should I win her back?

[stillafool]

[

 

QUOTE=c0nfuzd;3807977]

 

 

I tried your way turnera and it didn't get me results...I tried to move back

upstairs and sleep in our bed and she ended up sleeping on the floor downstairs

because she didn't want the basement or even the couch

 

So let her sorry arse sleep on the front porch steps if that's where she chooses to be but don't you move back to the basement.

 

I then tried to reason with her about leaving home and the more pressure I applied the more resolute she seemed for me to leave

 

 

 

So why didn't you tell her to get her stuff and move out since she's the one whoring around with someone else's husband? You are being way to easy on her at a time when you have every right to stand up for yourself. I agree that you should tell OM's wife ASAP because I can guarantee you that once this little affair starts to affect his happy home your stupid wife will understand just how little she means to this OM. You not telling the OM's wife is aiding them in their affair. Do you understand this?

[StarThrower]

Don't leave your house! She's the one who cheated, if she wants to continue her affair then she must do it somewhere else. Does she own your house?

[c0nfuzd]

I just don't care enough anymore to make her pay for what she did to me...the house is in both our names and I've asked her to write me a note that says she is asking me to leave, this way she can't turn it around later on and say I left on my own

 

in the end I will get 50% of the assets and will still have visitation rights; she can enjoy being a single parent and I can have all my freedom back; been taking care of the kids for years while she's been carrying on as if she didn't have any; time for a reality check and it's gonna hit her hard; she can have fun taking care of the house too if she wants to keep it after D; but I know she won't be able to manage it; she'll prolly give it up anyways in the long run; as long as I get my cut from it, that's all that matters

 

the party is over and frankly I don't give a hoot what she does with OM; even thinking about sex with her is difficult because for all I know she could have STDs now; she has yet to tell me if she got tested for it; she still has feelings for the jerk who used her

 

time for me to go somewhere else and rebuild myself

[Steadfast]

If she refuses, you then tell her parents/siblings/best friend and ask them to talk to her and let her know they won't accept her behaving this way.

 

I'm not always against exposure but this is manipulation, Even if for 'good' reasons. One, you're (incorrectly) assuming her family and friends feel as strongly as you do about it and two, what if they already know? Third, what is the best possible outcome of this? Blowing up the affair? That'll probably happen, but it won't bring her back to her husband. But if it does he's in no better place than he was before. Guilt, obligation and need is not love.

 

...or solving the problem.

 

The 'manly' thing to do is let go. Faithful spouses are faithful because they love and care about their partner. Not because they are afraid. There is no fixing what you have no control over fixing. It must be done by the person.

[Michael30]

I'm not always against exposure but this is manipulation, Even if for 'good' reasons. One, you're (incorrectly) assuming her family and friends feel as strongly as you do about it and two, what if they already know? Third, what is the best possible outcome of this? Blowing up the affair? That'll probably happen, but it won't bring her back to her husband. But if it does he's in no better place than he was before. Guilt, obligation and need is not love.

 

...or solving the problem.

 

The 'manly' thing to do is let go. Faithful spouses are faithful because they love and care about their partner. Not because they are afraid. There is no fixing what you have no control over fixing. It must be done by the person.

 

Yup. No point in trying to win over her blood relatives because it will be impossible. No matter what their daughter has done, the parents' allegiance towards her will remain. It's messed up Confuzd, but I'm sure your family would do the same with you.

 

Best bet is to stop trying all these psychological maneuvers to get her back because it won't work. She's showing you a part of her she's been hiding from the start and even if she did go back, it won't be because she loves you. Time to drop her so you can heal most of the damage that was inflicted upon you.

[ShatteredReality]

I am so sorry Confused, to hear about all of this. I read through the posts you've gotten here, what ppl have said and how you've responded...in past posts you and I have discussed the similarities between how I felt in dealings with my H and how your wife has likely felt in the past...

