she "tested" me...how do i react?

[gozone77]

there's been two specific incidents with my wife in our two year marriage that i think lead to some more general issues i'd appreciate some input about.

 

the first deals with a shared email address. we've had our own separate addresses. she'd said for a while she wanted a shared one. at first, i didn't see the point, but then i told her to go ahead and do it. she didn't, but she kept talking about it and how i hadn't set up one up yet.

 

the second deals with looking for a new apartment, something she and her son both want for more space. i've told her i think it's not a good idea to sign a year lease given some of the issues we're having. she's really wanted that new apartment, though, and she's been pushing hard and trying to accommodate some of my other concerns (expenses, lifestyle, etc). there was a website with some good candidates that you have to sign up for to see the landlord contact info, and she said we should sign up. i had said i would look at apartments but told her to go ahead and sign up on that website. she hasn't, but she has kept asking why i haven't signed up yet.

 

note that in most things, i'm a pretty laid-back easygoing person. i'm also something of a procrastinator given then for most of my youth i "beat down doors" and pretty much burnt myself out. i often let "to do's" slide for a while. now if it's fun stuff for me like working on my, i'm usually more on top of it, but in general for stuff at home, i'm not overly inclined to just get on top of things. i often think some of our issues have something to do with that.

 

last night, my wife told me both of those situations have been "tests" to see if i will care about her and her son's needs/wants. she feels that i only care about myself.

 

do these sort of tests happen with most people? i feel like doing that is a little immature, but should i be looking at things deeper?

[Philosoraptor]

Ug this one just reads funny so clear it up if something doesn't make sense.

 

Does it seem like she has a tendency to "test" a lot? If not I'm not inclined to believe these were tests at all and that she is saying so because she is pissed. Neither of the two stand out to me as something that would give any sort of result that would confirm anything.

 

Yes tests happen and yes they are immature. If you have something to say then just say it.

 

She seems more upset at your lack of production and your tendency to procrastinate. She does seem a bit entitled though and has the expectation for you to lead the charge.

[Star Gazer]

The apartment thing doesn't sound like she created that situation as a test, as it sounds like she truly has been wanting more space and nudging you along to make that happen. You just keep sitting on it. You basically failed a test that only turned into a test after the fact.

 

Your third to last paragraph is quite telling. You say that you let "to do's" slide UNLESS it's something fun for YOU, but that you let your home life slide.

 

Thing is, you are MARRIED. Although not biologically yours, there's a child involved. You have a family. Your family's needs ought to be a priority to you. If your family needs more space, you need to work on making that happen before you do your "fun" stuff.

 

In short, you need to be less selfish and more of a partner and teammate.

[gozone77]

The apartment thing doesn't sound like she created that situation as a test, as it sounds like she truly has been wanting more space and nudging you along to make that happen. You just keep sitting on it. You basically failed a test that only turned into a test after the fact.

 

Your third to last paragraph is quite telling. You say that you let "to do's" slide UNLESS it's something fun for YOU, but that you let your home life slide.

 

Thing is, you are MARRIED. Although not biologically yours, there's a child involved. You have a family. Your family's needs ought to be a priority to you. If your family needs more space, you need to work on making that happen before you do your "fun" stuff.

 

In short, you need to be less selfish and more of a partner and teammate.

 

Very good thoughts. I think being less selfish and more of a teammate is my ideal.

 

The problem is that I consider her an angry, emotionally abusive, tempermental, and entitled woman. I honestly feel no desire to stick my neck out any more. She's told me she always gets what she wants.

 

I'm actually a little upset that she's talking about wanting a new apartment at the same time I'm trying to get her to understand I'm pretty much emotionally burnt out from walking on eggshells for so many years. I've been trying hard to be responsive and get her to just accept me, but I don't always do the "correct" thing, and there's always something about me she feels I should improve/change.

[gozone77]

Ug this one just reads funny so clear it up if something doesn't make sense.

 

Does it seem like she has a tendency to "test" a lot? If not I'm not inclined to believe these were tests at all and that she is saying so because she is pissed. Neither of the two stand out to me as something that would give any sort of result that would confirm anything.

 

Yes tests happen and yes they are immature. If you have something to say then just say it.

 

She seems more upset at your lack of production and your tendency to procrastinate. She does seem a bit entitled though and has the expectation for you to lead the charge.

 

I wonder...shouldn't I want to do all these things as a husband/partner? Isn't it a sign of some sorts that I don't?

 

My family and friends say I might be emotionally burnt out from years of arguments and drama.

 

These days, I often just want to be by myself and do my own thing. I know that sounds funny. I like people and wish I had friends.

[Philosoraptor]

Based on this new information:

 

If you want to keep trying then I would suggest couples counsiling and being fully open while there.

