setsenia Posted January 18, 2012 Share Posted January 18, 2012 So my brother at 27 years old was recently diagnosed with a mental illness that has prevented him from driving until he starts receiving treatment and medication. Well, my brother also takes advantage of people who don't say no. He has always been very immature, he and his girlfriend. He won't pay rent unless it's demanded of him, he'll ask to borrow money and then never pay it back and then he'll try and get out of paying people for driving him everywhere. He'll ask my husband for rides home, which is way out of the way from where we live and right now. We are living off one small income, so we cannot afford the gas. My husband has a hard time saying no to people (which his parents took full advantage of that) so people will ask him for favors and he is hesitant to ask to be compensated for said favors. I've been trying to set limits with my family regarding all the favor asking. I work during the week and I also go to school, I'm too tired to put up with this crap. I told my husband that he needs to set his foot down and tell my brother that he either needs to have the money to compensate him for gas or he gets a ride from someone else. With my brother this has gone on on a daily basis. He lives on the other side of town and wants us to pick him up to come back to our side of town to hang out and then take him home. We cannot be financially generous at the moment due to my husband being unemployed. I am the one paying for the gas, and my husband cannot say not to the ride giving. My brother takes full advantage of that. He needs to understand that he's an adult and that it's not our responsiblity to get him places. If he wants a favor and we're able, then great. But he needs to compensate us for the time and gas. Link to post Share on other sites
Maoky Posted January 18, 2012 Share Posted January 18, 2012 Mental illness or not, you need to set limits with your brother. Set your foot down with both your husband and your brother. Even if your family disapprove, you are all grown adults - you have your own lives now. They will eventually learn to accept it. Link to post Share on other sites
Clep Posted January 18, 2012 Share Posted January 18, 2012 When I am going through something with people that want no limits I can look at it as a wonderful learning process. My husband also has issues sharing how he feels about situations and fears conflict. He will make decisions that fuel the fire without realizing it. It can be very difficult. He does have a choice though. Ever time he feels painfully uncomfortable with how to handle a situation, he can remember he has something to learn so he isn't that uncomfortable any longer. There are many people without metal disorders that will take advantage of people who have a hard time saying no. That is a sign of selfish, entitled thinking, not a symptom of a mental disorder imo. Set the boundaries and stick to them. You only have one life to live here on this earth. Live it for yourself and your immediate family instead of someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
Lucky_One Posted January 18, 2012 Share Posted January 18, 2012 I would guess that your brother must call or email or text or something in order to ask your H to leave home, drive to his place and then take him back. Suggest to your H that he simply not answer the phone or open the email. Another trick is to perpetually leave the car tank at Empty, and give your H no cash in his pocket. Every time you leave, you must stop and get 2 gallons of gas. He can honestly tell your brother that he can't come as he has no gas in the car and has no money; if your brother doesn't want to sit on the side of the road waving a red gas can, then he can put some fuel in the tank. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 18, 2012 Share Posted January 18, 2012 Stop providing philanthropic funding that you don't currently possess. Angry in-laws came to be something I would smile about. Revenge against the Hoovers Translated: Firm boundaries and expect people to be angry and manipulative. They'll go away once another nipple has been located. Link to post Share on other sites
Author setsenia Posted January 18, 2012 Author Share Posted January 18, 2012 Thanks all of you for the good advice. Lucky One and Carhill, I love your humorous take on the issue and it's totally true! Not answering the phone are texts is a good idea. My brother used to actually call EACH one of us until we answered. Finally he stopped doing it when he learned that we'll get back to him on our own time, especially if it's not important. My brother told me last night that "it's not about the money". My friend's take on that was that if it's "not about the money", he should have no problem paying for a cab! LOL! My dad is also just as bad as my brother and I blame him somewhat for that. My dad seems to think my husband is loaded with money, so he always makes these jokes. What pissed me off, is that on Christmas day, he asked my husband to go to the grocery store that was open and grab a food item for him that he wanted to serve for dinner. My husband did it, because he always does what he's told. When he left, I asked my dad if he compensated him for the item he wanted. His excuse was "Oh it's Christmas, you shouldn't be asking for money." First of all, it has nothing to do with Christmas and if you're asking someone to get you something that you want, using their own car and gas, you at least compensate them for what you want them to purchase, no matter what the amount is. Not only due to our financial situation and the fact that he has a large house with 3 roommates paying his entire mortgage and a 1/3rd of the bills, but it's inconsiderate. Link to post Share on other sites
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