help

[help]

i am in a situation that is so messed up that i want to pull my hair out. i have a fiance whom i love and adore but i keep wanting to leave him and move back to minnesota where i came from.

 

the main time i want to do this is when we get in a fight. other then that i am o.k. with being out here. sometimes i just want to get in my car and drive off into the sunset.

 

i don't want to get to a destination i just want to drive, drive and drive. if it wern't for him i would of went home a long long time ago.

 

i do love him, we don't fight much and when we do it's always about something meaningless, like maybe one of is having a bad day and cranky or something. i try to keep my distance when that happens by going in to our room and reading or watching t.v. alone. he is o.k. with this.

 

the problem is when we do argue or fight and i want to run, sometimes when i'm out driving i think about it too even if we arent' fighting. i don't get it, what makes someone want to do this all the time? i think i have been this way since 1992 when i fist moved out here then moved back home again and then back here again over a period of five years i did this.

 

maybe i just got this in my system and now i can't get it out. help!

[Tony T]

It's a primitive biology thing called the fight or flight response. Some people are combative and seek to directly confront issues while others prefer to flee from them. You prefer the latter.

 

People who have to deal with serious phobias are faced with this fight or flight response. They can either confront that which is feared and go through with it, no matter how unpleasant, but many take the other option, of avoidance.

 

In young people, this syndrome shows itself in those who run away from abusive homes. The option to confront the situation or deal with it somehow is often taken away from them, so they runaway or take flight from the experiences.

 

You have probably had this happen with other situations in your life but didn't realize it. There's a possiblity you were in an abusive sitaution when you were little and were forced to remain when you would have rather split.

 

I see nothing in your post that would cause a normal person to want to flee or get away from the situation. This leads me to believe your response comes from previous experiences which you need to explore, deal with and heal from. An excellent counsellor will be able to help you.

 

This whole thing began when you moved away from home. My best feeling is that you felt trapped at home when you were young, for whatever reason, and now any little thing can set you off because you have the freedom to get away if you like...a freedom that you did not have growing up.

[help]

well yeah you are right. i am fourty three now and moved out of my home state in 1992. i ran away alot when growing up in my preteens and early teens. i ran away from my sisters and brother who were very mean to me as i was the youngest and their punching bag.

 

we all out grew it though and i moved out when i was fifteen and moved back in when i was seventeen and pregnant. i never moved back after that except if i was between apts.

 

however, i never did this running away thing unitl i moved to this other state in 1992. i felt i didn't have anything there anymore with my family. we were never really close anyway, so i moved to be with my friend and then met my fiance.

 

so i can see how my past would reflect on my present need to run away, but what took so long? and why now after three years in this state i have never came to call it home or anywhere else home either. i feel homeless literally i do. i can't be happy in either place, if i go back home i think i'd want to be back here and when i'm back here i want to be there. can i ever settle down in one place and be happy? do i need some counseling too?

It's a primitive biology thing called the fight or flight response. Some people are combative and seek to directly confront issues while others prefer to flee from them. You prefer the latter.

 

People who have to deal with serious phobias are faced with this fight or flight response. They can either confront that which is feared and go through with it, no matter how unpleasant, but many take the other option, of avoidance.

 

In young people, this syndrome shows itself in those who run away from abusive homes. The option to confront the situation or deal with it somehow is often taken away from them, so they runaway or take flight from the experiences. You have probably had this happen with other situations in your life but didn't realize it. There's a possiblity you were in an abusive sitaution when you were little and were forced to remain when you would have rather split. I see nothing in your post that would cause a normal person to want to flee or get away from the situation. This leads me to believe your response comes from previous experiences which you need to explore, deal with and heal from. An excellent counsellor will be able to help you. This whole thing began when you moved away from home. My best feeling is that you felt trapped at home when you were young, for whatever reason, and now any little thing can set you off because you have the freedom to get away if you like...a freedom that you did not have growing up.

[Deejette]

It sounds like counseling would be a good idea, because this is making you so unhappy. And if you marry your fiance and have children with him, when things get rough, and they will, you may want to run away from it all.

 

Being a flight rather than a fight person myself, I have often "solved" my problem by leaving. But as the saying goes, "You can run, but you can't hide," and eventually you will have to face up to your rootless, restless soul and find a place within that you can call home.

well yeah you are right. i am fourty three now and moved out of my home state in 1992. i ran away alot when growing up in my preteens and early teens. i ran away from my sisters and brother who were very mean to me as i was the youngest and their punching bag. we all out grew it though and i moved out when i was fifteen and moved back in when i was seventeen and pregnant. i never moved back after that except if i was between apts. however, i never did this running away thing unitl i moved to this other state in 1992. i felt i didn't have anything there anymore with my family. we were never really close anyway, so i moved to be with my friend and then met my fiance. so i can see how my past would reflect on my present need to run away, but what took so long? and why now after three years in this state i have never came to call it home or anywhere else home either. i feel homeless literally i do. i can't be happy in either place, if i go back home i think i'd want to be back here and when i'm back here i want to be there. can i ever settle down in one place and be happy? do i need some counseling too?