ScienceGal Posted January 16, 2012 Posted January 16, 2012 (edited) I've recently reconnected with a guy I dated for several months. We separated around Thanksgiving and he contacted me on NYE. We separated because he thought (maybe even still thinks) that I have boundary issues. Which to me means he is projecting his fears and insecurities from his previous relationship onto me. I am not a liar or a cheat. I've found myself telling him "I am not her" on a couple occasions. An issue came up the other night and I'd like some opinions on it. When we first started dating, I had already planned a weekend trip out of town with friends. I ended up sharing a queen sized bed with a male friend. There were 2 other people sharing the room with us as well. Nothing physical happened, and never has. Everyone there knew I had recently met someone. Also, I was in touch with the guy I was dating every day I was gone. The other night we were having a conversation about sharing beds with someone of the opposite sex, and about unspoken sexual tension. I brought up the time I went out of town and how there wasn't any tension for me at all. His face dropped. He had no idea that the sleeping arrangements were like that. This spawned a several hour conversation. I was on the defense while also trying to see/be sensitive of his point of view. There was no yelling, but it was heated at times. I cried, and it was awful. I felt as though I was backed into a wall. He compared the situation to one that happened with his ex (thus strenthening my opinion that he's using that bad experience to affect our relationship). The result was me apologizing for how he was feeling, but I did not accept that I had done anything wrong. In my opinion, I had every right to do what I did and I would not be upset had he done the same thing so early on in dating, especially when we had clarified that we weren't looking to move quickly into a relationship. I've shared beds before, platonically, many times. I explained how I would not do the same thing while in an established relationship, as I do find that a gray area and disrespectful. I thought he needed to let the issue go and move forward. How would you feel if you were me, or him? Edited January 16, 2012 by ScienceGal
carhill Posted January 16, 2012 Posted January 16, 2012 Can't remember if you've been married or not.... hypothetically, if you were married, would you mind your husband sharing a bed, literally 'sleeping' with a woman you did not know nor had ever met? The dynamic was completely platonic, he said. Presuming you and this man are not exclusive, you can 'sleep' with whomever you wish, platonic or not. He, OTOH, is free to view that dynamic in any way he wishes. If you meet, that. If you miss, that. Rights are good. Confidence is good. Feelings are good. Everyone's are valid.
lilyblue Posted January 16, 2012 Posted January 16, 2012 So you weren't in an exclusive relationship at the time? Were (both of) you free to date other people? If you were, I think it's fine. If you weren't - even though I realize this was a totally platonic situation - I think sleeping in a bed with another man might be considered disrespectful.
Author ScienceGal Posted January 16, 2012 Author Posted January 16, 2012 Can't remember if you've been married or not.... hypothetically, if you were married, would you mind your husband sharing a bed, literally 'sleeping' with a woman you did not know nor had ever met? The dynamic was completely platonic, he said. Presuming you and this man are not exclusive, you can 'sleep' with whomever you wish, platonic or not. He, OTOH, is free to view that dynamic in any way he wishes. If you meet, that. If you miss, that. Rights are good. Confidence is good. Feelings are good. Everyone's are valid. I have not been married. And, I would not want my partner, whether boyfriend or husband, 'sleeping' with a woman, even in a platonic sense. I was most frustrated that he and I seem to agree on this point, yet he was still seeking an apology from me. We were not in a relationship, but he feels if I had hopes for a relationship with him, I should have chosen to not share the bed space.
carhill Posted January 16, 2012 Posted January 16, 2012 Without knowing the complete backstory, fill in a few blanks, important ones from a man's perspective: 1. When you dated him for 'several months' in the past, was it a sexual dating dynamic? 2. Is the current dating dynamic sexual? By 'sexual', I mean with any sort of genital contact. IMO, this nuance can have relevance to his perspective. That said, 'several hours' of beating this to death is a bit much. He over-reached IMO. He had a choice in that regard and made a poor one, IMO.
Author ScienceGal Posted January 16, 2012 Author Posted January 16, 2012 Without knowing the complete backstory, fill in a few blanks, important ones from a man's perspective: 1. When you dated him for 'several months' in the past, was it a sexual dating dynamic? 2. Is the current dating dynamic sexual? By 'sexual', I mean with any sort of genital contact. IMO, this nuance can have relevance to his perspective. That said, 'several hours' of beating this to death is a bit much. He over-reached IMO. He had a choice in that regard and made a poor one, IMO. We were sexual while we dated. with the first encounter being just days before I went on the trip (he pointed this out). I understand his point, but it was weeks, and several sexual encounters after my trip when we verbalized that we were exclusive. We both confirmed that we do not have multiple sexual partners at the same time. We both realized that discussion should have occurred earlier. But, we were on the same page and moved forward. Since reconnecting, we have had sex twice, which I am somewhat regretting because of the other night. I do not want similar drawn out discussions that turn emotional, unless there is more serious of a situation/topic. I asked him if he thinks things will work out between us even though we've never gotten a 'honeymoon' phase. He thinks it will work. I don't think so, unless things can transition to relaxed/happy asap.
carhill Posted January 16, 2012 Posted January 16, 2012 Thanks for the clarifications and I think I'll leave the interpretation and opinion to the more liberal men on the forum. Good luck.
Jayerjay Posted January 16, 2012 Posted January 16, 2012 I'd have no issues at all with this. Even if we were in an established relationship if I knew the guy I'd be fine with it. It all depends on the guy though, if it really bothers him I'd just say say how you feel but let him know of course you won't do it if it makes him uncomfortable! It sounds like this was before you guys were really together though, if that's the case he has no ground to stand on. Especially since you agree with him after it is official. Sounds like some insecurities in his end.
