"I do love you but I don't think of it in those terms anymore"

[scaredandalone1223]

When my husband first said that last week I wasn't really sure what to make of it. He was lying on the couch with his head in my lap and I told him sometimes I stop and think just how much I love him more every day. I told him many times I'll be driving down the road and it hits me just how much I love him and it every time it's a little more than the time before. I asked him if he felt that way too?

 

That's when he looked up at me and said. Hear me out first. I do love you but I don't think of it in those terms anymore. I see us a a partnership. (Of course I was thinking that's not what I want to hear. I mean I agree but that sounds so businesslike). He went on to explain. That he feels we are not so much two people as a couple but we are one unit. He no longer sees things in terms of he and I but in terms of us. He said his feelings for me go so much deeper than what love can adequately describe.

 

Our relationship hasn't always been this way but I'm more than grateful we stuck it out to get to this point. I do feel that we have a bond far beyond what can adequately be described in words. All the rough times we endured only cemented our bond.

 

When we married I'm not sure either of us knew what love was. We did however take our vows very seriously and we both truly intended them to be forever even though we had no idea what lay ahead. Before we were married we said if we ever get to the point we feel we've done everything we can do and we see no other solution but divorce we will go to counseling before we file. We made a pact that we would put everything we had into the counseling and would only divorce if we had truly given it everything we had. We may have been young and naive but that was the best pact we ever made. Even during our separation when we could see no way to go on we held true to our pact and agrees to try a few months of counseling before signing any papers. I think that pact was just as important to our marriage as our actual vows were.

 

We both grew up a lot during 2010. We both realized, while we were separated, just how much we meant to each other. We had, at that time, spent 12 years building a life full of memories and a foundation far stronger than either of us consciously realized.

 

Our relationship is different now. One of the things he told me was how much he appreciates me waking up and preparing his coffee and breakfast (at times that may be just a bowl of cereal). It may be a small thing but it shows him he's appreciated. He said the only thing he had ever really craved was to know he was appreciated.

 

I'm not sure exactly why I posted this. I guess I just wanted to share how far we've come since November 2010. To share with others that even when all seems lost if two people are willing to work at it the relationship can survive and thrive. That if we had have decided enough is enough early on in our marriage, like so many suggested, we would not have built the foundation to weather the storm. If we had have given in to the notion 5 years in that we married too young and both "deserved" a chance to be happy and we needed to divorce and find someone new to do that we would have never made it to the place of true, solid love we have now. We also know we can't take our marriage for granted. Just because we are where we are now doesn't mean we are indestructible. We can't say nothing will ever happen because it can! We have to stay mindful and never forget that. We have to always communicate so little things don't go unresolved and turn into big issues. We can't ignore little things that bother us and give them the opportunity to grow under the surface. We can't ever forget what happened and say it'll never happen again. Instead we must remember what happened and knowing full well it can happen again continue to work together to insure it doesn't.

 

We celebrated our 14th Anniversary last month. We've had people ask us what our secret is. Our response is don't be so quick to don't let others tell you what your marriage should be. Don't let your preconceived notions of what marriage is supposed to be destroy what it really is. Know that all the storms you weather, if you tough them out, will be what definds the strength of your relationship moreso than the times of smooth sailing.

 

Our oldest son only has 2 classmates who's biological parents are still married or together. I can't help but wonder if some of them had have weathered the storm may they have found the same happiness. I know sometimes divorce truly is the best solution but I also can't help but wonder if society may have let a few of them down. Are we fed so many fairytales and told what marriage should be that we miss out on what it truly is? Two becoming one is not an easy transition but do so many really give up too soon to reap the rewards of hard work and dedication?

 

I would love to hear others opinions on what makes their marriage strong. I would like this to be a positive thread on how overcoming obstacles strengthened your marriage. What things do you do to keep your relationship healthy, prosperous and growing? Did you ever persevere when others said to give up and are truly thankful you stayed and fought?

[frozensprouts]

we've been married about 14 1/2 years too, and it's not always been an easy road, but the best things in life never are.

 

there was a time when i didn't think we were going to stay together...i was sure he had checked out, but when push came to shove, he hadn't, and we worked very hard on making things better, and they are.

 

i won't say things are all "sunshine and rainbows", as they aren't. but it's still pretty darn good.

 

We've been through a lot together, and i'm sure we'll be through a lot more, but that's okay. We've learned to let difficulties bring us together, not push us apart.

 

all in all, I've got a good marriage and a good life, and not sure how it could get much better

[Afishwithabike]

scaredandalone1223 - You write articulate, thought-provoking posts about marriage.

 

So many marriages today seem like throwaway marriages, starter marriages. When I got married, I didn't think being married this long would be an accomplishment. Apparently it is something remarkable. As the years ago by, it seems being in a happy stable marriage is something unusual. Are we part of an endangered species?

 

I have five good girlfriends with whom I share a lot. Two are divorced, one is in the process of finalizing her divorce, and the other two are in stable marriages. Interestingly enough, the two who are in the stable marriages each have a child with serious special needs. I think having to deal with their children's special needs brought both husband and wife closer together and bonded them.

 

When my husband I got married, we were in love, but we had no clue about the realities of marriage. We thought we knew. Now I know, we didn't. We would be tested so many times in the marriage, not by infidelity, but by other issues. Written in my 600 or so posts here is the story of my marriage, both the ups and the downs as well as how we resolved issues we've faced.

 

It hasn't been smooth sailing. There have been times where one or both of us would ask "Are you happy in this marriage?" We've worked through those rough patches by turning inward not outward to a third party who would offer us an easy out from marital problems.

 

It's easy to make a marriage work during the good years, the peaks and highs when the money is flowing and both of you are in sync. Anyone can make a marriage work during the good times. How hard is that? The real test of a commitment comes during the low periods, the valleys, the ebb. Despite the challenges we've faced, we're both commmitted to the commitment we made years ago. I think that has been the real source of our marital success.

 

I'm going to share a portion of an email my H wrote to me during a difficult patch in our marriage when we had a terrible argument.

 

"If someone had told me that this relationship would hit the rocks over one stupid argument, I would have laughed in their faces. With all the dysfunctional marriages around us, I believed we are stronger or smarter than that. It worked for us because we are a better team. That we had a rock solid core based on shared ideas, values, love and experiences and could never be broken. It isn’t just a fanciful idea but an unshakable conviction. It cannot be challenged and does not change regardless of what might come or how much time passes. This is what I think marriage is about. This is what I think we have."

[beenburned]

My marriage is stronger today because of all the obstacles we faced together during these long years.(30+)

 

However, I will stress to anyone, that it takes BOTH spouses working together, as a team, to make it successful.

 

If one spouse has problems( within themselves) that they are unwilling to fix, it will eventually destroy the marriage.(no matter how much effort the other spouse puts in)