Wanting them back??

[NicoleM]

Okay first off let me clarify I do not want my ex back by any means but sometimes do you ever get this feeling I want them back even though they pretty much destroyed your self esteem, trust, etc. I have no intentions of ever going back to my ex but why do I have this feeling where I want them back? Am I going crazy or this normal?

[EyeAlone]

100% normal.

 

When I find myself having thoughts of wanting him back, I have to ask myself, "Is it him that I want, or is it the familiarity of a relationship that I miss?" When I'm completely honest with myself, it's usually the latter. Sure, I want my ex, but not the version of my ex who completely disrespected me throughout the entire relationship and didn't give a sh*t about my feelings. No, I want the ex who I saw with rose-tinted glasses. Alas, that ex does not exist nor did he really ever exist.

 

A lot of times I think we confuse wanting our ex when we are actually missing the comfort/love/trust/loyalty/respect that we thought we had in our relationships. I'm not saying that we never want our exes. But there comes a point, where I believe you are at right now, when we come to terms that our exes weren't good for us but we still want what we thought they gave us in the relationship.

[smudge21]

We all build up a fantasy of what our ex was, rather than what they were really like. We only see the good for such a long time after a split, that it's hard to remember the hurt they caused. So we want this perfect person back in our lives but in reality, it's not them we want, but how they made us feel about ourselves.

 

In every relationship we change ourselves in some way and we feel so good when we're in love, and receiving that love back. When it all ends, it's hard to return to the way you were before, in fact it's often the case we can't even imagine being that person ever again. The idea of being happy without the ex in our lives. So it's easy to link those great feelings to this person who's now no longer around, and in return we therefore want them back as we want to feel that way again.

 

In reality, they weren't the cause of our happiness. They were a catalyst to it, but it was us that made us feel the way we did, and therefore we can do it again, but only after we no longer feel the way we do over an ex. If you still have feelings of wanting them back, in any way, then you do still have some feelings hidden away there. Only once the emotional bond is broken 100% will you no longer want them.

[Renard99]

It's totally normal as those above have said.

 

I've been going through it myself.

 

It's been exactly a year since my ex dumped me and in that time I've made new friends, been travelling and concentrated on hobbies that I neglected whilst with my ex. Because of all of this I gradually thought about my ex less and less until I got to the point where I didn't care........ Yet, here we are a few months later and all of a sudden she pops into my head, out of no where, and I suddenly feel like I want her back. However, like you, I no longer want her back. I was the one making the effort and getting little in return, but because it was working I was letting love blind me to this.

 

It's the echo of the relationship that we're hearing, not the echo of the person. The problem is that the person does represent the relationship, which is why we focus on them.

 

The feelings will pass as long as you don't give in to those feelings and begin to genuinely feel that you want them back.

[Exit]

This is currently where I am stuck at in my healing. If I could get to the point where I can honestly say I wouldn't take her back, I'd be golden. I could still love her, still miss her, still think about her, but if I could at least make that step to put a stop to the fantasies about reconciling, and accept that she isn't any good for me, the rest of the healing process would be easy. But when I think things like "if I get a text or an email, I'm going to ignore it", I feel like I'm lying at this point. I'd probably give in. But (un)luckily she doesn't seem to have any interest in talking.

 

Like the posts above, I'm sure I miss the comfort of the relationship, the ideal version of her that never really existed, etc. Of course I don't miss the icy cold silence that made me feel like less than dirt and her constant lying, but we tend not to think about those things.

