Cheater Cheater Pumpkin Eater!

[candybars21]

Ha!

 

So, here's my deal.

 

I went on vacation to a city I'll be moving to later this year in a very small company (three other people). One of the guys who works at the company decided he fell in love with me at first sight and pursued me and things got physical and well...he has a girlfriend of a few years. The relationship went on for a month or so via the Internet and the phone, but eventually I told him I felt very guilty about the whole thing and I wanted to cut off contact with him until I had to visit again for work. I said I didn't feel like we knew each other well enough to be doing this, that I didn't want a commitment with him until we knew one another better and we could better make a decision (he was saying he was thinking of breaking it off with his lady for me) and that the idea of enabling someone to cheat made me feel icky. So he said he wanted to work on his relationship with his girlfriend and we stopped speaking for a couple of weeks.

 

Gradually, he started speaking to me again. And now it's gotten to the point where he speaks to me for 2+ hours PER DAY on the phone. I know I'm in control of it and I don't necessarily see the relationship going anywhere because he has expressly stated that he wants to stay with his girlfriend and has even talked about "If I marry her...xyz will happen." The thing is I have to visit soon and I'm not super into another dramatic blowout and I do really like him as a friend...we have great talks...but I don't really have the energy to be his second girlfriend (and I can't imagine how much energy he's sucking out of his primary relationship if I feel drained as a secondary! Another reason I don't think we would work as boyfriend/girlfriend...it's a bit too intense for me!).

 

I'm still attracted to him emotionally and physically, and he tells me he's attracted to me...but at this point we don't even know one another all that well. He claims this is the first time he's fallen for someone else, but I'm 50/50 on it...I'm not stupid enough to believe it eyes wide open, but the more he says, the more I think that could be the case.

 

I don't really think the relationship is going to GO anywhere...I'm not in a position to be in a relationship at the moment, so I was thinking it was a way to pass the time...but it's taking up way too much of my time. He's clearly getting something from me he's not getting from his girlfriend. I haven't asked him to define our friendship, but I tried to tell him I was glad we were just friends and he changed the subject. It seems like a lot to invest to just get laid when he could conceivably get laid there (they are in a long distance relationship and barely see one another except every other weekend).

 

I feel like I've tried to set boundaries and it won't work, but I am in LOVE with this job and I really do like him as a friend and I enjoy flirting with him, however...I'm just not sure what to do! I even showed my call log to a friend, showing missed calls from him and incoming calls to him versus my outgoing calls to him and they were totally flabbergasted saying they think it's ridiculous...especially for someone who is in a relationship where they are toying with the idea of marriage. When he speaks to me, things are mostly appropriate, but every so often he slips in something about how he thinks I'm hot or when I mention a guy, he'll ask if that guy wants to date me.

 

Also, I think there is an issue of us being attracted to one another but not really knowing each other in "real life" well enough to decide where to go...however, I do feel like this is not particularly appropriate and he isn't respecting boundaries, however, I don't want to get into some big thing again before I see him (and I will have to see him everyday for a week!).

 

Advice?!!

Edited January 17, 2012 by candybars21

[candybars21]

He also has stated that although he wanted to break up with her earlier, he now feels as though cheating on her and falling for me gave him the wake up call he needed to work on his relationship with her and save it...but only after I called him out. But this sentence is what is making me say "F it, nothing is going to happen between us and we can only be friends..." but his intentions are just so crazy at this point I have no idea what to even think. I'm trying to go by what he's said, not what he does, but it is just confusing, especially when trying to navigate a friendship.

 

He also has told me he really, really wants/needs me in his life...which I don't understand because we don't know one another all that well.

Edited January 17, 2012 by candybars21

[RRM]

I just want to make sure I'm understanding this. So basically you had a physical affair and then a long distance one for a month and now are back to being friends, while he is with this girl who is also a long-distance relationship for him and you're confused as to where you stand because he's sending you mixed signals.

 

If I have all that correct, I think the best thing is to just keep it as a friendship and start casually dating other people. I wouldn't get too invested in him, as he seems like he's not all that invested with the girlfriend he's been with for a few years.

 

Regardless of what happens between you and him, I hope you do well with your new job. It's great that you are really into it, since jobs are scarce nowadays, and not everyone gets to have a job they love.

[candybars21]

If I have all that correct, I think the best thing is to just keep it as a friendship and start casually dating other people. I wouldn't get too invested in him, as he seems like he's not all that invested with the girlfriend he's been with for a few years.

 

 

 

Oh, that's my plan. I am not too invested in him...however, I'm trying to keep this as just a friendship and it seems like he's unable to do that. I'm wondering how to set up boundaries (since he's not respecting them!) because I'm feeling very drained in the relationship. It seems as though we're either not speaking at all (which we have to for work) or basically in a relationship...the latter I do not have time for.

