What Are Realistic Expectations In Dating?

[Oxy Moronovich]

Given that the OP stated this back on 5 August, 2011:

 

 

"I Love Sex But Am Afraid Guys Think I'm A Slut

I am 26 years old, and since I became sexually active at 20, I've had five partners. 3 of those partners were committed relationships, 2 of those were not."

 

I'd say the expectations have been pretty realistic. Since becoming sexually active, in six-seven years she's had three committed relationships of six+ months each. For some on these forums, especially some of the male posters, that would be the epitome of success.

 

For myself, if I ask a woman on a date, she's met my expectations for attractiveness. Otherwise, why would I bother? The remaining primary expectation, human decency, is proved or refuted over time. When I look back at every dating situation which has been ended by myself, I ended it simply because the lady could not or would not meet my relatively modest expectation of human decency. That standard applied to both treatment of myself as well as what I observed of her behavior with others. The classic example LS'ers use, generally women, is to watch how a man treats the wait staff at a restaurant. That's what I'm driving at.

 

OP, IMO, your best advice will come from female friends, those with successful relationships, whom you know in real life. You know how to attract men. You've been successful attracting men, as well as growing relationships to a certain point. You're doing something right. Grow that. If you don't have any close female friends, grow those relationships first. The process will transfer over. With same-sex friends, there's no sexual draw and the dealings are arms-length and equitable. No short cuts. Good luck.

So she's had 5 partners since she lost her virginity 6 yrs ago? That is real good compared to many, many dateless men and women I know. 3 outta those 5 men cheated on their girlfriends to have sex with her. And yet she wants us to believe no guy finds her attractive? What more proof do people need that her posts are BS?

[verhrzn]

And the one positive thing that came out of that experience, was my knowledge that the only common denominator in what men are attracted to ... is confidence.

 

Which is why women spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on make-up, good-looking clothing, hair products, plastic surgery and all other beauty accessories.... because it's all about confidence.

[verhrzn]

So she's had 5 partners since she lost her virginity 6 yrs ago? That is real good compared to many, many dateless men and women I know. 3 outta those 5 men cheated on their girlfriends to have sex with her. And yet she wants us to believe no guy finds her attractive? What more proof do people need that her posts are BS?

 

No one cheated on their girlfriend. The guys I didn't date seriously just used me for an ego boost until they found someone they actually wanted to date.

 

I've said it before, and Ill say it again... yeah, I have relationships and partners. But 4 of the 5 dated me only because they were desperate and had no other options. All of them went on to dump me for hotter girls.

 

Now, since that seems to be what I'm attracting (desperate guys who just need me for an ego boost), is that my 'league'?

[Woggle]

Being realistic is when you don't ask for anything more than you are willing to deliver. If you ask for perfection while having tons of flaws you are not being realistic.

[Negative Nancy]

I'd also add that most of that money is spent for fun and/or impress other women.

 

no you got that wrong, it's that men expect women to look a certain way, so women have no other choice but conform to that.

[Dust]

And the one positive thing that came out of that experience, was my knowledge that the only common denominator in what men are attracted to ... is confidence.

 

Yeah no ones going to coax the scared stripper out of the corner. Sex is pretty much a sales thing... but you have to have some kind of base to work with... not that you need much. Verhzn has enough to get what she wants. Good job trying to snap her back to reality... a bit rought though don't you think.

 

Which is why women spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on make-up, good-looking clothing, hair products, plastic surgery and all other beauty accessories.... because it's all about confidence.

 

Women are dumb. Most women don't understand men.

 

I'd also add that most of that money is spent for fun and/or impress other women.

 

Most men are dumb too. And the men who try to understand women are the worst!

 

But yes please stop trying to convince me makeup and high heel shoes only exist because of men. Women push this crap on eachother more then any one. For christ sakes mothers take their baby daughters to get their ears peirced.

