"The Love of my Life" - After the A

[pureinheart]

Since the word "cheating" is what seems to be a hang-up(and we all haven't cheated), let's call it what the Word calls it "adultery". And I do believe there are people who have not participated. As far as demonization...I think that depends on what you use as a definition of "demon". Since most people involved in adultery are humans it is kind of hard to turn them demons. And I can't say I spoke of morals..since I believe that is another example of semantics used to halt conversation. What one values (in a lot of cases themselves and only themselves) seems to be more PC in the "real world" .

 

Biblically speaking adultry has more than one application.

 

I believe we all fall short all of the time, so how is the truth halting conversation...that's a play on words if you ask me, which happens moreso than not here.

 

In the real world, we all fall short all of the time. Somedays more, somedays less.

[bentnotbroken]

Biblically speaking adultry has more than one application.

 

I believe we all fall short all of the time, so how is the truth halting conversation...that's a play on words if you ask me, which happens moreso than not here.

 

In the real world, we all fall short all of the time. Somedays more, somedays less.

 

 

I sorry. I misunderstood. We are indeed reading different bibles. The one I read speaks of a man or woman having sex(or lusting in their heart) with someone other than their spouse. There is nothing ambiguous about that and there is only one implication. Falling short isn't what is being discussed but that is fine. I don't think anyone believes they don't fall short. Calling it whatever makes it true for one is what I assume comes from what one believes.

Edited January 26, 2012 by bentnotbroken

[pureinheart]

I sorry. I misunderstood. We are indeed reading different bibles. The one I read speaks of a man or woman having sex(or lusting in their heart) with someone other than their spouse. There is nothing ambiguous about that and there is only one implication. Falling short isn't what is being discussed but that is fine. I don't think anyone believes they don't fall short. Calling it whatever makes it true for one is what I assume comes from what one believes.

 

Yes we are...

 

Oh Lord bent, most of the posts are off topic, of which apologies to OP. I will stick to the topic from this point on (in this thread anyway).

[seren]

TBH, I don't hold much store with statistics, all that can be know for sure, well possibly 90% of the time is that in an A, at least 1 in three will be lying, 1 in three will be hurt and 1 in three will not even know they are part of an A triangle. All that really matters to those in an A is their own situation.

 

I don't see why an OW/OM cannot look back and think that the person they had an A with was the love of their life, for sure they might not know the person in the same way that the BS does, but they know them as they present themselves during the A. Who can say that they don't? everyone here has their own take on their relationship and like it or not, an A is a relationship, it might not be based on honesty, it might be that one is a player, it might also be that the people having the A are in love, it happens, it isn't nice to think of as a BS, but it happens. That someone who is in a marriage with another stays and can choose to leave the person they say they love is another matter, IMVHO.

 

I am a believer in the whole shebang of love, simply because despite H's A, I continue to love him with all that I have, that doesn't negate that the OW loved him with all that she had too. It doesn't mean that I should say to her, of course you did not love him, it gave me no pleasure to know that another woman was hurting because my husband walked away, but, and it is a big but, I knew and know that for H it wasn't a real relationship and that isn't said to put her down, I talk of their relationship and he doesn't like it one bit and will say it was not a relationship, I disagree, it just was what it was. But it doesn't mean that for her he wasn't the love of her life. It just wasn't reciprocated.

 

Reciprocity is, I think, the key to whether the A is The primary relationship, or a measure of who the WS views as The One. many WS stay because when it comes down to it it is easier or more convinient or right to stay with their BS and hurt the OW/OM than to leave and that for me, is not a reciprocal relationship. I know that the OW/OM choose to have an A, well most do, but they are often told that the WS is leaving when .... and so the hope allows them to let the WS into their heart, I am sure many would guard their hearts if the WS was honest and said it as it was, as in they have no intention of leaving. I have never been an OW, but I know for sure that if I were, there would not be a long drawn out waiting game, to me, it is disrespectful to both the BS and the OW/OM.

 

Had my H left, he would still have been the love of my life and I doubt I would have bothered with another love relationship simply because love doesn't go away just because the person isn't there. I might hate the A, hate what he did, but I don't hate him, why should it be any different for the OW/OM?

