Mr Spock Posted June 2, 2004 Share Posted June 2, 2004 Right, so I'm back where I started with MM. It drives me crazy-I want better than this-I DESERVE better than this-I'd like to be able to tell him it's over-I'd like to be able to tell him I've developed feelings for him-but see I've got this stupid little fantasy in my head where he reciprocates. Which won't happen. Should I work up the courage to tell him that I have fallen in love with his stupid ass or keep my dignity and just break it off without telling, driving myself crazy in the process. I don't need 'OW' empowerment-I just want to be able to shut MM out of my heart!! Part of me wonders "what can it hurt? I'm sure he's quite aware" and the other part says "No!! you FOOL!! Never let a man know you care...." Is it suicide for a woman to let an affair know she has feelings? Remember, a big part of my current sanity rests on this "relationship"-I would like opinions on how to end it as well as how to express my feelings so I won't get rejected so badly I'll be unable to express human emotion again. Help please. Even OW have feelings too. Link to post Share on other sites
uriel Posted June 2, 2004 Share Posted June 2, 2004 If a big part of your sanity rests on this crazy relationship with a married man, you need to get counseling -- as soon as possible. You need someone who's calm, objective, and caring to help you sort this out -- especially why you got involved in this in the first place. As many OW can tell you (I've not been one myself), even if he did confess feelings for you, it wouldn't likely turn into anything. The wife, and his other life, would continue to come first. Only a selfish man cheats on his wife (without seeking to leave her and recommit to another relationship, to make things right because they're wrong at home and going somewhere else). Remember that. He's got to care about his own feelings before all others at some level to do what he's doing. So, don't expect him to change that for you. It's in his nature. Should you confess your love? It will make you feel more vulnerable to him. If he breaks things off or continues to use you, you'll feel even worse. In this case, I think it's better to let him speak first -- that is, if you're going to stay in this mess. I don't think you should. -- uriel Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mr Spock Posted June 2, 2004 Author Share Posted June 2, 2004 Ok, well maybe not my "sanity" but I have substantial feelings for this guy and it would just crush my heart. More like my emotional sanity. Part of me thinks telling him how I feel is a good idea because that part carries hope that it will be reciprocated. I just want him to FEEL the same way. The other, realistic part thinks that breaking it off with him and offering no explanation is pretty much all he deserves. But then again I wouldn't like that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mr Spock Posted June 2, 2004 Author Share Posted June 2, 2004 And, how should I break it off? I would like to do it in person. Emails that are sent saying "We need to talk" aren't received well in general....by anyone. This guy is "big fish, little pond"-knows alot of people, active in alot of stuff. Link to post Share on other sites
uriel Posted June 2, 2004 Share Posted June 2, 2004 You're not looking for advice. You're trying to work up the courage to tell him you love him and the strength to leave him if he doesn't feel the same way. If you're going to do it, just do it and get it over with. The lingering is more harmful to you than the action. Let me just ask you one question: Do you think he's laying in bed nights or sitting up in his living room twisting inside over you? Doubt it. Very common for older, successful men to look for younger women with sexy bodies and admiring dispositions to have affairs with. Makes him feel young, virile, charged up. Most of the time, that's what it is for them -- nothing more. You should anticipate that this is the most likely explanation for what he's feeling. That way, you'll soften the blow if / when it comes. -- uriel Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mr Spock Posted June 2, 2004 Author Share Posted June 2, 2004 Thanks Uriel. I guess that is what I'm looking for-the sooner the better I suppose. Because I don't think he's torturing himself over it. I'm an exciting diversion, and nothing more-and I deserve much better. Thanks for assuming I've got a sexy body!! That made my day!! It's sexy under the extra 30 pounds. But about 100 times sexier than what he's married too. I feel so much better. I can't wait to dump his ass after I tell him I've fallen in love with him. "I've fallen in Love with you. I can't see you anymore. You're a cretin and I deserve better" Link to post Share on other sites
leilab Posted June 2, 2004 Share Posted June 2, 2004 If he has not told you how he feels about you, chances are he is content with the situation. Obviously you are not - here is my advice: You break up with him - that puts you in the power position and makes it easier on you. It also puts him in a weaker position because he will have to deal with rejection; and may even make him want you more or come to realization what you mean to him - or propel him into action. Don't get your hopes up too much - the odds are not in your favor. But this is the best choice overall. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mr Spock Posted June 2, 2004 Author Share Posted June 2, 2004 I am beginning to think so too. I just want to know if it's better for me to keep silent about my feelings or tell him. I'd like to keep as much dignity as I can, but then sometimes I have this overwhelming urge to let him know how I feel!! It's then that I feel like I'm losing my grip on sanity!!! I actually have to stop and remind myself that I am awesome and I am in charge even if I don't feel like it at the moment. And am I just furthering my little fantasy of reciprocation by wanting to tell him? I think I am. But, at least I can recognize it and deal. Link to post Share on other sites
kiababy Posted June 2, 2004 Share Posted June 2, 2004 Are you really going to tell him? That you love him and it's over? Or are you just mulling it over in your mind? I wrote a good-bye/I love you letter today...but I tore it up. I'll never send it. But it felt sooooooo good to write it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mr Spock Posted June 2, 2004 Author Share Posted June 2, 2004 I hope I will. It's gone on too long-speaking from purely my point of view-as I have feelings for him where I'm pretty sure he has nothing for me but sexual attraction. If my feelings had not been involved I may have been able to continue with it. I"m just looking for a way to keep my sanity and dignity while my heart gets stomped on that's all I suppose. I accept the fact that I will hurt either way. I'd just like to minimize it-that's why I'm uncertain if telling him I have feelings will only make me look like an ass. Link to post Share on other sites
kiababy Posted June 3, 2004 Share Posted June 3, 2004 I think you're awesome - you're ready to tell him it's over, and you have accepted the inevitable pain it will cause you. You have the support of all the OW who wish we had the courage to do just that. But...please don't tell him you love him. It won't change his feelings either way - right now you have the upper hand , he doesn't deserve to know what your feelings are. And I bet a few months after you break it off you'll look back on it and be happy you didn't say it Big hugs! Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts