My first time asking for advice

[Daygo]

OK, let me try this again...I wrote what seemed like a book, for it not to show up due to computer error. This is the first time I've done anything like this. My wife and I meet in college, and when I first meet her I thought she was the most beautiful woman in the world. She was sexy, sinful, and seductive. We dated for several years before we married, during that time it was HOT, HOT, HOT. She was the perfect completetion to my life. We had passion and lust, and our sex life was wild (pictures, video, toys, other women). Then she started to put weight on (115 to 180+), I was an athlete and worked out 6 days a week. She lost a bit of the weight, but unfortunately i've never found her to be as attractive as she one was.

 

Then we got married, and our sex life has always been alright. Since we first meet I have always had a flirty personality and wondering eye. I'm always pointing out beautiful women, and she tolerates this, but on occasion, she can't take it, so I back off. She doesn't trust me and assumes I've had affairs in our 10+ year relationship (I never have). She gets upset with me because I look at too much porn on the Internet...but to be honest, I would rather look at porn on the net and masturbate, than to make love to my wife. She thinks I have an addiction.

 

My wife two disease that affect her daily living. One is skin disease and the other is physically debilitating. I love her for who she is (hard worker, great mother, nice person), but I am having problems with her physical appearance and abilities. We also recently had our first child (6 months old), he was planned because we aren't getting any younger (both 30). Now I worry that I am staying in the relationship for the wrong reasons. It was recently been brought to my attention that she has an addiction to prescription medications. She says it's to numb her pain from our marriage. To add insult to injury, I am a physician. We live in NY,NY but are originally from San Diego. She hates it here, and is lonely, but due to my medical education and training, we have to stay here for a few more years.

 

I feel shallow, but I am unhappy...what do we do?

[Moose]

Are you sure you didn't drive her into the condition she's in? Sounds to me that you've belittled her without you even knowing it.

 

As a physician, I'm surprised that you don't do your civic duty to get her off the perscription drugs......have you forgotten your oath?

 

Realize this, ( After my wife explained it to me a second ago ), every time you point out a nice looking lady or sexy woman, you are knocking your own wife down a peg. ( Even though she's still the hottest in my eyes even after 16 years )

 

You two met while you both were in these wild sex parties and experimenting with different lifestyles, you two should have figured out what you both wanted out of life before hand.

 

Also, what about your child? What you decide will affect this child for the rest of his/her life. Yes, to me you sound shallow, your whole post was me, me, me. I say this because you are bragging about working out all the time so you look ok, that you have a flirty personality

and you've always been that way, ( think about her watching all of this ), and you're thinking she should put up with it.

 

Another thing I don't understand is that she has some physical limitations, she's a great mother, hard worker and a nice person......what's the matter with you man? There are wive's out there that couldn't give a care about their husband or family, count yourself a lucky man, you vowed until death do you part.....live up to it.....communicate your feelings to her and help her out as much as you POSSIBLY can.... Don't degrade her pointing out the hot women or trying to get back to the way it used to be....this is here and now....deal with it.....

 

Good Luck

Moose

[Daygo]

Moose,

 

Thank you for your honesty. My wife started going to NA meetings, and she has been clean for a few weeks, and we think she can beat this.

[alkn]

Hey Daygo,

 

Yeah, first off you screwed up some. You probably are at least partially responsible for your wife putting on the weight. But that’s OK, you can fix this.

 

First thing I would say is you have to resolve to fix this, and let your wife know. Tell her you screwed up, but you’re going to do everything in your power to make up for it, and then stick to it. THEN talk to her about what bothers you. Let her know that the weight bothers her, and that you would like her to lose some. But be realistic. If she was around 150 would that be better for you? Again, ask her if she would try to lose weight, don’t demand it. If it’s the food you guys are eating, both of you change your eating habits. If it’s a lack of exercise, both of you exercise. And you don’t pick the activity. You find an activity she enjoys and YOU do it with her.

 

And you fix your **** ups. Tell her how beautiful she is everyday. Find something to compliment her on. Don’t lie, but find something. Do you like her eyes? How about her hair or her lips. There has to be something. Call her at work just to tell you that you love her. A lot of that weight sounds like depression. You need to fix that. If you start going out of your way to make her happy, she’ll go out of her way to make you happy. That’s how life works man.

 

And you need to stop talking about other women and START paying attention to her again. That means quit wacking your pud and start screwing your wife. Right now there is no incentive for her to lose weight and get in shape. You need to provide that incentive. I said incentive, not threats or intimidation.

 

Don’t feel bad about wanting to have a wife who is in reasonably good shape. Just don’t expect her to have the body of a 22 year old as she gets older and after children.

 

Shame on you Monday. The guy comes here being honest about something that bothers him, and he wants to fix it. You attack him when you could probably have given him the most insite into what’s going on in his wife’s head. If you don’t want to be a part of the solution that’s cool, but don’t be a part of the problem. It’s a damn shame what your husband does, but don’t project those feelings onto others.. .

 

Also remember, this is free advice so you get what you pay for.

[FolderWife]

alkn is exactly right. Being good to your wife, and making her feel good about herself is the number one way to make her want to look better.

 

Here's a side note: Some man on here once admitted that when he looked at porn, he didn't desire his wife as much. I know this to be fact, because when my husband looked at porn, he couldn't make love to me, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with me. When my husband looks at porn, he picks at my appearance.

