How do I stop reacting/thinking like a 6 year old and more like an adult?

[Ross MwcFan]

My therapist made an interesting revelation, which I agree with.

 

A big part of my issues, is that with certain situations, I react to them more like a 6 year old instead of a 36 year old adult.

 

For example, if I was driving somewhere and I got lost, I would be scared, distressed, panic, and not know what to do, and I would be wanting someone to rescue me.

 

This is how a 6 year old would react, not an adult. An adult would be able to get themselves out of that situation, whereas I would just stay stranded and not know what to do.

 

Another example is that I worry about people getting angry with me and being mean to me. When it happens I get very distressed, I'll want to hide away at home and not go out again, and I'll curl up on my bed.

 

There's so many more examples.

 

This is a big part of why I have never really got anywhere in life.

 

I asked my therapist about how I can make the change from reacting/thinking like a child in certain situations to thinking like an adult.

 

I can't quite remember what he said, but he seemed very vague.

 

Has anyone got any ideas on how I can make that change?

Edited January 17, 2012 by Ross MwcFan

[Dust]

You say stuff we can all relate to. Like getting lost while driving is upsetting. It's happened to me. If I can get a friend on the phone I'll ask them for directions. If I'm going to a hotel for example I'll call the hotel up. If those solutions don't work I'll stop at a gas station and ask them for directions.

 

I mean you were writing about being nervous of where to park. That happens to me too. Parking is stressful sht some times especialy when you go some where and can't find a parking spot. You just have to keep on keeping on. I mean worst case scenario you never find a parking spot and have to park a few miles away and walk... or heck go home if there really is no parking. You have to try.

 

Only you can stop acting like a baby. We can't give you some secret trick. Just do it!

[Ross MwcFan]

You say stuff we can all relate to. Like getting lost while driving is upsetting. It's happened to me. If I can get a friend on the phone I'll ask them for directions. If I'm going to a hotel for example I'll call the hotel up. If those solutions don't work I'll stop at a gas station and ask them for directions.

 

I mean you were writing about being nervous of where to park. That happens to me too. Parking is stressful sht some times especialy when you go some where and can't find a parking spot. You just have to keep on keeping on. I mean worst case scenario you never find a parking spot and have to park a few miles away and walk... or heck go home if there really is no parking. You have to try.

 

Only you can stop acting like a baby. We can't give you some secret trick. Just do it!

 

I wish it was that simple/easy.

[tman666]

Make a concerted effort to practice. It's sort of like the phrase "fake it 'til you make it". The good news is that you're not a 6 year old. You're a grown man who has been observing the world around him for 36 years. You presumably know how a "normal" adult male would react to the various situations that you encounter, even if you personally have a difficult time responding the way you wish to. While it might not come naturally for you, you're going to have to fight your feelings of inadequacy, fear, and panic, and practice defeating them. Even when every fiver of your being is telling you to feel and act a certain way, you need to practice choosing and powering through the most difficult route.

 

It's a fight or flight response that you're going to have to learn to recognize and choose "fight" for most situations.

[carhill]

What dynamics inspire confidence and calm? Identify those and go with them.

 

For example, I go to a lot of unfamiliar places in my work as well as when I travel. Information technology and knowledge inspires confidence and calm so that's what I go with. Back when I was young (college age) before such technologies, I'd have my maps and directions and, if all else failed, I'd stop a local person and ask.

 

IMO, the best thing to remember is you're not alone. You may think you're the only person out there who has such responses, but you're not. It's part of the human experience. You can deal with it. Your therapist can provide tools and exercises to help you.

 

Tip: When I feel like a 'childhood' tape is coming on, I stop, take a breath, and wait a bit. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. Ignore this advice if a speeding car is hurtling towards you

[PlumPrincess]

I wish it was that simple/easy.

You have to repeat it over and over and over until one day it doesn't matter that much anymore. I was a pretty insecure child and just asking someone on the street for the time would make me nervous. I wanted to overcome my nervousness and shyness though and over the years, I've been able to overcome it for many situations. Asking for directions was a big deal when I was a kid, but nowadays it's just something that I don't think about at all.

[akazid]

You have to repeat it over and over and over until one day it doesn't matter that much anymore. I was a pretty insecure child and just asking someone on the street for the time would make me nervous. I wanted to overcome my nervousness and shyness though and over the years, I've been able to overcome it for many situations. Asking for directions was a big deal when I was a kid, but nowadays it's just something that I don't think about at all.