[donnamaybe]

I guess one can say love is whatever anyone wants it to mean. After all, there are women being beaten beyond recognition by a brutal man and they will say they love their brutalizer. They call it love. I call it mental illness and co-dependency.

[bentnotbroken]

Yes we are...

 

Oh Lord bent, most of the posts are off topic, of which apologies to OP. I will stick to the topic from this point on (in this thread anyway).

 

 

:oAs do I. My apologies OP.

[MissBee]

I don't see why there is contention over how prevalent affairs are...

 

That wasn't the discussion. People were stating LS does not represent real life or a true depiction of As and implying that the reason most people seem unhappy in As...is attributed to a uniquely LS thing and that it is not representative of real life. Which lead me particularly, and others, to questioning what does the real life ratios/percents of content and satisfied A-ers look like.

 

That was the discussion. Not how many As exist..but of the entire lot of As out there what percent would classify it as satisfactory/successful versus those who found it unsatisfactory/regretful.

Edited January 26, 2012 by MissBee

[LadyGrey]

Yes. I can't for the life of me understand why a BS would stay with a 'man' who gave her the STD that he contracted from an OW. Further, why she would continue to refer to him as the love of her life. A death sentence is the worst form of abuse.

 

Wow......that blows my mind that you would say that since you are a BS who chose to stay with your husband, right? Even though he didn't give you an STD, he certainly could have right? So the difference is slight when it comes down to it and how can you say with absolute certainty what you would have done or not done if you had gotten an std? Also I do believe it's a exaggeration regarding your reference to a "death sentence".

 

It's a sad day when someone who is a BS targets another BS on this section of LS. It's mindblowing that someone would attack another BS because they have a more sympathetic nature than yourself.

[donnamaybe]

I can certainly understand why someone would stay with a partner who cheated. I can't say what I would do personally, but I think it would have to do with the length and depth of the deception as well as their level of contrition and their efforts to make things right.

[LadyGrey]

I can certainly understand why someone would stay with a partner who cheated. I can't say what I would do personally, but I think it would have to do with the length and depth of the deception as well as their level of contrition and their efforts to make things right.

 

 

I hear ya......If I had to say it, I'd say hell no, done, over, finished but until it really happens you can't say for sure what you'd do.

[seren]

Yes. I can't for the life of me understand why a BS would stay with a 'man' who gave her the STD that he contracted from an OW. Further, why she would continue to refer to him as the love of her life. A death sentence is the worst form of abuse.

 

That's the thing Glinda, you wouldn't understand because you do not live my life, pretty low pot shot, but I saw it coming and if slinging attacks at me and my marriage floats your boat and makes you feel any better, sling away. My H is and always has been the love of my life, I make no apologies for that to an anonymous person on the internet.

 

If you want to know, just come straight out and ask me, pm me if you wish to. I try to have a balanced view and am always mindful when I post on what is the OW/OM side of LS. I don't view all OW/OM as my 'enemy' and try to help people when they are hurting. I shared that I had an STD on another thread, is it to be that anytime I post something you don't agree with that this is brought up?

 

This is the last I will post on this thread, I really don't feed the feeding frenzy that can happen.

[Ms. Red]

Wow......that blows my mind that you would say that since you are a BS who chose to stay with your husband, right? Even though he didn't give you an STD, he certainly could have right? So the difference is slight when it comes down to it and how can you say with absolute certainty what you would have done or not done if you had gotten an std? Also I do believe it's a exaggeration regarding your reference to a "death sentence".

 

It's a sad day when someone who is a BS targets another BS on this section of LS. It's mindblowing that someone would attack another BS because they have a more sympathetic nature than yourself.

 

Oh but this is their true nature. I'm not surprised at all. I've never read one post that wasn't spewing garbage.

[Ms. Red]

That's the thing Glinda, you wouldn't understand because you do not live my life, pretty low pot shot, but I saw it coming and if slinging attacks at me and my marriage floats your boat and makes you feel any better, sling away. My H is and always has been the love of my life, I make no apologies for that to an anonymous person on the internet.

 

If you want to know, just come straight out and ask me, pm me if you wish to. I try to have a balanced view and am always mindful when I post on what is the OW/OM side of LS. I don't view all OW/OM as my 'enemy' and try to help people when they are hurting. I shared that I had an STD on another thread, is it to be that anytime I post something you don't agree with that this is brought up?

