"The Love of my Life" - After the A

[beenburned]

QS,

 

Awesome post!

[Capris]

I think many times when people say "the love of my life" or "soulmates", they are attributing it to basic chemistry, or the way the other person makes THEM feel.

 

Most of the time, I think many of these former OW don't view MM as such a great person. Many of them probably couldn't even name the specific qualities or personality traits they love about MM... the feeling they call "love" is often based on how he made them feel. "But I love him", "We have a connection", "He knows me so well", "He makes me laugh", "he makes me feel so special". Many men are skilled in making a woman feel this way. So he gets her hooked with words, and when he gets her in bed, the oxytocin starts flowing and she becomes bonded to him.

 

Limerance, dopamine & oxytocin, those firing brain chemicals, are very powerful. But it's not real love...it's an illusion. A trick our brains play on us that is rooted in biology.

 

It's not so much that these OW love the other person, because many times the MM has shown himself to be very flawed, or even a fraud. Many OW hang onto that "love of my life" feeling - in spite of all evidence that this MM was not a very good person.

 

That's not love. It's delusion. If OW truly loved MM, she would not have participated in his self destruction or conflict avoidance. She would not have stood by watching him lie and sneak. She would not be a player in his double life. She would say, I love you MM, but this is not good for you. I won't be with you while you're living your life like this. Come to me when you are ready to live an honest and authentic life.

 

So for most OW, MM may be "the one" that got her panties wet. The one that made her feel good. The one that called and texted and paid attention to her. But what she is really longing for, and what she really misses, is those feelings that he sparked in her. Not him, but her own feelings. And that's selfish. True love is not selfish.

 

I agree with almost the whole post.

It is an awesome post!

 

Sometimes though, the OW whom i personally i think, is by deafult a woman with TONS of insecurities, is not able to do what she really wants, stop the A because she loves him. Just a thought...

[SoMovinOn]

A few posters talking about how love isn't a feeling, how it shouldn't be about how it makes *you* feel...

 

Uh, well, yes ... it is a feeling, and it is about how you feel. Once certainly wouldn't say they loved someone without feeling it.

 

There seems to be some confusion between feeling love and expressing it. Yes, first you have to feel it. Like any other emotion, happiness, anger, sadness... what you feel is just what you feel, you don't get to choose those feelings. The second part of the equation is how you choose to act, or not act, on those feelings.

 

Defining love is simple - love is giving. That's it. ... it's what you give. It's selfless. It's putting the other person ahead of yourself. That's why it works so well with two people - they both put each other ahead of themselves, and each of their needs are met.

 

If you have two people who are in love, and both are really bad at finances, and neither of them has any real marketable job skills, and if neither of them can do laundry without shrinking everything and having it all end up the same pinkish, gray color ... they will have a very difficult time living together. Love won't pay the rent. Love won't put food on the table. Love won't do the laundry.

 

Love has nothing to do with compatibility. Living together requires compatibility - each person brings certain skills to the relationship to make living together possible. Both may posses some of the same skills, each may posses skills the other lacks. One might have the ability to earn sufficient wages to support them both, while the other is very good at taking care of the residence, fixing things, etc. ... has nothing to do with love.

 

People talk about having different definitions for things. If that's the case, nothing has meaning - we just create our own meaning. It doesn't work that way. Love is love. Compatibility is compatibility. One can exist without the other. Both can exist together. Neither creates the other.

 

You can love someone and not be compatible in a way which is conducive to living together. You can be compatible with someone, be an excellent room mate, and have no love for each other. In a M, or any love relationship where the couple chooses to live together, you need both.

[White Flower]

Hi WF,

 

I think your point is the same as what the poster is saying. I think most As that don't ever become normal exposed situations can thrive on fantasy, esp in the memory of the APs if you move on WITHOUT ever having that day-to-day opportunity. You currently are with your former AP.....so your situation does not count as it is no longer an A I assume.

