i need to get things off my chest to her, break NC?

[moosekaka]

OK, so this whole week has just been a total drudgery and drag and with everyday I feel like I am losing more and more motivation in my work, in no small part because of the BU with my ex who was also my undergrad assistant and partner in all of my work which looking back at now I should not have entrusted so much responsibility to her.

 

After 2+ months of NC, where I haven't even looked at her face, I still feel like I want some closure and get some stuff of my chest to her. I feel I need to tell her I really did care about her and am sorry for my mistakes and I am hoping either she rejects me totally and cruelly or is conciliatory (slim chance I know). Either way at least I can move forward, that is my hope at least.

 

The BU was horrible and full of drama and I went NC pretty much 1 week after that. I know I have been told I am not ready for NC to broken as I am still emotional. However I feel like I am stuck mentally and am spinning my wheels and losing my motivation at work and cannot concentrate. Mind you I have tried/am practicing yoga/meditation,seeing a therapist weekly, dance lessons, gymnastics, running,gym, volunteering at an animal shelter etc.

 

All of the above help but when I go back to the lab I cannot/will not work. I know I should be grateful to have a job but I really feel like quitting and moving away sometimes, especially when things get stressful.

 

Any advice is much appreciated.

 

PS: it is also my 34th birthday this weekend and maybe its either regret that I wont be able to celebrate with her or that I have wasted my time and youth, but this week has been more down than the last few weeks where I really thought I was making progress.

Edited January 19, 2012 by moosekaka

[moosekaka]

any opinions/advice would be much appreciated.

[RockGuy87]

I feel the same way... You have commented on some of my threads and maye it would help you to go back and read what you had said to me and your opinion.

 

I cant seem to do any work or homework either.. I also get the feeling of just wanting to quit everything. Here i am in my last year of college and I hurt so bad that I sometimes fantasize about taking a break for a little bit.

 

I want to contact my ex also. Same reasons as you, for my mind back, but its a tricky situation. I also know the feeling of contacting and hearing bad news would still even make us feel better. If only we could act out and then if it went worse reverse time. Just to see....

[Philosoraptor]

Correct me if I am wrong but it seems you are avoiding a lot of your feelings. It is good to have an out if things get too upsetting while you are healing, but you need to allow these thoughts and feelings to pass through you without a filter. It will help you process the breakup and help you truly analyze yourself. You do not need closure or anything from someone else, only from within.

[moosekaka]

Correct me if I am wrong but it seems you are avoiding a lot of your feelings. It is good to have an out if things get too upsetting while you are healing, but you need to allow these thoughts and feelings to pass through you without a filter. It will help you process the breakup and help you truly analyze yourself. You do not need closure or anything from someone else, only from within.

 

Ok so with the end of my presentation I suddenly feel lighter and less depressed/anxious. I know its not good to let her have so much power over my emotions (and this was a problem even during the good times) but its like a fog comes over my mind whenever I am forced to do stuff in the lab. I am all for suggestions on how to manage this funk/stress because I need to concentrated in order to graduate my phd.