 

This is the last I will post on this thread, I really don't feed the feeding frenzy that can happen.

 

I'm sorry Seren.

 

You're a shining example of the difference between class and trash. It's a pleasure knowing you here.

[Phateless]

I was talking to a fOW friend the other day, and was interested in how she still referred to her xMM as "the love of her life" even though the A had been over for years and she was now repartnered to someone else. I've often seen it stated during the A that the MM / MW or OM / OW was their soulmate / the love of their life / The One, and that past (and possibly future) Rs paled into insignificance alongside that celestial connection.

 

Once the A was over, though, it has seemed to me that those who maintained the "love of my life" view tended to be those for whom the R worked out positively (eg, the MP Dd the BS and M the AP) while those for whom the R didn't work out (eg, a bus incident) tended to view the fAP in less glowing - and often outright hostile - terms once the immediate impact of the loss had warn off. So I was quite surprised to hear this friend - for whom it hadn't worked out - still speaking of her xMM in such glowing terms.

 

So, for those fOW / fOM - did you during the A regard your fAP as "the love of your life"? Do you still? Did the A work out for you? Do you think that the way the A did / didn't work out for you influenced the way you now view your fAP?

 

For those still in As - do you think that the way you view your AP now will change, depending on whether your A works out for you or not?

 

There was someone I really REALLY wanted to be with during my current relationship with my gf. We hung out a few times before she moved away and we both felt so strongly and openly admitted it to each other. Whenever I stop and think about her now I still feel it.

 

I truly feel as if she was this important person I let slip away and I'm terrified to let that happen again yet I still don't have the courage to end my relationship.

 

The whole thing makes me so sad and regretful that I have to just put it completely out of my mind.

[SoMovinOn]

3 or 4? No, there are HUNDREDS of people on LS. Just because there are only a handful that don't have any problems with their A makes them a small number in comparison. That's the point you continue to miss, or perhaps choose to ignore.

 

Are you being deliberately obtuse? You were discussing the small number of people on here who say they have no problems or conflicts with their A. How did that now turn into hundreds of people?

 

As for bigfoot, etc., do you REALLY have to be such a condescending you-know-what? I mean, seriously. Do you sit there and think up this stuff just to try to piss people off? Or are you saying A's are a figment of people's imaginations.

 

You repeatedly claim the non-random data sample from LS is sufficient on which to draw accurate conclusions, based on your belief that "a lot of people believe this" somehow creates reality.

[SoMovinOn]

And why is it, do you think, that despite all the evidence to the contrary someone would twist words and logic and insult folks in some kind of effort to deny this apparent truism?

 

Why don't you provide us with some insight by sharing your reasons for doing so?

[SoMovinOn]

I'm not asking about the number of marriages touched by infidelity and the millions in As. In fact, with that information in place, I was asking about if you had to hypothesize about the ratio of said As that exist that are "happy/successful" and don't have similar outcomes to what is exhibited here on LS...what would your prediction be?

 

In other words, of the people in North America, for example, who are in As, if you had to make an intelligent guess at the number that is happy/successful/works out to the APs' satisfaction, what would that ratio look like?

 

I'd not want to make a guess. Some number of people, maybe a lot, may not, have an affair, it has no impact on their M, then they get out of it. Their spouse never knows. Nothing is ever different in the M.

 

I know several people who've done that. Some who do it more than once. It's typically a case where the couple already spends a significant amount of time apart, usually because one of them travels regularly. I would characterize these more as "Flings", although I know some last for years.

 

However, I know me knowing several people who do this doesn't give me sufficient data on which to draw a conclusion, or even on which to base a reasonable guess, on how many other people might also do this.

 

I *am* certain none, or very few, of them would feel the need to post in a forum like this.

[SoMovinOn]

Does one refuse to make a guess, yet insist that no evidence can be found OR does one make a guess in light of the possibility that they may be wrong or right upon further investigation. One venture is more fruitful than the other.

 

My stance is simply that LS does not provide an accurate random sample, nor a large enough sample, on which to base an accurate statistical conclusion - without regard for what that conclusion might be.