[NicoleM]

I sure miss the person I thought existed ( like some of you mentioned) When we first started dating he was perfect in every way! He would send sweet texts asking how my day was how he couldn't wait until he got off work to see me and giving me flowers when I saw him. He would say things like I am so thankful I have you in my life. Further down the road (2-3 months later) he slowly showed his real self. He became this self-centered jerk who thought everything was an insult to him or pout because he didn't get his way. One day he asked me to do S&M and I was really uncomfortable but I gave it a try anyways just so I could say I did it. I didn't like it at all and pretty soon he was trying it every chance he got and when I said I didn't like it he would pout and wouldn't talk to me for the rest of the night. Really? Immature! He would belittle me and say Nicole you are starting to gain weight in your stomach and arms I see jiggling. I was hardly fat but he would belittle me and say mean things. He would belittle me and say how I never ever try S&M anymore and I could at least try again ( what part of no don't you understand?) One day he broke up with me and a month later he decided to rub his new GF in my face and say Carla has a perfect job a perfect house and she is great. She is a vet's assistant where you are stuck behind a desk answering phones and you live in a crappy apartment where she lives in a nice house with nice furniture and doesn't have to worry about upseting her old neighbor next door. I wanted to say so badly your life isn't exactly perfect either. You still live with your uncle and you are using this person as a security blanket to make your life better when in reality the only person who will make your life better is you not this girl who has the perfect job the perfect house and will take care of you because you cannot take care of yourself otherwise you wouldn't be living with your uncle after 30 years and would live in a apartment like an adult. Sorry I ranted......lol

 

I just miss the person I thought I knew and how I suppose he painted this whole facade and tricked me into thinking he was a decent mature person when in reality he never was and I bet he will do the exact same thing to his new girlfriend.

[Thieves]

Okay first off let me clarify I do not want my ex back by any means but sometimes do you ever get this feeling I want them back even though they pretty much destroyed your self esteem, trust, etc. I have no intentions of ever going back to my ex but why do I have this feeling where I want them back? Am I going crazy or this normal?

 

If you're going crazy because of this, Nicole, then honestly? We must all be going ****ing out of our minds on these boards.

 

All kidding aside, trust me when I say that what you're feeling is quite normal, as we all feel that from time to time -- even those who have long moved on from the heartbreak of their ex. I believe more than anything, it comes down to missing that familiarity, missing not only the presence of an ex that used to grant us so much happiness, but also missing the friendship part of the relationship, too. I'm sure at some point many of the people here would have considered their ex-boyfriends and girlfriends to be one of their best friends as well as their lover, or soulmate. So understandably, when all of that is suddenly taken from you in a flash, sometimes you're bound to miss the days before it was all over for good.

 

However, it's important to distinguish between missing something you had before it ended -- which, most likely, was for good reasons -- and missing them. Always keep that in mind, as it's easy to become nostalgic for the person your ex was or the person you believed they were. I just recently posted a little while ago in my own coping journal about yearning to be friends with my ex, which was strange, because I would've never wanted that months ago. I know that what I miss the most is probably having that 'somebody' close to me who I could go to and talk to almost every day, not just in a romantic way but in a friendly way, too. I miss the comfort I used to have in that, but I realize that the outcome happened how it did because of various things that were going wrong. I was going to get hurt either way, in the end. That doesn't mean I can't still treasure the times when things weren't sh*t, though.

 

So if you can keep that in your head and know that you moved on for the best, then what you're feeling is competely normal...

Edited January 20, 2012 by Thieves

[RecordProducer]

Okay first off let me clarify I do not want my ex back by any means but sometimes do you ever get this feeling I want them back even though they pretty much destroyed your self esteem, trust, etc. I have no intentions of ever going back to my ex but why do I have this feeling where I want them back? Am I going crazy or this normal?

Especially when they destroy our self-esteem,we want to see them crawling back on their knees - so we can kick them in the jaws! This is normal.

[NicoleM]

I would love him to crawl back on his knees and I would do what he did. I would belittle him and say you are fat, lazy, and still living with your uncle who's the pathetic one now and then I would kick him in the face. I wish I could be mean but I am a better person unlike my ex I would never intentionally hurt someone unlike him where he totally hurt me ( not physically) mentally.