 

If you do not want to keep trying then don't fool yourself or use anything here to rationalize how you feel. If you want out you want out and that should be more than enough.

[Star Gazer]

Very good thoughts. I think being less selfish and more of a teammate is my ideal.

 

The problem is that I consider her an angry, emotionally abusive, tempermental, and entitled woman. I honestly feel no desire to stick my neck out any more. She's told me she always gets what she wants.

 

Obviously she DOESN'T always get what she wants. You've made that obvious.

 

I'd be angry and bitter too if my spouse only did things he considered "fun" and not things that benefited our family.

[2sunny]

Have you told her all of your concerns? Have you been completely honest with her?

 

IF you don't intend to sign up for a website or email - then simply tell her no. IF she wants it done - she can do that herself.

 

It's not really about the tests... But you already know that... Seems you both have work to do by being honest.

 

Does she work? Is she capable of doing things on her own if she wants something? If she is, she should do that.

 

When you don't intend to DO what she's asking - it's best just to say "nope"

[soserious1]

 

The problem is that I consider her an angry, emotionally abusive, tempermental, and entitled woman. I honestly feel no desire to stick my neck out any more. She's told me she always gets what she wants.

 

 

Then you need to sit her down in the safety of a marriage counselor's office & tell her this directly.

 

You are clearly unhappy in this marriage, instead of passively but aggressively dragging your feet to avoid doing what she wants, why not grow a pair & tell her you'd like a divorce?

[2sunny]

I just read some of your other threads...

 

The back ground of this relationship looks very abusive.

 

But there no abuse if one doesn't ALLOW it.

 

You have allowed this. IF you want it to stop - its time to change things. This is up to you to do the change.

 

Get a solid boundary and start allowing her to understand you aren't going to participate with her crappy behavior any longer!

 

If she doesn't stop being so intentionally mean - you need to leave!

 

Address the resentments with the counselor. Learn what YOU CAN DO to change the role you've played.

 

Every abuser seeks out their victim.

 

Stop being THAT victim.

 

Probably a familiar role you played growing up - so it was an easy role to choose as a spouse.

 

You can change the pattern.

 

Get honest. Work on changing everything!

[gozone77]

Have you told her all of your concerns? Have you been completely honest with her?

 

IF you don't intend to sign up for a website or email - then simply tell her no. IF she wants it done - she can do that herself.

 

It's not really about the tests... But you already know that... Seems you both have work to do by being honest.

 

Does she work? Is she capable of doing things on her own if she wants something? If she is, she should do that.

 

When you don't intend to DO what she's asking - it's best just to say "nope"

 

I have been working, through counseling, on respecting my needs/desires more and being more assertive with them (instead of just keeping inside). Through that, I've worked on better presenting my feelings to her - good or not.

 

It's been a little like coming out of a shell, and results have been slow with mixed results. I'm proud of telling her I wanted to go spend a few days with my brother, who I hadn't spent significant time with in about 10 years. I'm also quite proud of telling her I didn't think we should look a new lease since we might not last that year given some of our problems.

 

She does work and is very capable of making things happen on her own in all aspects except financial. She's just refused as she wants to see what I'll do. In most things, she's a go getter who'll knock down doors, so to speak, to get what she wants and dispose of those against her.

 

You're very right, and I've tried doing that but can do better. How I balance my feelings and being the giving, supportive husband still alludes me. Of course, it's not exactly a loving environment with all the conflict that goes on.

 

She doesn't believe in counseling but rather in making changes yourself.

 

Sounds like the best I can do is tell her when I will or won't do something along with why and then stick to that.

[gozone77]

I just read some of your other threads...

 

The back ground of this relationship looks very abusive.

 

But there no abuse if one doesn't ALLOW it.

 

You have allowed this. IF you want it to stop - its time to change things. This is up to you to do the change.

 

Get a solid boundary and start allowing her to understand you aren't going to participate with her crappy behavior any longer!

 

If she doesn't stop being so intentionally mean - you need to leave!

 

Address the resentments with the counselor. Learn what YOU CAN DO to change the role you've played.

 

Every abuser seeks out their victim.

 

Stop being THAT victim.

 

Probably a familiar role you played growing up - so it was an easy role to choose as a spouse.

 

You can change the pattern.

 

Get honest. Work on changing everything!

]

 

Thanks. I'm working on it! I try hard not to place blame on her, but I'm also learning that nothing I can do or not do justifies some actions on her part (and vice versa....).

[2sunny]

]

 

Thanks. I'm working on it! I try hard not to place blame on her, but I'm also learning that nothing I can do or not do justifies some actions on her part (and vice versa....).

 

She is who she is = the abuser.

 

Don't allow yourself to be her victim! That is what you CAN do.