"The Love of my Life" - After the A

[MissBee]

Nope, not even close. In fact the term IRL is very appropriate here, meaning a lot of what is communicated here is very close to fiction.

 

Priddy much IN REAL LIFE, the people are simply people minus all the drama. I've seen a whole lot of affairs and the reality is that all the parties were lying about something, there wasn't mudslinging, and all parties moved on. Most AP's got together (lest they wouldnot have had the affair in the first place). The BS was usually a WS also and moved on with whoever and most remain together to this day.

 

Did people get hurt? Of course some did. Did they dwell on it. No. They moved on.

 

Mine was an unusual situation, although I walked from the drama and let them have their game, they eventually split and had a drama based divorce.

 

Are you serious?

 

So everyone who shares their experience here is making it up? What exactly is the fictional part?

 

Anyway, what you said is ridiculous. We ALL live in the real world. Some people's experiences may not be my own, but it is still the real world...as the real world is made up of all kinds of things. A billionaire has a life many do not share...but that life is a real life, in the real world, just a minority experience.

 

Affairs are frowned upon IRL...I have known and experienced drama from As...in real life. In fact, one aspect of this forum people bring up is that people need to share here as they don't have support IRL. If you find this forum to be fictional and atypical of As...why do you come here? It is ridiculous to come on a forum to discuss fictional life which you seem to have disdain for....

 

I find it insulting that, aside from some trolls, most who come here seem to be hurt by As and IRL I have been the child of someone who perpetually engages in As and have been hurt...and know so many others IRL who have too and according to you...all of that is fictional. The only real experiences apparently are the ones in which few got hurt, everyone moved on and ended up together ("lest they wouldn't have had the A"...lol..not only that, but your version of reality implies that BSs who reconciled with their WS and APs who were thrown under the bus are also fictional).

 

 

Your experience is your own pureinheart....but you and the people you know do not define reality. Neither do I or the people I know. Everything that happens on earth is reality...the question is, what is MOST common? LS is a subset of real life...people from all walks of life....and it seems odd that most people have similar experiences and even wonder if a script was used in their A due to it's similarity with that of others they meet here. Then there are a handful of posters who always seem to not be able to relate to ANYTHING and their A doesn't seem like anything else most have experience with....and hardly anyone who comes here says wow, that's just like mine too! The only people who share their experiences are the same few....not newbies. Anyway....that speaks for itself in terms of what is most common. Unless newbies and everyone, including you...is paid to come here and make up lies.

 

Again what do you get out of participating in this fiction?

Edited January 23, 2012 by MissBee

[donnamaybe]

It is interesting, is it not, that a small handful of the same posters know primarily successful A stories? Even though their own was not? And this in sharp contrast to the ratio of a huge number of the typical NON succesful A stories to the small number of "successful" ones here on this forum which is a cross section of many people from many countries. Interesting indeed.

[pureinheart]

FTR, I don't post here that often anymore because it is so drama based. The same rhetoric from the same posters, and I'm not sure who the socks are anymore.

 

No, this is not real life, not in any way, shape or form...not too sorry that I have struck a bunch of nerves here, I really don't care. I just hope the ones who need lives, get them:)

[MissBee]

Hilarious

 

I hope you are successful at that, as you're the one who has a problem with this fake world yet continue to post here. Why not leave for good? Unless this fake world profits you in some way?

 

Good luck!

[SoMovinOn]

Yes, the OW I know who continues to threaten to tell the BS if her AP ends the A has asserted that their A is a healthy loving R. You're right. Whether it is true or not, anyone can claim anything.

 

Well, thankfully we have that one example to let us all know how every single A is!

[SoMovinOn]

It is interesting, is it not, that a small handful of the same posters know primarily successful A stories? Even though their own was not? And this in sharp contrast to the ratio of a huge number of the typical NON succesful A stories to the small number of "successful" ones here on this forum which is a cross section of many people from many countries. Interesting indeed.

 

I'm going to go out on a limb here, but... I'll bet people who come on LS to discuss their A are usually dealing with some sort of problem or conflict, where as those involved in "Successful" A's, don't feel the need to find somewhere to discuss it.

 

So... you have a good cross section of a few dozen posters from many countries, involved in an A, where they feel there is some conflict or problem. ... and millions more who don't post here.

[MissBee]

I'm going to go out on a limb here, but... I'll bet people who come on LS to discuss their A are usually dealing with some sort of problem or conflict, where as those involved in "Successful" A's, don't feel the need to find somewhere to discuss it.

 

So... you have a good cross section of a few dozen posters from many countries, involved in an A, where they feel there is some conflict or problem. ... and millions more who don't post here.

 

LS is a subset of people who are in As (with conflict and a few like yourself who claim to have none) who use internet forums.

 

However, the biggest problem with generalizing from LS is NOT about it's reflection of As...but that we're only hearing from those who use forums, who use the internet, who have the internet, who are literate.

 

Many people are in As who are not on forums. This says nothing about how good/bad their A is going. They just dont use forums. When I was in an A...I spoke about my conflict with friends, not on LS or any other forum. Many people in the world break up, date, marry, experience infidelity (list any other forum topic on LS) but do not get on forums. There absence on LS says nothing about how successful these ventures are...all it says is, they don't use forums so can't tell us.

 

It is implied or stated by some that LS is not real life or doesn't represent it and there is almost this implication that in real life more As are "successful" than what we see on LS...and LS is a marginal view of As. I doubt this very much but at best, we can say it is inconclusive and we don't know the percentage of As, not discussed online, that are "successful" or are unlike what is described on LS. But the implication that for a fact most As are not like this, most are "successful" or LS is unrealistic is not factual.

 

I would bet that if research and case studies were done documenting 10,000 random people across America in As....and their "success", "satisfaction", "conflict" was assessed and stories were shared...it would be very similar to what is seen here. Some "successes", lots of negative repercussions/heartache. A study like that may already exist, would need to check...but in any case, while my intuition says most As are "unsuccessful"...I will say it is currently inconclusive and we do not know whether or not people not on LS in As are having better outcomes and if most As are "successful".

[pureinheart]

Hilarious

 

I hope you are successful at that, as you're the one who has a problem with this fake world yet continue to post here. Why not leave for good? Unless this fake world profits you in some way?

 

Good luck!

 

Actually, you are the one with the problem...YOU quoted me, and attacked ME personally. YOU are the one that takes issue with my opinion.

 

So are you the LS monitor now? Telling members to leave or stay, should we consult you ...NOT.

 

I can post or not and do not need your permission thank you.

 

I would appreciate it if you would refrain from quoting anything I have to say and end your harrassment. I have never quoted anything you have to say ever because I would have nothing decent to say to you. Your comments to me are rude and I am asking you nicely to never speak to me on LS again...thank you.

[MissBee]

PIH,

 

I will oblige you, as I read some of your old threads and witnessed one in which you poured out vitriol first and then accused several people of attacking and harassing you...when none of them did such a thing. You went on and on about attacks and harassment and several people began asking if simply stating an opinion was an attack...you even went on to say you were leaving LS and someone asked if you were leaving again...as apparently you often say you are but never do...which ironically is how we got here. You complaining about LS, like in that other thread from 2010....and me asking you about why you stay and now I am being accused of attacking you. Same old same old. If you have been doing that since 2010, before I was here, you won't stop on account of me and it makes no sense to communicate with you further as you have a histogry of this type of behavior. Several members that were here before me called you on it yet here we are in 2012 and you continue to do it 2 years later....sooo there is no point. I will refrain from wasting my and your time.

Edited January 23, 2012 by MissBee

[pureinheart]

Actually, you are the one with the problem...YOU quoted me, and attacked ME personally. YOU are the one that takes issue with my opinion.