 

This. Practice makes perfect.

 

Also, I'd even go a few steps further and say there are no smart people. Just people who had a lot of practice with the matter at hand.

[Ross MwcFan]

Make a concerted effort to practice. It's sort of like the phrase "fake it 'til you make it". The good news is that you're not a 6 year old. You're a grown man who has been observing the world around him for 36 years. You presumably know how a "normal" adult male would react to the various situations that you encounter, even if you personally have a difficult time responding the way you wish to. While it might not come naturally for you, you're going to have to fight your feelings of inadequacy, fear, and panic, and practice defeating them. Even when every fiver of your being is telling you to feel and act a certain way, you need to practice choosing and powering through the most difficult route.

 

It's a fight or flight response that you're going to have to learn to recognize and choose "fight" for most situations.

 

The problem is is that I don't know specifically how an adult male would react to any of these situations, I don't even think I 'vaguely' know how an adult male would react sometimes.

[betterdeal]

I can very much identify with your description of having child-like responses to things that worry me. I'm enjoying How To Stop Worrying And Start Living by Dale Carnegie. The advice is practical and down to Earth. I think you could pick up a lot from it too.

 

Regards how to respond in the future, experiment with different responses. You have a lot of time on your hands and can afford to spend some of it making mistakes, learning from them, and honing your thinking, your reactions and ultimately your feelings. Think of your mind as a complex set of muscle. You can train them with practice, exercise, food and experimentation.

 

Try that book, and maybe some of the Paul McKenna self-confidence books and CDs. It all ties in together. Soon enough you can turn most threats into opportunities, with practice and the right tools.

 

Remember your feelings are *just* feelings. You can change them and you can endure the worst of them for a day. Then you sleep and tomorrow is a new day, a new start.

[ThaWholigan]

How is your internet connection? Can you download torrents??

 

I have downloaded a lot of torrents that contain ways to help you deal with such issues. I find myself always reverting to child like ways at inopportune moments, and through great focus I have managed to curb those tendencies drastically, and listening to the audio programs I downloaded have been a big help. If you wish, you can PM me and I can see if I can provide you with links, and if you don't know how to do torrents, I'll try to help you.

[Dust]

Maybe you need to go on a quest! You know go travel the world. Climb mountain in Tibet looking for some long lost monestary and then study the ways of the monks for a while till you find inner peace. See NYC and ride the subway. Live life and you'll grow!

[Ross MwcFan]

You have to repeat it over and over and over until one day it doesn't matter that much anymore. I was a pretty insecure child and just asking someone on the street for the time would make me nervous. I wanted to overcome my nervousness and shyness though and over the years, I've been able to overcome it for many situations. Asking for directions was a big deal when I was a kid, but nowadays it's just something that I don't think about at all.

 

What is it that I'm supposed to repeat over and over, that I'm a 36 year old adult?

 

Yeah, I would actually find asking for directions very hard to do.

 

I can very much identify with your description of having child-like responses to things that worry me. I'm enjoying How To Stop Worrying And Start Living by Dale Carnegie. The advice is practical and down to Earth. I think you could pick up a lot from it too.

 

Regards how to respond in the future, experiment with different responses. You have a lot of time on your hands and can afford to spend some of it making mistakes, learning from them, and honing your thinking, your reactions and ultimately your feelings. Think of your mind as a complex set of muscle. You can train them with practice, exercise, food and experimentation.

 

Try that book, and maybe some of the Paul McKenna self-confidence books and CDs. It all ties in together. Soon enough you can turn most threats into opportunities, with practice and the right tools.

 

Remember your feelings are *just* feelings. You can change them and you can endure the worst of them for a day. Then you sleep and tomorrow is a new day, a new start.

 

Hey I have that very same book, I did read it many years ago, but maybe I'll read it again sometime.

 

As for the Paul McKenna stuff, I have a lot of his CD's. I think they worked for me at first, but then eventually I felt like I wasn't making anymore progress from them, so I stopped listening to them.

 

Turning a threat into an opportunity sounds interesting, could you give an example?

 

Maybe you need to go on a quest! You know go travel the world. Climb mountain in Tibet looking for some long lost monestary and then study the ways of the monks for a while till you find inner peace. See NYC and ride the subway. Live life and you'll grow!

 

Lol, let's take things one step at a time eh?

