Falling Inlove...

[MissBee]

On the board the discussion of the heart wanting what it wants and falling in love while you happen to be committed (happily or unhappily) elsewhere comes up frequently. The rhetoric that life isn't perfect and sometimes you fall inlove and meet your soulmate when married or otherwise involved is also prevalent.

 

I personally do not see that as the issue and read something last night that encapsulates the issue:

 

...the reality is that there are men who cheat and there are men who meet you when they have someone else, but the conscience and their morals won’t allow them to mess either one of you around, and they sort out their lives and take a chance on being with you.

 

I'd like to hear people's opinions about this: meeting your soulmate while otherwise committed, sorting your affairs and taking a risk versus cheating and juggling two lives.

Edited January 18, 2012 by MissBee

[Philosoraptor]

My thought is that if your heart begins to fall for another you need to do the right thing and end your current relationship. Everyone develops little crushes; but if you are planning a future with this person or having those deep feelings it is the mature path to end things before pursuing anything.

 

Sadly most people are too scared of rejection to do so and juggle instead. Why cut the cord with your current partner when things with the new girl might not work out?

[woinlove]

...the reality is that there are men who cheat and there are men who meet you when they have someone else, but the conscience and their morals won’t allow them to mess either one of you around, and they sort out their lives and take a chance on being with you.

 

I agree with this, and it doesn't just apply to men. I have never cheated and don't expect to ever cheat, but I've come to better understand the choice involved in cheating by viewing my involvement as an OW with hindsight. As an OW, I took a different perspective on my connection to other people in general and how I want to impact on others, which ultimately impacts on me. It can be conscience, morals, or just self-awareness combined with self-love and connection and compassion for others, that motivates some to strive to treat others with respect and integrity even when attraction, hormones, love, sex, etc are involved.

[carhill]

I'd like to hear people's opinions about this: meeting your soulmate while otherwise committed, sorting your affairs and taking a risk versus cheating and juggling two lives.

 

IMO, it depends on synergy, presuming 'chemistry' and all that other 'stuff' to be evident; compatible psychology and relationship styles.

 

I now look at relationship history as a canary, relevant to my own style. If the person has rarely been alone, prospects are poor IMO. Also, IME, this type of person is more likely to have an affair than someone who has had healthy relationships, even if ended, and processed those alone. All of my data points, both women I've loved and those I've been a 'therapist' to, and have voluntarily shared their affairs and relationship histories, share this one common trait. As they put it in their own words, 'I can't be alone'. I'm confident the same dynamic exits for men, perhaps couched in different words.

 

As commonly shared, people put on appearances, but time reveals all truths. Falling in love feels great but reality is where we live.

[carhill]

It sounds like 'falling in love' was the canary which indicated an unhealthy long M was a path best left to history. I've heard this from women who 'fell' for the emotional validation they received from myself and some did go on to end their unhealthy M's. To them, I was a signpost, nothing more. I'll get my teeth cleaned by one of them tomorrow morning. It is what it is.

 

I kind of had a similar experience (emotional validation/EA), and disclosed, entered MC, ultimately divorced and am alone. I felt 'used' at first, but further reflection has caused me to see the dynamic as a gift, as it prompted a period of 'cleansing' of the psyche. Space to put all the pieces together. For my 'style', that's healthy. Everyone is different, hence my mention of synergy prior. For myself and my EA partner, we had the 'connection' but not the style synergy to progress. A couple decades ago, the same EA continued simply because, by the MW remaining in the M, those styles never became fully experienced and realized. Great life lesson.

[Gentlegirl]

When I met my AP he was 67.

 

Although we would have dearly loved to be together.. it was just too late in both our lives .

 

It would meant a monumental upheaval for him and his world. He probably would have ended up hating me if it had eventuated.

 

Sooooo we parted and are still parted after 13 months I have no doubt that he loved me and still does to this day.

 

It was too late. If we had met sooner, it would have been totally different, without a doubt.

 

Cheers,

 

GG

 

Carhill... will you marry me after you get your teeth cleaned?

[carhill]

One more gold crown (that's tomorrow too) and I'm yours, shiny choppers and all.

 

I hope you are feeling better these days. Time has a way of healing and providing context. That said, it is odd to say 'I love 'no one' (in a romantic way). That's a side affect of being alone. Interesting experience, more pronounced than in the past, generally because I think the love for that past MW was always in the back of my mind.

 

If I ever again have doubts about the unhealthiness of 'falling in love' with an otherwise attached person, I now have a nice reminder of the healthy path sitting on my mantle. Reminders are good. Love is good, if only as a signpost.

[frozensprouts]

Heart on,

it sounds like you wanted to be honest with your ex husband and not cheat on im, so before you went down that path, you chose to end your marriage. You did this because you felt that even though you didn't love your husband as a wife should anymore, you felt that he still deserved honesty and respect. You seem to value those traits.

 

I think that is wonderful...

 

but what i don't understand is why you were willing to be with a man who didn't treat his wife with honesty and respect, but rather he showed his dishonesty and disdain. Heshowed none of the traits you admire.

[nofool4u]

Being that I wasn't looking to fall in love with someone outside of my marriage,but did for many reasons,and chose not to cheat on my spouse

 

Uh sorry, you told another forum that you in fact did mess around with another man, but didn't consider it cheating because you had justified it in your own mind.

 

You want to support your kind, more power to you. But quit lying so as to make yourself look like some sort of victim.

[Heather1]

I'd like to hear people's opinions about this: meeting your soulmate while otherwise committed, sorting your affairs and taking a risk versus cheating and juggling two lives.