 

I'm going to be point blank with you. I know I will catch hell for this - but from the standpoint of the wife who has been abused I believe I have a valid point of view. I have been cheated on in the past, though not by my H, so I do understand how that feels as well. Neither form of abuse is acceptable or justifiable. Infidelity is abuse, after all. I have spent the last three years in a state wobbling back and forth from self deprication to self consolation over my actions. I had a short lived whirlwind affair and it is how my screen name was chosen - albeit two years after the fact. My affair shattered my entire reality. Everything I thought I knew about myself was broken, torn apart, and left in the dust. My self respect was destroyed. My self confidence was ripped to shreds. My very core was shaken loose. The result has been me spending the last three years second guessing every move I make, every look I receive from another man, every inability to slap some jackhole who hits on me at a grocery store - every self perceived miss leaves me one step closer to the occasional breakdown from which I suffer. I'm down to something like once every four or five months that I break down in body racking sobs over my past actions. I have even gone so far as to have a meaningful tattoo designed by my niece (she's an artist)...it's a tat that would simultaneously be the beauty that I know exists inside of me with parts of it torn and fallen to the floor, discarded - seemingly by the course of nature, but also symbolicly self inflicted. If I still feel the same in two years I will actually have it done. (5yr timeline)

 

If your wife is half the "wonderful" woman you knew once upon a time, which I honestly believe she is, then when this whole thing comes to its close she will have her own demons to bear.

 

Right now she's confused. She doesn't know up from down or left from right. Her affair lasted much longer than mine did...it was so much more involved. She cannot possibly be making straight decisions now or thinking properly about much of anything. She won't feel the true weight of her actions until 6 months from now. It's like getting clean from drugs...they have to leave your system before you can stand up straight again. Then, and only then, can you even begin to survey the damage they've caused to your life and those you love. She wants you to leave because she thinks it will help her clear her head...she probably thinks time without either of you will give her exactly what she needs to figure things out. She may have even told you this. Fact of the matter is - he's a drug and she's going to need to find a way to quit. I was not able to quit my job for 7 months after the affair - but I managed to extricate myself from it...or rather, my H helped me. He came and confronted OM. He threatened to break his whole world open by contacting his wife and telling everyone we worked with if he ever so much as opened a door for me again. It worked. If you willingly leave then you will not be around to protect her from herself in this situation. Not saying you need to suffocate her - not in any way, just be a part of her everyday life. If you move out, or if she does, then you need a divorce plan more than likely.

 

Man up. Confront her OM. She says it's over? Well then if it truly is then she'll accept your need to do this. To fight for what's yours. Face it - for all the naysayers out there who will now paint you a saint and her a villain - you contributed to this affair. You put the person you're supposed to love more than life itself in a compromising position of pure and complete isolation. If she truly and openly admitted the things she was tolerating from you to anyone they would have rightly told her to leave your sorry pathetic @$$. Now, you may have turned that around and become a wonderful man who deserves a wonderful wife - but how can you expect her to turn around and be completely unscathed by the years of your torment in 6 months? She can certainly begin the journey out of the dungeon she stayed in - but likely with scars that will take months or years to show themselves to you.

 

What happened to "I'll do anything" and "I should put up with abuse for years in return"???? So instead of years of abuse that slowly chip away at everything about yourself that you hold dear as you begin to turn into someone who you cannot even recognize when looking in the mirror - she took the whole mountain of this abuse you once claimed you earned and dumped it on you at once. And your response? To bail. Forgive me if I have little patience for that attitude. It is in no way shape or form ok for her to continue in the affair now that everything is out in the open. She must agree to a limit on her privacy until she's free of him - and this isn't for you - it's for her. She will need that invasion to break free completely. After that, though, watching her like a hawk will eventually tire you both out and cause the marriage to fail for that. So there must be a time limit on that...not necessarily one that needs to be discussed, but one that should be set.

