Does anyone have any encouragement?

[RockGuy87]

I'm having trouble letting go. I can't get over the memories and the things she said. We been broken up for a week and she hasn't talked to me. I've been NC for 3 or 4 days. I cant seem how things can change so fast for her. I know some people will say she checked out awhile ago but if that's true why do they go out of their way to say the things they do. Why would she say those things then? I didn't fish them out so why say it on her own. I want to contact her so badly but dont want to make myself look worse. We both have finally had some days without each other and so I can't help but to reach out one last time. I can't take her silence as closure like people say to. I'm physically sick. Lost 10 pounds almost in a week. Ive even hung with friends. I went out every night this past weekend but I still am hooked

[Exit]

Well the first thing to realize is that you're only a week into this and what you're feeling is completely normal, so don't be hard on yourself or feel like you're doing something wrong or are a weak person.

 

Secondly, there is no satisfying answer to your question about why people say things they don't mean. The simple answer is that people are capable of lying and breaking promises. For those of us who aren't the type to do that, we have a hard time understanding it. When we can't comprehend that some people lie and break promises, and assume that everyone is true to their word, then we turn the blame around on ourselves, thinking we must have done something to have earned such a result. Instead of taking it at face value (she said stuff - she lied), we think they must have been telling the truth and we did something to cause the broken promise. But that's a broken way of thinking. Sometimes it may not even be that the person was lying, most of our exes probably weren't spitting a blatant lie in our faces when they said they'd love us forever, but the catch is, to them their feelings are conditional. "I'll love you forever, but if we have an argument next week, I might not". It's their fault that the things they say are either dishonest in the first place, or started out honestly but then changed in the blink of an eye. You're looking for an answer to a question that simply doesn't make sense. If she meant the things she said, she would still be here. Even if she meant the things she said, but then found her beliefs challenged by negative things happening in the relationship, she would have put in the work to help bring the relationship up to the level where she'd be able to keep her promises, instead of just abandoning it.

 

NC is hard but I'd say you owe it to yourself and maybe even to her to at least try it for a couple of weeks. Frankly I would say at least a month, but for now, just tell yourself 2 weeks. You just need time and space away from each other. I don't mean to make it sound like you're guaranteed to get back together, because you very well may not, but it certainly isn't going to happen if you try talking when things have only been left alone for a matter of days.

 

Going out and doing things is a good start, but as you've experienced, it's not some magic fix that is going to make the pain go away instantly.

 

Try to take care of yourself. Loosing weight and being unhealthy isn't always something we can control, emotions like stress and anxiety have a direct effect on appetite, and if you don't feel like eating, then you probably won't. Get some meal replacement shakes or some smoothies or something, just for some nutrition and calories, because it may be a while before you feel like sitting down to a steak dinner, but it's not hard to drink something.

 

Being dumped is an extremely difficult situation, it generates countless questions and very few answers. Yet even when there are answers, sometimes we want to be in denial about them. It could be as simple as "she doesn't love you" or "she broke her promises", but when we are still in love with someone, we don't like thinking those negative things, so we tell ourselves there must be some other reason that doesn't involve that person not loving us. But sometimes the best answers are the simplest. It's the old k.i.s.s. method: keep it simple, stupid. The girl said a bunch of crap and didn't live up to it. Every day people break their marriage vows and get divorced. There are no answers to these things except that human beings are imperfect.

[Philosoraptor]

From what I've seen in the world most dumpers are going back and forth in their head. They are scared just as much as you are after they do the deed. While the negative emotions stay hidden as best as they can, the positive things from the relationship that they do not want to lose are put in full view. This is why in many cases you will see the person ending the relationship saying how they want to get married, claiming limitless love, and planning a future with you just before they leave. I don't see this as malicious but they and having that struggle within but only half comes out as they do not want to rock the boat if they come to the decision that the relationship is what they want.

 

But to your specific situation. You need to give it time, simple as that. Take time now to do things that you couldn't do before and make your own dreams come true. When my relationship ended I made a bucket list and jumped out of a plane shortly after. Instead of letting life guide me I took the bull by the horns and created my own path to healing. It's not easy but you will get stronger every day as long as you continue to move in the right direction.