[melenkurion]

It's over a year since the breakup for me, and yes, sometimes I want to be plugged back into the matrix. I had my last such wobble a couple of weeks before Christmas. The moments get less frequent as time passes.

[RecordProducer]

I would love him to crawl back on his knees and I would do what he did. I would belittle him and say you are fat, lazy, and still living with your uncle who's the pathetic one now and then I would kick him in the face. I wish I could be mean but I am a better person unlike my ex I would never intentionally hurt someone unlike him where he totally hurt me ( not physically) mentally.

Why is it so hard for us to accept that they just didn't love us because we're better people that thye are and we're better off without them? Instead of wanting revenge.

[stillafool]

I truly feel for all of you. Been there myself, but I have to say if you are having feelings that you want them back, you are not over them. Stop fooling yourselves. If you have thought about how they treated you and you still have feelings of wanting them again you are just not over them.

[ffw]

Why is it so hard for us to accept that they just didn't love us because we're better people that thye are and we're better off without them? Instead of wanting revenge.

 

I dont understand this concept if someone doesn't want to be with us, it doesn't make us the better one's. It's they choice for good or worse.

[Exit]

I think there's another distinction to be drawn here. When we say we want our ex's back, I'm not sure if most of us aren't just desiring the act of them wanting to come back, and don't really mean that we would like to re-engage in a relationship with them. Looking at some of the posts above where people say "I want him to come back so I can do the same thing to him", that's exactly what I'm referring to. We don't want the relationship back. What we want, is the satisfaction, and the confidence boost, of just seeing that these people want to come back, or are at least questioning their decision. I actually said this to myself during one of the other times me and my ex were broken up, I was honestly admitting to people "I'm not sure if I want her back or I just want the satisfaction of seeing it happen". I think many times we choose to phrase it as "we want them back" when it might not really be what we mean.

[TaraMaiden]

Basically, people want to go back in time, and knowing what they know now, have the chance to either do it to them (the dumpers), or handle it differently.

 

We have the benefit of hindsight to be able to re-evaluate the situation and the incidents surrounding the split-up, and wish that we could replay it all, and use our pride and dignity to a) get the upper hand, and b)play it in a way they wouldn't be expecting.

 

But first, they have to come back of their own accord....

[ffw]

Basically, people want to go back in time, and knowing what they know now, have the chance to either do it to them (the dumpers), or handle it differently.

 

Wow, I dont have words to describe how absurd these concepts sounds. The first shows insecurity & felling down to lower levels than the dumper itself. The second one shows failing of understanding the concept of "learning from mistakes".

Edited January 20, 2012 by ffw

[TaraMaiden]

I completely agree; I'm not saying the concepts are logical, valid or sensible. 'Absurd' is a good word.....

In fact, it's a huge stumbling-block to moving on....

 

Dr. Phil made his millions from it.....

[RecordProducer]

I dont understand this concept if someone doesn't want to be with us, it doesn't make us the better one's. It's they choice for good or worse.

It doesn't make us the better ones, but in this case, we are the better ones. Read OP's post: he was abusive, and yet she could never hurt him purposefully. He destroyed her self-esteem. Sounds to me like he's a petty piece of shyt.

 

Nicole, your best revenge is to ignore this scumbag. Let him see he's a nobody in your life. Don't ever show interest in anyting he does. Anyone who finds pleasure in mentally/emotionally abusing his partner and destroying her self-esteem is a loser. He is going to do this to every woman because he is one miserable SOB who will never be happy, no matter what. One thing you can afford to lose in life is a loser.

[RecordProducer]

Wow, I dont have words to describe how absurd these concepts sounds. The first shows insecurity & felling down to lower levels than the dumper itself. The second one shows failing of understanding the concept of "learning from mistakes".

What's wrong with the second concept? Or do we have to apply our knowledge on the next partner for it to constitute learning from mistakes? I think it's more noble to wish to never have made a mistake than to say "F it, I learned something, so all is cool."

