DenumChkn Posted January 19, 2012 Posted January 19, 2012 This is going to be kind of long and rambly but please bare with me as I am in a kind of depressed and frantic mind state right now. I have been up and down but mostly in a funk for about 5 months since my ex dumped me in August. It was the first time I felt like I was in love and my longest relationship at 6 months. I said I couldn't remain friends at the time, but her birthday was a few days after that so I tried to call her the night before. Needless to say that went horribly, she was 'annoyed' and nasty to me on the phone and refused to see me on her birthday. I still have the gift I got her sitting in my closet out of sight. Since then I tried to make new friends at my relatively new job and go out, keep busy etc. all the crap that supposedly helps you move on. Well people were nice to me for a few months because they felt bad I guess, but I'm back to my usual status of being the guy no one initiates conversations with or calls to go out. A couple girls were interested in me and I tried to go on a date or hang out with them both a couple times, but I just couldn't force myself to be attracted to them just to 'rebound' or whatever. Well I probably should have taken those girls up on their interest because now no one seems interested in me, as friends or relationship material. Since I was young I have noticed how certain people (the 'cool' kids) have something magnetic about their personalities: people go out of their way to talk to them and be around them. My entire life I have wished I could have that 'it' factor. I work at a restaurant where people are very social with each other, but I feel like an outsider. I always see them engaged deeply in conversations or laughing and then I walk up and it's like a bad fart showed up. I think I'm a pretty good guy, funny, nice, not horribly disfigured or any thing and I take care of myself, but I feel like i repel people or bore them or something. Since my ex left me my pool of friends has gotten smaller and smaller. My friend who got me the job at the restaurant seems to hate me now for no apparent reason. The only time he talks to me is to tell me I'm going to be fired (which has no merit) or to say something mean and negative, so I just avoid or ignore him now. People are nice to me, but they don't seem to have any interest in talking to me beyond basic small talk. I try to initiate the conversations myself sometimes, but I can't help the feeling that it's forced and sometimes it seems like they are looking for a way to get out of there as quickly as possible. Some of the friends I had who my ex knew mutually used to call me and invite me out all the time and that has slowly declined to the point that I don't hear from them at all. I tried to invite them out a few times but they flat out ignore my texts. I am at the point now where I only have about 3 people (in the town I live in) I can really truly call my friends who would help me out in a bind, and 2 of them are my roommates (a couple I live with). I always imagined as I got older I'd network and meet more friends and expand my social circle. Instead, it is shrinking as is my self esteem and happiness with life. I work at a restaurant at 26 while most of my friends have career oriented jobs. I'm still in the city where I graduated from college (which was just this past May, so not a huge deal but I'd like to get out) and kind of stuck because of debt/brokeness. I recently realized what I would really like to do with my life, which makes me happy, but it feels like an almost impossible dream to me right now. It is hard to be focused on your goals and motivated when you feel socially inept and friends and lovers are leaving you in the dust left and right. I have never been good with girls, and have about one relationship every year or two and they always end with me getting dumped. Girls always act surprised that I'm single or don't have options (I think I'm probably attractive but just have an awful personality? I don't think that but other people must) but none of those same girls would date me themselves, they'd rather just tell me I'm a great catch.. for someone else. I've observed a lot of guys, like my old roommate, who can walk into a bar or party and the bartender or other people he has never met will talk to him. I have almost never had this experience in my life where strangers were drawn to me and wanted to engage in conversation. When I try to initiate the conversations they tend to meander and go nowhere and people don't seem very interested or excited that I'm talking to them. I don't feel like I'm boring, but I guess I must be. Does anyone have any advice on how to lead a more fulfilling life? I just want to be accepted and loved by my peers, whether guys or girls as friends or lovers. I don't like watching everyone sit on their phones having deep conversations with all of their friends and potential relationship mates, while I look at my phone without receiving a text from anyone other than my mom or dad for days at a time. I'm not trying to be a hermit, I even signed up to volunteer for a literacy program to help kids read today (but of course work scheduled me for when the orientation is, can not win). Is there a secret to body language or the way you talk to people that makes them more susceptible to engage you in a longer, more in depth conversation? I think I'm an interesting guy with some good stories and meaningful opinions on politics/art/culture/philosophy etc. to contribute, but I constantly feel like no one cares or wants to hear from me. I go to work where everyone is all excited to see each other and the girls are all peppy and I just want to bury my head in the sand. I hated the social dynamics of high school and now at age 26, I feel like they never went away. I'm so sad with my life and the direction it is going, someone please give me a glimmer of hope..
Dust Posted January 19, 2012 Posted January 19, 2012 I'm thinking of starting a cult. What I can promise you is that if you follow me all your wildest dreams will come true. You seem like a perfect candidate. I will be the leader and you can be one of my priests in the Order of Dust. What say you brother? Happyness awaits. Private message me for all the intimate details
Philosoraptor Posted January 19, 2012 Posted January 19, 2012 It doesn't seem like you have a lot of drive or self confidence. If you want to attract people then you need to find happiness within yourself. That happiness will show on the outside as well and people will be more comfortable opening up to you. But you need to take the bull by the horns and make the effort. It seems like you are waiting for life to come to you but you need to lead the charge.
MidnightinMadrid Posted January 19, 2012 Posted January 19, 2012 We all feel bad from time to time,however it is worst when your self-esteem is low. have you ever thought of seeking counseling? Its good to have someone even if its a professional to talk to. Most of it as the other poster said is your self confidence and lack of it. You think everyone is having great relationships and meeting friends enjoying life and you're not. I know the feeling very well,one thing that helped me,and thats where counseling does come in handy,usually when I am feeling blue is the question,'what can you do to make your self feel better'? I am sure there is an activity you love,sports? music? Writing? whatever it is there are others who share in the same interests. Do you ever go to events,look whats happenning in your area? Many times you never know who you may meet there and who has a shared interest. Focus on making you happy,in my case,nothing beats going to a church service. Not sure about your faith whatever it is,even sitting in a cathedral meditating,makes me aware there is something that is much bigger than I. Hope it helps.
Author DenumChkn Posted January 20, 2012 Author Posted January 20, 2012 Thanks for your help guys. I woke up today and went to work in a much better mood - very tired - but in much better spirits. I've noticed lately that I seem to get very depressed right before and during the time I go to sleep. I think part of it is being single and alone and living with a couple that I can hear giggling or having sex across the hallway. That kind of just rubs my circumstance into my face more. But it is more than that, I need to find a passion outside of my social life that makes me happy and will allow me to meet like-minded individuals, and that is not going to happen until I get a career oriented job outside of the town I am currently in. I know what you guys are saying about self-esteem and I think that is part of it, but I am honestly not that down on myself. If you read my post you'll see that I say I think I'm a pretty good guy and don't think badly of myself at all. That is part of the reason I'm so frustrated by people having some kind of aversion to me. But the more I've thought about it since posting, it isn't me, it is the people I am meeting and spending time around. Most of them are in school or content to be working at the restaurant to get by. I don't mean to sound arrogant but I have dreams and aspirations much greater than serving food for the rest of my life. I shouldn't feel bad about these people not wanting to be friends with me because they're content to stay stuck in the phase of life that I am trying to transcend. Some of them are actually older than me and pretty cool and mature and have similar goals to me. Oh and philosoraptor I have been trying to take the bull by the horns, but I keep getting bucked off and getting discouraged. I know that is not a reason to give up and I assure you I will not, but sometimes I just get really down and feel helpless - especially at night when no one is hitting me up to go out and no one responds or wants to go out when I ask. When I was with my ex I felt like I could go out or not when I wanted to and felt very in control of things. Now that she is gone I'm being confronted by the reality which is I don't have many friends and my social life is not as diverse as I had previously convinced myself it was. Oh well, I know every thing will be alright, I just need to focus on my new found goals and do every thing to achieve them without getting to discouraged or down on myself. Thanks again for everyone's input.
missymac Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 Everyone feels like a third wheel sometimes Denum - its easy to fall into the trap where you feel like everyone else is so much better off than you. Most of the time they aren't. Find your passion in life and go for it. The rest of it will fall into place eventually, just have faith. All the best.
Old Flame Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 If I was you, I would go to glass blowing school. It takes about 6 weeks, doesn't cost much, and you can make a great career out of it. Plus, not just women, but all people are intrigued by glass blowing. It is always a great conversation starter, and blown glass is beautiful, even if you aren't all that good at it. Blown glass mistakes are beautiful. Once you get some of your work into the hands of women as "gifts", they always remember you fondly everytime they look at their glass. The same thing goes for horseshoeing school. I know, I blow glass and shoe horses. My world blossomed after I got out of school. Everywhere I go, people always want to talk to me because they are interested in what i do and want to talk about it.
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