 

Yup. That's your league. Your hair is too short and you carry way too much weight in your stomach to be worthy of anything better than being someone's temporary cum dumpster/ ego boost.

 

I mean why would anyone want to be with someone with hair as short as your who weighs 130 pounds (and does not have an hourglass figure), when there are girls out there with perfect skin, flat stomachs, and long hair??? I mean you're not even youthful (women peak in their late teens).

 

ALL guys want model-looking chicks. The ones who can't get them are settling. It is every guys dream to be with a beauty and to settle for average is giving up on that dream (at least temporarily until a hotter girl comes along).

 

Is that the response you are looking for?

 

I can see why you have been dealt so much abuse in the past. It's fun to dish, and usually difficult to find someone begging for it.

 

haha you're such a dick. Now why don't you copy and paste this into some file to save. You can use it on that book you'll never write.

[Anela]

I've ended up in a bad mood, whenever I've been on this board (and stuck mainly to the dating topics). I can relate to the sadness and the bitterness, the fears... but do you know what has made me happy for the past two nights? (and before, but especially the past two.)

 

I know of a girl who some might consider average, because she isn't conventionally pretty (at first), but she has confidence, is extremely smart, very funny, she's independent and was a happy single mother after divorcing her children's dad.. but she met a man that she sees as the best man she knows. They are so very happy, they take care of each other, and are head over heels in love. They've been married for a few years, and are expecting their own child now. she just looks and sounds so happy.

 

Neither one would have this if they'd held out for the hot guy or girl, who ordinarily wouldn't give them the time of day. Neither one is ugly, but I'm not sure they would catch your eye, when compared to those you hear about everyone wanting. They were both interested, but she had to ask him out, because he wasn't making a move.

 

I've been reading Gluten-free girl's book, and what does she talk about near the end of the book? finding the love of her life, on a dating site, when she was ready to give up. he contacted her just before her subscription ran out. She has had me salivating over her food, and she just had me in tears talking about the man she loves, and how they treat each other and love each other. neither one is a model, but they are so very happy now - together.

 

I need to hear more stories like this, right now. I don't even want to date at the moment, and have been using a site to look for friends (although my shyness kicked in). the book I mentioned above, also made me cry because I thought I'd found that - someone I clicked with and was attracted to - but it still makes me happy to know that they found each other.

[Phateless]

This is a topic that always gets touched on when discussing "leagues" or sometimes in the form of accusations as to why someone is single.

 

My question is, how do you determine if your expectations of dating and what you're trying to find in a partner are realistic? How do you determine your "league"? And if what you're asking from a partner is unrealistic, but you can't lower the bar any further then should you just take yourself out of the game?

 

Great topic! It's 12:44am and I'm sick so I won't read the whole thread, so instead I'll just contribute my opinion.

 

My expectations are that they take care of themselves physically, mentally and emotionally, and generally have their act together. I expect open and adult communication, some flexibility, and some give and take.

 

My type is intelligent, quirky, active, fun, sweet, and a little mischievous.

[somedude81]

Given that the OP stated this back on 5 August, 2011:

 

 

"I Love Sex But Am Afraid Guys Think I'm A Slut

I am 26 years old, and since I became sexually active at 20, I've had five partners. 3 of those partners were committed relationships, 2 of those were not."

---------

I'd say the expectations have been pretty realistic. Since becoming sexually active, in six-seven years she's had three committed relationships of six+ months each. For some on these forums, especially some of the male posters, that would be the epitome of success.

I had forgotten about that.

 

The female somedude?

 

Yeah right.

[carhill]

For balance, from reading these forums, it's pretty clear that 'expectations' for men and women are somewhat different when it comes to relationships. Hence, as an example, a lady who has had LTR's and has been validated by men finding her attractive may not *feel* successful because she wants a husband and a child. A man might feel similarly simply because he's being thwarted at every turn, e.g. rejected. Logically, that sounds dissimilar, and IMO it is but, emotionally, the feelings may be similar. That I might point out the logical dissimilarities in no way invalidates the feelings involved. Those are valid. If I disagree, it's with how the emotions are being processed into action and visible perspective. The OP has choices. Try making a different one.

[Els]

Honestly V... your threads are really offensive.

 

By putting yourself down, you are also disrespecting the majority of women who share your predicament of not being "perfect".

 

 

As I have said before, you are a young, educated girl with giant boobs. The world should be your oyster.

 

But your attitude is so disgusting, I'm not surprised no one wants to fcvk you with a 10 foot pole.

 

I don't think it's V's fault, to be honest. I don't agree with her assessments, but IIRC every single man she has dated has been the perfect example of a jackass with regards to women and physical requirements. I can't help but understand how that might possibly lead to some degree of bitterness and unrealistic thoughts about the rest of mankind. I do think it will serve her well to not allow those previous men to affect her so greatly and negatively, though.

[carhill]

I do think it will serve her well to not allow those previous men to affect her so greatly and negatively, though.

 

Great example of a 'choice'. The feelings are valid and she can choose to process them differently. She's in complete control of that process.

[Els]

Also, V, I admit that I was frankly surprised after reading the post that carhill linked. Yes, you -are- representing your troubles with getting men in a rather exaggerated fashion, given your history. It's exactly like somedude claiming he has 'no requirements for a girl'. Why? Is it just to convince yourself?

 

IMO you're a perfectly normal girl as far as dating stats go, you just happened to get a few jerks as bfs instead of good guys. That really does not mean that 'nobody wants you'.

[somedude81]

Sigh, I'm getting really tired of people comparing V to me.

 

There is no comparison. Our lives and experiences are completely different.

 

And of course I have requirements for a GF. Though because of where you live, my requirements appear to be unreasonable, when they are perfectly normal where I do.

[iris219]

For balance, from reading these forums, it's pretty clear that 'expectations' for men and women are somewhat different when it comes to relationships. Hence, as an example, a lady who has had LTR's and has been validated by men finding her attractive may not *feel* successful because she wants a husband and a child. A man might feel similarly simply because he's being thwarted at every turn, e.g. rejected. Logically, that sounds dissimilar, and IMO it is but, emotionally, the feelings may be similar. That I might point out the logical dissimilarities in no way invalidates the feelings involved. Those are valid. If I disagree, it's with how the emotions are being processed into action and visible perspective. The OP has choices. Try making a different one.

 

It very much depends on one’s definition of “success.” You just described me exactly in the bolded. Because my goal is to get married and have children, and that goal has been unattainable thus far, I have been very unsuccessful. My situation, while different, is no less frustrating than a man who has trouble getting a date or sex.

[Els]

Sigh, I'm getting really tired of people comparing V to me.

 

There is no comparison. Our lives and experiences are completely different.

 

And of course I have requirements for a GF. Though because of where you live, my requirements appear to be unreasonable, when they are perfectly normal where I do.

 

SD, you're missing the point. I'm not comparing V to you - of course you're different people. I'm simply saying you both tend to exaggerate a little when it comes to your dating woes.

 

V says that 'she'll be single and alone til her dying day' - upon further probing, we find out that she has had 5 Rs in the space of 6 years. You said that you have 'no requirements for a gf except that she share your hobbies and not be overweight' - upon further probing, we find out that you do indeed have 'other requirements'. This isn't about them being unreasonable. It's about the fact that you perpetually say that you have none when they exist. It is a little misleading to people who genuinely are trying to help or feel empathetic towards you.

Edited January 21, 2012 by Elswyth

[somedude81]

It very much depends on one’s definition of “success.” You just described me exactly in the bolded. Because my goal is to get married and have children, and that goal has been unattainable thus far, I have been very unsuccessful. My situation, while different, is no less frustrating than a man who has trouble getting a date or sex.

And you think that men don't want to get married and have kids?

