should I win her back?

[c0nfuzd]

for those that want the history of my situation read here

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t297412/

(it's a long read, and not sure it matters at this point)

 

to sum it up, married 10 years with 2 kids; 8 months ago she said she no longer loves me and since then I been in the doghouse for emotionally abusing her while being a drug addict (weed, mushrooms, LSD)

 

I've cleaned up my act in the process and really thought I had a chance at winning her back (no more drugs, no more emotional abuse , a good father to the children, and do everything the W asks)

 

about a week ago I find out that she is having an A with her boss; I find emails where she is pouring her heart out about her love for him and their future together; she goes as far as saying that if she got pregnant with his baby, she's not sure what the last name would be on the birth certificate but would hope it's his (unfrickinbelievable)....to top it all off, I find pics of the 2 of them naked

 

until I showed her the pics and emails, she consistently lied that there was nothing between the 2 of them, that "it's not like that"....

 

now I should mention that she is a shell of her old self; I can honestly say I don't recognize this woman anymore; I understand fully why this happened; the boss/Casanova was always there when she couldn't take it anymore with me at home; he was her crying shoulder and of course one thing lead to another; she always said they were good friends from many years ago; but I always told her it's not normal to have a friendship with her boss....that it's professionally a conflict of interest; so all these years I had my doubts and culminated with my discovery a week ago; their relationship has been/was going on for at least 1 year (as far as I can see from her emails)....she swears up and down that it's over between them but can I really believe her?

 

I don't believe her because of the many lies she told me to my face up until I showed her the pics/emails; her excuse as to why she wouldn't admit it is that she was embarassed; she says she doesn't know what she wants for our future but other times she says she wants to make it work for the sake of the kids

 

I read the book Surviving an Affair which clearly outlines how to sever her A; when I told her about it she seemed to want to comply initially but then realized that I was invading her privacy and that it was too much...and above all that I needed to trust her LMFAO...

 

at this point I feel like I am not making any progress; do I give her an ultimatum or do I wait a little bit longer?

 

as an example, she always says she doesn't spend enough time with the kids, yet tonight she is at a hockey game and her boss is one of the many company peeps attending; I tried to tell her that she needs to stay away from him everywhere she goes; she said she would come home if that is what I wanted her to do; she doesn't understand what is wrong with all this; she seems to make no effort and feels no remorse for what she has done; I however, have spent the last 8 months showing her how remorseful I am; I've asked her to quit her job so that she no longer works under him but she won't do it because she recently got promoted and wants time in that position for experience purposes; it's like she doesn't care about fixing us and her career is more important (she is the bread winner btw)

 

should I just walk away? I live in a no-fault state so adultery won't make a dent in the assets splitting or custody; I love my kids more than her at this point lol and if we do separate, I won't be seeing them anymore as I would have to move to the big city and no longer have a car; this is what tears me apart....at the same time, I feel that she is using me to take care of them while she continues her lifestyle unimpeded

Edited January 20, 2012 by c0nfuzd

[c0nfuzd]

I told her from the beginning and many times after that if she's in love with another man, to let me know so I can move on

 

so when I confronted her with the evidence and asked her why she didn't tell me about OM, she said it was because of the kids....she wants me around for them (and cleaning the house, paying the mortgage and utilities and doing everything she says I'm sure she doesn't mind either)

 

I feel so betrayed at this point and I still feel like she is lying to me....just waiting for my keylogger to work its magic

 

I told her if I catch her one more time, we are done

 

the question is why am I trying to work this out? my therapist thinks it's because I like the stability of the life we have and I am afraid to be on my own for the first time in 15 years....possible; I think a lot of it has to do with the kids....I wanna be around and if I leave, I most definitey won't be seeing them as much (once a week if I am lucky)...but more importantly, I still love this woman despite what she has done to me....part of me still believes that we can fix it all, but I know that I am being naive

 

one change I will be implementing right away is to be around her and the kids on the weekend; normally she doesn't want me around as she claims it's her time with them....whatever; I know that several times she has dropped off the kids at her mom's so that she can spend the day with OM...she's been so deceptive it's gonna take a lot to make me trust her again

Edited January 20, 2012 by c0nfuzd

[SoulStorm]

Your wife is right now at a hockey game where the OM is?