 

You are free to give up and walk away at this point...but if you do then you are going against everything you cried about for months up until this point about how sorry you are about your past actions. Her wrong doesn't erase yours. It doesn't negate it. If you truly want the M to work you will agree together to draw a line in the sand here and now and take cautious steps forward together. Guard against the things you now know can be termites in the marriage, but refrain from using the past against eachother. I do not bring up the years of abuse in arguments with my H. I can vent about that here - but elsewhere in my life it isn't discussed because it no longer is a valid complaint. Why? Because it's not fair for me to ask him to forgive my past if I cannot forgive his. It's a red flag - something that gives me ways to see if old habits may be returning - and it's helped me to stave off some regressions - but it's never a good enough reason for me to harp on him or make any argument worse. And Vice versa - he can talk to me freely about the pain he feels if he has a bad dream that reminds him of my affair - and yes it'll make me feel like complete S and send me into a tailspin emotionally for like a week - but it's not ok for him to hold it over my head and use it against me.

 

I don't envy your situation...it feels very similar to mine three years ago. I didn't think I'd ever heal...but I am and I have. So is he and so has he. Our problems now are not determined by or weighed next to our problems past.

 

More importantly - you will feel differently in a month than you do today, and in three months you will feel differently than you do a month from now. If you make rash decisions now you may not agree with them later. This post is a novel now...so I will close up. I know I'll be hit with those who disagreee - but you have to decide for yourself what kind of man you want to be and how you want to handle this situation. And what can you do to make sure you can hold your head high when all the chips land where they may.

[c0nfuzd]

I'm not always against exposure but this is manipulation, Even if for 'good' reasons. One, you're (incorrectly) assuming her family and friends feel as strongly as you do about it and two, what if they already know? Third, what is the best possible outcome of this? Blowing up the affair? That'll probably happen, but it won't bring her back to her husband. But if it does he's in no better place than he was before. Guilt, obligation and need is not love.

 

 

...or solving the problem.

 

 

The 'manly' thing to do is let go. Faithful spouses are faithful because they love and care about their partner. Not because they are afraid. There is no fixing what you have no control over fixing. It must be done by the person.

 

I have to agree with this.....you can't force love onto someone and that is pretty much what I've been trying to do for 8 months; W said so herself; she confirmed to me that the day I asked to sleep in our bed whether she liked it or not, was the day she thought of asking me to leave......so anything that is too aggressive she sees as a threat, and not love

 

so I am backing off now and won't pursue her anymore; she knows how I feel and what I want, it's time for her to decide what she wants without external stimuli

 

 

Yup. No point in trying to win over her blood relatives because it will be impossible. No matter what their daughter has done, the parents' allegiance towards her will remain. It's messed up Confuzd, but I'm sure your family would do the same with you.

 

 

 

Best bet is to stop trying all these psychological maneuvers to get her back because it won't work. She's showing you a part of her she's been hiding from the start and even if she did go back, it won't be because she loves you. Time to drop her so you can heal most of the damage that was inflicted upon you.

 

absolutely, case in point...I asked her parents to hold off talking to her until I give them the green light; they never did wait for me; W was livid that I did that; it only added more to her pain

 

 

I am so sorry Confused, to hear about all of this. I read through the posts you've gotten here, what ppl have said and how you've responded...in past posts you and I have discussed the similarities between how I felt in dealings with my H and how your wife has likely felt in the past...

 

I'm going to be point blank with you. I know I will catch hell for this - but from the standpoint of the wife who has been abused I believe I have a valid point of view. I have been cheated on in the past, though not by my H, so I do understand how that feels as well. Neither form of abuse is acceptable or justifiable. Infidelity is abuse, after all. I have spent the last three years in a state wobbling back and forth from self deprication to self consolation over my actions. I had a short lived whirlwind affair and it is how my screen name was chosen - albeit two years after the fact. My affair shattered my entire reality. Everything I thought I knew about myself was broken, torn apart, and left in the dust. My self respect was destroyed. My self confidence was ripped to shreds. My very core was shaken loose. The result has been me spending the last three years second guessing every move I make, every look I receive from another man, every inability to slap some jackhole who hits on me at a grocery store - every self perceived miss leaves me one step closer to the occasional breakdown from which I suffer. I'm down to something like once every four or five months that I break down in body racking sobs over my past actions. I have even gone so far as to have a meaningful tattoo designed by my niece (she's an artist)...it's a tat that would simultaneously be the beauty that I know exists inside of me with parts of it torn and fallen to the floor, discarded - seemingly by the course of nature, but also symbolicly self inflicted. If I still feel the same in two years I will actually have it done. (5yr timeline)

 

If your wife is half the "wonderful" woman you knew once upon a time, which I honestly believe she is, then when this whole thing comes to its close she will have her own demons to bear.

