MillyRad Posted January 19, 2012 Share Posted January 19, 2012 One of the bands I'm in is has a show coming up. My band mates are dear friends of mine, but I haven't really told them much about what's happened between a certain male friend and I (I guess, see my previous thread in the friendship forum). They know the guy, but not very well. It's not that I don't want to tell them, it's more that I don't want to seem like a gossip or like I'm trying to stir up drama- I believe in the adage, "You can tell more a about a person by what he says about others than by what he says about himself." Anyways, there's a show coming up and my band mates are wanting to have my male friend play a part in it. Ideally, I'd like for him to not be involved in the show. I have very few activities outside of stay-at-home-parenting, and I'd like to have fun, not worry about what passive-aggressive nonsense my male friend and his girlfriend are going to try to pull. But I also want my band mates to have the show the way they want it to be. I'm passive-passive and trying to learn to be more assertive. Is this an appropriate situation in which to assert my preference for my male friend to be excluded (he hasn't been asked yet, my band mates have just been discussing it, and our band is just for fun, not for profit) or do I just need to suck it up and be "professional"? Link to post Share on other sites
Lucky_One Posted January 20, 2012 Share Posted January 20, 2012 The band mates are guys? Then they probably don't care much about drama anyway. Just tell them that you don't want XBF to be involved, because his GF is a bitch and she doesn't like the two of you to be together. They will respect a short, simple solution, and if they push for XBF to be a part over your plainly stated wishes, then you will have other problems to worry about. Guys usually don't ask for details; girls tend to want to give them ad nauseum. Just keep it short and sweet, and they will appreciate it. No examples, no discussing of hurt feelings, no emotional dissections. Just say No, tell them the short version of why, and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MillyRad Posted February 11, 2012 Author Share Posted February 11, 2012 Here's a little update, I guess: I did talk to my band mates about my male friend and his behavior. They mentioned again that they wanted to have him perform in the upcoming show and wondered if I could coax him into doing it if he was still undecided. I told them that I didn't really have any pull with him anymore since his girlfriend hates my guts. They, of course, asked why she would hate me and i went off on a bit of a venting session about it. My bandmates were a little surprised to hear about some of the things he'd done, but know he's definitely a drama queen. They made some really funny comments and we all did some laughing. It felt absolutely AWESOME! It was so validating to hear that the way he had been behaving was ridiculous and that I wasn't crazy and it felt great to start be able to see some humor in a situation that's been upsetting to me for a long time. My bandmates were wonderfully supportive and told me that if I were uncomfortable with my male friend being there, that they wouldn't ask him to be in the show. I thought about it briefly and told them that he does a good job as a performer, so they should ask him. It felt empowering to know that if he did decide to start being a jerk, that I could talk to friends about it instead of suffering silently and, worse case scenario, if he got totally out of line, I could "fire" him. I'm super non-confrontational, so a firing is NOT something likely to happen, but it's good to feel like I now have some control over the situation.* Link to post Share on other sites
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