 

Hi Miss Bee,

 

The point of the thread wasn't about As thriving on fantasy (though I'm sure many do); it's about having that one special love, the love of your life.

 

Many posters, mainly nonAP, want to believe APs are in a fog and can't reason for themselves. The point I was making was not that since we are together 24/7 I can now claim that SM is the love of my life. It was that I already knew that when I was in the A. I was M quite a long time and loved my H deeply, so I had a point of comparison. I also had prior loves.

 

Being together all the time only confirms what I already knew then. Had we never come this far, I'd still know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is the love of my life.

 

Will I meet somebody else in the future? Maybe. Will that person be the love of my life then? If the connection is stronger and deeper than what I have now then it's possible.

Edited January 21, 2012 by White Flower

[White Flower]

A few posters talking about how love isn't a feeling, how it shouldn't be about how it makes *you* feel...

 

Uh, well, yes ... it is a feeling, and it is about how you feel. Once certainly wouldn't say they loved someone without feeling it.

 

There seems to be some confusion between feeling love and expressing it. Yes, first you have to feel it. Like any other emotion, happiness, anger, sadness... what you feel is just what you feel, you don't get to choose those feelings. The second part of the equation is how you choose to act, or not act, on those feelings.

 

Defining love is simple - love is giving. That's it. ... it's what you give. It's selfless. It's putting the other person ahead of yourself. That's why it works so well with two people - they both put each other ahead of themselves, and each of their needs are met.

 

If you have two people who are in love, and both are really bad at finances, and neither of them has any real marketable job skills, and if neither of them can do laundry without shrinking everything and having it all end up the same pinkish, gray color ... they will have a very difficult time living together. Love won't pay the rent. Love won't put food on the table. Love won't do the laundry.

 

Love has nothing to do with compatibility. Living together requires compatibility - each person brings certain skills to the relationship to make living together possible. Both may posses some of the same skills, each may posses skills the other lacks. One might have the ability to earn sufficient wages to support them both, while the other is very good at taking care of the residence, fixing things, etc. ... has nothing to do with love.

 

People talk about having different definitions for things. If that's the case, nothing has meaning - we just create our own meaning. It doesn't work that way. Love is love. Compatibility is compatibility. One can exist without the other. Both can exist together. Neither creates the other.

 

You can love someone and not be compatible in a way which is conducive to living together. You can be compatible with someone, be an excellent room mate, and have no love for each other. In a M, or any love relationship where the couple chooses to live together, you need both.

Excellent post from someone who has had a few Rs and has many points of comparison to reflect on. Very balanced SMO!

[donnamaybe]

A few posters talking about how love isn't a feeling, how it shouldn't be about how it makes *you* feel...

 

Uh, well, yes ... it is a feeling, and it is about how you feel. Once certainly wouldn't saoy they loved someone without feeling it.

 

There seems to be some confusion between feeling love and expressing it. Yes, first you have to feel it. Like any other emotion, happiness, anger, sadness... what you feel is just what you feel, you don't get to choose those feelings. The second part of the equation is how you choose to act, or not act, on those feelings.

 

Defining love is simple - love is giving. That's it. ... it's what you give. It's selfless. It's putting the other person ahead of yourself. That's why it works so well with two people - they both put each other ahead of themselves, and each of their needs are met.

 

If you have two people who are in love, and both are really bad at finances, and neither of them has any real marketable job skills, and if neither of them can do laundry without shrinking everything and having it all end up the same pinkish, gray color ... they will have a very difficult time living together. Love won't pay the rent. Love won't put food on the table. Love won't do the laundry.

 

Love has nothing to do with compatibility. Living together requires compatibility - each person brings certain skills to the relationship to make living together possible. Both may posses some of the same skills, each may posses skills the other lacks. One might have the ability to earn sufficient wages to support them both, while the other is very good at taking care of the residence, fixing things, etc. ... has nothing to do with love.

 

People talk about having different definitions for things. If that's the case, nothing has meaning - we just create our own meaning. It doesn't work that way. Love is love. Compatibility is compatibility. One can exist without the other. Both can exist together. Neither creates the other.