 

While at this point in my life I don't care about kids, I'm 30 years old and I wish that I would have been married by now. But I have had such extreme problems with dating that it's completely unreasonable to even think about marriage.

 

You would not believe how much of a failure I felt when I was at my 22 year old cousins wedding. I've got a 25 year old cousin getting married in June and I'm considering not going if I don't have a date.

 

SD, you're missing the point. I'm not comparing V to you - of course you're different people. I'm simply saying you both tend to exaggerate a little when it comes to your dating woes.

How am I exaggerating?

 

V says that 'she'll be single and alone til her dying day' - upon further probing, we find out that she has had 5 Rs in the space of 6 years. You said that you have 'no requirements for a gf except that she share your hobbies and not be overweight' - upon further probing, we find out that you do indeed have 'other requirements'. This isn't about them being unreasonable. It's about the fact that you perpetually say that you have none when they exist. It is a little misleading to people who genuinely are trying to help or feel empathetic towards you.

You really think that me having more requirements than not being fat and getting along with me, is the same thing as 'she'll be single and alone til her dying day'?

 

Frankly the only thing we did that was similar was not give the full and complete details. Though I think hiding the fact that she's been in 5 Rs in the space of 6 years is a much bigger revelation than me saying I prefer girls with long hair...

 

BTW, am I simply not allowed to have preferences because I do poorly?

Edited January 21, 2012 by somedude81

[Els]

It is an exaggeration because it makes your situation sound worse and sadder than it actually is - and hers, too.

 

I do think that an exaggeration is an exaggeration, in terms of the deed itself and the possible reasons behind it, regardless of how large or small it was. I did not intend this observation as an attack - rather, that perhaps both of you would benefit from some introspection into WHY you feel the need to exaggerate your woes. That may help you gain some insight into your own mindset.

[somedude81]

Can you please explain how I am exaggerating my woes? I'm just not seeing what you are talking about.

 

To me, my woes are

 

Never having had a GF or anything resembling a relationship.

Never getting further than one date with a girl I liked

Never having sex with a girl I liked. I also haven't even had a FWB or a bootycall.

Only ever kissed one girl

Been rejected by every girl I've ever had feelings for.

I have been hurt by many girls.

 

Those are my woes. Not giving the full and complete details of what I like in a girl is something completely different.

[iris219]

And you think that men don't want to get married and have kids?

 

While at this point in my life I don't care about kids, I'm 30 years old and I wish that I would have been married by now. But I have had such extreme problems with dating that it's completely unreasonable to even think about marriage.

 

You would not believe how much of a failure I felt when I was at my 22 year old cousins wedding. I've got a 25 year old cousin getting married in June and I'm considering not going if I don't have a date.

 

 

How am I exaggerating?

 

You really think that me having more requirements than not being fat and getting along with me, is the same thing as 'she'll be single and alone til her dying day'?

 

Frankly the only thing we did that was similar was not give the full and complete details. Though I think hiding the fact that she's been in 5 Rs in the space of 6 years is a much bigger revelation than me saying I prefer girls with long hair...

 

BTW, am I simply not allowed to have preferences because I do poorly?

 

I never said men didn’t want marriage or children.

 

I know how you feel; I feel like a failure at times too. When I go to weddings, I get teary eyed (and I’m not a crier), and it has nothing to do with the couple getting married. It has to do with how depressed I feel that I may never have a husband (or children). When I hear about someone getting married, I can’t help but think “What’s wrong with me?” or “What am I doing wrong.”

 

It doesn’t help that I don’t know anyone who meet and married for the first time in their 30’s. I feel like married women are in on some secret that I’m clearly not aware of.

 

You can have preferences, but I think you should give women who don’t fit your preferences a chance as well.

[Els]

I was under the impression that your repeated statements of not having any girl despite having no requirements was an expression of woe in itself. Perhaps I was mistaken.

[somedude81]

I never said men didn’t want marriage or children.