How naive are you going to be?

She is with him right now and sending you a smoke screen that she will come home if you want...she shouldn't have went in the first place.

You're being played.

[stopdropandroll]

There's no point in you working on reconciliation while the affair is still going on. She isn't being honest with you. I think you're right in your assessment that she's comfortable having you around to take care of the kids and you're comfortable where you're at as well. Change is hard but in your case you need to take a good hard look at things and decide what's best for your and your kids.

[Steen719]

 

about a week ago I find out that she is having an A with her boss; I find emails where she is pouring her heart out about her love for him and their future together; she goes as far as saying that if she got pregnant with his baby, she's not sure what the last name would be on the birth certificate but would hope it's his (unfrickinbelievable)....to top it all off, I find pics of the 2 of them naked

 

How old were the emails?

 

at this point I feel like I am not making any progress; do I give her an ultimatum or do I wait a little bit longer?

 

What are you waiting for? I am not being sarcastic; I just don't see what are you thinking will be different. She is not remorseful, has lied to you for who knows how long, talked with OM about having a child with him, shared naked pics, still works with OM and on and on. I don't see any choice with what you are faced with. Maybe someone else will see this differently, but I would see what you could do to be able to see your kids as much as you can, but she seems to have already left your marriage behind, for whatever reasons.

 

 

I don't think you can trust someone who is not concerned whether you trust her or not. I know it is hard to think about leaving, but what kind of life can you have when she is still not being honest with you?

[SimonMas]

Hi c0nfuzd,

 

It has been a while since I visited LS. When I saw your name in “New Posts”, I knew I have to read your postings. I remember your story well. I recall that you have changed and worked really hard to win back your wife and marriage. If I recall you were no angel yourself when you were taking substances before that positive transformation in your life.

 

The first thing you need to decide is whether you are willing to fight for your wife and marriage or just leave the marriage and move on. Actually, if you look at it (I know this may sound silly) but this incident could well be a blessing in disguise! Remember, when you were doing all the good things (by the way, please continue doing it as it is for your own self improvement and no else), you were in an unequal bargaining position with your wife in spite of your efforts. In other words, your wife had an upper hand as she saw you as the person who caused the break up and you were now paying for it and had no say in the marriage. Now that she has created a bigger mess for herself, you are now in a higher bargaining position or at least equal with her. You can actually use her A to your advantage in making the marriage work if you so wish. Don’t let her put the guilt on you about invasion of her privacy. I believe there are a number of threads which talked about this and some of them have some good response that you can use on her.

 

Your common interest with your wife is the love for your children. Use that as a catalyst to work on your marriage. Remember, the children should not be victims here no matter what your decision is. When the time is right, perhaps in the MC, you can lay it out to your wife that you have done some wrong in the past. You have realized your mistakes and you have worked hard to improve yourself for yourself and for the family. I think she will agree with you if what you have been posting is true. You can say that if you are willing to do it, so can she but ultimately she has to decide whether she wants the marriage or otherwise and the same goes to you. I wish you luck.

[SimonMas]

Another thing which I want to add is that normally when a spouse cheated (EA & PA), I tend to support separation and eventually a divorce if the spouse does not show remorse. However, in your case, you need to consider what drove your wife to act the way she did? Was it your past behavior? Those are the things which I will take into account when making a decision.

[seibert253]

When you're on the outside looking in, (as we are), it's crystal clear what's going on:

 

1. Your WW is unremorseful

2. She's done nothing to repair the damage she's inflicted to you and your M

3. She refuses transparency

4. She refused to end all contact with OM, (quit her job)

5. SHE'S AT A HOCKEY GAME WITH THE OM, but you should just trust her that nothing's going on.

 

Ray Charles can see her A continues. I really hope you are not so blind to see what's happening here.

