CopingGal Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 (edited) Hi. I am having trouble. Every day, it hurts. How do I get past someone that psychologically abused me, lied to me over and over again, played tricks on me, ignored me, cheated on me, and threw other women in my face? How do I get past the anger? How do I get past the pain? Edited January 17, 2012 by CopingGal Link to post Share on other sites
Philosoraptor Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 It's hard but the process to fully healing is forgiveness. Forgiving both your ex and yourself for allowing yourself to stay in that situation. His abusing you was not your fault, this is a problem within him so pity him for such issues. Make a promise to yourself to never allow such things to happen to you again. This is a long road for anyone and I can't even imagine how much extra is on your plate. I would consider therapy as it should help you in the long run. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CopingGal Posted January 17, 2012 Author Share Posted January 17, 2012 (edited) Hi. Thanks. I was in therapy, but they told me I could not come any more because I am no longer a student. Playing tricks on me and cheated on me- I don't need to forgive myself. I did not know about that until the relationship was over. Staying in the relationship when he kept lying- yes, it is my fault, but I did suggest we go to couple's counseling. I only found out after the relationship was over that he was lying in couple's counseling. Staying in the relationship when he treated me badly overall is my fault. I kept hoping that with more understanding and more kindess and couple's therapy, he would change. Once I realized the relationship mimiced my parents, I didn't feel so mad at myself any more. But forgiving him....I can't...not now. I don't even know how I'm going to get there. And yes, I will never stand for any nonsense like that again. Reading the self help books help very, very much. But the suffering lingers on. Edited January 17, 2012 by CopingGal Link to post Share on other sites
geegirl Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 (edited) Playing tricks on me and cheated on me- I don't need to forgive myself. I did not know about that until the relationship was over. Staying in the relationship when he kept lying- yes, it is my fault, but I did suggest we go to couple's counseling. I only found out after the relationship was over that he was lying in couple's counseling. Once I realized the relationship mimiced my parents, I didn't feel so mad at myself any more. But forgiving him....I can't...not now. I don't even know how I'm going to get there. And yes, I will never stand for any nonsense like that again. Reading the self help books help very, very much. But the suffering lingers on. I went through the same issues you did, Coping. In therapy, I was told several times that it takes much longer to detach from a toxic relationship, when there was emotional and psychological damage inflicted. Don't be so hard on yourself. I was so badly hurt that I told myself I would never forgive him. Everyday I cried wanting to know how could he have done all those things to me. I couldn't wrap my head around that sort of behavior. It was unfathomable. Those were my emotions talking. Now that I have found indifference, I feel sorry for him. Infact, I sometimes wish that he would change so that he can find happiness in his life but maybe happiness to him is doing what he does best. It isn't my cross to bear but in any case, I still feel pity for him. I have forgiven him because I can see him for who he is, now that the emotional attachment is gone. Once you find that indifference, you will feel empathy for someone like him. It's hard to find that within when you are hurting for yourself but when the hurt is gone, you will begin to view him differently, as a person and not so much as someone you once loved, that hurt you. Edited January 17, 2012 by geegirl Link to post Share on other sites
Author CopingGal Posted January 17, 2012 Author Share Posted January 17, 2012 (edited) Thanks for that. Although I have not forgiven him, at times I find myself being able to pray for him...not so that he could change for me, but that he would just stop this type of behavior. Because he is a single parent who used his autistic child to lie to me so he could cheat, he really, really needs to stop this behavior. I can't pray for him every day because of my anger. Although I'm still very angry, I'm not as angry as I used to be. Congrats on finding indifference. Right now it seems almost impossible to think of myself as ever feeling that way about him...but I know in time that will happen. Edited January 17, 2012 by CopingGal Link to post Share on other sites
geegirl Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 Thanks for that. Although I have not forgiven him, at times I find myself being able to pray for him...not so that he could change for me, but that he would just stop this type of behavior. Because he is a single parent who used his autistic child to lie to me so he could cheat, he really, really needs to stop this behavior. I can't pray for him every day because of my anger. Although I'm still very angry, I'm not as angry as I used to be. Congrats on finding indifference. Right now it seems almost impossible to think of myself as ever feeling that way about him...but I know in time that will happen. In the beginning I was swearing at the gods wanting retribution. As time went on, some days I would be spewing all sorts with the occassional sorrowful prayer in between the hurt. I was all over the place. Then came the time when all I felt was empathy. It will come to you when you can completely let go. You are right. In time it will happen. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CopingGal Posted January 17, 2012 Author Share Posted January 17, 2012 Wow, you really sound like you are at peace with what happened to you. You give me hope. Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CopingGal Posted January 18, 2012 Author Share Posted January 18, 2012 So today I was telling a friend of mine what happened to me and all the pain came back and I have tears in my eyes. I'm going to focus on other things today, like my school work. I know I can't change what he did to me. All I can do is try to cope and leave the next time I'm with someone I can't trust. I will also listen to friends. It's good to make your own decisions, but when everyone you know, including your mom is telling you that that person is no good...you should really pay attention to that! Link to post Share on other sites