 

So are you the LS monitor now? Telling members to leave or stay, should we consult you ...NOT.

 

I can post or not and do not need your permission thank you.

 

I would appreciate it if you would refrain from quoting anything I have to say and end your harrassment. I have never quoted anything you have to say ever because I would have nothing decent to say to you. Your comments to me are rude and I am asking you nicely to never speak to me on LS again...thank you.

 

Oppps, too many "r"s again:D

[MissBee]

I meant to add to my post that:

 

My board history speaks for itself and I need not defend myself. Have I ever been blunt or sarcastic or debated someone's point....yes. But to attack or harass people and denigrate them...I know I have never.

 

PIH, based on your board history it would seem that in the past you have been hurt, harassed, attacked and walked over which has made you over police your boundaries. And now you are more sensitive and EVERYTHING is considered an attack and harassment. 2 years ago in one of those threads, in which you accused almost all the members of attacking and harassing you, you spoke in length about how you won't be bullied and it didn't seem to be coming from the now...but a rewriting of the past in which you perceive LS members, asking you questions as the persons or people who hurt you. I just noticed you posted a cyber bullying thread as well...and it really bothers me as this is an abnormal reaction and my exchange with you and probably 98% of the posts here from other people DO NOT count as such...and it is a mockery of real cyber bullying.

 

I wish you no ill and truly hope you grow in discernment.

[donnamaybe]

I'm going to go out on a limb here, but... I'll bet people who come on LS to discuss their A are usually dealing with some sort of problem or conflict, where as those involved in "Successful" A's, don't feel the need to find somewhere to discuss it.

 

So... you have a good cross section of a few dozen posters from many countries, involved in an A, where they feel there is some conflict or problem. ... and millions more who don't post here.

Au contraire. They post here, otherwise this issue wouldn't have even come up. There just aren't very many of them. Which is our point.

Edited January 23, 2012 by donnamaybe

[frozensprouts]

I'm going to go out on a limb here, but... I'll bet people who come on LS to discuss their A are usually dealing with some sort of problem or conflict, where as those involved in "Successful" A's, don't feel the need to find somewhere to discuss it.

 

So... you have a good cross section of a few dozen posters from many countries, involved in an A, where they feel there is some conflict or problem. ... and millions more who don't post here.

 

 

look at the other side of the coin...it has been said on here that up to 50% of marriages go through infidelity at some point. however, if you read in the infidelity section of this forum, you don't see thousands and thousands of people posting abut their problems due to infidelity. Does this mean the problems due to infidelity don't exist, or that the betrayed spouses don't face problems, aren't hurt, that their families don't go through major upheavals, etc.?

 

all it really means is that their are a certain group of people who derive benefit from posting about their situation on an anonymous internet forum. I think could be said about any issue people face...there are those who will write about it on the internet and those who won't...this does not mean that those who don't post aren't facing issues.

[beenburned]

East,

Good post!

 

SB,

I don't know if your XMM was typical in his reaction after each and every d-day, but the average MM that does not want a divorce, will lie, deny, gaslight, repeatedly looking the BW in the eye with tears running down his cheeks.

 

This behavior does not stop if there are multiple d-days, XMM will just try harder to convince the BW that the OW is a crazy bitter bunny boiler. He will stop at nothing to prove his lies.(even swearing on his kids lives or using buddy/coworkers as lying alibi's)

 

This repeated bizarre, and crazy-making actions/words, from the MM will eventually wear down a BW to the point of mental exhaustion.

 

I truly hope your XMM's BW didn't have to go through this, as NO ONE deserves this type of verbally abusive behavior.

[OWoman]

LOL! You mean bitter? What an odd way to belittle your comrades.

 

Nobody mentioned bitter but you. What an odd way to belittle another member.

