"The Love of my Life" - After the A

[Elizabeth Southerns]

I was talking to a fOW friend the other day, and was interested in how she still referred to her xMM as "the love of her life" even though the A had been over for years and she was now repartnered to someone else. I've often seen it stated during the A that the MM / MW or OM / OW was their soulmate / the love of their life / The One, and that past (and possibly future) Rs paled into insignificance alongside that celestial connection.

 

Once the A was over, though, it has seemed to me that those who maintained the "love of my life" view tended to be those for whom the R worked out positively (eg, the MP Dd the BS and M the AP) while those for whom the R didn't work out (eg, a bus incident) tended to view the fAP in less glowing - and often outright hostile - terms once the immediate impact of the loss had warn off. So I was quite surprised to hear this friend - for whom it hadn't worked out - still speaking of her xMM in such glowing terms.

 

So, for those fOW / fOM - did you during the A regard your fAP as "the love of your life"? Do you still? Did the A work out for you? Do you think that the way the A did / didn't work out for you influenced the way you now view your fAP?

 

For those still in As - do you think that the way you view your AP now will change, depending on whether your A works out for you or not?

[beenburned]

Every FOW has their own perceptions of their XMM, which are mostly based on a fantasy because they haven't ever lived with them 24/7.

 

It is the same as dating someone who is always on their best behavior.

 

When they finally move into together, they learn from daily contact, the good, the bad, and the unknown sides of the other.

 

Personally I think the term "love of my life" or soulmates is not valid unless the relationship has withstood the test of time by living together.(married or not)

[White Flower]

 

For those still in As - do you think that the way you view your AP now will change, depending on whether your A works out for you or not?

Well let's look at how I felt during a 10 week breakup with SM. Yes, no matter the outcome he was still the love of my life. No "win/lose" sitch can change that. Possibly another love could come along and take rank as long as the connection were really deeper but IMO a breakup doesn't change the meaning or relevance of the love once shared.

[White Flower]

Every FOW has their own perceptions of their XMM, which are mostly based on a fantasy because they haven't ever lived with them 24/7.

 

It is the same as dating someone who is always on their best behavior.

 

When they finally move into together, they learn from daily contact, the good, the bad, and the unknown sides of the other.

 

Personally I think the term "love of my life" or soulmates is not valid unless the relationship has withstood the test of time by living together.(married or not)

You make a good point and I wasn't going to say anything about it until you brought it up. I don't know your backstory, but I assume that you think all As are merely fairy tales and bubbles. You couldn't be more wrong. Oftentimes APs are slapped in the face with more reality than MPs. I know, I was M for a quarter of a century.

 

Now that SM (Separated Man) is free he's been with me 24/7. We wake up to matted hair and morning breath just like any other full time couple. He hogs the couch when he watches TV, he hogs the TV, he smothers me by spooning in bed to the point of sweating (I like my space but it's cute!), he wakes up to go to the bathroom at night more times than I care to remember but he is still the love of my life. Being real did not knock him off that pedestal and I assume it's the same for him since he keeps showing up.

[woinlove]

I was talking to a fOW friend the other day, and was interested in how she still referred to her xMM as "the love of her life" even though the A had been over for years and she was now repartnered to someone else. I've often seen it stated during the A that the MM / MW or OM / OW was their soulmate / the love of their life / The One, and that past (and possibly future) Rs paled into insignificance alongside that celestial connection.

 

Once the A was over, though, it has seemed to me that those who maintained the "love of my life" view tended to be those for whom the R worked out positively (eg, the MP Dd the BS and M the AP) while those for whom the R didn't work out (eg, a bus incident) tended to view the fAP in less glowing - and often outright hostile - terms once the immediate impact of the loss had warn off. So I was quite surprised to hear this friend - for whom it hadn't worked out - still speaking of her xMM in such glowing terms.

 

So, for those fOW / fOM - did you during the A regard your fAP as "the love of your life"? Do you still? Did the A work out for you? Do you think that the way the A did / didn't work out for you influenced the way you now view your fAP?

 

For those still in As - do you think that the way you view your AP now will change, depending on whether your A works out for you or not?