 

I guarantee that if you vow to never look at porn again for three months, you'd desire your wife again. You'd start desiring the real thing, and you'd start to see the real beauty in her. Porn clouds the vision towards women. You see women with huge boobs (fake ones) and perfect skin (airbrushed) who'll get in any position (paid WELL for it) and will do anything with any guy (again, paid WELL for it) then you look at your 180 pound wife, who only gets in missionary (because...she's had kids, and chased them around all day, and her back probably hurts) and you make her feel worthless in bed (because you aren't turned on by her, because she's not airbrushed, plus you couldn't get off if you wanted to, because you are well satisfied from whacking) so she gets depressed, and gains weight, which gives you (you think) every right to whack off to porn.

 

I'm pretty. I'm no porn model though. My husband looks at porn, and doesn't get turned on by me, and doesn't get satisfied in bed with me. If I throw out his porn *when I find it* he gets turned on by me fully clothed. He can get off on sex!...wooooow... he compliments me, and from the glint in his eye, I know he means it.

 

I honestly think porn may be the sole problem here. Once you get rid of porn, you'll start to see beauty, and sexiness in your wife. Then, she'll stop being so depressed. Then, she may make an effort to lose weight. Then, you may get everything you want and more

 

I asked my husband flat out one time to compliment me more. I agreed to give him oral pleasures on every day he didn't hurt my feelings.

 

It's working.

 

If you could genuinely desire your wife, a lot of your problems would probably go away. Her weight might not bother you, if you could see her for the beautiful woman she is. I have a friend who's 200 pounds...she used to be 115. She is so bubbly and beautiful, and her husband still treats her like he thinks she's the sexiest woman on earth.

 

Just try to give up porn. Three months out of the course of your life is not going to kill you. See if that helps your marriage. If it doesn't, just go back to porn. Give it a fair try though.

 

And DEFINATELY do what alkn said...EVERYTHING alkn said.

 

I apologize for my loss of sanity yesterday, and I appreciate the mod who deleted it. I will try to keep my head about me, and realize that his board is here to help people, and not a place for me to vent my frustration, fear, and sadness. Anger is not an emotion that anyone should feel.

[FreeMe]

Originally posted by Daygo

but to be honest, I would rather look at porn on the net and masturbate, than to make love to my wife.

 

 

UGH!! Do you think she doesn't realize that? That must make her feel like the most disgusting woman alive. No wonder she needs to deaden her pain - I don't blame her. You are permanently damaging her - believe me, I know. I had a boyfriend who, although not into porn because it wasn't so available at the time (no internet), would only screw me from behind (if at all), wouldn't look at me, in fact, wouldn't even do it while I was awake. I would wake to find him behind me trying to enter. Other times, he'd back away if I even tried to give him a kiss goodnight or sometimes even tell me to get away from him. Then in public he'd stare at every other attractive women like he wanted to carry her off then and there. I felt like I must be the most disgusting creature. I'm still dealing with the fallout from this 20 years later.

 

What you're doing may not be as intentionally vicious as what that freak did to me, but you're killing her inside all the same.

 

Please have some mercy and stop hurting her like that.

[Karlise13]

I heard this once about women and I think it's true:

 

When we're getting lots of bedroom action, we tend to crave more and more.

 

The less we get, the less focused on sex we are. When there's a dry spell, we switch into 'off' mode and couldn't care less about it for a while.

 

So there's the rub.

 

You're not giving her any sexual attention so likely, her desire for you has decreased. You're not giving her positive feedback about what you DO like about her, so her self-esteem has sunk lower and lower. God, the WORST thing in the world is to be compared to other women.

 

I mean, seriously. Would you like to hear about past boyfriends with bigger di**s and more sexual prowess? Please....

 

i'd get into marriage counseling pronto

[Moose]

I don't agree with Karlisle on the women and sex thing....I look at it this way.....to turn men on it's just one switch, with women it about 13 switches, 9 dials, a couple sliding bars, a huge circuit breaker, a power plant bogging down, lights going dim....then regaining and she's ready to go. Women have to be in the right mood at the right time.

 

But yes, he needs to find out what he used to desire in his wife and use that to start building her back up.....get to work buddy or your fired!!!

[Karlise13]

Well, you ARE kind of agreeing with me in a way.....

 

 

For guys, it's a pretty short route to turn-on city, so they're generally in that state most of the time (there ARE exceptions however, trust me)

 

For women, we usually (and yes, there ARE exceptions here too!) require a little more; an emotional connection, some laughter, etc. Yeah, all those 'knobs and dials and switches' you're referring too....

 

The longer we're emotionally neglected, the less likely we're really going to care about the physical aspect of things. As the physical aspect withers away, we tend to find ourselves longing for connection.

 

Hey, don't get me wrong; women get horny too and there are times I've wanted nothing more than a good rough roll in the hay.

 

But when we're fed up with a relationship and how it's going, we'll usually seek out someone we can 'TALK TO'

 

Ooooh! That gets all the knobs and switches turned back on PRONTO!

[neptoon]

I have to add my two cents here.

 

Attractiveness is also reflective of the way one partner treats another.

 

I've had a lover once when I was with an ex-bf many years ago. My bf at the time treated me like crap and made me feel terrible about myself. He put me down all the time with belittling comments. I thought myself ugly.

 

Then along came this man who told me I was beautiful and the look in his eyes made me think he was telling the truth about what he thought. He made me feel beautiful and more sensuous than I ever felt in my entire life. Men began turning their heads everywhere.

 

It had nothing to do with my actual physical appearance and more to do with how alive he made me feel. From there, I began re-building my life from the abusive relationship I was in and I eventually left my ex-bf and the guy.