[geegirl]

I'm having trouble letting go. I can't get over the memories and the things she said. We been broken up for a week and she hasn't talked to me. I've been NC for 3 or 4 days. I cant seem how things can change so fast for her. I know some people will say she checked out awhile ago but if that's true why do they go out of their way to say the things they do. Why would she say those things then? I didn't fish them out so why say it on her own. I want to contact her so badly but dont want to make myself look worse. We both have finally had some days without each other and so I can't help but to reach out one last time. I can't take her silence as closure like people say to. I'm physically sick. Lost 10 pounds almost in a week. Ive even hung with friends. I went out every night this past weekend but I still am hooked

 

You've only been on NC for 3/4 days. It's a raw gaping wound. Your feelings are normal. One thing you have to understand is that she is the source of your pain. You CANNOT find comfort in what is causing you pain. You have to feel it and bear with it on your own. Reaching out to her alleviates your hurt temporarily. After contact, you will have to go back to those same feelings you were struggling with. The only way past it is through it.

 

It's going to take weeks or possibly a couple of months before those feelings are tolerable.

 

It's a break up. That is all the closure that you need. Her silence is just part and parcel of what this entails. Any response she provides you doesn't change the fact that it is still a break up.

 

Breaking NC only takes you back to where you started, and where you started is no different than what your feelings are right now. Look for comfort in your family and friends. The loss of a loved one is equivalent to death. You are grieving a loss. It is uncomfortable. There is no other way to process it but to feel it and fight your way through it.

 

People make all sorts of declarations. I was promised a life together with all the bells and whistles. It never happened. It doesn't mean that he didn't feel those hopes and dreams. He may have at the time but his feelings and his intent changed. She may have said all sorts to you but you will never understand her intent or her truths. You have to let that go.

 

Words are never guarantees. They're just words.

Edited January 17, 2012 by geegirl

[RockGuy87]

Thanks you guys for taking the time to write such long responses. I just feel that was broken can be fixed. I had attitude when I shouldn't have but was really stressed out over family stuff and the first few days of being back at college. I keep convincing myself that I need to tell her because that's what ha happened in the past. It's hard when I was wrong and yet I think she's waiting on me and seeing me as the reason we split. Two days after I told her I was sorry and that I wanted to work on things and she said that her mind hadn't changed. I also want to kno if there is someone else. For the fact I would then no longer want back and could EASIER move on. I've experienced this once what impact it can have when that happens and how it pushes them out of mind, atleast in a relationship way. That's how I feel anyways.

 

I'll say here what I would say to her maybe to get it off my chest.

 

"Hey,

 

I'm going to keep this short. I feel like I need to say that I'm sorry for the way I acted and that I was really stressed out. I let things get the best of me and that affected us. I'm saying these things for myself and that's it. Because over the past few days things have really been put into perspective for me. Im going to move on and are coming to terms with that. Things could of never worked without you wanting it to but us separating was for the best. I couldn't have gotten to where I am now without it. I could've done better but I have to forgive that and go on my way and respect your decision.

[Philosoraptor]

Peace will come from within. Any contact made right now will most likely lead you to more pain in one way or another.

[RockGuy87]

I know it comes in time. But it's not really of what she says back. Just me forgiving myself for what i did. I feel I do that by being able to admit that to the person that tried to inform me.

 

Or its rough to take but cuts the thread if there is someone else but I don't know how to find out for sure

[geegirl]

"Hey,

 

I'm going to keep this short. I feel like I need to say that I'm sorry for the way I acted and that I was really stressed out. I let things get the best of me and that affected us. I'm saying these things for myself and that's it. Because over the past few days things have really been put into perspective for me. Im going to move on and are coming to terms with that. Things could of never worked without you wanting it to but us separating was for the best. I couldn't have gotten to where I am now without it. I could've done better but I have to forgive that and go on my way and respect your decision.

 

You're saying these things in hopes of getting a reaction from her. That will allow you to gauge her position. Almost as if you're saying, "Hey, I'm moving on. I'm serious. You have this last chance to get me back. I'm really going. You sure about this? You positive?"

 

If you respect her decision, you don't need to reiterate your respect by sending her a note. You respect her decision by accepting NC and abiding to what she has already asked for.

 

Trust me when I tell you that the last thing you need to know is that she has someone else. Be careful of what you wish for. And even if you were hard pressed for the truth, it may never be granted to you.

 

Firstly, respect her decision by keeping silent just as she is doing. Secondly, there is no need to announce to her your decision to move on. When you break up, it is all you can do. If you have to announce it, then there's a need to provoke a reaction in hopes of finding comfort for your pains.

 

Stay NC.