 

I know how you feel; I feel like a failure at times too. When I go to weddings, I get teary eyed (and I’m not a crier), and it has nothing to do with the couple getting married. It has to do with how depressed I feel that I may never have a husband (or children). When I hear about someone getting married, I can’t help but think “What’s wrong with me?” or “What am I doing wrong.”

 

It doesn’t help that I don’t know anyone who meet and married for the first time in their 30’s. I feel like married women are in on some secret that I’m clearly not aware of.

 

You can have preferences, but I think you should give women who don’t fit your preferences a chance as well.

I'm sorry Iris, I realized that I should have directed my post at carhill, yours was just the most recent one I read on that subject.

I was under the impression that your repeated statements of not having any girl despite having no requirements was an expression of woe in itself. Perhaps I was mistaken.

An expression of woe in itself? Uh, ok.

 

All I've been trying to say is that my requirements are very lax. No I'm not going to date anybody who has a vagina, but I'm not looking for models either.

 

Even still, the hard requirements I do have, are not nearly as big of a deal as you perceive them to be.

 

Seriously, how unreasonable is it to want a girl that is cute (which most girls are) has a healthy weight/height weight proportionate/no rolls and has shoulder length hair? At my college alone, their are thousands of girls that meet those requirements.

[Els]

Come now, there are more than just those. But let us not harp on that.

 

My point was mostly that I, and probably others as well, am likely to feel sorrier for someone who has NO requirements and still cannot find a partner, than for someone who requires a girl to share his hobbies/live nearby/have long hair/have at least a B-cup/etc. So it was misleading at first to feel sorry for you assuming the former, and then find the latter out. It had me wondering if you were, at least on a subconscious level, trying to make people feel sorry for you. But perhaps I'm overanalyzing.

[ThaWholigan]

Come now, there are more than just those. But let us not harp on that.

 

My point was mostly that I, and probably others as well, am likely to feel sorrier for someone who has NO requirements and still cannot find a partner, than for someone who requires a girl to share his hobbies/live nearby/have long hair/have at least a B-cup/etc. So it was misleading at first to feel sorry for you assuming the former, and then find the latter out. It had me wondering if you were, at least on a subconscious level, trying to make people feel sorry for you. But perhaps I'm overanalyzing.

 

That's not his problem IMO.

 

I know for a fact that my "requirements" (not a fan of that term, sounds cold) are not what holds me back, as much as my confidence and attitude towards dating and life in general. I find that they fluctuate at a great deal, and at inopportune times aswell, and it is only until I get past that issue will I completely get to the point where I can successfully date without fearing the outcome or depending on the outcome in any fashion.

 

This is also Somedude's problem. His lack of confidence is holding him back and affecting his attitude, and he exacerbates this problem by attributing this to his lack of dating experiences. Whether it is true or not, he should try and recondition himself to not believe this is so, and once he short circuits this particular mode of thinking, he will find that he will start to try more, even if he still lacks a little bit of confidence, much in the way that I have. I talk to girls more often and try to be a bit more daring, even though I'm still not doing as good as I would like. But if I can do this stuff, Somedude can do it too, he just needs to find a way to rediscover where his lack of confidence truly lies.

[veggirl]

OP, I can totally understand your frustrations and I sympathize with you. Not having a successful relationship is a failure in your eyes, is what I gather. That sucks, of course. And yes, it is BEYOND annoying how the guys on this forum think any female who isn't totally butt-ugly has men fawning over her the second she opens her front door. :rolleyes: I think I am pretty, have a nice body, long hair, blah blah blah, but have never had guys tripping over themselves or waiting in line for their chance at me, lol. The desperate guys on this board might wait in line for a halfway decent chick, but most normal guys don't do that or NEED to do that.

 

I have vaguelly followed your threads, I don't think your expectations are too high at all. I think you would be the gal who will give more than she expects in return TBH. Do you OLD? I haven't followed closely enough to know all the details, so I apologize.