What was mentioned was:

 

 

 

those for whom the R didn't work out (eg, a bus incident) tended to view the fAP in less glowing - and often outright hostile - terms

 

"Less glowing" is not "bitter", and neither is "hostile" - although of course it is possible for someone to possess more than one of those traits at the same time, just as someone can be "tall" and "handsome". That does not make tall = handsome, though.

 

.

 

It's not like every single one of your relationships have worked out to your satisfaction; unless you live in fairyland.

 

They have; and I don't. Planet Earth suits me just fine.

[MissBee]

thank you missbee. i decided to do what you did and i can only say wow.

 

missbee, i find your advice on this forum to be direct, well stated and your position well 'argued', which is what i believe the terms of service requests. i hope you do not let others bully you into not providing your opinion here. i personally enjoy reading it.

 

 

I appreciate that hockeyfan

 

Trust me, no one can stop me from posting here. I am not overly sensitive and I can hold my own on an online forum...and will only leave when I want to. No one can run me off; and if I began to despise LS I'd move on versus complain and berate the forum year after year as I feign my departure. I participate in another forum that has zero moderation...and people say all kinds of things, as you can imagine, and in comparison LS is extremely tame and very pleasant. I love LS and enjoy my exchanges in this forum and will continue participating.

[OWoman]

OWoman, why are you responding to me as if you were the OP Elizabeth Southerns?

 

The community guidelines state that posts should be addressed to all /any members and should not be exclusive exchanges between two posters. I read the post in that spirit and thought it was open to anyone with anything relevant to contribute, as are all other posts and all threads here.

 

If it was sentenced to be a private exchange it would surely have happened via PM, as the guidelines stipulate.

[SoMovinOn]

LS is a subset of people who are in As (with conflict and a few like yourself who claim to have none)...

 

Just for the record, or whatever ... I originally started on this type of forum to deal with my STBXW's A's. Around the time we decided to split, my GF found me, and I had some conflict about where that was going - pretty much knowing we were headed towards an A, and not sure if I wanted to change that somehow.

 

In spite of what a few people claim, I am *not* ok with GF and I being involved in an A.

 

 

It is implied or stated by some that LS is not real life or doesn't represent it and there is almost this implication that in real life more As are "successful" than what we see on LS...and LS is a marginal view of As. I doubt this very much but at best, we can say it is inconclusive and we don't know the percentage of As, not discussed online, that are "successful" or are unlike what is described on LS. But the implication that for a fact most As are not like this, most are "successful" or LS is unrealistic is not factual.

 

I don't know if you think such an implication comes from me. In reality, I agree with what you say here - that looking at LS, or even all forums, provides an inconclusive view.

 

As for making a guess as to real life ... I don't know, but from what I have seen personally, most A's are not discovered, there isn't a lot of turmoil & problems.

 

 

I would bet that if research and case studies were done documenting 10,000 random people across America in As....and their "success", "satisfaction", "conflict" was assessed and stories were shared...it would be very similar to what is seen here. Some "successes", lots of negative repercussions/heartache. A study like that may already exist, would need to check...but in any case, while my intuition says most As are "unsuccessful"...I will say it is currently inconclusive and we do not know whether or not people not on LS in As are having better outcomes and if most As are "successful".

 

The one thing I notice about LS, is the majority of the examples here are single women involve with MM. I don't know how that equates to actual statistics, although I have read that MW are more often getting involved in A's, and the tie in is that more women are working, getting out of the house, independent ... as opposed to some years ago when cheating was primarily a MM thing.

[SoMovinOn]

look at the other side of the coin...it has been said on here that up to 50% of marriages go through infidelity at some point. however, if you read in the infidelity section of this forum, you don't see thousands and thousands of people posting abut their problems due to infidelity. Does this mean the problems due to infidelity don't exist, or that the betrayed spouses don't face problems, aren't hurt, that their families don't go through major upheavals, etc.?