 

I had been w/ my h for 20 yrs before my A & hadn't realized that the person who loves you & respects you most won't initiate a PA. Before my PA, I didn't realize this until a good friend got D & had a talk w/ me that he was not the kind of guy to not be w/out a woman & that pursuing a m'd woman wouldn't be the best idea for all involved. I didn't really know he was talking about "us" until years later when his brother said something to me that he'd mentioned if I was single, we'd be dating. Someone who truly loves you won't initiate a PA.

[Heather1]

Let me say that's my experience anyway...don't mean to rain on anyone's parade

[MissBee]

Being that I wasn't looking to fall in love with someone outside of my marriage,but did for many reasons,and chose not to cheat on my spouse,I outted myself to my H within a year of realizing I had feelings that wouldn't "go away" for the xMM I once loved.

 

I didn't act on them sexually until I was separated and heading for divorce over the truth.I may not have been sincerely loved by the xMM,but I knew one thing for sure.I was not in love with my spouse if I could feel the way I did about someone else.I owed it to my xH to inform him of my feelings.I was not going to deny my reality for anyone's sake.It was the right thing to do to give up one relationship before I opened myself up to another one.

 

I paid the full consequences for a PA I didn't even have before it happened.Judged,shamed,blamed for all.Alone raising 2 kids with a sH that was completely disgusted with me for ending our marriage.

Ultimately my xH thanked me for my honesty and moved out.

I had no promises or guarentee's from the MM but I knew right from wrong.Just because he played me for a fool and stayed with his wife after he had lead me on because he LACKED conscience and courage,didn't mean I didn't owe it to myself and my xH to be honest no matter what the consequences for me were.No matter how many times or ways I reminded him that his wife had the RIGHT to make informed choices.He disagreed.His motto was:

 

LIE AND DENY.

 

Mine was,Why lie?

 

Difference in our mentalities?

 

What I said, felt and did were sincere and from the heart.

What he said, felt and did were a con to garner sex,ego stroking and protection like ALL true narcissists.

 

 

 

 

I took a leap of faith and told my xH that I loved someone else without even talking to the xMM about my intentions.My feelings were more than enough to honor and my marriage had been "on the rocks' for years prior so I was already "out of love" when the xMM came into my life.

 

Problem being,I jumped into the most shallow pool of insincerity without realizing that all the xMM wanted was sex,secrecy and protection from any and all consequences.That's not what he lead me on with to get me to fall for him,that's for sure!

 

When I asked him to be honest,and at the very least,pay for at least HIS FAIR SHARE of the consequences,he said...."Look what being honest got you".

 

Built up and lead on and unceremoniously discarded,separated over the truth and ultimately Divorced,not to mention clinically depressed,by the man I risked it all on.The very one who made me think I was worth more than my verbally abusive,alcoholic xH ever did!

 

So yeah...............He was an insincere juggler without a care in the world about honesty,truth or consequences.They somehow make you think that just because they lie to thier wives,they are honest with you.For the most part,I think he was honest....just too afraid to follow thru for fear of losing his IMAGE as a GOOD GUY.He was bad to the core behind your back,but damn if he didn't have that front of KIND, CARING AND SEXY down pat!

 

I fell for the lie and finally figured why would he be honest with me if he wasn't honest with her.

 

What he said to me way late in the "game" was.....

 

I don't take ANYTHING seriously,I am wired wrong,I'm an a s s h O le ,and you should be relieved I didn't "choose" you.

 

I am.But then, I wished I was dead from the humiliation that my honesty and his lies got me.

 

So yeah.....honesty only works if BOTH people mean what they say,say what they mean and have the same size balls to follow thier hearts.

 

I asked him what he learned after all the pain I suffered thru alone.

 

He said,"Don't start things before you end others first."

 

The irony to this story is that we never even f*cked.Classic.

 

 

Thanks for sharing Heart.

 

You did the right thing by admitting the truth to your H. It didn't work out rosy and that is most people's fear. I commend your bravery and honesty.

 

I think at the point where he wanted to lie and deny, should have clued you in on what to expect from him. Which is my stance. ALL of us are faced with difficulties, temptation etc but how do we react? Lie and deny and cheat or choose to acknowledge the situation and make less selfish or cowardly choices? I think people in As are faced with the real problem of witnessing unscrupulous behavior and determining how to view it...most often of course it comes down to "Well that's not their character,...they are only doing it because they are confused/our great love/kids etc" In other words, behavior we find unacceptable if done to us, we can spin differently when it comes on to our AP and our "situation".

 

I realized my former AP showed me who he was....I didn't believe, even after I got over him, I wanted to believe he was noble...then I realized a few weeks ago as we tried to be friends that he isn't...at all. I do believe you can havge a poor relationship and like others...if you fall inlove though, you put yourselfg into the situation. As how can you fall inlove without spending quality time with someone? Even so....when faced with the realization that you're not committed to your marriage/relationship: what do you do there after? Learning from my experience and what I value in people....I CANNOT invest in a man who is going to make-believe invest in me while deceiving another. I know some women overlook it but for me....give me the man who can control himself and will pause and decide not to drag me, his wife, himself, his kids into a scandal. At the end of the day I'd sleep a lot better and feel more proud to have a man who I WITNESSED doing the right thing than one whose lies and deceit I saw firsthand. Even for me, I had to admit some of what I knew and saw my former AP do...there would be NO WAY I could trust him fully.

Edited January 19, 2012 by MissBee