 

Right now she's confused. She doesn't know up from down or left from right. Her affair lasted much longer than mine did...it was so much more involved. She cannot possibly be making straight decisions now or thinking properly about much of anything. She won't feel the true weight of her actions until 6 months from now. It's like getting clean from drugs...they have to leave your system before you can stand up straight again. Then, and only then, can you even begin to survey the damage they've caused to your life and those you love. She wants you to leave because she thinks it will help her clear her head...she probably thinks time without either of you will give her exactly what she needs to figure things out. She may have even told you this. Fact of the matter is - he's a drug and she's going to need to find a way to quit. I was not able to quit my job for 7 months after the affair - but I managed to extricate myself from it...or rather, my H helped me. He came and confronted OM. He threatened to break his whole world open by contacting his wife and telling everyone we worked with if he ever so much as opened a door for me again. It worked. If you willingly leave then you will not be around to protect her from herself in this situation. Not saying you need to suffocate her - not in any way, just be a part of her everyday life. If you move out, or if she does, then you need a divorce plan more than likely.

 

Man up. Confront her OM. She says it's over? Well then if it truly is then she'll accept your need to do this. To fight for what's yours. Face it - for all the naysayers out there who will now paint you a saint and her a villain - you contributed to this affair. You put the person you're supposed to love more than life itself in a compromising position of pure and complete isolation. If she truly and openly admitted the things she was tolerating from you to anyone they would have rightly told her to leave your sorry pathetic @$$. Now, you may have turned that around and become a wonderful man who deserves a wonderful wife - but how can you expect her to turn around and be completely unscathed by the years of your torment in 6 months? She can certainly begin the journey out of the dungeon she stayed in - but likely with scars that will take months or years to show themselves to you.

 

What happened to "I'll do anything" and "I should put up with abuse for years in return"???? So instead of years of abuse that slowly chip away at everything about yourself that you hold dear as you begin to turn into someone who you cannot even recognize when looking in the mirror - she took the whole mountain of this abuse you once claimed you earned and dumped it on you at once. And your response? To bail. Forgive me if I have little patience for that attitude. It is in no way shape or form ok for her to continue in the affair now that everything is out in the open. She must agree to a limit on her privacy until she's free of him - and this isn't for you - it's for her. She will need that invasion to break free completely. After that, though, watching her like a hawk will eventually tire you both out and cause the marriage to fail for that. So there must be a time limit on that...not necessarily one that needs to be discussed, but one that should be set.

 

You are free to give up and walk away at this point...but if you do then you are going against everything you cried about for months up until this point about how sorry you are about your past actions. Her wrong doesn't erase yours. It doesn't negate it. If you truly want the M to work you will agree together to draw a line in the sand here and now and take cautious steps forward together. Guard against the things you now know can be termites in the marriage, but refrain from using the past against eachother. I do not bring up the years of abuse in arguments with my H. I can vent about that here - but elsewhere in my life it isn't discussed because it no longer is a valid complaint. Why? Because it's not fair for me to ask him to forgive my past if I cannot forgive his. It's a red flag - something that gives me ways to see if old habits may be returning - and it's helped me to stave off some regressions - but it's never a good enough reason for me to harp on him or make any argument worse. And Vice versa - he can talk to me freely about the pain he feels if he has a bad dream that reminds him of my affair - and yes it'll make me feel like complete S and send me into a tailspin emotionally for like a week - but it's not ok for him to hold it over my head and use it against me.