 

Love is not a fixed quantity which means the same thing to everyone as not everyone loves to the same depth or in the same way. It is not even a fixed quantity for one individual. My H is the love of my life and no one from before could ever have been because my capacity for love has only deepened as I have experienced more and matured. I would hope any fOW/OM who looks back and considers the xMM/MW to be the love of their life will continue to learn to fully grasp life and find that they can love someone even deeper and better than they previously thought possible. I hope your friend has not given up and feels she has to settle with her current partner. It is never to late to learn more and to love more.

[donnamaybe]

I recall an OW who used to post on this forum quite prolifically who, though still in her A even now after six long years, stated quite plainly that if her MM ever dumped her she would tell the BS everything to get back at him. I wouldn't call that love even DURING the A though I had seen her use the term "soulmate" several times.

[SoMovinOn]

For those still in As - do you think that the way you view your AP now will change, depending on whether your A works out for you or not?

 

I know it won't change. I've already been in love with her for most of my life. However things work out now, I'll always be in love with her.

[SoMovinOn]

I recall an OW who used to post on this forum...

 

Do you have any of your own experiences to share?

[donnamaybe]

Do you have any of your own experiences to share?

Do you?

 

THAT is what I experienced, and I shared it.

[SoMovinOn]

Every FOW has their own perceptions of their XMM, which are mostly based on a fantasy because they haven't ever lived with them 24/7.

 

It is the same as dating someone who is always on their best behavior.

 

When they finally move into together, they learn from daily contact, the good, the bad, and the unknown sides of the other.

 

Personally I think the term "love of my life" or soulmates is not valid unless the relationship has withstood the test of time by living together.(married or not)

 

That's not my view of love at all. I don't see it as something measured by an ability to live together. Love isn't everything in a relationship. It's possible to love someone, yet that not be enough to sustain a relationship, marriage, or living together.

 

As for whether or not people in an A get to see the good, the bad and the ugly, the idea held by some that it's all fantasy just shows a lack of understanding the reality of A's. Some are just fantasy, but others, they spend as much, or more, time together than they do with the BS. There are some A's where the couple even lives together part of the time, and they very much see the good, the bad and the ugly.

 

In many cases, it's the BS who sees the fantasy life, and the AP who sees the reality. If the M is broken, it's likely the MAP is not sharing everything with the BS (obviously, they are not sharing the details of the A, at the very least). Often, the A begins because the MAP is looking for someone with whom they can talk openly, share all their feelings, someone they can connect with, in a way they had hoped to connect with their spouse, but cannot.

[SoMovinOn]

Do you?

 

Yes. Remember all my posts you've comment on?

 

 

THAT is what I experienced, and I shared it.

 

Well, yes, of course you've experienced reading posts on this forum. Obviously, everyone here has. I was just thinking, since we've all read the posts here, we'd want to do something more than share our experience of reading these posts. You know, perhaps something more from your own life - love you have experienced, relationships you have been involved in, things like that.

[frozensprouts]

maybe i am dense, but this is something i just don't get...

 

 

if you feel someone is 'the love of your life" and you'll never get over them, then why be in a relationship with someone else who can't possibly ever measure up to you one true love?

 

I suppose one could say that a person can move on and be with someone new, but wouldn't that negate 'the one true love" idea...

 

I also ( and I mean no disrespect when i say this) how someone who is in an affair with a married person could ever really buy into the idea that each person only has one true love/soulmate, etc.? After all, most married people believe that of the person they choose to marry...and yet, they are having an affair and professing to love someone else? ( of course, they may be telling their affair partner that they never really loved their husband/wife, but I'm pretty sure that when they made they decided to pop the question, they sure felt deeply in love)

 

This whole "soulmate" idea makes no sense to me...and besides, how can one know they will never love the same way again in their life until their life has been lived? Maybe your friend's "one true love" may be just around the corner...

 

soulmates? the idea that in all the billions of people on earth, there is only one "soulmate" for each of us? I don't think the universe is that cruel. ( seems more like a term people use to justify behavior they aren't particularly proud of)

[donnamaybe]

Yes. Remember all my posts you've comment on?

 

 

 

 

Well, yes, of course you've experienced reading posts on this forum. Obviously, everyone here has. I was just thinking, since we've all read the posts here, we'd want to do something more than share our experience of reading these posts. You know, perhaps something more from your own life - love you have experienced, relationships you have been involved in, things like that.

But YOUR A isn't over yet, so while you're busy chastising me for posting on this thread, perhaps you should be doing it while looking in a mirror.

