verhrzn Posted January 19, 2012 Share Posted January 19, 2012 This is a topic that always gets touched on when discussing "leagues" or sometimes in the form of accusations as to why someone is single. My question is, how do you determine if your expectations of dating and what you're trying to find in a partner are realistic? How do you determine your "league"? And if what you're asking from a partner is unrealistic, but you can't lower the bar any further then should you just take yourself out of the game? Link to post Share on other sites
kiss_andmakeup Posted January 19, 2012 Share Posted January 19, 2012 I'm not good at approaching men, so I just assume that men who approach me or ask me out are the ones in my league. If I'm really attracted to or interested in someone but he doesn't make the first move, I assume he's out of my league. Considering I don't get approached by many guys at all, my thinking might be skewed, but who knows. Many people have reasoned that guys might be intimidated by me but I don't really buy it. Luckily my boyfriend approached me, which is really enough since he's amazing. But I feel your particular predicament simply must be a product of your environment (where and with whom you live, work, and socialize). I have friends who fit your looks profile (petite, fuller figured but NOT fat, cute and quirky) and they get hit on twice as often as I do. No joke. I've never felt as though I've "lowered the bar" to find a boyfriend. My last boyfriend was what some women might consider less than ideal...he wasn't tall, fit, wealthy, or particularly outgoing. But he was (for most of our relationship) a good boyfriend who treated me well and I never felt as though I was "settling." "Leagues" are completely subjective. Link to post Share on other sites
hydorclops Posted January 19, 2012 Share Posted January 19, 2012 This sports analogy is played out. So is the idea of "market value" and all the other zero sum game nonsense. Lovers, boyfriends, wives, husbands, girlfriends, and all these types of possible relationships are much more mundane in reality than you might think if you've never had one. Think about common and simple friendship instead of sports or business. Simple friendship is much like a romantic relationship. Think how ordinary friendship is. Does your best friend need to be the best person possible? If you really like someone, are you settling somehow? Disregard this idea if you want. But I assert that people skills, relationship skills, kindness, and empathy, as found in ordinary friendships, have more to do with romance than how you think you rate to the opposite sex. Link to post Share on other sites
xpaperxcutx Posted January 19, 2012 Share Posted January 19, 2012 (edited) kissandmakeup: I'm going to quote something I read in a blog- Woman date above their league while men date below. Your approach to dating was flawed, by taking a backseat and allowing whatever men to appraoch you first, you're basically settling, because as you've said, they're " in your league". Also when below the average men approach you, that's usually because they have nothing to lose, so they'll approach any women regardless of attractiveness. As to realistic expectations- the only thing I can expect is that when a guy is dating me, they put in as much effort into seeing me as I do them. So they have 9-5 jobs or god forbid, overnight, but even with jobs, they have their off days. So make an effort for face to face time. I'm not going to be dating my phone ( even though that will most likely become our number 1 form of communication) but if they decide that an LDR is their preference, then I will gladly exit and allow them to meet someone who lives 2000 miles away. That's the only expectation I can expect from a guy- effort. Edited January 20, 2012 by xpaperxcutx Link to post Share on other sites
jobaba Posted January 20, 2012 Share Posted January 20, 2012 This is a topic that always gets touched on when discussing "leagues" or sometimes in the form of accusations as to why someone is single. My question is, how do you determine if your expectations of dating and what you're trying to find in a partner are realistic? How do you determine your "league"? And if what you're asking from a partner is unrealistic, but you can't lower the bar any further then should you just take yourself out of the game? It's case by case basis. I'm a short Asian guy, so technically, short Asian women would be my league. Except I've never dated one. I've pursued many and have been rejected by tons. The women that I have dated would be considered by most men to be more attractive than several that have rejected me. Of this ... I am sure. So, going for the bottom of the pile as you suggest doesn't necessarily guarantee results. Not to say I'd approach a 5'11" beautiful blonde woman in a bar and expect her to go for me. I'm realistic, but you have to broaden your horizons realistically, if that makes any sense. Link to post Share on other sites
jobaba Posted January 20, 2012 Share Posted January 20, 2012 This sports analogy is played out. So is the idea of "market value" and all the other zero sum game nonsense. Lovers, boyfriends, wives, husbands, girlfriends, and all these types of possible relationships are much more mundane in reality than you might think if you've never had one. Think about common and simple friendship instead of sports or business. Simple friendship is much like a romantic relationship. Think how ordinary friendship is. Does your best friend need to be the best person possible? If you really like someone, are you settling somehow? Disregard this idea if you want. But I assert that people skills, relationship skills, kindness, and empathy, as found in ordinary friendships, have more to do with romance than how you think you rate to the opposite sex. It's so funny that this type of viewpoint is seen so rarely on this forum that when I see it, I'm almost always shocked. Bravo dude or dudette... Link to post Share on other sites
Jessica45 Posted January 20, 2012 Share Posted January 20, 2012 I think a realistic expectation is simply finding someone who loves and treats you well, is not a criminal, is drug free, and is financially secure. Someone who is compatible with you and can see sharing your life with. Unrealistic expectations generally have to do with superficial things like looks, above average income and high social status. Those things are nice, but not near as important as the first list. I would compromise on the second list. Never on the first. Link to post Share on other sites
somedude81 Posted January 20, 2012 Share Posted January 20, 2012 What Are Realistic Expectations In Dating? I wish I knew. kissandmakeup: I'm going to quote something I read in a blog- Woman date above their league while men date below. That seems about right. So when ever I think a girl is in my league, like my latest crush, I need to remind myself that she's not actually in my league and look for somebody, lower than me. Now which type of woman is actually lower in league than myself? Guess I should start by looking under a bridge. Link to post Share on other sites
joystickd Posted January 20, 2012 Share Posted January 20, 2012 Being open and honest Link to post Share on other sites
runner Posted January 20, 2012 Share Posted January 20, 2012 realistic expectations ? ..i suppose some ****ing would be nice Link to post Share on other sites
Feelsgoodman Posted January 20, 2012 Share Posted January 20, 2012 My question is, how do you determine if your expectations of dating and what you're trying to find in a partner are realistic? How do you determine your "league"? And if what you're asking from a partner is unrealistic, but you can't lower the bar any further then should you just take yourself out of the game? If your dating life is a success, your expectations are realistic. If it's not a success, they are not realistic. Unless, fo course, you are one of those people who think that your failures are always somebody else's fault. Link to post Share on other sites
xpaperxcutx Posted January 20, 2012 Share Posted January 20, 2012 That seems about right. So when ever I think a girl is in my league, like my latest crush, I need to remind myself that she's not actually in my league and look for somebody, lower than me. Now which type of woman is actually lower in league than myself? Guess I should start by looking under a bridge. Somedude, because of your personality I would have to say you're going above your league. Let me elaborate...in dating women will always want to date outside their league- that means every pretty boy that comes around which is also the reason why so many women date jerks. The men who strive to date outside their leagues are the self-absorbed and highly confident. Even when they're with pretty women, they will still strive for someone whom they ( assume) to be better. Women settle when they get tired of dating the bad boys. Men settle when they get tired of playing the game ( and because they really love their gf). It's all really anayltical but so accurate when you apply it to the dating world. But then again, if you're dating for the sake of dating, the idea of " leagues" is superficial. Link to post Share on other sites
Feelsgoodman Posted January 20, 2012 Share Posted January 20, 2012 kissandmakeup: I'm going to quote something I read in a blog- Woman date above their league while men date below. What that blog forgot to tell you is that women who try to date above their league are seen as disposable and treated as booty calls. After a while, they get all bitter and stuff and start whining that there are no good men left And the guys who date below their league are never happy and are always on the look out for greener pastures. Link to post Share on other sites
Author verhrzn Posted January 20, 2012 Author Share Posted January 20, 2012 Your approach to dating was flawed, by taking a backseat and allowing whatever men to appraoch you first, you're basically settling, because as you've said, they're " in your league". Also when below the average men approach you, that's usually because they have nothing to lose, so they'll approach any women regardless of attractiveness. So what if even below the average guys won't approach you, or friend-zone you? What if you never get approached, and every guy considers you unworthy of him? If your dating life is a success, your expectations are realistic. If it's not a success, they are not realistic. Unless, fo course, you are one of those people who think that your failures are always somebody else's fault. My standards is that the guy be employed, and be attracted to/like me. So, because my dating life is a failure, does that mean those standards are unrealistic? How exactly should I change them? Date unemployed guys? Link to post Share on other sites
Content Posted January 20, 2012 Share Posted January 20, 2012 kissandmakeup: I'm going to quote something I read in a blog- Woman date above their league while men date below. ". t. Why do u think that is? Link to post Share on other sites
Author verhrzn Posted January 20, 2012 Author Share Posted January 20, 2012 There are no leagues as we always tell the guys. You as a woman especialy can't start believing in leagues. Because leagues are more away men get discouraged from hitting on women. What are you going to do start rejecting guys you like... or start saying yes to guys who make you feel like vomiting... It won't work. Stop being the female Somedude. Be more like Kaylan... Look do you want us to fly you out to CA to date Somedude...? Well, guys never give me the opportunity reject or say yes either way, so that luckily isn't a problem! What would the female Kaylan look like?... Somedude would never date me. He's got 'standards,' remember, and he'd only drop them to my level as a form of desperation. I not nearly thin or young enough for him. I've dated guys exactly like him in the past, and they've always dumped me for someone hotter once they've gotten their confidence rates up by succeeding with one woman (lucky number one me.) Link to post Share on other sites
Feelsgoodman Posted January 20, 2012 Share Posted January 20, 2012 My standards is that the guy be employed, and be attracted to/like me. So, because my dating life is a failure, does that mean those standards are unrealistic? Yes, they are unrealistic. Having read your other posts on this board, your attitude comes across as rather off-putting. That explains why men don't like you. Keep in mind that you can only get away with being a whiny person if you are very good looking. If you are average or below average in appearance, having a pleasant disposition would help your dating life enormously. Link to post Share on other sites