 

You can love someone and not be compatible in a way which is conducive to living together. You can be compatible with someone, be an excellent room mate, and have no love for each other. In a M, or any love relationship where the couple chooses to live together, you need both.

 

But If there is REAL love and not merely enjoyment of a feeling you will both work at learning how NOT to shrink the laundry; how to properly manage the finances; how to manage a household so you can both help each other be happy and secure and successful.

 

If all you care about, however, is FEELING good you will flit from one person to another (i.e.have A's) in a never ending pursuit of good feelings.

 

Sound familiar anyone?

Edited January 21, 2012 by donnamaybe

[pureinheart]

Excellent post from someone who has had a few Rs and has many points of comparison to reflect on. Very balanced SMO!

 

I completely agree WF. All I can speak for is my situation and what I read here. I haven't really seen too much difference in a relationship with a SM vs a MM as far as feelings go, and the behavior behind those "feelings". While feelings can be deceptive, they can also be factual too. It is the person behind the feelings that must differentiate the truth from fiction.

 

I think people like to use the word "fantasy" a lot to make themselves feel better, and this is not always a bad thing, it is a way of dealing with the pain, and downplaying the relationship is a very effective tool in doing that. In thinking, to downplay or call all affair relationships "fantasy" is a way to remain in denial until the individual is ready to deal with the facts. I hear many derrogative terms, hate, whatever quite frequent. In my own experience, the name calling stops when I am really "over it" and have been healed.

 

When a person is healed it is obvious, there is no longer a need to lash out, and the tone projects that.

 

Anyway, ta ta for now ...shalom

Edited January 21, 2012 by pureinheart

[donnamaybe]

BTW, I think many of us in this thread have had several R's and "many points to reflect on."

 

And, yeah. We use the word fantasy to make US feel better.

 

And since when was "fantasy" a hateful word?

 

I don't feel hatred. I have had the same wonderful man going on 7 years now - all to myself. I wish the same for everyone.

Edited January 21, 2012 by donnamaybe

[pureinheart]

I think people like to use the word "fantasy" a lot to make themselves feel better, and this is not always a bad thing, it is a way of dealing with the pain, and downplaying the relationship is a very effective tool in doing that. In thinking, to downplay or call all affair relationships "fantasy" is a way to remain in denial until the individual is ready to deal with the facts. I hear many derrogative terms, hate, whatever quite frequent. In my own experience, the name calling stops when I am really "over it" and have been healed.

 

 

Correcting a typo ...too many r's

[pureinheart]

BTW, I think many of us in this thread have had several R's and "many points to reflect on."

 

And, yeah. We use the word fantasy to make US feel better.

 

And since when was "fantasy" a hateful word?

 

I don't feel hatred. I have had the same wonderful man going on 7 years now - all to myself. I wish the same for everyone.

 

Who said the word fantasy was used in a hateful way? I think it's used to communicate denial...

[East7]

I think many times when people say "the love of my life" or "soulmates", they are attributing it to basic chemistry, or the way the other person makes THEM feel.

 

Most of the time, I think many of these former OW don't view MM as such a great person. Many of them probably couldn't even name the specific qualities or personality traits they love about MM... the feeling they call "love" is often based on how he made them feel. "But I love him", "We have a connection", "He knows me so well", "He makes me laugh", "he makes me feel so special". Many men are skilled in making a woman feel this way. So he gets her hooked with words, and when he gets her in bed, the oxytocin starts flowing and she becomes bonded to him.

 

Limerance, dopamine & oxytocin, those firing brain chemicals, are very powerful. But it's not real love...it's an illusion. A trick our brains play on us that is rooted in biology.

 

It's not so much that these OW love the other person, because many times the MM has shown himself to be very flawed, or even a fraud. Many OW hang onto that "love of my life" feeling - in spite of all evidence that this MM was not a very good person.