yessy21 Posted January 18, 2012 Share Posted January 18, 2012 Hi. I am having trouble. Every day, it hurts. How do I get past someone that psychologically abused me, lied to me over and over again, played tricks on me, ignored me, cheated on me, and threw other women in my face? How do I get past the anger? How do I get past the pain? Its been three years in a half for me. and the pain is still there. Its a long painful road.... i guarantee you though that it will make you more cautious now. Noone will ever do what that person did to you again unless you let them. Link to post Share on other sites
betterdeal Posted January 18, 2012 Share Posted January 18, 2012 Think of where you are now. You are not in that situation any more, which is a good thing, right? You survived. You got out of a bad situation. You looked after yourself. You are your own best friend. Thank yourself, and use the freedom you gave you to enjoy life. Link to post Share on other sites
Exit Posted January 18, 2012 Share Posted January 18, 2012 I'm in a pretty similar situation right now. Trying to get over someone who was a huge liar, used me, messed with my head, etc. It does seem backwards that the toxic relationships are the hardest to get over. You'd think being lied to and treated badly would be easy to move on from, but somehow it isn't. Probably because we seek an understanding about what happened, but we can't understand what it's like to be so dishonest and heartless. I wish I could reach the "indifferent" stage. Link to post Share on other sites
betterdeal Posted January 18, 2012 Share Posted January 18, 2012 I think it's because we're scared to get hurt again, and so we hold onto the pain to deter ourselves from exposing our souls again. It's a defence mechanism, but it's not a very good one if it stays in place too long. At some point, you have to choose to be happy, and then things will start to fall into place. Slowly at first, but when you put your mind to it you will find ways. Start with lots of self-care and positive self-affirmations. Take each day as it comes. Wake up every day and say "this is a new day" and say "I'm good" to your self throughout the day. You've come this far along the journey and life will throw rocks at you from time to time, but what matters is you dust yourself down and get back up and continue. You're beautiful, strong, alive, good and great. Say it enough and you will believe it; believe it and it will be. Link to post Share on other sites
perfectlyflawed459 Posted January 18, 2012 Share Posted January 18, 2012 (edited) Hi. I am having trouble. Every day, it hurts. How do I get past someone that psychologically abused me, lied to me over and over again, played tricks on me, ignored me, cheated on me, and threw other women in my face? How do I get past the anger? How do I get past the pain? Grudges are such an ugly thing to hold within yourself and they only tear at and punish you everyday. In order to get past the anger, hurt, pain...you must find it within yourself to forgive your ex and yourself for any pain that was caused in the past. Once you do that, you will be able to finally let go and live your life in happiness. You will finally feel liberated from this dark time and see the light at the end of the tunnel I know you are very hurt and that is normal, but it is not healthy to harbor such anger within you forever. You are just punishing yourself and you do not deserve the painful punishment of holding a grudge everyday. You do have the ability to let go and forgive and finally liberate yourself of all this pain you have. I know you can do it. Edited January 18, 2012 by perfectlyflawed459 Link to post Share on other sites
Author CopingGal Posted January 19, 2012 Author Share Posted January 19, 2012 Thank you all for the great advice. I appreciate it. I was up around 2:30 this morning crying. I got out my DSM-IV from my psychology classes and once again read the descriptions for Antisocial Personality Disorder (sociopathy) and Narcissitic Personality Disorder, since the couple's counselor said he had traits of both. I felt better. I've read them over and over again in the past few months. I like reading about these mental conditions because when I do I have much more pity and much less anger. Link to post Share on other sites
betterdeal Posted January 20, 2012 Share Posted January 20, 2012 Have you read much about personal boundaries? I found learning about that helped me grow as a person. Link to post Share on other sites