 

I am not arguing that A's are good or bad, successful or unsuccessful - *only* that the sample on LS is insufficient and non-random.

 

Some here seem to feel the sample here on LS *is* sufficiently random, and sufficient in size, yet, provide no compelling argument on which to support their belief. There are methods for determining sufficient sample size and for assuring the sample is sufficiently random.

 

It's really very simple. If the size of the group is 2.5 million, to obtain results with a 95% confidence level and a margin of error of +/- 3.5%, we'd need a random sample size of 784.

 

Are there 784 people involved in A's posting here? Is the sample random? ... and, what is the size of the group (I suspect it's more than 2.5 million, although, above that number, the sample size doesn't change significantly)

[SoMovinOn]

People were stating LS does not represent real life or a true depiction of As and implying that the reason most people seem unhappy in As...

 

Actually, I stated LS does not provide a sufficient sample size, nor is it sufficiently random, on which to base any accurate conclusions. Any further "implications" beyond that are imagined.

Edited January 26, 2012 by SoMovinOn

[White Flower]

I try to have a balanced view and am always mindful when I post on what is the OW/OM side of LS. I don't view all OW/OM as my 'enemy' and try to help people when they are hurting. I shared that I had an STD on another thread, is it to be that anytime I post something you don't agree with that this is brought up?

 

This is the last I will post on this thread, I really don't feed the feeding frenzy that can happen.

Seren, you have always embued and embodied a sense of class, dignity, and integrity. Having to defend yourself to another BS is a bit confusing and I feel your frustration.

 

I have always appreciated and respected your balanced and caring view on both boards. I suggest you block posters whose reasoning do not equal or surpass your own.

[LadyGrey]

The hypocrisy on this board.

 

It is my opinion that sneaking around on your spouse abusive. Giving your spouse a disease contracted from sneaking around is doubly abusive, whether the passing of the disease was intentional or not; the sneaking around was. I agree with donnamaybe that many don't know what they would do when faced with that. I also add that many won't understand their decision, as many don't understand why abused stay with their abuser.

 

Should I (unsympathetic to cheaters) have posted that I chose to stay with someone that gave me a disease, and another questioned my logic or compassion toward the thing that had the disease in the first place, would I be called classy, and my opposition trash? Gosh no, only those sympathetic to cheating have class.

 

What you were doing was being rude to Seren, who is NOT a cheater and who is a class act.

 

So before you go throwing barbs at me, look yourselves in the mirror.

 

I'm at a point where I'm pretty damn good when I look in the mirror, thank you. I've made amends for the wrong I've done.

 

You have me confused with someone else.

 

Do I? Your posting style reminds me of greengoddess who was a angry BS.

[donnamaybe]

Are you being deliberately obtuse? You were discussing the small number of people on here who say they have no problems or conflicts with their A. How did that now turn into hundreds of people?

There are hundreds of people with A stories on LS. The "small number" is the number OF THOSE HUNDREDS that don't have a sad, nasty spin to their A story. How many times must I repeat myself?

 

 

 

You repeatedly claim the non-random data sample from LS is sufficient on which to draw accurate conclusions, based on your belief that "a lot of people believe this" somehow creates reality.

Actually, since those posting on LS come from many different walks of life and many different countries, and the ONLY thing "non-random" about them is that they all post on this particular forum, I feel it is a VERY "random sample" of people. You choose to believe otherwise, perhaps because of an agenda. That is your right.

[Elizabeth Southerns]

TBH, I don't hold much store with statistics, all that can be know for sure, well possibly 90% of the time is that in an A, at least 1 in three will be lying, 1 in three will be hurt and 1 in three will not even know they are part of an A triangle. All that really matters to those in an A is their own situation.

 

I don't see why an OW/OM cannot look back and think that the person they had an A with was the love of their life, for sure they might not know the person in the same way that the BS does, but they know them as they present themselves during the A. Who can say that they don't? everyone here has their own take on their relationship and like it or not, an A is a relationship, it might not be based on honesty, it might be that one is a player, it might also be that the people having the A are in love, it happens, it isn't nice to think of as a BS, but it happens. That someone who is in a marriage with another stays and can choose to leave the person they say they love is another matter, IMVHO.