 

In my case, I don't regret anything because had I not made my mistakes, I would've never found out what an as*hole my ex was. My mistakes were in my over-reactions to my ex's crap. The only thing that I could've done differently that would have saved the marriage would be to put up with his crap with a smile. That means to suffer silently. It's not my nature.

[Exit]

Maybe people are misinterpreting my last reply. I was not saying these desires for revenge or wanting someone to come back just for the ego boost is a good or healthy thing. It's not. I was simply addressing that I think we misinterpret the yearning we feel to go back in time and keep our eyes open wide enough to protect ourselves from what's about to happen in the breakup, or the yearning for this person to make contact just so we can feel like we are somewhat desirable, and we instead think we are craving the relationship we had with this person. Sure, some of it is chalked up to missing the comfort and familiarity of the relationship we had, and we do miss that. But many times you see people saying they want someone back, just to let it slip later on when they admit "I wish I could do it to them" or "I just want them to call so I can ignore it".

 

These aren't healthy or mature ways to think about it, but if we at least realize that's what we really want, and not that we really want another relationship with this person, it might be easier to let go.

[ffw]

What's wrong with the second concept? Or do we have to apply our knowledge on the next partner for it to constitute learning from mistakes? I think it's more noble to wish to never have made a mistake than to say "F it, I learned something, so all is cool."

 

In my case, I don't regret anything because had I not made my mistakes, I would've never found out what an as*hole my ex was. My mistakes were in my over-reactions to my ex's crap. The only thing that I could've done differently that would have saved the marriage would be to put up with his crap with a smile. That means to suffer silently. It's not my nature.

 

Ofcourse, it will be very wiseable to be intellectual enough to never make a mistake. But we do none the less. When a relationship fails it will be fault of both whether one excepts it or not.

 

Even going blinded at the fault of others or supressing the fellings for the sake of continuing the relationship are not heathly signs.

[NicoleM]

I would never want revenge. It never ever solves anything. Sure I want to tell his new girlfriend what a pathetic liar and how he destroyed me and how he is just using her but would it solve anything? No it wouldn't. My sister and cousin say I should get back on that horse and find someone else but IMHO I need to get better and gain back the self-confidence he destroyed. I just kept crying thinking about how he called me up and had to rub the salt into my wounds and saying how perfect his new girlfriend is and how perfect she does this etc,etc what a great job she has. It really,really hurt my feelings because what was I nothing? I was there for him when he had bad days I was there for him when he was sick and took care of him and I was there for him when he was strapped for cash and couldn't pay his cell phone bill I helped him and now suddenly his girlfriend is perfect? My self-confidence really went down on that one:( I started to think I was the loser but in reality the more I thought about he is the loser not me.

Edited January 20, 2012 by NicoleM

[RecordProducer]

I just kept crying thinking about how he called me up and had to rub the salt into my wounds and saying how perfect his new girlfriend is and how perfect she does this etc,etc what a great job she has.

Really?????? That's so weird. Can you tell me more about how he came about to tellyou that stuff and what the background of it is, because I have a theory on why he's doing it.

 

It really,really hurt my feelings because what was I nothing? I was there for him when he had bad days I was there for him when he was sick and took care of him and I was there for him when he was strapped for cash and couldn't pay his cell phone bill I helped him and now suddenly his girlfriend is perfect? My self-confidence really went down on that one:( I started to think I was the loser but in reality the more I thought about he is the loser not me.

 

He wants a woman to take care of him, to support him. And rubbing in your face how great the new partner is, usually women do that. Do you realize he was just trying to hurt you because he still has feelings for you?

