Looking for Answers.. Is he cheating again? What's wrong with ME?

[ex_pookie]

Okay, I signed up with this community because I find myself searching for answers and no one to turn to. I am a mother of 2 toddlers (ages 1 and 2). My boyfriend (whom I live with, practically married, and the father of my kids) is a trucker. We are in our late 20's. He only drives short haul stuff now where he'd leave one night and be back the next night. Anyway.. since the birth of my children I have gained weight. I have scars from surgeries, and left over stretch marks. I am not obese by any means. I look pretty good actually... or so I thought.

 

I left him before, before my daughter was born. Because he got violent. But 8 1/2 months later I came back. One of my 'stipulations' on coming back was that he unsubscribes to these porn channels. Fine and dandy. Done. Now we will spat and argue, and mean and hurtful things are said, and then apologized for later. Whatever, I can deal with that. But... I came across our cable bill. And much to my surprise, we subscribe to Hustler and Playboy TV. Not to mention the numerous PPV porn movies that were ordered. For two months he has been keeping this from me. And looking back into those two months, he has slept on the couch more times than not (by choice), anytime I have to go do something, and I leave the children with him, when I come home they are in their room. No matter what time of day it is. When I walk into the Tv room, he is sitting there, remote in hand, and changes the channel right away. But I trusted him. Trusted that he was just "channel surfing", trusted that he just couldn't handle the kids, just trusted him..period. Then this cable bill. So I confronted him.

 

In a non-agressive matter I asked him if there is anything he wishes to tell me. NO. Okay, is there anything he may be keeping from me? NO. "Why what'd you find" ... That leads me to think there are more secrets. So I just out and asked him if he planned on telling me that we have subscribed to this smut for the last two months. He freaked out. He started yelling at me, telling me it was his house, he can do whatever he wants, he doesn't have to answer to anybody, I don't have any say on what goes on because I don't pay any bills. I am stupid. But he kept stressing that he is going to do whatever he wants, whenever he wants. He has cheated on me before. I think he's doing it again.

 

His work says he got home in the morning, but he doesn't show up at home til evening. And if I ask where he was, I get none of your f-ing business. He can do whatever he wants. He doesn't have to answer to me. Not now, not ever.

 

So this last time that he went to work, he packed up a huge dufflebag, took towels, clothes, his pool cue, a bunch of personal belongings, and left. I asked him why he needed all that stuff if he only goes on overnight trips, and he said so he can have a change of clothes, to go out.. wherever he wants to go. All the while leaving me sit at home with our two kids. Whom he didn't even say goodbye to.

 

I would like to keep my family together, but I just don't know what to do. I can't leave him, because I don't work, and I don't have anyone to watch my kids if I did work. Welfare supplies enough money to live in the downtown or rougher neighbourhoods, and I am truthfully scared to live there.

 

Also, when I asked him to get rid of it, and why he needed it... he said I don't look like they look. He needs to be sexually stimulated by these types of women. Our sex life consists of me performing oral sex on him, while his face is covered (so he doesn't have to look at ugly me?). There is no intimacy. There are no kisses, unless he is grabbing at my breasts ending in oral gratification for him. He says I am not fulfilling my "job" as his wife unless I am orally pleasuring him a few times a day. On top of which he masturbates at least 5 times a day.

 

I know he has porn in his truck, and I told him that I am not alright with it, but since I can't be there to fulfill his needs, I won't say anything about it. But at home? To put our babies in their room so he can jerk off? So he can stay in the tv room while I sleep in our bed alone, because he needs the stimulation of these...women ( i use the term loosely, pardon the pun)? but he says I am the problem here. That he would rather have these porno women, then me and the kids.

 

Once upon a time he was also addicted to the telephone personals, meeting random women, and doing the deed. He has received letters from the telephone personal companies in our area, and he has told me that they were just "junk mail" that he doesn't do that anymore. But they have HIS name on it, with an account, etc.

 

I need help. I need advice. I really don't know what to do, or even what to think at this point. I am scared, sad, hurt, angry...the list goes on, but I have no answers. If some of you could please shed some light for me it would be greatly appreciated!

[JustSoRight]

Ok here's the deal. This is a very unhealthy relationship and you know it.

 

I can only tell you this. You know you should leave, you deserve better than this and so do your kids. When you talk about welfare and trying to get a job, but having no one to watch your babies, I want you to call the welfare offices and put your name on a list for daycare assistance. Every state has a program for this. You will pay nothing or very little.

 

My best friend did this when she left her husband, also a bad relationship. She was able to get a job then she was also able to go to school part time. She and her kids are doing great.

 

I myself am leaving a bad marriage. I just got a job, and I have been putting aside almost all of my check into a savings account to save up for a car of my own, and a place to live with my kids. There are so many of us out there in your situation.

 

Do you have family that can help you out or support you in your decision, whatever that might be?

 

I think it's great you want to try to work things out, but honey, I just don't see this changing. If you don't mind playing second fiddle to porn. Can stand the degrading comments. The one sided sex life. The violent tendancies. The cheating (which puts you at risk). Your kids being neglected for porn. His lack of respect is deplorable.

 

Your kids and you deserve better. Your kids will grow up thinking this is acceptable behavior. It will affect their future relationships, and yours.

 

I know this might not help you, and might cause more questions then answers for you, but I do believe you need to think this through carefully. Whatever your decision, I hope it works for you, and you can have a happy, healthy future.

[disguy]

I agree with JustSoRight. You need to do everything you can to leave him. Find your local department of human services and get the help for daycare so that you can go out and do some job hunting. You might not have skills or such to get a very good job, but anything is better then being in the situation your in. Heck work at McDonalds if you have to. At least its a start. What your going through is physical and emotional abuse. No one deserves this. I feel bad for the your kids having to witness and live in that kind of environment. It might seem like too much work, but you need to start thinking about your future and the future of your kids. good luck