 

That's not love. It's delusion. If OW truly loved MM, she would not have participated in his self destruction or conflict avoidance. She would not have stood by watching him lie and sneak. She would not be a player in his double life. She would say, I love you MM, but this is not good for you. I won't be with you while you're living your life like this. Come to me when you are ready to live an honest and authentic life.

 

So for most OW, MM may be "the one" that got her panties wet. The one that made her feel good. The one that called and texted and paid attention to her. But what she is really longing for, and what she really misses, is those feelings that he sparked in her. Not him, but her own feelings. And that's selfish. True love is not selfish.

 

 

Although this is a very good post, I don't really agree.

 

I refuse to consider Love as purely hormonal and physical. You may not take me seriously, but I strongly believe there is something spiritual in Love. There is something that goes beyond plain sex and hormonal rush. We as humans are able to have romantic feelings for someone which is not only wanting to get laid with them. Hormonal explanation, albeit true, is more a rationalization used by therapists to heal people from their emotional pain.

 

If Love was plainly hormonal than people would fall every time they had sex with someone on regular basis. Dopamine creates instant high and the Oxytocin creates a bond in time. Then why FWB don't fall for each-other. Why do I f*** other women than xMW and don't feel anything for them..? How can she have sex with her H on regular bases and long for me ?*

 

BS have a greater advantage over OM/OW that is to have history behind them and having the MP on daily basis. I don't think my xMW's husband is more intelligent, more cultivated or more whatever than me (honestly I think the opposite ) It all boils down to the: He just came first ! We didn't have the same chances. He had history and a kid with her, I didn't. It is like entering a battlefield without weapons.

 

Another point where I disagree is about "how they make us feel vs. real Love". I would reverse what you said. In fact MW/MM love the way we make them feel ! OM and OW are not just about superficial feelings.

I am almost sure that my xMW didn't love me as much as she loved the way I made her feel.. I loved her as a person, almost worshiped her, relationship skills apart, she was perfect to my eyes. We would talk about absolutely everything, I loved the way she was sensible, intelligent, cultivated; we were not just lovers, we had a very powerful friendship and communication. Pedestal thing? Yes, but at least from my perspective it wasn't just about the way she made me feel. We had more things than just sex to keep us together.

 

If single OM/OW would really be about "the way MM/MW make them feel "they wouldn't even care to have a future with MP !

Edited January 21, 2012 by East7

[Summer Breeze]

LMAO = amusement at how certain people will take one simple word and twist and mangle it so that it no longer even remotely resembles the context in which it was originally used in an effort to avoid discussing what was a very valid point.

 

"Love endures all things..." Let's take a look at that for a minute. If one can say that little phrase has no basis in truth, please - keep your so-called "love." I want none of it. If someone's R is so incredibly shallow as to be able to state that their love WILL NOT endure all things (and we're talking about life situations - NOT wilfull damage to the R by one or both parties by sneaking around and screwing other people behind your partner's back ), then, IMO, it's not love. That shallow kind of love is one in which one or both parties merely enjoys how the R makes them feel. It has absolutely NOTHING to do with deeply loving the person - who they are as a human being, but rather, what they get out of that person for themselves. It's a selfish thing.

 

In an A, there isn't much, if ANYTHING, to "endure" except, perhaps, the corroboration of lies. There are stolen moments together; secrecy; NOT a full life lived wherein you "endure all things" together.

 

Love doesn't endure all things. Because it doesn't, it doesn't mean it's shallow it means it doesn't endure all things. A man who worked for me was M almost 15 years. He and his W were poster children for a normal and happy M. I knew them well and saw both good and bad for 9 of those years. They never had kids so at 13 years tried IVF. For 3 years they struggled and she finally got pregnant. Triplets were born. Two healthy boys and a daughter with all sorts of heart and respiratory problems. For 2 years they took care of the 2 boys at home and went to the hospital almost every day to either visit or get the girl to appointments. They held together through the stress and were stronger than ever. Then their daughter died. Two years later they fell apart. Counselling and a close family and tremendously supportive friends and workplaces. They didn't endure. The love they had was never shallow and I believe they still love each other almost 10 years later but it couldn't endure.

