Should I let the ex matter?

[ChrisMac]

So end of last summer I hook up with this amazing girl I've known for a few months, on the night before I go back to finish grad school in another country. We have a blast together, and end up making plans for her to come see me for four days at the start of October. She comes to visit, we again have a blast, and it turns into a thing where we're flying to spend almost every weekend together, talking every day by phone or chat. I'm trying like hell to get a job in her city, both for her and because it's a great city. I go to see her for a week before Christmas, and while I'm with her I find out I got a job offer there, and we're both cautious but excited as hell.

 

My new job won't start until mid-February and I can't afford to live there until it starts due to being broke from school, so I go back home to stay with my parents for Christmas and New Year's, and we resume the game of messaging daily and calling every few days. In the past few weeks since New Year's, however, she's seemed to grow more moody, sometimes fine and full of energy, sometimes only responding to texts in 1-2 word answers an hour or two later. Being stuck alone at home in the middle of nowhere with just my parents, this drives me a little nuts. This past Saturday night we talk and Skype, laughing for hours, and I log off in the end feeling far, far better.

 

But the next day she emails to say she's got some things she needs to tell me. Via IM, she says she quit her job a week ago because she couldn't handle it anymore. When asked why she didn't tell me sooner, she says it's because my job is so great compared to hers, which is nonsense. And then her roommate's moving out soon too.

 

But there's a third thing. She says her ex-boyfriend, who broke up with her last spring, is trying to get her back, sending her emails and even coming to her work once for a chat. He's saying he made a huge mistake, and wants them to move in together despite that being a big reason they broke up. I breathe deep and say, okay, what does this mean for us? She says "it's been difficult for me". I ask her to explain. She says "He has been someone very special to me." I ask if she's going to go back to him. She says "No, I didn't say that." She says she wanted to tell me because she thought it'd let me trust her more, yet because she kept responding to him, saw him, and didn't tell me about it for awhile, it's had the opposite effect.

 

Later she explained that she felt like I was talking to her less and we were losing our connection. She says "I will stop it completely... I just needed you to show me that you cared about me .. and somehow I havent heard from you much lately...". Which isn't true, I've been calling and writing as much as ever, even though my life out here is so uneventful I literally have nothing to tell her about, but okay. She also said that her boyfriend was telling her that she barely knows me, that she's only seen me for 20 days or so, that she can't rely on me. So I tell her again how important she is to me, how much I can't wait to see her, and she seemed fine.

 

Since then, however, she's been cold and distant again. Clearly her life isn't great right now, for reasons related to me and not, but I'm going a little nuts with worry being so powerless to do anything from such distance. I'd fly there for a weekend but it's $900 I can't afford until the job starts next month. I can wait out the next three weeks but now I'm not sure she'll be there when I get there. I guess there's not much I can do except just let whatever happens, happen, and if she moves on, well, it wasn't meant to be.

 

Anyone have any advice here? Would especially love a woman's POV about how I should handle this. Thanks much in advance.

[Philosoraptor]

It surely doesn't seem like she is in the right state of mind. Her pulling away when you started talking about moving closer could mean things just got too real for her. Doesn't seem like she was over her ex when she started with you.

[wildgeese]

There are certainly some red flags.

 

1. Would you genuinely want to move to this city even if she was not in the picture at all? And be honest with yourself. You two do not know one another very well and moving to a different country for someone is a big leap. What happens if you move there, you date for a couple of months, and then she does ultimately leave you for the ex or you decide you don't want to be with her or it's even a mutual amicable breakup? Would you just move back to where you currently live or are you in love enough with the city to continue living there afterwards?

 

2. It sounds like she is making excuses and playing games. "I just needed you to show me that you cared about me" by talking to an ex-boyfriend (or any other guy!) is immature.

 

3. Your communication is inconsistent. She doesn't seem to be making as much of an effort as you do nor is she comfortable enough to tell you about something as soon as it happens.

 

4. She most likely has some sort of attachment to her ex, even if it's just nostalgia (which can be awfully harmful itself!). If she didn't have that attachment then she wouldn't have let it become a situation at all. She may just be using him as an excuse. If you're genuinely happy in a relationship then talking to an ex is often brief and insignificant, unless there has been an already established friendship. It doesn't seem like they've had much contact and now the contact they do have is purely based on their romantic relationship (past and desired). Not to mention she's clearly letting his opinion sway her.

 

It may not necessarily be that she's in love with her ex or anything, but it does seem like she's looking for some excuses.

[Orianne]

It sounds like she's not over her ex and is torn between moving on with you or going back to him. It's a battle between the head and the heart. My guess is that she told you about the situation because she knows she needs to move on from her ex and wants your support. You just have to decide if you want to be that guy.

[salparadise]

I can wait out the next three weeks but now I'm not sure she'll be there when I get there. I guess there's not much I can do except just let whatever happens, happen, and if she moves on, well, it wasn't meant to be.

 

You sound well balanced to be able to have such a rational perspective. It would certainly be nice if you could go there, but... if she's talking to her ex, not sure about how she feels about him, telling you that he's pursuing, etc., perhaps you should be the one having second thoughts.

 

Some women just love to have two (or more) guys competing for their affections. It's a form of validation and a way for insecure people to bolster self-esteem. It's also disingenuous to say the least. I think she should have been able to know almost immediately if she was going to give him a shot or if she's sending him packing. Then, she should inform you that either she's going back with him, or told him to get lost and affirmed her commitment to you. The question you need to ask is, how long is this ex going to be waiting around in the wings, and is she the kind of woman who would encourage and revel in this situation, or can and will she cut him off clean and permanently.

 

Personally, I don't want to be involved with a woman who isn't certain of the ex's ex-status. It takes an insecure, self-centered, emotional vampire type to torment a man with characters from her past lurking around in the shadows. It's big drama that stokes one's ego at the other's expense, and more than likely indicates emotional immaturity and a pattern of dramatic, attention-seeking behavior.

 

I'm not saying this rant applies to your situation––I hope she sent the guy away and is eagerly awaiting your arrival. But if she's keeping this guy in the loop then consider what I've said.

[FitChick]

They broke up for a reason. Odds are not in their favor. Let her have her fantasy while you start a great new job. It's possible she may contact you again saying she was a fool to go back, she forgot what a jerk he was, etc. At this point, let her go and worry about yourself. For all you know, this is Fate leading you to something or someone better in a new city.

[IfiKnewThen]

chris what is the update? how are things panning out?