 

AND - not everyone has read every post on this entire forum...

Edited January 19, 2012 by donnamaybe

[donnamaybe]

Since this thread appears to be open to anyone, A partner or not, I'll be happy to weigh in.

 

When I was a bit younger and naieve (or perhaps stupid ) I was under the impression at one time that there was a "soulmate" to be found somewhere. That's hogwash as far as I'm concerned. I am now with a wonderful man who fits me very nicely. He is happy with me and I am happy with him. We have mutual respect and great sex and we do caring things for one another.

 

Have I seen men since we've been together that are hot? Yes. Have I been hit on by some of them? Yes. Would I ever act on it? Hell, no! Why would I screw up a good thing? "Oh, gee. But he could be my sooooooooulmate!" Yeah. Right.

[MissBee]

I was talking to a fOW friend the other day, and was interested in how she still referred to her xMM as "the love of her life" even though the A had been over for years and she was now repartnered to someone else. I've often seen it stated during the A that the MM / MW or OM / OW was their soulmate / the love of their life / The One, and that past (and possibly future) Rs paled into insignificance alongside that celestial connection.

 

Once the A was over, though, it has seemed to me that those who maintained the "love of my life" view tended to be those for whom the R worked out positively (eg, the MP Dd the BS and M the AP) while those for whom the R didn't work out (eg, a bus incident) tended to view the fAP in less glowing - and often outright hostile - terms once the immediate impact of the loss had warn off. So I was quite surprised to hear this friend - for whom it hadn't worked out - still speaking of her xMM in such glowing terms.

 

So, for those fOW / fOM - did you during the A regard your fAP as "the love of your life"? Do you still? Did the A work out for you? Do you think that the way the A did / didn't work out for you influenced the way you now view your fAP?

 

For those still in As - do you think that the way you view your AP now will change, depending on whether your A works out for you or not?

 

I think that you can often have more than one great love in your life...I also have found that having a "celestial connection" is rather different than having a relationship that is translatable to my day to day life, that will see me through my successes, disappointments, births, deaths and all that is life. I think one can still have feelings for someone but not be a good couple and is a great love simply a great feeling or something more?

 

My experience was that my former AP was someone I had the best connection with (let us not forget that one can connect strongly with someone and confuse it for love when it is not) . I didn't believe he was the only man for me though and figured I'd always have love for him and we'd always have chemistry....but he'd never be my husband. We were friends up until a week or so ago when I realized how much of the feelings were based in fantasy and how much he hadn't changed. As you grow and change you often can look back at the past with different eyes and sometimes it looks very different.

 

I think any relationship that doesn't work out wasn't meant to be and I do believe you can find a greater love. I am not sure what you mean by the A working out positively, but if it means they end up with their AP, then that in itself makes sense for them to consider them as the love of their lives. Those, like your friend who have physically moved on but think like that are more peculiar (esp as for me, A or not, I just don't feel like a man who I am not with anymore needs to be on a pedestal as the best ex ever) Also, in As....even when it is over and even if you move on, I think it's easier to cherish the fantasy as a celestial, star-crossed lovers scenario than it is if you got a normal try and broke up. I know for myself an A and LD relationships or almost-ships were perfect for my emotional unavailability as I could essentially write the story myself and not live it 100%. You can relive the connection and amazing times in your mind and it can be void of all reality as to how things would be with them now if you were in an out-and-out situation.

 

 

A or not....I think it is normal and more realistic that if you are not with someone anymore and have moved on, you don't continue to view them as the love of your life (one of, sure, but THE, no). I also would not want to be dating or married to a man who thinks some other woman from his past is his "great love" and any man I marry cannot be competing with an ex of mine in my heart for the "great love" spot.

Edited January 19, 2012 by MissBee

[MissBee]

You make a good point and I wasn't going to say anything about it until you brought it up. I don't know your backstory, but I assume that you think all As are merely fairy tales and bubbles. You couldn't be more wrong. Oftentimes APs are slapped in the face with more reality than MPs. I know, I was M for a quarter of a century.

 

Now that SM (Separated Man) is free he's been with me 24/7. We wake up to matted hair and morning breath just like any other full time couple. He hogs the couch when he watches TV, he hogs the TV, he smothers me by spooning in bed to the point of sweating (I like my space but it's cute!), he wakes up to go to the bathroom at night more times than I care to remember but he is still the love of my life. Being real did not knock him off that pedestal and I assume it's the same for him since he keeps showing up.