[Philosoraptor]

It matters not if there is someone else. You needen't find out that information as it truly has no effect on the situation now. You are single and in need of healing.

 

Forgive yourself for whatever you did wrong and make a promise to yourself to do better in the future. Forgive your ex(internally) for where she came up short. When you can truly forgive you will find that peace and happiness that you desire. Sending anything to her right now is not going to help anything.

 

I've been there man. Things didn't get better for me until I took the bull by the horns and made my path for healing. I was able to find total forgiveness and instead of holding any negative emotions I only feel sorry for the position she has put herself in and hope that she finds her happiness in the end.

[moosekaka]

When my relationship ended I made a bucket list and jumped out of a plane shortly after.

 

that's funny, I'm booked to jump off one myself this weekend on my birthday!

 

Rockguy, I have to agree that that post you were getting off your chest sounds like an attempt to get a reaction from her, because I myself wrote something very similar two months ago right after my breakup.

 

Comparing your experience to mine, I say you are in the shock and denial phase at the moment. The one advice I found very useful when I was at that point was to find ANYTHING to engage my mind in fully, to be present with whatever that activity was even if only for an hour.

 

Maybe hanging out with your friends, your mind wasn't really engaged/present with your friends? Try working out/running/physical activity as that will require full concentration at least during that time you are doing it. Even 15 mins of time where your mind isn't on the ex is relief for your pysche. For me it was running/yoga/learning something new such as dancing/gymnastics, if that doesn't work for you maybe you can try video games etc, but try something that is beneficial in some way to your physical health/mental wellbeing so that at least you can have something tangible to show for the time you put into the activity.

 

If you have watched the movie 'Yes Man' by Jim Carrey, try something new and outside your comfort zone, the human mind will force itself to engage/be present in something it is unfamiliar with in order to cope. Bottom line, being present mentally is what you need to give your mind a break from the hurt.

 

If you like reading, I recommend you google 'Mindfullness' as a concept and coping mechanism.

Edited January 17, 2012 by moosekaka

[moosekaka]

here is a great article:

 

http://balanceinme.com/balanced-mind-and-soul/how-to-be-mindful/

[RockGuy87]

Thank you so much to everyone for their posts. I can see why everyone is saying im hoping to get an reaction out of her. Its just its hard to let go. I know it is for everyone and im not alone but the last time we split for a lil bit things eventually worked out. After all this ignoring even. She admitted she missed me and that she was a better woman because of me etc etc. Things went good until the stress of holiday break caught up to us. I wish I HAD done something. I wish there was a reason for this.

 

I went through a break up with a girl of 3 years about a year ago. It was so rough. Harder than this time I think. But after 2-3 months no contact with her I found out she had another guy and had for awhile. This let me go in a way. It settled my mind and finally stopped all of the scheming my brain was doing. It was it and done for. I guess thats what Im wanting here. Just sooner so I can have the same relief earlier on.

 

I have tried best to occupy my mind. Its been hard but ive tried. Ive talked with friends, family, and even went to the bars this past weekend and my mind was really off of it all (probably just the beer thinking). I know it will hurt.

 

Im confused because of how me and this girl were. She has ignored before and taken her space. But this time there has been no sad facebook statues, nothing on facebook at all. Last time i sent her a message telling her:

 

"I'm so sorry on how things ended the other night and after. I've had these last few days to think about you and our relationship. It hasn't been easy for me because I really value and care about you and our relationship. I know that I'm a better man when you are in my life.

 

I know we had some struggles in our relationship. We are both young and inexperienced and I know that we have to learn how to treat each other...but we can't do that if we don't talk about it. I have a lot I have realized that went wrong on my end.

 

I know I was a real knucklehead the other night in not showing you the respect you deserve and said things i didnt mean. Once again I sincerely apologize and hopefully you can find it in your heart to forgive me.

 

I miss you a lot."

 

She responded with similar things and saying she was sorry and what not. Even went on to say she couldnt go another day without me.

 

So I think I get stuck on the path of thinking after a few days (the above time was after 4-5 days i think) of me saying something to her.

 

I wanna add that im turing over in my head the idea that she called on Saturday. Which was our one year. It only vibrated once (that i noticed at least) and that was it. I figured it was an accident. But at the same time we had the same problem through out our relationship where she would call and ring numerous times but on my end it would only ring once. I remember her asking me why i didnt answer once and it was because it rang once and hung up.