 

Hate to be so blunt, but come on dude, get your head out of your A##.

You may think you've worked your butt off to save your M, but in reality you've done little, if nothing.

 

You've set no boundries, you've made no demands, what have you done?

 

I'm sorry to take such a tough approach, but I get so pissed off when a good guy, (you), allows a wh#re to walk all over him, just for the sack of attempting to save your M. There comes a time when you need to stand up for yourself and say I'm not taking this sh#t anymore.

You mad yet? You should be.

You've tried the "love her back into the M". As Dr. Phil says, how's that workin for you?

 

You know why her A continues, because she hasn't been smacked back to reality. There are two time tested things that help do that:

1. Inform and AP's spouse what's going on

2. Retain an Attorney, and file D papers.

 

Is your WW's boss M'd. How about cluing the other BS in on what's going on. I'll bet the farm that when his W puts the smackdown on him, he'll throw your WW under the bus so fast she won't have time to blink.

No more OM, no more fairytale love affair, then you add a nice set of fresh D papers on top of it. BAMMM. Instant reality crash.

 

This is your hailmary pass to the endzone. If that doesn't work, then follow through with D.

 

You deserve better.

[seibert253]

Another thing which I want to add is that normally when a spouse cheated (EA & PA), I tend to support separation and eventually a divorce if the spouse does not show remorse. However, in your case, you need to consider what drove your wife to act the way she did? Was it your past behavior? Those are the things which I will take into account when making a decision.

 

Ohh no my friend, IMO you're dead wrong.

 

No one "drove her" into the A. It was her CHOICE. She CHOSE to engage in this behavior. NOTHING her H did justifies what she did.

[c0nfuzd]

thanks all for the replies....

 

well, if it couldn't get any worse....it just did; she's asked me to leave the house for 2 months to see if she "misses" me.......the final insult; then, after 2 months I am not sure I understand what would happen if she still doesn't "miss" me

 

this is what I get for exposing her A, and for asking her to put an end to it

 

8 months of sleeping in the basement, giving her all the space she needed was not enough for her to decide if she misses me; and I can see why, she was engaging in an A the entire time

 

so I don't know what to do......I can't just move into an apartment for 2 months; it's usually a year lease

[leedlee1]

Is the house deeds / contract in both names??

 

If so you will be very foolish to move out, she made this mess if she wants space then she must be the one who goes!!

[stillafool]

How can you win her back when you know she is in love with another man. She has said this. Leave her alone and stop asking her back.

[RobD70]

thanks all for the replies....

 

well, if it couldn't get any worse....it just did; she's asked me to leave the house for 2 months to see if she "misses" me.......the final insult; then, after 2 months I am not sure I understand what would happen if she still doesn't "miss" me

She is doing this because she wants to continue the A, she wants you out of the picture to be with him. This 2 months thing is to give you the impression she is thinking about saving the M but its a lie like everything else she has told you.

 

This also means she most likely talked with the OM that night.

 

this is what I get for exposing her A, and for asking her to put an end to it

No, this would have happened anyway.

 

8 months of sleeping in the basement, giving her all the space she needed was not enough for her to decide if she misses me; and I can see why, she was engaging in an A the entire time

Correct, you were actually enabling her to have the A by being her backup plan in case it didn't work out with the OM. She can't miss you if you are still in the same house.

 

so I don't know what to do......I can't just move into an apartment for 2 months; it's usually a year lease

You need to step up and stop letting her control everything. From her point of you, you've been acting weak and pathetic by allowing her to cheat on you with NO consequences. People don't walk on you unless you let them.

 

You need to take control of your life back. The facts are this: She has NO interests in saving your marriage, she wants the OM and there's NOTHING you can do to change her mind.

 

You need to work with the assumption that its over and you are getting a divorce and move with that ASAP. Screw 2 months, get an apartment with a 6-12 month lease because you ain't going back (or better yet, kick her out). File for a divorce and let her know its over and you have no intentions of saving the marriage anymore.

