setsenia Posted January 18, 2012 Share Posted January 18, 2012 So, noting the title, does anyone else here, especially ladies, have a parent who just can't stand your partner or spouse? If so, how do you cope? My husband and I have been together nearly 6 years, married for almost 4. My dad has never really taken a liking to my husband and he's constantly putting him down by making remarks about him. My dad for a fact has narcissism and ADD, so I try to take his comments with a grain of salt. My husband and I each had baggage when we met, but my dad is not accepting of anyone. He doesn't like my brother's fiance either. He initially didn't like her because he can't stand people who are overweight, god forbid. He focuses on every negative trait about someone. I know I got married at 19 and he was understandably not happy about it, but he handled it in a very immature way. Left the wedding reception early, crashed the wedding upstairs and got drunk. We've been married 4 years now and he still makes remarks about how I should have waited to get married, that I can do better. He tells me and my brother that we "are shacking up with the first person who puts up with us". This is spoken from a man who goes through relationships like water and will never be happy. He actually wanted me to go through several relationships before I marry someone. I don't know many fathers who encourage promiscuity in their daughters. He would also make comments like my husband would only go to school because of me and talk about our 6 year age difference when his last wife was 20 years younger than him and had the nerve to tell us to call her "mom". In short, my father has a lot of serious issues. He thinks to be considered a man that you have to love football and sports and you have to be big and buff. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 18, 2012 Share Posted January 18, 2012 I think my mother had her doubts about my exW but she kept them to herself before becoming mentally ill. After, the filters came off and results weren't pretty. I supported my then wife and processed the 'stuff' as part of the disease. Unfortunately, my exW was unable to do that and the issue ended up contributing to the demise of the M. I really don't know what I could have done differently, given the circumstances. My opinion is that, as a man, when I marry, I cleave to my wife. I love my parents but my wife is my primary relationship and I expect anyone in my life to respect and honor that. If not, they go. This is not an issue, as my parents are now dead, but the fundamental philosophy that they taught me remains. Link to post Share on other sites
gozone77 Posted January 18, 2012 Share Posted January 18, 2012 My parents do not at all like my wife. They've gotten more supportive as years have gone by and especially after we got married, but when pressed, it's clear they don't think much of her as a life-partner for me. I agree with what was said above about the marriage being the primary relationship, however. You have to be happy with your husband and that's it. Everyone else has to accept him (although they can offer help/advice if you ask for it). It sounds like your father has some issues of his own that merely happen to affect your husband. It doesn't sound like it'd matter who your husband is. I'd focus on your father's issues and not worry too much about his feelings about your husband. If you can't stand what your father is saying, you can always just not be around him as often. Link to post Share on other sites
Eve Posted January 19, 2012 Share Posted January 19, 2012 Seen it both ways. I have seen parents who are quite unreasonable and cannot accept any partner being good enough for their child. I have also seen parents who have pointed out flaws which did in the end destroy a relationship... but they were ignored. I know my mother in law warned my Hubby about his first wife and she was right about her. Much of this is is clear in hindsight. Personally I will state what I like and don't like about my childrens partners and my kids often agree! Assessing flaws is a big deal only if you consider you don't have any yourself... I suppose this is where the very dramatic diagnosis of the person being a narcissist stems from within this thread. I will stand on the side of being cautious about such a casual use of such a serious term. Take care, Eve x Link to post Share on other sites
Author setsenia Posted January 19, 2012 Author Share Posted January 19, 2012 My opinion is that, as a man, when I marry, I cleave to my wife. I love my parents but my wife is my primary relationship and I expect anyone in my life to respect and honor that. If not, they go. This is not an issue, as my parents are now dead, but the fundamental philosophy that they taught me remains. Definitely agree with this sentiment! When my husband and I first got together, his mom didn't include me in anything. (Although I didn't feel as bad later when I realized how horribly she treated her own son.) I went out of my way to get time off work to go to their vow renewal ceremony (mom and stepdad). I was the only one left out of the pictures. I wasn't even in the "guest" shots. My husband was infuriated at the time, even though we weren't married yet, I had gone out of my way to be there, the least she could have done was include me in the guest photos. When we got married later, she went way out of her way after my husband got upset with her for not including me in things. And I actually believe she cared...until they disowned us over facebook comments. Sometimes I would receive a gift from her on my birthday and sometimes not. Now we want nothing to do with them! It's no loss for my husband as his dad who raised him passed away when he was 16 and his mom and stepdad never made an effort to be active in his life. His stepdad for whatever reason claimed to be "done" with us for no reason. Oh well, I'm glad those people are out of my life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author setsenia Posted January 19, 2012 Author Share Posted January 19, 2012 I also definitely agree parents should point out something potentially harmful about a spouse if their child doesn't realize it. It's a long story about my brother's fiance, but she is a drama queen and can be a liar, so she's not exactly trustworthy. My brother didn't really want to pay attention to this, so my mom tried to get him to see it, but then again, you can only do so much. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted January 19, 2012 Share Posted January 19, 2012 My mother considers my wife to be a stepford slave to the patriachy but my father loves her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author setsenia Posted January 19, 2012 Author Share Posted January 19, 2012 Oh wow, that is the same for me, but the reverse. My dad dislikes my husband, but my mom loves him and thinks I lucked out! Link to post Share on other sites
andwilson90 Posted February 22, 2012 Share Posted February 22, 2012 So, noting the title, does anyone else here, especially ladies, have a parent who just can't stand your partner or spouse? If so, how do you cope? My husband and I have been together nearly 6 years, married for almost 4. My dad has never really taken a liking to my husband and he's constantly putting him down by making remarks about him. My dad for a fact has narcissism and ADD, so I try to take his comments with a grain of salt. My husband and I each had baggage when we met, but my dad is not accepting of anyone. He doesn't like my brother's fiance either. He initially didn't like her because he can't stand people who are overweight, god forbid. He focuses on every negative trait about someone. I know I got married at 19 and he was understandably not happy about it, but he handled it in a very immature way. Left the wedding reception early, crashed the wedding upstairs and got drunk. We've been married 4 years now and he still makes remarks about how I should have waited to get married, that I can do better. He tells me and my brother that we "are shacking up with the first person who puts up with us". This is spoken from a man who goes through relationships like water and will never be happy. He actually wanted me to go through several relationships before I marry someone. I don't know many fathers who encourage promiscuity in their daughters. He would also make comments like my husband would only go to school because of me and talk about our 6 year age difference when his last wife was 20 years younger than him and had the nerve to tell us to call her "mom". In short, my father has a lot of serious issues. He thinks to be considered a man that you have to love football and sports and you have to be big and buff. You should make your father impress through your husband's good behavior and make your father feel proud. Make him noticed about good things in your husband. Somehow, this would help you, but would take long time. You should also make your spouse a good husband so that he would be liked by everyone in your house. Link to post Share on other sites
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