 

Hi WF,

 

I think your point is the same as what the poster is saying. I think most As that don't ever become normal exposed situations can thrive on fantasy, esp in the memory of the APs if you move on WITHOUT ever having that day-to-day opportunity. You currently are with your former AP.....so your situation does not count as it is no longer an A I assume.

[MissBee]

Love is not a fixed quantity which means the same thing to everyone as not everyone loves to the same depth or in the same way. It is not even a fixed quantity for one individual. My H is the love of my life and no one from before could ever have been because my capacity for love has only deepened as I have experienced more and matured. I would hope any fOW/OM who looks back and considers the xMM/MW to be the love of their life will continue to learn to fully grasp life and find that they can love someone even deeper and better than they previously thought possible. I hope your friend has not given up and feels she has to settle with her current partner. It is never to late to learn more and to love more.

 

I concur!

 

I'm just not a fan of someone from the past as your greatest love esp if you're now with another, worse married.

 

You can consider an ex one of your loves...but your ultimate? I don't resonate with that. I feel like we parted for a reason and we're either growing together or apart. If we are no longer together, I can still be fond of you (that is only if upon growing I don't realize you have no place in my life), but my new partner needs to supersede you. I cannot imagine marrying someone and feeling like they are second to an ex.

[SidLyon]

I was talking to a fOW friend the other day, and was interested in how she still referred to her xMM as "the love of her life" even though the A had been over for years and she was now repartnered to someone else. I've often seen it stated during the A that the MM / MW or OM / OW was their soulmate / the love of their life / The One, and that past (and possibly future) Rs paled into insignificance alongside that celestial connection.

 

Once the A was over, though, it has seemed to me that those who maintained the "love of my life" view tended to be those for whom the R worked out positively (eg, the MP Dd the BS and M the AP) while those for whom the R didn't work out (eg, a bus incident) tended to view the fAP in less glowing - and often outright hostile - terms once the immediate impact of the loss had warn off. So I was quite surprised to hear this friend - for whom it hadn't worked out - still speaking of her xMM in such glowing terms.

 

So, for those fOW / fOM - did you during the A regard your fAP as "the love of your life"? Do you still? Did the A work out for you? Do you think that the way the A did / didn't work out for you influenced the way you now view your fAP?

 

For those still in As - do you think that the way you view your AP now will change, depending on whether your A works out for you or not?

 

This is a good question about feelings and peoples' perceptions of their "soulmates". It's not a term I use but I can relate to having a "love of my life". That feeling is not unique to affairs.

 

I'm not a fOW and have never been an OW but in my younger years I have had an affair (not with a MM or attached person). The person I cheated with was not the love of my life and after the A was over I wondered what I saw in him.

 

The interesting thing is that I had always considered that the person I cheated on was the love of my life. We were together for 8 years andI would have wanted it to last forever. Unfortunately it gradually dawned on me that he didn't feel the same way as me so I started to withdraw and eventually cheated on him. I couldn't stay with him after that and so left.

 

I'm not sure if he knew of the A as I never confessed but something he said to me later indicated that he probably did know, as I'm not good at keeping secrets like that or hiding my real feelings. If anything he seemed relieved that I left and continued to be friends with me even after I started going out with my now fWH (who is not the person I had an A with).

 

After my own H cheated I reevaluated my feelings about my previous partner being the love of my life. I couldn't change the feelings but I was able to see that the relationship had not stood the test of time, there were serious problems with it (after all I cheated) and that despite the rocky start with my H (due to me still having feelings for my previous partner), our more than 20 years together was something far more precious and indicative of a basic compatibility than my left-over feelings for someone that ultimately hadn't wanted me.

 

It helped that my H was remorseful about his A and was keen to reconcile and backed up his words with actions.

 

As a result of my own experiences I have concluded that while it's possible to regard a relationship that has ended (whether it be an A or not) as being the "love of a life", it is perhaps not the best thing for future relationships. I have often wondered if my fWH sensed this as a distance in me and made his own choices to have an A accordingly.

[SoMovinOn]

if you feel someone is 'the love of your life" and you'll never get over them, then why be in a relationship with someone else who can't possibly ever measure up to you one true love?