 

Then you'll be acting like a man with self-respect and she will start to change her tune.

 

She will not give up the OM and want you again until she thinks you stop caring for her and give up on her. You have to reject her and she has to come back on her hands and knees begging for you to give her another chance. That's the ONLY way a R will ever work.

 

Stop letting her toy with you, YOU make the decisions now, not her. You've been letting her play you all this time and it has to stop TODAY!

[Michael30]

thanks all for the replies....

 

well, if it couldn't get any worse....it just did; she's asked me to leave the house for 2 months to see if she "misses" me.......the final insult; then, after 2 months I am not sure I understand what would happen if she still doesn't "miss" me

 

this is what I get for exposing her A, and for asking her to put an end to it

 

8 months of sleeping in the basement, giving her all the space she needed was not enough for her to decide if she misses me; and I can see why, she was engaging in an A the entire time

 

so I don't know what to do......I can't just move into an apartment for 2 months; it's usually a year lease

 

I'm so sorry for what happened to you. All I can say is that she has brought this on herself. Don't let her attempt to make you feel guilty.

 

And why the f*ck are YOU sleeping in the basement while she's sleeping in that nice warm bed? That's just wrong to not give her any consequence for the enormous amount of permanent damage she has done to your marriage. You put her so high on the pedestal, when she has done absolutely nothing to deserve such treatment. You have to stop feeling sorry for yourself and recognize there's light at the end of the tunnel, but you won't get there unless you start moving your feet.

 

She has some balls to ask you to move out. I hope you know the real reason why she wants you gone? If she wants her new boy toy then pack her sh*t for her and tell her to move her ass out.

 

You're just asking for more pain if you don't divorce her.

[LilMissMovinOn]

thanks all for the replies....

 

well, if it couldn't get any worse....it just did; she's asked me to leave the house for 2 months to see if she "misses" me.......the final insult; then, after 2 months I am not sure I understand what would happen if she still doesn't "miss" me

 

this is what I get for exposing her A, and for asking her to put an end to it

 

8 months of sleeping in the basement, giving her all the space she needed was not enough for her to decide if she misses me; and I can see why, she was engaging in an A the entire time

 

so I don't know what to do......I can't just move into an apartment for 2 months; it's usually a year lease

 

1. Make it clear tht u will take what u r entitled to in marital assests wen it comes to D. (The kids will need a roof over their heads wen they stay w u too!)

 

2. Tell yr W tht if she is not willing to quit her job (grantd w time to look for another b.4 giving notice) tht YOU are deciding to move out for a 6 mth minimum / extending to possible permanent time frame.

 

3. If boss is in a committed r.ship elsewhere insist tht YOU inform boss' BS. (U cant trust either of them to do this - in fact opposite)

 

3. Get a cheap place w a 6 mth lease if needed. Preferrably though given she is the one having the A, get yr W to move out, instead of you. Remember, this is the woman who was going to let u relinquish all maritsl assets knowing full well she betrayed the M w a third party, not you...

 

4. Assess whether or not to bother getting M.C on yr W's responses to these actions.

 

PS To the guy who called the W a 'wh*re', take yr misogynist crap elsewhere. OP's neglect, drug abuse & emotional abuse might not excuse his W's error but she is only human...

Edited January 20, 2012 by LilMissMovinOn

[turnera]

DO NOT MOVE OUT OF THE HOUSE!

 

In case you didn't get it, DO NOT MOVE OUT OF THE HOUSE!

 

That is the ABSOLUTE WORST THING you can do at this point.

 

You should be steaming mad at her, and here you are wringing your hands hoping she won't dump you. Get mad and STAY mad!

 

Women can NOT love a man they don't respect. She spent all night telling her OM about you catching them, and they together decided to kick you out of the house. That way, they can tell everyone the MARRIAGE ended, so they have every right to date.

 

Have you told his wife yet?

[stillafool]

 

Women can NOT love a man they don't respect.