 

To your last sentence. You have no idea what goes on in individual As any more than I know what goes on in individual Ms. You are casting a wide net saying the only enduring is lies. There have been a lot of OW in here and in other forums that have day to day lives with their MM. I did. Together we endured more than most married couples do. Illnesses and deaths, work and financial issues. He saw me through one of the most horrific events a woman can go through and nursed me out the other side. Because you don't want to acknowledge that some As are real Rs it doesn't mean they aren't.

[Summer Breeze]

Although this is a very good post, I don't really agree.

 

I refuse to consider Love as purely hormonal and physical. You may not take me seriously, but I strongly believe there is something spiritual in Love. There is something that goes beyond plain sex and hormonal rush. We as humans are able to have romantic feelings for someone which is not only wanting to get laid with them. Hormonal explanation, albeit true, is more a rationalization used by therapists to heal people from their emotional pain.

 

If Love was plainly hormonal than people would fall every time they had sex with someone on regular basis. Dopamine creates instant high and the Oxytocin creates a bond in time. Then why FWB don't fall for each-other. Why do I f*** other women than xMW and don't feel anything for them..? How can she have sex with her H on regular bases and long for me ?*

 

BS have a greater advantage over OM/OW that is to have history behind them and having the MP on daily basis. I don't think my xMW's husband is more intelligent, more cultivated or more whatever than me (honestly I think the opposite ) It all boils down to the: He just came first ! We didn't have the same chances. He had history and a kid with her, I didn't. It is like entering a battlefield without weapons.

 

Another point where I disagree is about "how they make us feel vs. real Love". I would reverse what you said. In fact MW/MM love the way we make them feel ! OM and OW are not just about superficial feelings.

I am almost sure that my xMW didn't love me as much as she loved the way I made her feel.. I loved her as a person, almost worshiped her, relationship skills apart, she was perfect to my eyes. We would talk about absolutely everything, I loved the way she was sensible, intelligent, cultivated; we were not just lovers, we had a very powerful friendship and communication. Pedestal thing? Yes, but at least from my perspective it wasn't just about the way she made me feel. We had more things than just sex to keep us together.

 

If single OM/OW would really be about "the way MM/MW make them feel "they wouldn't even care to have a future with MP !

 

Excellent post.

 

If love isn't something that someone makes us feel then what is it? Maybe for some it's a crush or infatuation but that's not the case for everyone. What is love but feelings that make us go all loopy. My xMM and I had a weekend together after I'd been away for work for 2 months. We didn't have sex till the night of the 3rd day. Being together was what we wanted and it didn't mean sexually. What about EAs. It can't be all about the sex there. Love is what someone makes you feel, about yourself and about them. Sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes what you think will be love won't end up that way and that means any type of romantic R.

[Summer Breeze]

I don't think you need to live together to be in love.I am not sure about the bolded though, i.e. not spending ANY time together and being inlove. But I guess it depends on your definition of love. I also avoid romanticizing some aspects of the past as our parents and grandparents didn't always have it right.

 

Dating without living together and being in a secret A aren't the same at all though and I can't speak for donna, but for me, it is about seeing the relationship in the light of day without the drama darkness provides that makes the difference. I think secrecy, like literal darkness/dim lighting can set the mood to be more romantic and infatuating than it really is. Think about it.

 

I agree about having more than one great love though. I don't think breaking up has to minimize it...I do find for myself though that after a while it doesn't seem as great, or great enough for me to consider that person the love of my life. My aunt's first husband, she was in love with him since she was 16 and they married when she was 23. They were married 12 years before they divorced. She has been remarried for 13 years and has never been happier....they act like teenagers! We had a talk and she said she still loves her ex husband, I was shocked....but she clarified that she will always love him BUT she is INLOVE with her husband and he's the love of her life. Her ex was diagnosed with prostate cancer 3 years ago and he had surgery, and she flew to NY to stay with him and give him after care. Her husband didn't mind as they know where their relationship stands. That is loving an ex....but I differentiate that from romantic love and considering them the love of your life.