 

all it really means is that their are a certain group of people who derive benefit from posting about their situation on an anonymous internet forum. I think could be said about any issue people face...there are those who will write about it on the internet and those who won't...this does not mean that those who don't post aren't facing issues.

 

I agree. My point is only that LS doesn't provide sufficient data on which to draw any conclusions about what happens outside of LS.

[frozensprouts]

I agree. My point is only that LS doesn't provide sufficient data on which to draw any conclusions about what happens outside of LS.

 

but I can draw conclusions...after all...I know everything:laugh::laugh::laugh:( ah, if only that were true:laugh:)

[donnamaybe]

but I can draw conclusions...after all...I know everything:laugh::laugh::laugh:( ah, if only that were true:laugh:)

 

But don't you think it would be a stretch to conclude that things that happen outside of an internet forum are drastically removed, generally speaking, from the stories told by those on this forum, statistically speaking? After all, the only conclusions one can draw about people who post on LS that is different from those that do not is that they post on this forum? Moreover, since those with run of the mill sad A stories AND the "other" kind of A both post here, wouldn't it be logical that the ratio that exists inside LS is at least a close facsimile of the ratio that exists outside of this forum?

 

Common sense.

[Gentlegirl]

I'm going to go out on a limb here, but... I'll bet people who come on LS to discuss their A are usually dealing with some sort of problem or conflict, where as those involved in "Successful" A's, don't feel the need to find somewhere to discuss it.

 

So... you have a good cross section of a few dozen posters from many countries, involved in an A, where they feel there is some conflict or problem. ... and millions more who don't post here.

 

Think I read somewhere that up to 40% of men and maybe 35%of women will be unfaithful during their marriages.

 

Of course there are millions more who don't post here.

 

People don't seem to come here until they run into some kind of conflict in their A relationship. There are other forums where they do post when they are at the stage of being satisfied in the A.

 

They are very high statistics.. wonder how accurate that report was? Can't remember where I read it.

 

GG

[SidLyon]

OWoman, why are you responding to me as if you were the OP Elizabeth Southerns?

 

The community guidelines state that posts should be addressed to all /any members and should not be exclusive exchanges between two posters. I read the post in that spirit and thought it was open to anyone with anything relevant to contribute, as are all other posts and all threads here.

 

If it was sentenced to be a private exchange it would surely have happened via PM, as the guidelines stipulate.

 

Last time I checked (it was a while ago) it was possible to have more than one ID here on LS. However if one was "on moderation", using another ID to circumvent moderation was not permitted

 

So if neither ES or OW (or any other ID used by the person behind these IDs) is/are currently on moderation it is perfectly acceptable for the poster behind these IDs to post using both.

 

It's even allowable to have a conversation with oneself! As far as I know other LS posters can comment on this if they want, and even laugh about it privately.

 

I'm happy to be corrected here, as I saw a reference to some recent changes to the TOS

Edited January 24, 2012 by SidLyon

[donnamaybe]

Think I read somewhere that up to 40% of men and maybe 35%of women will be unfaithful during their marriages.

 

Of course there are millions more who don't post here.

 

People don't seem to come here until they run into some kind of conflict in their A relationship. There are other forums where they do post when they are at the stage of being satisfied in the A.

 

They are very high statistics.. wonder how accurate that report was? Can't remember where I read it.

 

GG

 

As evidenced by posts in this very thread, there are posters who say they had no problems in their A. Therefore, posters without problems DO post here.

[MissBee]

Last time I checked (it was a while ago) it was possible to have more than one ID here on LS. However if one was "on moderation", using another ID to circumvent moderation was not permitted

 

So if neither ES or OW (or any other ID used by the person behind these IDs) is/are currently on moderation it is perfectly acceptable for the poster behind these IDs to post using both.

It's even allowable to have a conversation with oneself! As far as I know other LS posters can comment on this if they want, and even laugh about it privately.

I'm happy to be corrected here, as I saw a reference to some recent changes to the TOS

 

LMAO!