Dust Posted January 16, 2012 Posted January 16, 2012 I'd been anoyed to find out a girl I was seeing slept with a guy friend even if it was just plantonic no sexual touching involved. It being early in the dating relationship would only give me reason not to want to continue things. If I understand correctly you and your reconected man had already started having sex again. In my world this would mean we were getting serious. In the end if you guys want to move foward from this as long as you agreed not to be so close with guys in the future he should get over it.
carhill Posted January 16, 2012 Posted January 16, 2012 IMO, normal dating progression can be tempered by their past relationship, which was apparently sexual and emotional. They had familiarity and an emotional and sexual history, in addition to current interactions. Hence, there was more of an 'investment' in intimacy than might be typical for a fresh dating dynamic, even with only one sexual encounter in the mix. My bet is the guy was feeling 'territorial'. Is that insecure? I guess they'll find out. If it's normal in their social circle and age group for males and females to sleep together in non-sexual situations, perhaps. If other, other.
flitzanu Posted January 17, 2012 Posted January 17, 2012 well, the other thing is, what's the story with the male friend you slept next to? you said nothing sexual had happened, but who was he? and more importantly, was this friend INTO you that you slept in the bed with?
Exit Posted January 17, 2012 Posted January 17, 2012 There's really no right or wrong when it comes to issues like this. You could stand on the street and ask every person that walks by and you'll find very different opinions. It's not about either stance being right or wrong, it's just about that fact that there was miscommunication about what each of you found acceptable. Plus throw in the fact that you weren't in an exclusive relationship at the time, and it just becomes even messier. For what it's worth, my opinion is that it's not appropriate, I still consider sleeping next to someone in a bed a fairly intimate thing, and I would not want my gf to do so. But that's within the boundaries of an actual relationship. Throw in a situation where the exclusivity of the relationship was in question, who knows. It wouldn't kill someone to grab a blanket and crash on the floor if the sleeping arrangements did not provide enough beds for everyone. Again there's no right or wrong, there are people who maintain open relationships where even physical interaction with other people is allowed, it's not right or wrong it's about making sure such sensitive issues are clearly defined and agreed upon. You guys either need to write it off as an instance where the conditions of your relationship were not clear, or decide that you can't get past it.
moontiger Posted January 18, 2012 Posted January 18, 2012 (edited) How would you feel if you were me, or him? If I were him, I wouldn't like it much, and I'd feel threatened and even more convinced that you *did* have this boundary issue. (I'm not saying that any of this is logical or rational, just that if I were him this is how I'd feel.) I might also feel it more if someone had been my "FWB" because I'd think she was casual about relating to men and might not be commitment material (it's a double standard, I know, but a lot of men do feel that way.) If I were you, meanwhile, I'd be upset. You are having the exact same issue you had with him last time around. He is obsessing over something that is long over and for me that would be a red flag that he is controlling. [i'd also probably make a future mental note not to talk casually to my boyfriend about things like having once shared a bed with another man if I knew that he was sensitive about things like that.] I agree with other posters; there is no "right" or "wrong" on these matters. It's all up to the two people in the relationship. Now, in summary, I am still uneasy about this guy for you. Sure, he sounds well spoken and introspective and all those things. But...here's the thing. Those things--whether you can sit down and have an awesome, scintillating conversation about emotions with a man--are about day-to-day compatibility. Then there's long-term compatibility and someone's suitability for marriage, and that's a different beast. Things that make a man interesting company day-to-day may not be enough to make the same man a good husband. But because we live day by day, it's really easy to mistake the short-term stuff for the long-term. It's a trap I've fallen into several times; thinking that because someone and I were in the same field or because he liked quiet conversations about thoughts and feelings, or because we'd gotten along for six months that he would make a good husband. I'm not saying this is what you are doing, but keep an eye on it. Here are some strikes I see against this guy: He broke up with you. This is a red flag. He sent you an e-mail after the breakup blaming you. Another red flag. He has baggage (not a red flag; we all have baggage) that he is unloading heavily on you (red flag.) He can't let go of little things...sure, he feels what the way he feels, but to grill you for "hours" on this until you start crying is out of line, IMO. He seems to nurse resentment and grudges. This is sub-optimal in a partner. Not every relationship has a honeymoon period. Some of mine have not. But here is something I've noticed--whatever major incompatibilities I see in the beginning are going to be the problems right down to the end. I think probably if you end up with this guy he will always have issues with you and "boundaries," and you will always be irritated with him for it. It all comes down to whether this particular incompatibility is something you both can deal with, or not. My $0.02? Don't go chasing after married guys, guys who dumped you, or any other kind of guy waving a huge red flag. Edited January 18, 2012 by moontiger
Author ScienceGal Posted January 19, 2012 Author Posted January 19, 2012 Thank you all for the comments. Last night we discussed the importance of having good times, and light(er) conversation topics. We realize that determining compatibility is essential, so we should be finding things we have in common and things we don't, pet peeves, and general life/family info. We should get back to laughing more. We reflected on some of the really good times we had and decided to give it a go. We both ackowledged our baggage and how it has shaped who we are. In all honesty, we are both not completely convinced that it will work, but acknowledged that if it doesn't, it certainly won't be for lack of trying. We're both good people, but that doesn't mean we're good for each other on a romatic level. It might be that he draws harder boundary lines than I do and is much more sensitive than me. That doesn't mean I am a wild woman or an ice queen. We're just bringing different feelings, view points and opinions to the table. If the relationship fails I think it will be because I stop being able to cater to that level of constant feelings/insecurity, or he will find it impossible to trust me. It's going to be a strict matter of lifestyle/personality compatibility. We're both imperfect people just trying to be fully aware. The one thing that we can both count on is a respectful exit (which he innocently botched last time, I know). The one thing I know, and have told him, is that this is it. Last chance.
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