 

So true. I heard someone say yesterday, "If someone has respect for you love is always possible, but without respect love will leave." I think this is very true.

[c0nfuzd]

no I have not told his wife yet....I don't want it to play into my W's hands whereby those 2 divorce and my W and OM end up 2getherok, I will not move out of the housethanks guys/gals for all your input....keep it coming

[turnera]

Telling the wife is part of your exposure plan. You can't work on your marriage, she won't hear you, until OM is out of the picture. That will require exposing it to HER family and HIS wife. Saying you can't tell her because you are afraid it will push the two together is a chicken way to live your life. Sorry, but it is. You can't manipulate her into staying with you. You need to stand up to her cheating once you get the evidence you need (and you already have it) by telling her to stop committing adultery. If she refuses, you then tell her parents/siblings/best friend and ask them to talk to her and let her know they won't accept her behaving this way. You also tell HIS wife so she pulls back on him and makes it harder for him to be around your wife. And then you keep up the pressure by not allowing her to cheat in your presence (calls, etc.) or in front of the kids, and you make it clear you WILL file for divorce if she doesn't stop, and you will fight to get the kids to keep them away from her immoral behavior. Yes, you had your issues, but you have STOPPED them; she hasn't.

 

She needs you to be hardline on this, ok?

[c0nfuzd]

alright I will see how I can make contact with OM's W....W's parents are aware of the whole situation.........I just informed W that she can move out to her parents' house or go to her sister's place for next 2 months so she can sort out what it is she wants...that I won't leave the house and wish to spend these last 2 months with our kids

no reply yet...

[turnera]

Something I just saw on another forum on this topic:

 

Sit her down and have a discussion with her.

No need to be mad, angry, *********, [bleep!] on anything,

keep it calm, light but straight forward, direct to the point, etc. Don't make it last more than a few minutes.

 

You tell her trust is based on actions that are consistent.

 

You don't trust her because she hasn't been consistent.

 

You don't trust her because she's been lying to you, in fact you tell her that is what you trust her to continue doing, because she has been lying to your consistently - that's what you can trust.

 

For you to be able to trust her, she has to build trust.

Sure you can trust her blindly and have faith and all that good stuff but honestly how well has that worked up to this point?

 

Don't ask for for full disclosure.

 

Do the opposite.

 

Tell her this:

 

"... I don't want your cell phone records, I don't want to look at your cell phone text msg's and call history, I don't want your email or fb password, I don't want your voicemail pw. If I have to monitor you 24/7 to force you to be consistent, that won't work for me because that's not what I want or need.

 

I wanted you to be trustworthy but I don't need you to be anything, truth be told, I'll be just fine without you, I see that now.

 

From now on I'm moving in this direction, if you want to come along, go ahead, I won't control you and tell you that can or can't come but I can't wait for you anymore and you already know that if you're with the OM, you aren't with me, I'm not settling for anything less than that.

 

If you really want to be with the OM, I really can't say or do anything to stop that and you should be with him if you're willing to lie so much to me, if you can't be true to me that means he's more important to you than I am and you know what... I'm ok with that because I'm more important to me and that's all that matters - I see that now.

 

If you wanted to be with me, you knew that you had alot of trust to rebuild and that's only through consistent action and I'm through with pressuring you to be my wife, I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me and that's pretty much what it looks like to me so let's stop playing games: you go and be with the OM, I'm ok with that, in fact I'm better than OK, I'm awesome because I'm finally being honest with myself about all of this and that includes being honest about who you are and where you are right now. I know what I'm worth and I've been settling for less for too long.

 

I can't wait for you anymore, I've spent enough time waiting for you to do the right thing and I know that doesn't work because I would probably have to wait forever and still not get what I wanted. So you can do what you want, be with the OM, I hope he makes you happy and I'm going to start wanting something better for me."

 

 

No being mean, spiteful, vindictive, you let her go.

No more discussions, arguments, no more talks about lies, no more sneaking around behind your back, she can do what she wants but you are letting her go to do what she wants to do but at the same time, you are now allowing yourself to be free of this crappy limbo place you've been living in for so long.