[NicoleM]

It was one evening two or three weeks after our break-up he called and asked me how I was doing ( should of hung up) I said work is busy and I am keeping myself busy. He went on to tell me how work was going for him and then he started telling me about his girlfriend and how perfect she is. He didn't exactly say the words perfect he just said how wonderful her job is how she is a vet's assistant and how big her house is and she can afford so many things blah,blah,blah. Why he felt the need to tell me all this I do not know it made me feel really small because I admit my job isn't the most glamorous and my apartment isn't the greatest but it works for me.Why do you think he was doing this? I do not think he has feelings for me because if he did he wouldn't of moved on so quickly after breaking up and it was not a rebound because I later found out he was talking to her way before we even officially broke up. The new girlfriend has a house where he can loaf whenever he wants whereas I have an apartment and live next to an elderly couple who dislike noise and my ex makes alot of noise so he couldn't loaf around my apartment after 11 and be noisy and turning up the tv it just wasn't happening not my fault but it is what it is. He hates living with his uncle and if he can find somewhere to freeload then he is a happy man because he cannot afford a place of his own. He tried to freeload at my apartment but that was nipped in the bud after he found out about my elderly neighbors.

 

When I say I took care of him when he was sick I meant I visited him and brought him soup and medicine and when he was strapped for cash because he couldn't pay his cell phone and was whining I decided to be nice and help him because I am a nice person.

Edited January 21, 2012 by NicoleM

[RecordProducer]

He didn't exactly say the words perfect he just said how wonderful her job is how she is a vet's assistant and how big her house is and she can afford so many things blah,blah,blah.

Vet's assistant? Big deal! You could be, too, if you go for a degree.

 

Why he felt the need to tell me all this I do not know it made me feel really small because I admit my job isn't the most glamorous and my apartment isn't the greatest but it works for me.

He wanted to make you feel small! He knowsyou and knowshow to push your buttons. Because he's a loser - that's why! He wanted to hurt you, but why he wanted to hurt is because he still has feelings for you. Wheneve I broke up with someone I didn't really care about, I never called them to tell them how great my next partner is. I don't have that urge. You can ask around people if they have done it with people they weren't in love with. He should be happy with his new, "rich" and perfect girlfriend, right? Not thinking about you and calling you to tell you how great she is and making you feel small.

 

I do not think he has feelings for me because if he did he wouldn't of moved on so quickly after breaking up and it was not a rebound because I later found out he was talking to her way before we even officially broke up.

Just because he talked to her before you broke up doesn't mean she's not a rebound. What you said tells me that he is still focused on you and not on her. You should use that to regain your self-esteem - not to start hoping that he will be yours again. You don't need this loser.

 

He hates living with his uncle and if he can find somewhere to freeload then he is a happy man because he cannot afford a place of his own.

What a loser! Not because he's poor as shyt but because he is trying to be somebody's parasite - and he's even bragging about it (how wealthy his GF is and can afford to support a parasite like him). You're a woman, you shouldn't feel obligated to have a fancy place for a gigolo like him to crash whenever he wants. It's women who do this stuff: rub in their exes' faces that their new BFs have more money to wine and dine them. Ew! He's not a man at all, he's a spineless, brainless pussy. Seriously, you don't need this scumbag in your life. He's totally acting like a woman - and not a good one!

 

because I am a nice person.

You ARE a nice person, so get this piece of shyt out of your mind and heart. His place is not in there. His place is in the trash container in the street where he can be picked up by the next trash collector GF.

 

Some people have propensity to pick up trash - please try to move away from that mentality. You must have self-esteem issues that were there before he came into yor life. You have to start valuing and loving yourself so you can stop collecting garbage like this and bringing it home. You can have it ALL in a man - only if you decide so! I promise you, you will get as much from a man as you set your mind on. I always got what I wanted in a man - unfortunately, I never set my standards high enough. This time I want it all: everything that I am, he has to be, too. He has to be as smart, as good-looking, as good-hearted, as kind... etc. Not more, not less. I am looking for an equal. Previously, I was looking for men below my league because I thought they would appreciate me more. But, they didn't. They appreciated me less. The happiest couples are the ones that are very similar, not the ones where some partner's traits compensate for the other's traits (e.g. one is better looking but the other one is more successful).