[RRM]

candybars21, I can see how you're in a difficult position. I would just try and tell him to act professionally if he wants to be friends with you. If he can't do that, then you know that the friendship is a no-go.

 

I'm sorry I don't have better advice, but good luck and keep me (and others reading the thread) posted if you can.

[Lucky_One]

Is this the same guy who told you last month that he was working on his R with his GF and wanted to fall back in love with her and was acting very cold towards you?

 

I am getting the impression that you aren't enforcing the boundaries that you claim to have in place. If you 1) really believe that you were wrong to have sex with a guy who has a LT GF and 2) really don't want to be an OW and 3) really don't want to bring a lot of drama into a brand-new job with only 4 employees, then you would have taken the time when he was being cold and stopped the calls.

 

No one calls someone else and talks for 2 hours without getting positive reinforcement from the other person. You are engaging him, you are accepting him, you are encouraging him. I suspect you also call him, as well.

 

But the instigator of the calls isn't the issue. The issue is that you are claiming to want one thing, but to act as though you want another. Stop saying that you don't want this or that, when you clearly do. If you didn't, then you would put heavy limits on the calls and messages. You simply DON'T answer the phone. If you don't want the drama and if you don't want to waste your precious energy, then stop asking for the drama.

 

You also said that you knew you would be perfect together? Really? You think that this is a perfect guy for you? A cheater? Honestly, you don't even know him. You know what he wants you to know.

 

My advice - stop encouraging the constant calling, accept his chilliness, and don't start off a new job by bringing drama and crap into a workplace that is miniscule. Key rule of business is to not sh*t where you eat, and key rule of love is not to try to coyly steal another woman's man and insist that you are doing nothing wrong.

[candybars21]

Yeah, it's the same one. While he was being cold, I stopped contact all together and then HE reopened it. NO I do not call him, but I suspect I don't do much to discourage.

 

No, I do not think he's perfect for me. At the time when the cheating was going on, I did, but now with clarity of the situation, I do not think so.

[Lucky_One]

You SUSPECT you don't do much to discourage? You talk to a man on the phone for 2 hours a day, and you can't see that CLEARLY you are giving him signal after signal that you welcome his attention, his affection, his flirtatiousness, his attraction - and reciprocate in full for all of those?

 

For me, the biggest question is why are you trying to persuade yourself that this is all on him? Are you just trying to be the "good" person? Are you trying to absolve yourself of any guilt? Are you trying to "win" over a woman who has no idea that there is a contest going on here that can affect her entire life? Is this just an ego stroke that some guy "fell in love with you at first sight" (omg I can't believe he would even tell you crap like that) and you don't want to give it up because you need the validation?

 

Bottom line, you are doing exactly what you want to do. You want his attention, you want his time.

 

You are setting yourself up for known drama at a new job. Why would you participate in self-sabotage?

[candybars21]

He's already affected her entire life by cheating on her. He never said he loved me at first sight...I'm not sure where you got that?

[nofool4u]

Advice?!!

 

Yes, he is a cheater. If you ever hooked up with him, you will do so knowing he has unfaithfulness in his character.

 

And you knew he had a girlfriend, and messed around with him anyway. But thats another topic.

[candybars21]

Yes, he is a cheater. If you ever hooked up with him, you will do so knowing he has unfaithfulness in his character.

 

And you knew he had a girlfriend, and messed around with him anyway. But thats another topic.

 

I already did hook up with him...so...

[Lucky_One]

One of the guys who works at the company decided he fell in love with me at first sight and pursued me and things got physical and well...

 

I do feel like this is not particularly appropriate and he isn't respecting boundaries, however, I don't want to get into some big thing again before I see him (and I will have to see him everyday for a week!).

 

I got the "fell in love with you at first sight" from you in your original post.

 

You have asked for advice, but you aren't being honest with us or with yourself. If you feel that he isn't respecting your boundaries, then you have two choices. You can enforce your own boundaries by not taking his calls, or by getting off the phone, or by not flirting with him. OR (more importantly), you can examine these so-called boundaries and see why they are being crossed. Are they being crossed because they are no boundaries in sight, but you want to claim that you have clear boundaries so that you aren't guilty in this cheating R?

 

PS. And please respond to people's posts, rather than to just a selected sentence. When people take the time to write to your appeal for advice, then they believe that their words have merit, and when you ignore them and continually ask the same questions, it is irritating.

[candybars21]

I got the "fell in love with you at first sight" from you in your original post.

 

You have asked for advice, but you aren't being honest with us or with yourself. If you feel that he isn't respecting your boundaries, then you have two choices. You can enforce your own boundaries by not taking his calls, or by getting off the phone, or by not flirting with him. OR (more importantly), you can examine these so-called boundaries and see why they are being crossed. Are they being crossed because they are no boundaries in sight, but you want to claim that you have clear boundaries so that you aren't guilty in this cheating R?