 

Bro, if she wants to be with you, she'll be with you, no amount of a$$ kissing, sneaking, snooping, being mean, angry, standing tall, etc. is going to change that.

 

You be the best gosh darn example of a MAN for you and for you only. If she wants this great MAN that you are in her life, she'll pursue you and do what it takes to be a part of that.

 

You need to respect yourself first, that's the first step and letting go of your wife her untrustworthy ways to establish that your self-respect, dignity and integrity are the most important things in your life is what you NEED and WANT to do. You know what you're worth, go out and get what you're worth and let go of the things that are worthy of you - starting feeling your personal value, know it, resonate with it, live it. You are worth better than what she is giving you right now, if you don't set that boundary, you'll allow her to do this to you forever and who could respect that?

 

Otherwise continue playing this game and you'll be playing this chase & pursue game, pushing & pulling for the rest of your life.

 

Time to get off the merry go round, this ride isn't that fun anymore.

 

 

“What is DBing?”

 

Do you think the WAS will be attracted to someone who wouldn't move on with their life and would just stay and wait till they came back to them? Is that attractive? When you move on with your life, when you show them that you value your life just as much as you valued there life, it shows them you're a strong, confident person - those are attractive traits. When you stop holding on to them and let go and move on with your life and whatever that brings you including possibly dating new people, it shows the WAS that you are no longer a backup plan or option in their eyes, if you stay behind and wait for them to come back to you, they will always know that they can take their time coming back if they even want to come back, you give them the power of choice over your life, again not attractive. When you remove yourself as an option in their life, they don't have that choice anymore, you've taken back control of your life which is attractive because think about the qualities you're displaying with this action: confident, secure, ambitious, taking a leadership role in your life again, etc. You're not the backup plan anymore for them, the WAS is then faced with the reality that you aren't there waiting anymore, you're moving on with your life, and if their new relationship isn't working out and they were considering coming back, this generates fear of loss on their part and makes them reconsider their current actions.

 

That's DB'ing.

 

What isn't DB'ing?

 

Hanging in there,

writing long letters & emails,

text message "terrorism" (where you text them non stop),

begging, pleading, grovelling for love,

giving them books and articles and telling them they should feel different and they should love you,

telling them that they took marriage vows and they have to stick it out even if the marriage is horrible in their point of view,

moving out of the master bedroom,

moving out of the home to "give them space",

being sad and acting depressed,

etc. etc. etc.

 

None of these things is attractive,

none of these things is going to bring your WAS back home.

 

Is the method that I'm describing fool proof, NO.

Is it 100% successful, NO.

You show me any divorce busting method that is 100% successful all the time, it doesn't exist.

 

Some relationships can't be fixed for whatever reason, the other person may be at a point in their life where they really want something new & different regardless of how shortsighted that point of view may be.

 

But they moved on with their life.

They had an affair and found someone new.

And how did you respond when they did these things?

You started working on yourself to show them that you could change, on top of that maybe you started working out and buying new clothes to make yourself look more attractive physically. You started getting a life to show them that you're an attractive individual with options in your life. You did all these things when they moved on and chose to end the relationship. You did all these things because they moved on. They discovered they had options and when a person has options they become more attractive to other people. When a WAS leaves their marriage and starts dating other people, maybe having an affair with someone new and starts a new relationship all the while knowing that they have you in the background should they decide to ever come back, they know they have options. That makes them attractive to you because you were busting your butt trying to get them back and then trying different techniques to get their attention, etc.

 

In my opinion, why not try doing some of the same things the WAS does, it certainly works on you and every other LBS on these forums so there seems to be a common effect being displayed here. The person who leaves makes the decision to leave on their own. When you originally started seeing each other and dating, you BOTH chose to do that, you would BOTH choose to go out to restaurants, movies, parks, do activities together, etc. When you considered getting married, you BOTH chose to do this and planned out how it would happen. When a person leaves a marriage to pursue other people, dating, have an affair, etc. THEY are making the CHOICE on their own, they aren't making that choice with you. They are taking all the power in the relationship and choosing to do what they want and the LBS is left behind powerless. How do you change that dynamic? How do you reclaim some of the power in the relationship? How do you make a WAS reconsider their actions?