Edited January 17, 2012 by RockGuy87

[moosekaka]

rockguy, a couple more tips:

 

1)block her facebook, it wont alert her that you did, its not permanent but it is inconvenient enough to make you not check her updates, I wished I had done this sooner. NC does not count until all social media updates are unavailable (think back to the time before email and internet)

 

2)there is a difference between doing things to take your mind of her and really engaging in an activity. its subtle but important to clarify so I will give my experience as an example:

 

for a variety of reasons I decided to attend a hiphop class, I had never danced before in my life and was really scared as most guys would be. The first half hour I felt really stupid and self conscious and thought to myself, "this is stupid, I am only doing this because of her". Even though my mind had to concentrate on learning the moves, I was not enjoying it because I was not fully present in the moment.

 

After an hour, when we got the moves down, a sense of fun and exhilaration came down on me and that was when I realized I had fully engaged in the moment and could really enjoy the activity for what it was, instead of looking at it as just a distraction. Maybe dancing isn't fun for you (you wont know till you try it), try something else but you can't go into it thinking I am just doing this to distract myself, instead you really have to be open minded enough to think "Ok, I am learning a new skill/activity/experience and see how it goes".

 

3) You will still feel bad/hurt/sad after this, but at least your mind got a break and there is something tangible to show for after this. As for how to cope when feeling bad/sad, I am still struggling with this myself especially in the morning before getting up, but seeing a therapist/talking to a trusted one helps a bit.

Edited January 17, 2012 by moosekaka

[RockGuy87]

Thanks moose.

 

I did go into going out this weekend with an open mind. Friday especially. I had a lot of fun and didnt think of her or really care to think about her.

 

But gah that phone call thing has been dragging with me ever since saturday night.

[moosekaka]

that's why you need to maintain some distance for a while (two months and counting in my case, which is hard since we work in the same lab).

 

When you are feeling sad/down, do not try to fight it or force yourself to get over it because it is like scratching a scab/wound, take 5 deep breaths, consciously say to yourself "I am feeling bad/I miss her/I hate her etc" and "allow" yourself to connect with your thoughts.

 

Also try to stay off alcohol, I made that mistake myself and it doesn't really do any good. Learn to manage the pain rather than fight it with control methods such as alcohol/drugs.

[AwptiK]

You've only been on NC for 3/4 days. It's a raw gaping wound. Your feelings are normal. One thing you have to understand is that she is the source of your pain. You CANNOT find comfort in what is causing you pain. You have to feel it and bear with it on your own. Reaching out to her alleviates your hurt temporarily. After contact, you will have to go back to those same feelings you were struggling with. The only way past it is through it.

 

I know this isn't my post, but I needed to hear this - thank you!

 

RockGuy87- I'm in the exact same boat man. I understand your pain. Definitely follow the advice everyone's already given you. Do whatever you need to do to occupy your free time. Going to the gym is an idea I haven't seen suggested yet, i've gone back to going on a regular schedule and it feels great. Another suggestion is to reconnect with some friends you may have not spent time with much during the relationship - go straight down your contacts if you have to and hit up each person.

 

 

As far as the relationship goes, there are always things that you need to come to terms with to help yourself heal. The reason for breaking up wasn't said, but i'm sure you feel that you did something wrong during the relationship or to cause the end of it. For me, that's my anger.. It caused a few rough patches in the relationship and part of the ending (although in time, I think it was less and less of a factor). My point is, that you have this time to better yourself and work on yourself. If there is something that needs attention, give it attention.

 

 

My last point, is that we were both dumped. There isn't anything you can do about it to get a change. Time is a huge factor here, because for anything to ever possibly happen again, both sides need to be healed and the factors that caused the end of the relationship need to be addressed. I'd love for my ex to change her mind and call me right now, but I know and have to remember, that right now, things would maybe work for a week and then crash again. Give her complete space right now and focus only on yourself. Don't think about the future - take every day for what it is. If she wants you back, she will make it obvious. Over time you will probably see and come to realize there is someone better suited for you out there. Best of luck man.

[RockGuy87]

Thanks guys.

 

Its nice having people talk me off the ledge.

 

But can anyone put any insight into the phone call? I know it could be an accident and I know i am just grabbing at anything I can get but seriously. Its happened before.....

[moosekaka]

rockguy, lets put it this way, if it was really that important or she wanted to really talk with you in the way you want, she would have called again, or communicated somehow via email, skype, friends etc...(btw dont you have caller ID?)