 

I don't envy your situation...it feels very similar to mine three years ago. I didn't think I'd ever heal...but I am and I have. So is he and so has he. Our problems now are not determined by or weighed next to our problems past.

 

More importantly - you will feel differently in a month than you do today, and in three months you will feel differently than you do a month from now. If you make rash decisions now you may not agree with them later. This post is a novel now...so I will close up. I know I'll be hit with those who disagreee - but you have to decide for yourself what kind of man you want to be and how you want to handle this situation. And what can you do to make sure you can hold your head high when all the chips land where they may.

 

 

I can honestly say that she is confused....she asked me to leave a few days ago and now that I found a place to move into, she's backtracking; so I am not moving out after all; but, she might ask me at a later date to move out; if I didn't want this to work out, I would tell her enough is enough; but I get to see my kids every day if I stay home, and I've asked her to tell me what more I can do to give her space while I still am at home

 

I've said from the beginning that I would never walk away from this M; and I am not going to unless she wants me to; so I am staying the course

 

as far as her A is concerned, the keylogger has been quiet for a few days; it could be she no longer uses the puter to engage in it; however, I do see her taking steps in trying to prove to me that it's over; yesterday she went by herself to the doctor for an appointment and it turns out she was 30 minutes early; she called me and talked to me for that entire 30 minutes; today she went out for a drive because she wanted to make sure her decision to hold back on me moving out is the right one; when she showed up home, she told me she went to see her mom and brought back cake and food from there

 

and now, we are about to head out to a restaurant with the kids; we havent' done this in months; I see this and I see that she is leaning towards reconciliation; we must forgive the past to have any chance; but it's gonna take time and it has to be done in baby steps; she's even talking about me starting to attend family events again; when that happens, I will know we are making progress

 

what it really takes from my point of view, is a change in perspective on her part; if she can tell herself that "I want this to work", there is no reason we can't succeed; as long as she is unsure of what she wants, that is exactly what we have.....limbo

Edited January 22, 2012 by c0nfuzd

[ShatteredReality]

I am glad to hear. Actually, to be honest, you're already making progress. Chances are the last few months of the affair have been filled with her waffling back and forth with her feelings for him and for you. Likely she saw that you were becoming a man she could fall in love with again and the true wrongness of her affair began to hit her. But, like I said, it's like a drug - so until she was confronted with the reality of it - she couldn't pull herself away from it. No addict would quit their addictions if there weren't visible consequences to cause them to.

 

So you are actually already seeing her make steps toward reconciliation - she's done more in these last few days than she ever did in the months preceding. The affair was absolutely standing in the way of the recovery of this marriage - and obviously if she returns to it or begins another down the line there will have to be consequences (which could mean you'd have to walk away at that point). But right now she's doing what she can to begin the long journey to earning your trust back.

 

How did dinner go??

[c0nfuzd]

dinner went well; so nice to all be together

 

alright, this is where I am at; last night I logged a chat of hers; I then confronted her without giving away what I know; she swore up and down that she did not talk to him; the log indicates differently; I could not get her to admit she talked to him

 

at this point, I have had enough of her lies; tonight I am moving out; she can do whatever she wants with OM, I am fed up

 

here's a transcript of the chat and you all tell me what you think I should do:

 

 

W says

I am not sure I understand

am i ok physically or emotionally?

I am going through a really hard time

OM says

i said are you ok, you said i don't know just after you said you didn't take the antibiotic

W says

ah

physically ok

I am tired though

OM says

get some sleep tonight

i know yo uare going through a really hard time

W says

I needed you earlier today

OM says

i wish i could

W says

It seems I run to you with everything

OM says

i k you did

W says

I dont know

OM says

questioning where you run/

?

W says

I know you want to be there for me ...

but you can't always be there

my first instinct for everything is you

you are all i have it seems

D mentioned some lines from an email today

I dont recall them now

then he said something

he said...

You have NEVER talked to me like that

you have NEVER professed your love for me like that

you may have said you love me and similiar

but not like that

do you realize that?

do you know that?

OM says

do I?

W says

do you?