 

[c0nfuzd]

great post turnera...thanks for that

 

I told her she can do whatever she wants from here on, because I am done....I am done chasing after her, I am done with this M....I have officially given up and thrown in the towel; there is nothing more that I can do on my end; I thought I could run after her forever but the last 2 weeks which included me finding out the A and then subsequently being thrown out from my own home, proved too much; I am human after all and I could only handle so much

 

I know I could have been a better husband and a better father, but I didn't deserve this fate; what she did was more cruel and if she wanted revenge for all I did over the years, mission accomplished...bravo

 

I have reached a mental and emotional barrier that prevents me from going any further....because of this, I will move out; I know what the end result is anyways so it makes no difference who moves out; in my mind and in my heart it's game over...goodnigt Vienna

 

I tried my best and left no stone unturned in the end, obviously too little too late....a copout if you ask me but who cares at this point

 

it is time for me to start anew, to create new life experiences...out with the old and in with the new lol

 

so come April 1st, she still has the option to make this work and she said she would give it her everything; but if she wants to separate officially at that time, I will do one better for her and file the D papers myself

 

I should be out of the house by Feb1st if all goes according to plan; maybe she will change her mind but I really don't care either way

[turnera]

That's about what I expected from you. You're so afraid of standing up for yourself that you can 'justify' leaving by saying you are doing the right thing.

 

Truth is, you're so chicken to stand up and be a man to her that you just choose to slink away and give her what she wants - you out of the picture so she can continue to commit adultery.

 

Did you expose to her parents?

 

Did you expose to OM's wife?

 

Of course not. You're too scared of confrontation to act like a real man and LEAD your family. About what you'd expect from someone who chose to be a user for umpteen years.

 

Good luck in your next life without your wife and kids. I feel sorry for your kids. You have done NONE of the advice given to you. Why bother?

[c0nfuzd]

ya her mom and dad know all the details but have seen none of the evidence; they didn't want to see their daughter naked with another man

 

when and if D happens, her whole family will be made aware

 

I tried your way turnera and it didn't get me results...I tried to move back upstairs and sleep in our bed and she ended up sleeping on the floor downstairs because she didn't want the basement or even the couch

 

I then tried to reason with her about leaving home and the more pressure I applied the more resolute she seemed for me to leave

 

so being forceful which I have always been in the past is not working....I don't want to do this anymore....whatever she wants is fine with me

[c0nfuzd]

and the truth is, I will have trouble trusting her possibly forever; if she makes no effort to prove me wrong, then why even bother with this M? she simply wants me to take her word for it, which I did the entire time and look where that got me

 

I can't be in a M with dishonesty, in a M where privacy is a right (it is a privilege really); I want a M that is 100% honest and privacy has no place; I have nothing to hide, I am translucent in all that I do; she's known of every single time I did drugs, never hid it from her......she can have all my passwords, and she is welcome to every thought decent or indecent that I have.........

 

and no matter the situation, I can differentiate between right and wrong; I have been so high that I thought I died (no lie), but I still knew what was right and wrong even in that moment; it's hard for me to understand how my emotional abuse could lead her to be unfaithful; she said she checked out of M when she took part in this A, still, did she not think of our children? did she not think of what the future would bring? how could she ever see this A working out with a married man who has children of his own and who happens to be HER BOSS? how messed up is that? few men would ever think of pursuing this M in the state it's in

 

so I choose to move on; she can start running after me because I am done running; there is no doubt in my mind I have done everything humanly possible to resolve this conflict; on the other hand, she has done everything to break it (but serve me with papers)

 

I am not meant to suffer for the rest of my life, I want to experience happiness again; I feel broken; I've allowed her to steal my joy and I have to get it back.....with or without her