 

 

I don't need to think about because I lived it. For anyone to say that a LT A remains in the infatuation or '3rd date' category for it's duration is nuts. Anyone in a LT A knows that the R goes through good and bad. You argue and you get along. It grows and sometimes you're on a high and sometimes you're not. You see the AP at their best and their worst, just like they see you.

 

I agree that dating and being in a LT A are different. I think you see much more in an LT A than you do dating someone. I can guarantee I know more about my xMM than my grandparents or parents did about their eventual spouses. Not every A is the same granted but then neither is every courtship that leads to M.

 

When I made the comments it was directed at the numerous times I see on this board (and also what I quoted) that if you don't go through the day to day 'drudgery' then you can't really love someone. I wanted to point out that once upon a time it wasn't accepted to live with someone before M and often it led to some amazing Ms. Sometimes not but that just sums what I've always said-every R is different and you have to go with your gut.

[beenburned]

SB,

I think the difference is in the kind of affair you had.

You keep mentioning daily contact in a LTA. I'm sure your relationship was very different than the norm due to logistics.

 

The stats show that most affairs are very brief(under 6 months), with minimal physical contact. I see lots of texting and cellphone calls. These types of affairs rarely have daily physical contact.(unless they work together)

 

Did you and your MM work together? You mentioned trips you took, were they combined with business trips, where the spouses were not suspicious?

I don't know your story, but it does sound different than most brief affairs that we hear/read of.

[White Flower]

I completely agree WF. All I can speak for is my situation and what I read here. I haven't really seen too much difference in a relationship with a SM vs a MM as far as feelings go, and the behavior behind those "feelings". While feelings can be deceptive, they can also be factual too. It is the person behind the feelings that must differentiate the truth from fiction.

 

I think people like to use the word "fantasy" a lot to make themselves feel better, and this is not always a bad thing, it is a way of dealing with the pain, and downplaying the relationship is a very effective tool in doing that. In thinking, to downplay or call all affair relationships "fantasy" is a way to remain in denial until the individual is ready to deal with the facts. I hear many derrogative terms, hate, whatever quite frequent. in my own experience the namecalling stops when I have been healed.

 

When a person is healed it is obvious, there is no longer a need to lash out, and the tone projects that.

 

Anyway, ta ta for now ...shalom

Excellent post PIH!

[White Flower]

Although this is a very good post, I don't really agree.

 

I refuse to consider Love as purely hormonal and physical. You may not take me seriously, but I strongly believe there is something spiritual in Love. There is something that goes beyond plain sex and hormonal rush. We as humans are able to have romantic feelings for someone which is not only wanting to get laid with them. Hormonal explanation, albeit true, is more a rationalization used by therapists to heal people from their emotional pain.

 

If Love was plainly hormonal than people would fall every time they had sex with someone on regular basis. Dopamine creates instant high and the Oxytocin creates a bond in time. Then why FWB don't fall for each-other. Why do I f*** other women than xMW and don't feel anything for them..? How can she have sex with her H on regular bases and long for me ?*

 

BS have a greater advantage over OM/OW that is to have history behind them and having the MP on daily basis. I don't think my xMW's husband is more intelligent, more cultivated or more whatever than me (honestly I think the opposite ) It all boils down to the: He just came first ! We didn't have the same chances. He had history and a kid with her, I didn't. It is like entering a battlefield without weapons.

 

Another point where I disagree is about "how they make us feel vs. real Love". I would reverse what you said. In fact MW/MM love the way we make them feel ! OM and OW are not just about superficial feelings.

I am almost sure that my xMW didn't love me as much as she loved the way I made her feel.. I loved her as a person, almost worshiped her, relationship skills apart, she was perfect to my eyes. We would talk about absolutely everything, I loved the way she was sensible, intelligent, cultivated; we were not just lovers, we had a very powerful friendship and communication. Pedestal thing? Yes, but at least from my perspective it wasn't just about the way she made me feel. We had more things than just sex to keep us together.