OM says

yes it do, i always have thought that

likewise, i have shared things and said things to you that I've never said to anyone

you are questioning us

i can see that

W says

I am asking if you kow what you mean to me?

I have heard it

I see it

OM says

and as i've told you many times...yes

W says

and I am afraid

What if you forget

what if you dont know

what if you think that this is just something

OM says

what...alzimers?

W says

Smile

ok, you still make me laugh

OM says

still...at least something is the same

W says

you think I'm crzy

OM says

i wondered if this might happen

W says

I need you

OM says

you are parting ways, i am not, we don't know if/when we can be together, so I am not real

you are probably right...you should resolve with him

W says

hmmm

so you are throwing in the towel?

OM says

yup

W says

giving up?

yup??

OM says

it doesn't matter what i am "still" saying, you've decided

W says

What?

what are you talking about

I am very confused

OM says

me too

W says

what are you saying?

are you ending this?

OM says

i am here for you, in whatever capacity you want, my love for you is real whether you believe it or not,

W says

I have told you many times

I need to hear it

I need you to say it

I dont need you to bow out

I need to know that you are here for me

if you dont want me ... then that is different

OM says

so, you don't hear it for a few hours and it is gone?

W says

if I am not important to you ... then you should say so

OM says

i don't care anymopre?

W says

that's not it

OM says

are you f**king kidding me?

W says

Hey

dont be like that

are you mad?

OM says

no, confused

W says

I am a bit of a mess

i am in a very hard place

I had everythign sorted in my hear

OM says

ik,

W says

head

OM says

ik

W says

and then I get confused

i dont want to screw up my kids

then I think

Why the f**k and I doign this?

I dotn think of anyone but myself

W says

you are not alone

i am here for you always

i am

i do love you with all my heart

[Owl]

You know what...my wife tried to deny everything...right up to the point where I emailed to her the transcripts of her conversations with OM.

 

Your wife is in the same boat.

 

Personally...I say you stop asking your wife to admit it. Tell your wife point blank that you know she's had conversations with him. You're not asking...you know. And tell her that if she wants that to continue, she needs to move out. You're no longer willing to share a house and a life with someone who will lie like this point blank to you.

 

Again...make it clear to her that you KNOW the truth already.

 

You don't have to tell her/show her how. But, make it clear that you KNOW, and that you're no longer going to accept it.

 

If she doesn't "suffer" some kind of penalty for continuing her behavior...she's going to keep doing it.

 

Tell her point blank...I know the truth, and I know that you're lying to me. I'm not asking you...I'm telling you that I know, and that if it doesn't stop, you're out the door. (or whatever consequence you can enforce).

 

Anything less is just letting the drama and lies continue.

[Steadfast]

at this point, I have had enough of her lies; tonight I am moving out; she can do whatever she wants with OM, I am fed up

 

You are doing the right thing. Your wife is GONE. I won't and can't say that someday she might rediscover her love for you and want to try again, but at this point she is gaslighting to keep you available for her needs and to alleviate her fears of what will happen to your children. Only stay if you want to be lied to, used and cheated on. He's playing so she's staying.

 

Well, sort of. But you know how that feels.

 

She has exhibited the dreaded double whammy; physical and emotional ties. Fact: in 99.999% of cases when a woman/wife has sex with another man AND professes love for him her feelings will NOT return.

 

As for the varying advice here, I agree with what ShatteredReality has written. The thing is, she is the rare exception that has the strength, resolve and vision to look her demons in the eye and take them on. If your wife had half the class and integrity of SR your marriage might stand a chance. My hunch is, she doesn't. Most don't. Sorry.

 

You are not walking away from your marriage because your marriage is dead. It ended when your wife embraced her OM. Divorce is not wrong; it is a lifesaver for people in your position. You are setting a good, strong example for your children. Yes, it's hard to share them when they are young, but listen to me and know your duties as a father will reach far beyond their childhood. Teach them to not allow abuse of any type.

 

Consider sending her out, or taking the kids for the majority. But for now, rid yourself of this cancer and begin the process of health and happiness.