 

Well... possibly because it's not possible to be with "the love of your life" for some reason?

 

I would also say, love isn't enough to sustain a relationship, so... it's possible the "love of your life" isn't someone with whom a lasting relationship would work, for reasons other than love.

 

Pondering this, I am thinking of someone whose spouse dies and they remarry. Their first spouse may have been "the love of their life", but, they are still able to go on and have other, loving relationships, and even remarry.

 

But...

 

I suppose one could say that a person can move on and be with someone new, but wouldn't that negate 'the one true love" idea...

 

I lean towards this line of thinking even more, that the "One true love" concept is a lot of hooey best left for cheap romance novels and Hollywood.

 

If we each only had one true love somewhere in the world, what would be the odds we'd ever find them among the billions of people on earth? What if they lived in another country? How would you know to go there to look for them?

 

 

This whole "soulmate" idea...

 

That needs to go on the banned, overused words list.

[SoMovinOn]

But YOUR A isn't over yet, so while you're busy chastising me for posting on this thread, perhaps you should be doing it while looking in a mirror.

 

AND - not everyone has read every post on this entire forum...

 

I've not chastised you for posting on this thread, simply asked if you had some of your own experiences to share as opposed to sharing someone else's experience you've read about here.

 

Or am I confused? Recalling you said you were posting about your experience - was the person whose post you were referring to the love of your life? Someone with whom you once had a relationship? If so, I apologize - I didn't get that part of it.

 

Are you still with him/her? ... or did you move on and find some other love? Do you believe in the "One true love" concept? Or, are you more like me, believing there is more than one person with whom we can find and share true love?

[SidLyon]

Well... possibly because it's not possible to be with "the love of your life" for some reason?

 

I would also say, love isn't enough to sustain a relationship, so... it's possible the "love of your life" isn't someone with whom a lasting relationship would work, for reasons other than love.

 

Pondering this, I am thinking of someone whose spouse dies and they remarry. Their first spouse may have been "the love of their life", but, they are still able to go on and have other, loving relationships, and even remarry.

 

But...

 

 

 

I lean towards this line of thinking even more, that the "One true love" concept is a lot of hooey best left for cheap romance novels and Hollywood.

 

If we each only had one true love somewhere in the world, what would be the odds we'd ever find them among the billions of people on earth? What if they lived in another country? How would you know to go there to look for them?

 

 

 

 

That needs to go on the banned, overused words list.

 

I agree with pretty well all of this.

[SoMovinOn]

Have I seen men since we've been together that are hot? Yes. Have I been hit on by some of them? Yes. Would I ever act on it? Hell, no! Why would I screw up a good thing? "Oh, gee. But he could be my sooooooooulmate!" Yeah. Right.

 

I'm not much a fan of the term "Soul Mate", but, in the context it's used, in the "One True Love" concept, I don't think the other person being "Hot" is among any of the defining criteria.

[frozensprouts]

S.

 

 

If we each only had one true love somewhere in the world, what would be the odds we'd ever find them among the billions of people on earth? What if they lived in another country? How would you know to go there to look for them?

 

 

hmmmm....according to the stupid banner adds that keep coming up when i use the internet, pretty much everyone ( at least every man) can find his "soul mate" in Russia...maybe if we all moved there we could cut down on some of the legwork involved in finding our "soul mates":laugh::laugh::laugh:

 

is somebody trying to tell us something?

[donnamaybe]

I'm not much a fan of the term "Soul Mate", but, in the context it's used, in the "One True Love" concept, I don't think the other person being "Hot" is among any of the defining criteria.

 

"Hot" doesn't have to apply only to looks. I am betting these so-called "soulmates" are those where an attraction existed for some reason.

[Heather1]

I don't believe in soulmates either, or really true love. I think 2 people an bring out the best in each other & for women, it's confusing when we get m'd because we have a biological clock. We're kind of wired to find someone who'll stay w/ us while we gain weight, have a baby, lose weight, be moody, have an abrupt life change that you can never look back. It's the whole point of dating, to see who will be there for you during those times. Usually it's not the hot quarterback that rocked your world.

 

Later in life, there's different criteria. 100 yrs ago, there was no later in life for women. I think there's just different needs @ different ages & different loves for those times. I don't really think of past loves much. I think about OM a lot, if we had met when we were single, we would have been good together. Timing & luck is what I believe in.