 

Lets say she did try to call you but hung up....do you think she would be in the right frame of mind to engage with you in a conversation that would help you two move forward?

[Exit]

rockguy, lets put it this way, if it was really that important or she wanted to really talk with you in the way you want, she would have called again, or communicated somehow

 

Bingo.

 

I'm sure it's tempting to think "she called once and I missed it and now she thinks I don't want anything to do with her and isn't going to reach out again".

 

Still, if she had something important to say, she would have followed up with a text or vmail explaining what exactly she called about.

 

It sucks being at this stage of a breakup where even a brief ring of the phone will have you wondering what it meant for days at a time.

 

It really doesn't matter. If you had something to say to her, tried calling, and she didn't answer, don't you think you'd care enough to send an email or something and explain what you called for?

 

Maybe she really did call for a specific reason, and either she hung up, or your phone only rang once, but in the end, does it matter now?

 

Trust me I know how easy it is to get hung up on small details like this but try to let it go. If she had something important to say she'd make sure you knew about it.

[RockGuy87]

I have caller id. It was her 100%. The doubt isnt in that. Wish it told me how long the call lasted on her end but it doesnt.

 

I have thought that also. If she wanted to talk bad enough she would have tried other ways. But I also never said anything right away because I wanted to see if she did again or to give some time so if i decided to say something it didnt seem like i was waiting by the phone. Which i didnt follow through with either.

 

I dont know if she meant to call and just took that I had ignored it and dropped it. Just funny to me how it happened on our one year and I know how she is. By then she would have deleted my phone contact so she either "accidently" hit it by:

-Going through our texts and hit call (those of you with an iPhone know what im talking about)

-Or through her recent calls which would have been the day before because we talked when I went and got my things.

[RockGuy87]

It really doesn't matter. If you had something to say to her, tried calling, and she didn't answer, don't you think you'd care enough to send an email or something and explain what you called for?

 

At this point... no i wouldnt. I would think of it as, I called she will see the missed call and its up to her to decide is she cares enough to find out what it was.

[geegirl]

We can all tell you to ignore. We can all tell you that if she had anything life changing to tell you, she would tell you. It could have been an accidental hit of a button or she may have wanted to talk to you. Her motives? No one can tell you but speculate and give you the best advice which would be that if she had to tell you something that changed the dynamics, then she would.

 

You have two choices. You can accept and let go that it was only a missed call and that if she wanted to say something poignant to you, she would have said it. Or you can pick up the phone and get it out of your system. You have to choose.

[RockGuy87]

I wont call or contact her to ask about that night. Not happening. My only thing is composing something both effective and yet at the same time saves some pride and not getting the pathetic tone off. If she ever wanted to bring up how i didnt answer then that would be the way I would know. Unless I mention it in with SOMETHING ELSE i say.

 

Its a time game. I dont wanna do it too soon but I also dont want to wait too long either. The longer I wait the more days i risk wasting in setbacks. But I dont want this to keep me from progressing forward.

[RockGuy87]

I dont want crap for this or some bashing.

 

I had deactivated my facebook when all this went down. I then got it back up and running. I didnt remove my ex just because I was waiting to see if and when she did (call it stupid but it was on purpose). Nothing had happened. Its been up since yesterday and i was putting off updating it at all to see how long it took her to go to my page randomly and do it.

 

Well curosity killed the cat and I posted a facebook status about being excited for a concert in June. I was instantly removed....

 

It hurts but at the same time its happened before. This is the third time. Before i believe each one of us had done the removing but this time she did.

 

Im speechless and dont know what to say... not to her even. Just to anything.

[lilyblue]

I dont want crap for this or some bashing.

 

I had deactivated my facebook when all this went down. I then got it back up and running. I didnt remove my ex just because I was waiting to see if and when she did (call it stupid but it was on purpose). Nothing had happened. Its been up since yesterday and i was putting off updating it at all to see how long it took her to go to my page randomly and do it.

 

Well curosity killed the cat and I posted a facebook status about being excited for a concert in June. I was instantly removed....

 

It hurts but at the same time its happened before. This is the third time. Before i believe each one of us had done the removing but this time she did.

 

Im speechless and dont know what to say... not to her even. Just to anything.

 

My ex deleted me too, 3 months after he disappeared and a few hours after he friended his ex-wife/current gf - I'm sure she "made" him. I'm not saying that this is a similar situation at all, just that it sucks and stings for a bit (maybe even a long bit) when something even as dumb as being deleted from fb happens.