 

PS. And please respond to people's posts, rather than to just a selected sentence. When people take the time to write to your appeal for advice, then they believe that their words have merit, and when you ignore them and continually ask the same questions, it is irritating.

 

I know we're both getting something out of it, whether it's wrong or not, and neither of us are stopping. I wish I could just stop, but it isn't easy for me and I don't know why. Clearly, it's not easy for him either...and I don't know why either.

 

No, he never said he fell in love with me at first sight. He never used the word love and neither have I. He's just said he's had strong feelings for me...but since he's decided to no longer cheat on his GF, he hasn't been as sexual toward me, but still flirts constantly and consistantly, calls me a few times a day and initiates conversation everytime we're online together. I did ask him to stop at one point and I did not speak to him and never initiated conversation for about two weeks; then he started up again.

[Lucky_One]

So what kind of advice do you want?

 

Advice to stop this potential for drama now, before you go there to work and it blows up in your face?

 

Advice to stop this R with this man because you are happily participating in something that you know is wrong and makes you feel "icky"?

[nofool4u]

I already did hook up with him...so...

 

When I say hook up, I mean as in a "committed" couple. You were talking about whether or not a future existed between you two.

 

so......what?

[candybars21]

When I say hook up, I mean as in a "committed" couple. You were talking about whether or not a future existed between you two.

 

so......what?

 

I don't think one exists between us, but we are still attracted to one another and enjoy spending time together.

[nofool4u]

I don't think one exists between us, but we are still attracted to one another and enjoy spending time together.

 

So you are still an accomplice to betraying someone?

 

I'm sorry, I can't seem to ascertain what advice you are soliciting here.

 

Boy, I'm looking at this all wrong. I need to start playing women for fools like this guy is.

[Michael30]

Boy, I'm looking at this all wrong. I need to start playing women for fools like this guy is.

 

Good lord, don't state that or otherwise the sexist females will come get ya.:laugh:

[candybars21]

Yeah, I guess I am an idiot.

[RRM]

Yeah, it's the same one. While he was being cold, I stopped contact all together and then HE reopened it. NO I do not call him, but I suspect I don't do much to discourage.

 

No, I do not think he's perfect for me. At the time when the cheating was going on, I did, but now with clarity of the situation, I do not think so.

 

I hadn't read your other thread, and still haven't since it's late and you clarified that you feel differently now than you did then. From what I get your posts you aren't seeing a future with this guy. Correct me if I'm wrong.

 

I know we're both getting something out of it, whether it's wrong or not, and neither of us are stopping. I wish I could just stop, but it isn't easy for me and I don't know why. Clearly, it's not easy for him either...and I don't know why either.

 

I think you both are getting something out of it, but you have to think about what you ultimately want to get out of this relationship/friendship the two of you have and whether or not this relationship/friendship is getting in the way of any other goals you may have.

 

Keeping this intense relationship going while at a small workplace could invite some real drama that you probably don't need.

 

Keeping this relationship/friendship going is understandable to some degree, but you need to think about what you ultimately want out of your interactions with him and whether or not this relationship/friendship is getting in the way of you moving on and being with a guy that is more available.

 

Basically, what I mean is, I am assuming that at some point in your future you want to be with an available guy that can give you a strong emotional and physical connection. Maybe you don't want that right now and are okay with this guy and the connection the two of you have. If, however, you do want something deeper in the near future, this guy doesn't sound like the right candidate.

 

Yeah, I guess I am an idiot.

 

I don't think you're an idiot. It's generally a lot easier to analyze someone else's situation than it is to analyze our own.

[nofool4u]

Good lord, don't state that or otherwise the sexist females will come get ya.:laugh:

 

Well then not only would they expose themselves as sexist, they'd be exposed for stupidity too. Because I was being sarcastic.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Yeah, I guess I am an idiot.

 

 

Don't worry you're not the first or the last...I'll never understand why women do it, but they seem not to have a problem cheating as long as it's not on them.

 

Of course the women the man cheats with are actually of less value than the person he is in a relationship with...but that's not saying much while he's cheating on her.

[candybars21]

Don't worry you're not the first or the last...I'll never understand why women do it, but they seem not to have a problem cheating as long as it's not on them.

 

Of course the women the man cheats with are actually of less value than the person he is in a relationship with...but that's not saying much while he's cheating on her.

 

 

I'd be willing to say the man doesn't really value either woman. He doesn't value his relationship if he's willing to put it in jeopardy for someone else, yet it's doubtful he values that girl either. Hopefully, he won't "end up" with either of us.

 

I do have a problem with him cheating on his GF...it just seems to be a cycle that keeps repeating.