I am a wreck

[AwptiK]

Here's my story.. I'll try and keep it short and include mostly just the essentials of what's going on.

 

 

I dated a coworker for the past 5 months, things ended on New Year's Eve. We had an argument (the topic in itself could be an entire post), but basically she was at fault and lying as well. I became extremely angry and frustrated. I'm very bad at being angry, I would describe it as "explosive". Never ever physically, but just verbally. I have been insulting as well. I am well aware it's a huge issue, i'll get to that further down in the post.

 

Things officially ended the next day. The main reasoning is because of my anger issues. To quote her, "I really like everything about you, but how you are when you're angry." I became really depressed and angry at myself over the course of the day and she caught wind of that through a coworker, she ended up calling me. I ended up doing a majority of the talking, apologizing for all that i've done and vowing to do whatever I could to work on my anger because I wanted to be with her again. She cried the entire time over the phone.

 

A week and a half passed where we didn't talk and only saw each other 2-3 times (briefly) because of work. Then one night we talked a little via text about things, in a sense it was some closure for me. She again said she was done, because of how I was and "How you were and the things you said that night I cannot overlook". She also said that she no longer had feelings for me.

 

Since then, we've been more peaceful at work and talked as friends would. I never ever text her or try and talk to her outside of work. She's texted on two occasions now, asking about trading shifts at work.

 

 

About the anger, i've been going to therapy at least once a week, sometimes twice if I can fit it in. Picked up some self help and anger books, that I read almost all the time. I'm holding to my promise...even though it isn't for her anymore. I know how bad and destructive anger is, I want this to be the last girl who ever saw any of that from me.

 

 

As far as being a wreck, there's just so much going on in my head. I've gone NC, as much as I can with someone who's a coworker.. The loneliness sucks a lot. She was fun and gorgeous and things were naturally amazing between us, minus the two times we ever fought. I constantly think about how great NYE would have been, some of the plans we had that we didn't get to do, etc etc. The other major one is the fact that she's said she's moved on and doesn't have feelings anymore. Some of me still wants her back and sometimes I get caught up in thinking about how she fell for me to start with: just being friends and talking at work and eventually she wanted more; and hoping that maybe it'll happen again.

 

As far as working on getting over her, I try and think about the few flaws I saw in her. She was insecure and needy, which to an extent I kind of loved after dating a very independent girl, but sometimes it was a little too much. At the same time, she was very sensitive....i'd use the phrase "walking on eggshells", to describe how I acted at times.

 

The Valentine's Decorations at work are really doing me in too. She probably won't be alone for Valentine's Day.

 

Finally, some of me thinks that I put a lot more into things than she did. I wonder at times if she "let me" date her and got off on the attention..

 

Sorry for the long post...I'm just so tired of feeling like this. I want to be happy again. I'm not really dependent on her for happiness, but it sucks losing the person I spent a lot of time with and talked to a lot.

Edited January 17, 2012 by AwptiK

[BoredAgain]

Well, you're doing all the right things: You're working on anger issues not for her but for yourself. You're doing the NC thing (as much as possible with somebody you work with) in order heal.

 

My only suggestion would be to go out and meet new people. You say you're lonely, well you can get a hobby that brings you together with new people. Maybe join a running group or take a class in something. You'll have fun and think less about the Ex.

[AwptiK]

Thanks for the advice.

 

I'd take up some new hobby, but i'm a really busy person. School all morning, work all afternoon.. I know that's not much of an excuse, but I am trying. My best friend is somewhat newly single as well, after a 3 year relationship, so him and I hang out a lot in our free time. We both really want to meet some new people, the availability of activities aren't very high though. I've also started going back to the gym on a regular schedule now, instead of the sporadic "I guess i'll go to the gym today" idea I had before.

 

Still, I have my hours of downtime, usually late at night like this when I can't get to sleep...that I think about her and miss everything I had. I guess the only thing keeping me going is knowing that no matter what, I do need to work on myself and we both need space from each other.

 

On one positive note, I went to a concert with my friend last night and had a blast. The entire day, I was lost in thought about wondering whether or not I was a guy that girl's like and find attractive. I guess I was feeling a little insecure and desiring to feel "wanted" after feeling wanted during the relationship. At the concert, I was approached by a very cute girl who I ended up kissing a few times during the concert. Funny how things end turn out...now...if only I could make that wish everyday

[SelfCentered]

Two things

 

1) What kind of work environment puts up valentine decorations at all? Let alone one month before the pseudoholiday! Let me know, cus that's the type of place I want to avoid.

 

2) NYE was only just over two weeks ago. Jesus Christ man! Give yourself a break! No one expects you to be jumping through hoops already. Stick at it all, the NC and the therapy and GIVE YOURSELF TIME!