Edited January 19, 2012 by Ross MwcFan

[betterdeal]

Turning a threat into an opportunity sounds interesting, could you give an example?

 

Okay, you've got lost. Previously, you saw that as a threat. Now you see it as an opportunity to find out more about an area you haven't been to before, a chance to fill in some of your mental map. Check out the architecture - is the brick work the same as it is in your street or different? What smells are there you can detect? Are there any features here you'd like to find out more about, or spend some time in? Like a pub, or a park, or a statue? Now you know the sun comes up in the East and goes down in the West, and it's 3pm, so <----- that way must be West, and you know you're pretty far North and it's winter so the sun is quite far South, so <----- that way must be sort of South West-ish really. So this way -----> is probably the direction I want to be heading, but I can stop and ask someone the way. Maybe find a petrol station and ask there. Now that's good to know there's a petrol station there, and it's 5p a litre cheaper than the one you normally use...

 

You see what I'm getting at? There's loads of information all around you and chances to interact with people you'd have never met before.

[Ross MwcFan]

Okay, you've got lost. Previously, you saw that as a threat. Now you see it as an opportunity to find out more about an area you haven't been to before, a chance to fill in some of your mental map. Check out the architecture - is the brick work the same as it is in your street or different? What smells are there you can detect? Are there any features here you'd like to find out more about, or spend some time in? Like a pub, or a park, or a statue? Now you know the sun comes up in the East and goes down in the West, and it's 3pm, so <----- that way must be West, and you know you're pretty far North and it's winter so the sun is quite far South, so <----- that way must be sort of South West-ish really. So this way -----> is probably the direction I want to be heading, but I can stop and ask someone the way. Maybe find a petrol station and ask there. Now that's good to know there's a petrol station there, and it's 5p a litre cheaper than the one you normally use...

 

You see what I'm getting at? There's loads of information all around you and chances to interact with people you'd have never met before.

 

Thanks, I get what you're saying, that's a good idea.

[FitChick]

I asked my therapist about how I can make the change from reacting/thinking like a child in certain situations to thinking like an adult. I can't quite remember what he said, but he seemed very vague. Has anyone got any ideas on how I can make that change?

 

That's the problem with conventional therapy. It can tell you why you do something but not how to do something differently other than "just do it." It sets you up to fail and you feel even worse.

 

That is why you need to eliminate the three beliefs at this website. You will notice a big change very quickly and it will help you identify even more beliefs that are stopping you because you will know how you formed them in the first place.

Edited January 23, 2012 by FitChick

[Ross MwcFan]

That's the problem with conventional therapy. It can tell you why you do something but not how to do something differently other than "just do it." It sets you up to fail and you feel even worse.

 

That is why you need to eliminate the three beliefs at this website. You will notice a big change very quickly and it will help you identify even more beliefs that are stopping you because you will know how you formed them in the first place.

 

I went over to that website, I chose the 'I'm not good enough' belief, and what was said in the video made a LOT of sense, and it did make me realise that technically the belief that I'm not good enough is wrong. But, it didn't change the feeling, it still 'felt' as though it is true on some level.

[Meeks7]

Get a GPS.

 

Seriously, invest in one. It sounds like you don't have one. You can get a decent enough one for around 100 bucks. I'm not the best with direction, and a GPS has been a God-send for me.

 

I echo the fake it til you make it sentiment.

You just got to keep thinking positive, surround yourself around positive people (a support group or upbeat friends would help you) and keep visualizing "success" (in however form you need success to appear).

 

It's not an overnight process either.

But you can do it.

[Ross MwcFan]

Get a GPS.

 

Seriously, invest in one. It sounds like you don't have one. You can get a decent enough one for around 100 bucks. I'm not the best with direction, and a GPS has been a God-send for me.

 

I echo the fake it til you make it sentiment.

You just got to keep thinking positive, surround yourself around positive people (a support group or upbeat friends would help you) and keep visualizing "success" (in however form you need success to appear).

 

It's not an overnight process either.

But you can do it.

 

Yeah, I've been looking into getting a Sat Nav. I also like the idea of surrounding myself with positive people, I've already done that online, but as for offline, in order to do that I'll have to get out there more.

 

I've been trying to let go of negative thoughts for a long time now, and recently I've been trying to replace them with positive thoughts.

 

I could try to start always visualizing success, but could I be setting myself up for dissapointment by doing that?