iris219 Posted January 20, 2012 Share Posted January 20, 2012 If your dating life is a success, your expectations are realistic. If it's not a success, they are not realistic. Unless, fo course, you are one of those people who think that your failures are always somebody else's fault. Seriously? How are my standards unrealistic? 1. I will give almost anyone a chance. I went out with every guy who asked me last year except for two. 2. I have few dealbreakers. Really, I should probably have more. 3. I prefer guys less attractive than myself. Link to post Share on other sites
ThaWholigan Posted January 20, 2012 Share Posted January 20, 2012 I'm pretty realistic in that I know that the kind of woman I want to date is just out of my reach currently. Doesn't stop me from dating around anyway, but I relate my ability to date with my current life position, and right now I'm in the process of improving it, albeit from the ground up at the moment. It's a confidence issue in some ways, which I'm conflicted about, I know I have great strengths and abilities, but due to my previous insecurities and my complacency, I have handicapped myself with regards to my dating. Obviously being autistic doesn't help, but that wasn't enough to stop me from progressing before, so I will not use that excuse lol. Honestly, I could date someone I find moderately or somewhat attractive right now, provided I meet their criteria, and be pretty happy with that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author verhrzn Posted January 20, 2012 Author Share Posted January 20, 2012 I'm pretty realistic in that I know that the kind of woman I want to date is just out of my reach currently. Doesn't stop me from dating around anyway, but I relate my ability to date with my current life position, and right now I'm in the process of improving it, albeit from the ground up at the moment. It's a confidence issue in some ways, which I'm conflicted about, I know I have great strengths and abilities, but due to my previous insecurities and my complacency, I have handicapped myself with regards to my dating. Obviously being autistic doesn't help, but that wasn't enough to stop me from progressing before, so I will not use that excuse lol. Honestly, I could date someone I find moderately or somewhat attractive right now, provided I meet their criteria, and be pretty happy with that. Good luck! You've always come across as a very optimistic and thoughtful guy, and I think it's gonna serve you really well. Link to post Share on other sites
Lonely Ronin Posted January 20, 2012 Share Posted January 20, 2012 My standards is that the guy be employed, and be attracted to/like me. So, because my dating life is a failure, does that mean those standards are unrealistic? How exactly should I change them? Date unemployed guys? If your current dating environment is not yielding results, get a new one. Go to a different gym, different bars, different clubs, go out with different friends. Link to post Share on other sites
somedude81 Posted January 20, 2012 Share Posted January 20, 2012 Somedude, because of your personality I would have to say you're going above your league. Sorry, I'm a little confused. You're saying that I have been going above my league? So that I need to lower my standards even more? To what? What do you mean because of my personality? Let me elaborate...in dating women will always want to date outside their league- that means every pretty boy that comes around which is also the reason why so many women date jerks. Also, how am I supposed to stay positive when I keep hearing that women always want to date pretty boys, when I know I am not one? Do you have any idea how it feels to know that nobody wants you? Cmon some dude you know you're good enough for your crush. Just ask her out! Depending on what you consider asking her out, I've either asked her out four times or twenty plus times. And ask out other women. You're not in middles school you can't be getting crush's and all obsessed about one girly you barely know. It is funny that I've been doing this since elementary school. Getting really strong crushes on girls I don't really know. Except that I knew the last two girls I had feelings for fairly well, the most recent one especially. Somedude would never date me. He's got 'standards,' remember, and he'd only drop them to my level as a form of desperation. I not nearly thin or young enough for him. I've dated guys exactly like him in the past, and they've always dumped me for someone hotter once they've gotten their confidence rates up by succeeding with one woman (lucky number one me.) Man, we've dancing around this forever. Honestly V, if I knew you in real life, I would have asked you out a long time ago. You're cute and the hobbies and interests seem like a good match. BTW, how old are you? I'm assuming under 30. Also Feelsgoodman brings up a good point, your attidude it off-putting. I know it must sound hypocritical, especially coming from me, but men don't like angry women. Feminine energy is supposed to be warm, goofy and fun; at least that's what I enjoy the most. Link to post Share on other sites
Feelsgoodman Posted January 20, 2012 Share Posted January 20, 2012 Seriously? How are my standards unrealistic? 1. I will give almost anyone a chance. I went out with every guy who asked me last year except for two. 2. I have few dealbreakers. Really, I should probably have more. 3. I prefer guys less attractive than myself. So happened to all those less attractive guys you went out with? If none of them were willing to give you a chance, you must have a really sh*tty personality... Link to post Share on other sites
somedude81 Posted January 20, 2012 Share Posted January 20, 2012 Hey somedude, believe it or not Dust is trying to wing for you, don't be so uptight Bullsh*t. I don't tolerate disrespect from anybody. Link to post Share on other sites
Anela Posted January 20, 2012 Share Posted January 20, 2012 So happened to all those less attractive guys you went out with? If none of them were willing to give you a chance, you must have a really sh*tty personality... So, again, it's her fault? It couldn't possibly be that the men she's met, have unrealistic standards, and overlooked her in favour of hotter women? Link to post Share on other sites
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