 

If single OM/OW would really be about "the way MM/MW make them feel "they wouldn't even care to have a future with MP !

A definite co-sign!

[Summer Breeze]

SB,

I think the difference is in the kind of affair you had.

You keep mentioning daily contact in a LTA. I'm sure your relationship was very different than the norm due to logistics.

 

The stats show that most affairs are very brief(under 6 months), with minimal physical contact. I see lots of texting and cellphone calls. These types of affairs rarely have daily physical contact.(unless they work together)

 

Did you and your MM work together? You mentioned trips you took, were they combined with business trips, where the spouses were not suspicious?

I don't know your story, but it does sound different than most brief affairs that we hear/read of.

 

That's why I spoke of my A and LT As. I don't think my experience was different from most in LTAs. I agree that there is a difference to a ONS. I also don't believe the stats that most As are under 6 months but that's from personal knowledge and loads of reading on forums and books. There are pretty well stats that cover any viewpoint so I tend to go on my own knowledge when speaking of things.

 

I didn't have daily physical contact with him and don't believe I said I did but may have. We lived in separate towns and there were times that we went weeks without seeing each other. I'd been D for 20 years and wasn't seeing anyone seriously. We had multiple DDays and his W always chose to stay-and for the same reasons he chose to. We did not work together and we both did a lot of travelling for our jobs but in the years together not once did we end up in the same place at the same time.

 

As I said in 1 of my posts no one knows what happens in an A unless they're in it just like no one knows what happens in an M. No one can judge the level of love or the lack of it. You can't just say it was an A so automatically it wasn't real or negate the feelings because it was an A or make it sound like because you don't live together day to day it can't be love. That is why I was posting.

[donnamaybe]

SB,

I think the difference is in the kind of affair you had.

You keep mentioning daily contact in a LTA. I'm sure your relationship was very different than the norm due to logistics.

 

The stats show that most affairs are very brief(under 6 months), with minimal physical contact. I see lots of texting and cellphone calls. These types of affairs rarely have daily physical contact.(unless they work together)

 

Did you and your MM work together? You mentioned trips you took, were they combined with business trips, where the spouses were not suspicious?

I don't know your story, but it does sound different than most brief affairs that we hear/read of.

 

Yep. There is this want to try to portray A's as other then your run of the mill type where contact other than the occasional sexual hookup or furtive call from a bathroom stall at a restaurant where the MM/MW is dining with their spouse. We get it. That rare other type of A exists once in a blue moon. We keep hearing about that kind of A from the same few people over and over, but if one were to tally up the routine A's that have been discussed on this forum the contrasting number would be staggering. Many of those posters have come and gone as opposed to the few I mentioned above who speak of the other rare type of A. And if those truly were that rare other type of A how come such a small number of them resulted in a R?

[beenburned]

SB,

Are you still with your MM?

 

And if the MM loved you so much, why did he stay married even with multiple d-days?

 

I have never said affairs can't involve love. But there are many types, and depths, of love where the actions back up the words.

[donnamaybe]

Who said the word fantasy was used in a hateful way? I think it's used to communicate denial...

 

It is used to indicate reality, but others are free to believe what they choose.

[Summer Breeze]

Yep. There is this want to try to portray A's as other then your run of the mill type where contact other than the occasional sexual hookup or furtive call from a bathroom stall at a restaurant where the MM/MW is dining with their spouse. We get it. That rare other type of A exists once in a blue moon. We keep hearing about that kind of A from the same few people over and over, but if one were to tally up the routine A's that have been discussed on this forum the contrasting number would be staggering. Many of those posters have come and gone as opposed to the few I mentioned above who speak of the other rare type of A. And if those truly were that rare other type of A how come such a small number of them resulted in a R?