NicoleM Posted January 20, 2012 Share Posted January 20, 2012 I understand how you feel OP. My ex was a self-centered jerk who belittled me, broke my trust and lied to me a million times. I told him things I have never even told my best friends and he in return used those things against me to belittle me and I trusted him when I sent him a private personal note he showed his buddies and totally broke my trust. I have issues everyday thinking how could he do this to me? Why did he do this to me? I have to remember ( maybe you do too) it isn't you! He is the one who had issues not you. Just remember people rarely change overnight or they snap their fingers and they are cured. It never happens! If he has a girlfriend or if he ever has a girlfriend his issues and baggage will fall into her lap as well and you have to smile. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CopingGal Posted January 20, 2012 Author Share Posted January 20, 2012 He does has a girlfriend...the one he cheated on me with. He asked her to marry him after 5 1/2 months. He seems to be treating her much better than me, but I think he has already started lying to her. He strung me a long for 3 years, but asked her to marry him after 5 1/2 months. Before I went NC, he told me he felt like he's been waiting for her his whole life. She's a disabled, old, (he is only in his 40s) recovering alcoholic smoker (he hates cigarette smoke) who trusted him the first time she met him in person. He bragged about how she trusted him from the beginning. Anyone who trusts someone they meet on the internet from the very beginning is not very bright. As far as boundaries goes (someone mentioned about that), he has a very big problem with boundries....very big problem. The couple's counselor believes he is trying to get something from her, like disability pay-checks. Link to post Share on other sites
betterdeal Posted January 20, 2012 Share Posted January 20, 2012 I don't care about him, I care about you. How are you feeling today? Link to post Share on other sites
NicoleM Posted January 20, 2012 Share Posted January 20, 2012 Wow your situation is very,very similar to mine. My ex has a girlfriend ( didn't cheat on me) but moved on very,very quickly. A month after he broke up he met her strangely enough on the internet! He had to brag and say how perfect she is because she has a perfect job when all I do is sit behind a desk and answer phones while she is a vet's assistant and had to remind me how perfect her house is and how he can finally make as much noise as he wants and stay over whenever he wants because the apartment I lived in had a old couple next to me and they didn't like noise ( thanks for rubbing it in jerk) He is trying to get something from her too like move in and live the high life ( in his own little world) because he lives with his uncle and should be living on his own not depending on his uncle to support him when he is 30 years old! So I know he thinks if he lives with her she can support him clean, cook, sponge off her because like I said he cannot take care of himself because if he did he sure wouldn't be living with his uncle. His girlfriend isn't very bright because immediately she fell in love with him within 3 weeks they were official seriously? I know for a fact he chases tail at his office because his friend said how much he flirts with a co-worker and occasionally " hooks up" with her. My ex might be treating her better in terms of romancing her and taking her out so he can make her think he is mr. right when in reality he is mr. wrong and hasn't changed and never will. Link to post Share on other sites
NicoleM Posted January 20, 2012 Share Posted January 20, 2012 (edited) I hope you are doing okay OP. I know how difficult your situation is because I have been there done that and still having problems emotionally. Edited January 20, 2012 by NicoleM Link to post Share on other sites
Author CopingGal Posted January 23, 2012 Author Share Posted January 23, 2012 I don't care about him, I care about you. How are you feeling today? Thank you. I'm better. Still hurts. Still stings. But today is 23 days straight of no contact. All the other contact I had with him for the past few months is him stalking me and me telling him to leave me alone. Haven't heard from him and I'm grateful. If he calls, we are letting the message go to voicemail and then calling the police. I really wish my roommate's brother would allow us to change the number. I'm glad he put us on his phone account, but we really need to change our number. Is it really that much trouble for him to do that? Okay, I don't want to be greedy. I am glad we are on his phone account. Link to post Share on other sites
betterdeal Posted January 23, 2012 Share Posted January 23, 2012 Good to hear you feel better and I'm glad you're being practical about how to deal with his phone calls. Do call the police if he calls again. It will more than likely scare him off from calling again and get the message across to him that you will take no more abuse. It ends now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CopingGal Posted January 24, 2012 Author Share Posted January 24, 2012 As time goes by, I find myself feeling better...slowly feeling better and feeling sorry for his new victim. I feel more and more sorry for him too. I am doing wonderful things with my life: humanitarian work, environmental work, volunteer work, and I'm taking online graduate courses. I have a good life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CopingGal Posted February 2, 2012 Author Share Posted February 2, 2012 I hope you are doing okay OP. I know how difficult your situation is because I have been there done that and still having problems emotionally. Thank you Nicole. I am doing better. I fight the urge every day to tell him off again. I keep myself from contacting him every day. Some days are better than others, but I still cry sometimes. I want so badly to go to his facebook page and hopefully see that he is doing badly. But I stay away. NC all the way. I keep it going. I keep it going! The couple's therapist said this new relationship he has will never last. Link to post Share on other sites
Buttercup84 Posted February 2, 2012 Share Posted February 2, 2012 Oh Hun , I'm so sorry . You know my story and I'm the same . Some days I'm really good then I'm crying and can't let go . Wondering how he could do that to me . You will be ok , you seem like a beautiful person and he will always be a douche *hugs* Link to post Share on other sites
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