 

I am a believer in the whole shebang of love, simply because despite H's A, I continue to love him with all that I have, that doesn't negate that the OW loved him with all that she had too. It doesn't mean that I should say to her, of course you did not love him, it gave me no pleasure to know that another woman was hurting because my husband walked away, but, and it is a big but, I knew and know that for H it wasn't a real relationship and that isn't said to put her down, I talk of their relationship and he doesn't like it one bit and will say it was not a relationship, I disagree, it just was what it was. But it doesn't mean that for her he wasn't the love of her life. It just wasn't reciprocated.

 

Reciprocity is, I think, the key to whether the A is The primary relationship, or a measure of who the WS views as The One. many WS stay because when it comes down to it it is easier or more convinient or right to stay with their BS and hurt the OW/OM than to leave and that for me, is not a reciprocal relationship. I know that the OW/OM choose to have an A, well most do, but they are often told that the WS is leaving when .... and so the hope allows them to let the WS into their heart, I am sure many would guard their hearts if the WS was honest and said it as it was, as in they have no intention of leaving. I have never been an OW, but I know for sure that if I were, there would not be a long drawn out waiting game, to me, it is disrespectful to both the BS and the OW/OM.

 

Had my H left, he would still have been the love of my life and I doubt I would have bothered with another love relationship simply because love doesn't go away just because the person isn't there. I might hate the A, hate what he did, but I don't hate him, why should it be any different for the OW/OM?

 

Thank you for bringing this thread back on track, and for this thought-provoking post.

 

Am I correct in understanding that, when you state that you'd still have considered your H the "love of your life" had he left, you are saying that the betrayal and anger you'd have felt at that outcome would have been dwarfed by the extent of the love you'd shared - or even, an abiding love you felt for him? Or is it more an acceptance that the "damage" (for want of a better word) that that betrayal had wrought on you would effectively prevent you from ever trusting another lover to the same extent, preventing you from falling that deeply in love with anyone else in the future, so that this R (despite its ultimate outcome) would be the deepest and most intense in your life?

 

In my friend's case, I think it's possibly a little of both. Although she's moved on and is in a R with someone else, she still retains a good deal of affection for her fMM. She's also clearly withholding in the new R, not allowing herself to get drawn in as fully as she was in the A. And while that withholding is easy to understand in the wake of her heartbreak, it does also carry the risk of her putting the fMM on some kind of pedestal that no other man can ever match. Which, in her case, could become a problem.

 

I guess "the love of your life" would refer to the person YOU loved the most, rather than the person who loved you most or best or most visibly, so perhaps it isn't such a strange phenomenon?

[beenburned]

Seren,

Good post!

[SidLyon]

Actually, I stated LS does not provide a sufficient sample size, nor is it sufficiently random, on which to base any accurate conclusions. Any further "implications" beyond that are imagined.

 

SMO - first of all my qualifications. My first degree is in economics and you guessed it statistics. I later qualified as a CPA (an accountant) and am now a lawyer admitted to the bar.

 

You are absolutely correct that LS could not be regarded as a sufficiently random selection of people, nor could the sample size be verified and there haven't been any surveys done on which to base an acceptable study with results and conclusions.

 

All this means that it wouldn't be possible to publish results and conclusions and have them accepted as valid by whatever professional group might use them, or the general public.

 

However you are absolutely mistaken if you say that people (eg fellow posters) are unable to draw accurate conclusions. People can and do draw them, myself and you included. Of course we cannot publish them and have them generally accepted by others but that doesn't mean we don't come to conclusions. What's more some of the conclusions we draw are accurate.

 

To give you an example I have drawn the conclusion that most posters on this board are female. I have also drawn the conclusion that most MM involved with OW who post on this board, follow very similar patterns in conducting their EMAs. This is supported by my observations of the way many BWs on this board talk about the way their own WHs engaged in their affairs.

 

I cannot prove any of this (after all they could all be males pretending to be females), and would never dream of trying to publish this as an acceptable study.

 

Maybe I am only repeating what you mean; but your continued insistence that we cannot come to valid conclusions is not quite accurate. It's just that any conclusions we draw could not be published as part of a study without a lot more effort to ensure valid sample size, random selection and appropriate areas of questioning.

Edited January 26, 2012 by SidLyon