 

 

Lots of things happen once in a blue moon but they happen. Even short term As you have no idea what's said and what's felt between the APs. To say it isn't love or might not be the love of a life is a sweeping generalization. Are they all. Nope no more than anyone who tends to fall for guys before they get to know them in any R. No ones going on and on about it. I don't come in and beat a drum. I answer questions and make comments on my experiences, experiences of people I know and what I glean from this forum and 3 or 4 others. As far as them resulting in Rs-I was in an R with my xMM. It was lovely till I wanted more. I was in an R with a very highpowered businessman once and he travelled 9 months of the year and I wanted more from him. I didn't get either. I ended the Rs and moved on. Sometimes Rs work and sometimes they don't.

[donnamaybe]

Although this is a very good post, I don't really agree.

 

I refuse to consider Love as purely hormonal and physical. You may not take me seriously, but I strongly believe there is something spiritual in Love. There is something that goes beyond plain sex and hormonal rush. We as humans are able to have romantic feelings for someone which is not only wanting to get laid with them. Hormonal explanation, albeit true, is more a rationalization used by therapists to heal people from their emotional pain.

 

If Love was plainly hormonal than people would fall every time they had sex with someone on regular basis. Dopamine creates instant high and the Oxytocin creates a bond in time. Then why FWB don't fall for each-other. Why do I f*** other women than xMW and don't feel anything for them..? How can she have sex with her H on regular bases and long for me ?*

 

BS have a greater advantage over OM/OW that is to have history behind them and having the MP on daily basis. I don't think my xMW's husband is more intelligent, more cultivated or more whatever than me (honestly I think the opposite ) It all boils down to the: He just came first ! We didn't have the same chances. He had history and a kid with her, I didn't. It is like entering a battlefield without weapons.

 

Another point where I disagree is about "how they make us feel vs. real Love". I would reverse what you said. In fact MW/MM love the way we make them feel ! OM and OW are not just about superficial feelings.

I am almost sure that my xMW didn't love me as much as she loved the way I made her feel.. I loved her as a person, almost worshiped her, relationship skills apart, she was perfect to my eyes. We would talk about absolutely everything, I loved the way she was sensible, intelligent, cultivated; we were not just lovers, we had a very powerful friendship and communication. Pedestal thing? Yes, but at least from my perspective it wasn't just about the way she made me feel. We had more things than just sex to keep us together.

 

If single OM/OW would really be about "the way MM/MW make them feel "they wouldn't even care to have a future with MP !

You are actually agreeing with the post. That is a sad aspect of A's - most of them - that the MM/MW is good at tricking an OW/OM into loving them. The MM/MW, however... And once the realization sinks in the OW/OM's love quickly turns to hatred because TRUE love is a shared thing that goes both directions. The example in the original post sounds like an obsession situation. That isn't love either IMO.

[Summer Breeze]

SB,

Are you still with your MM?

 

And if the MM loved you so much, why did he stay married even with multiple d-days?

 

I have never said affairs can't involve love. But there are many types, and depths, of love where the actions back up the words.

 

He has an adult child with a condition that keeps him home. It was something I knew well before the A and it was something he always said would hold him home. I spoke in depth with his W at every Dday (about 5 of them) and answered every question. I always walked away and he always came back to me. I never expected him to leave and he never once lied and said he would. His actions backed up his words at every step of the way. To this day I have no doubt of his feelings for me.

 

We're not together. Like I said when I got to the point I wanted more I gave him the option and when he did just what he said he would I walked away. Just because a man doesn't leave his W and home doesn't mean he doesn't love you. People keep going on and on about using finances and kids and everything else as excuses. They aren't always excuses, sometimes they are reasons. If he had lied to me just once I would have ended things without a moment hesitation.

 

We haven't been together for a few years. I still get flowers on Valentines and my birthday and once in a while he sends emails which I read but don't respond to.

[beenburned]

SB,

I can't imagine a BW living through 5 d-days knowing the truth about her H.

 

What kind of condition did the adult son have , that would make both of them stay in this kind of a marriage?