[betterdeal]

I could try to start always visualizing success, but could I be setting myself up for dissapointment by doing that?

 

There's only one way to find out... do it! What's the alternative? Is it any better?

[Ross MwcFan]

There's only one way to find out... do it! What's the alternative? Is it any better?

 

Yeah, the alternative may not be any better.

 

I'll do it.

[Els]

I think it's just a lack of experience IMO. It's probably how every coddled child feels when they head off to college for the first time. You just need to put yourself out there more often, accept your mistakes, work through them with your therapist, and take one step at a time.

[betterdeal]

Yeah, the alternative may not be any better.

 

I'll do it.

 

That's the spirit!

[Meeks7]

I could try to start always visualizing success, but could I be setting myself up for dissapointment by doing that?

 

 

Your old self and way of thinking will not die without putting up a fight. Case in point: read your quote again.

 

One foot ahead of the other. Keep on keepin' on. Learn from past mistakes and errors, but don't ever condemn yourself, learn and then move on as a man better for having learned those mistakes. It's a subtle but effective attitude to adopt.

[D-Lish]

Ross,

 

I think it's obvious you suffer from anxiety. Anxiety is really common. I also suffer from extreme anxiety, and I have since I was a child. Somehow I learned to push through it. I feel all the anticipatory symptoms, but I force myself to deal with them and push through them.

 

I think it comes from growing up and just thinking my anxiety was "normal"- mostly because I didn't know feeling any other way was how people without anxiety faced the world.

 

I have a great fear of getting lost when I go someplace new. I will often sweat, panic, think over and over again that I've missed a street I was supposed to turn down. I will work myself up before I go and have an internal frenzy going on. Guess what? I've always made it to my destination, and I've always made it back. I might have driven past the street, gone a little too far, maybe encountered a detour that was totally unexpected... Always made it though- and I know you have as well.

 

People with anxiety go to the worst case scenario for most situations, we live with our glass half empty instead of half full.

 

You have to acknowledge that whenever you've gotten lost in the past, you've made it home (or you'd still be out there driving right now after a wrong turn you made 2 weeks ago). The trick is to remind yourself that how you are feeling is irrational. You have to acknowledge that, and you have to tell yourself that over and over.

 

You have to ask yourself- what's the worst thing that can happen if you get lost while driving? Is it really possible to never find your way home again? Has that ever happened to you? Obviously it hasn't.

 

The biggest obstacle is to face things we don't want to face- but it's also the best reward when you face it and everything works out (like it will most of the time). When something works out- acknowledge that experience and feeling of accomplishment, and add it to your collection of positive outcomes.

 

The way I deal with my anxiety is to expose it to myself. I am using driving as an example because I know that is one of your "things" that bother you. Firstly, before you leave, remind yourself that you've never gotten lost before and not made it home. When you are driving, and you start getting nervous, remind yourself that you can always pull over and call someone or ask someone for directions. Most importantly- embrace the rational notion that making a wrong turn or missing your street is not the end of the world. It's not rational to think you'll never get where you need to go, or never get back home afterward- and that's what you have to remind yourself of over and over.

 

You have to use your internal voice of reason to talk over your anxiety. It takes some practice, but it works.

 

Listen, the fact that you have such anxiety about driving, but endeavour to set out in your car in the first place illustrates progress.

 

Talk to yourself, it's possible to talk yourself down and rationalize with yourself.

[FitChick]

I went over to that website, I chose the 'I'm not good enough' belief, and what was said in the video made a LOT of sense, and it did make me realise that technically the belief that I'm not good enough is wrong. But, it didn't change the feeling, it still 'felt' as though it is true on some level.

 

Well done for trying it, Ross! Unlike some people on here, you really do make an effort and I commend you. Obviously a phone session would be better but you can't afford it. I suggest doing "I'm not important" next to see what happens. I don't know if you can use your same email address. You might have to create another email account. Try repeating the process and see how it feels, if it "loosens up." I hope you spoke out loud as instructed and didn't just "think" the process.

 

The problem I had with the website was Morty went really fast. Feel free to pause the video and really let what he is saying sink in. Also, it can be a little confusing reading one thing and hearing him saying something different.

 

You might find watching

helpful to see how it's done. It's in five parts.

 

You will receive links to Morty's blog and there are a lot of interesting and helpful articles.

 

I'm so pleased you tried the Lefkoe Method and really appreciate your feedback. It totally changed my life! You can PM me if you need more help.