[stillafool]

OP, I can almost guarantee you that if you told OM's wife what was going on your wife would see just how much OM loves her. (Not). I too think you are doing the right thing by letting her go. She is still lying to you and cheating on you.

[SimonMas]

It is obvious she is confused as to who she wants. From what you have posted, it looks to me like she is leaning towards your way. Perhaps this is due to your efforts in improving your life that is making her to see the positive changes in you (keep it up!). At this moment, she needed someone to talk to and she didn’t have anyone apart from you and OM. Why did she choose OM? Maybe because she felt that at this moment she can’t talk about her feelings directly to you. She must have known OM for a long time so in a way OM is like a listening ear (supporting her in an emotional way) and a confidante. From the conversation with OM, it also appears that the OM is letting her go as he may have felt that your W is going towards your way.

 

Why am I saying that OM is slowly leaning towards you? This was based on what you have posted.....your W is trying to win you back as well. Calling you to let you know that she is transparent and giving indications that she wants the relationship back. I am saying this based on your posting as I do not have the luxury of knowing what your W thinks and normally in a forum like this, we only get to hear one side of the story.

 

As I have posted earlier, you are now in a higher position to talk to her (since she has also committed wrong to you, you shouldn’t be feeling all bad especially when you have made positive changes in your life). Ultimately you have to decide whether you have enough love for her to work this out or you want to move. Personally, I believe you are in a very good standing. Perhaps to test the water a little, you could just send a text along this line “I know I have not said this for a long time, but I love you, please know that”. See if she responds positively to that message. She may not response in words but it may be in other forms. Do this only if you think you still have the love for her wants the marriage and family. Best of luck.

[c0nfuzd]

gawddawm, you all make sense and I don't know who to listen to

Steadfast I like your reasoning so much but it's so hard to let her go; I am afraid to lose the kids and her; I still think she is a good woman inside but she is messed up in her values atm....isn't it possible for her to wake up and realize her mistakes fully one day? maybe I am also living in a bubble

stillafool, for the life of me I can't get in touch with OM wife and I am trying every day

Simon, your thinking is also my thinking....I see hints of what she's trying to do, but I hate being used as bait; yes she has known OM for over 10 years; their romance (from what I can see and I am pretty sure it's accurate as she never erased her sent mail folder) has been going on since Dec 2010; me thinks he is also in a similar situation with his W (whom I've met several times over the years and she ain't pretty) and the 2 of them kinda bonded more than they even expected when my W revealed her predicamentI feel so used, and like I am not a man for not standing up to her....but I love her so much

Edited January 23, 2012 by c0nfuzd

[Steadfast]

So you love her. We know that and so does she. She's betting your 'love' will allow her to use you as long as she pleases. This may sound harsh, but unless she's tearing down the walls trying to get back, you have nothing. She loves him friend. She told him. Women don't say that (like men) to get sex. Read the text you posted again. She is saying, "I'm getting ready to jump off a cliff for you. Will you catch me?" He's stalling. He's a POS. He wants her to stay with you so he can frock her when he feels like it. It's more fun, it's cheaper, and it doesn't complicate his other deal.

 

Do what you said. End it. Demand nothing less than what you're willing to give. Or you can buy her flowers, write a poem and sit by the door holding a candle of eternal love waiting for her to come home. Is that a life?

 

It is your call. There is no easy path, but there is a right one. I'm sorry you are in this situation but your wife's decisions put you there. Few men have the balls to reject it and stand up for what's right. Most fold. I'm not trying to play you into doing what I suggest, just writing the truth. It's your call.

 

Hang in there.

 

*Edit*

 

You don't have to leave or send her away tonight. Take the time to gather yourself so you don't do, or say anything that will make matters worse. And they can get worse, in a big, snowball-rolling-down-a-hill hurry.

 

No need to hide or play any mind games. Tell her the truth. "I love you but I can't do this any longer. I know what you said and how you feel. My manhood is at stake. Be gone. Be with him. It breaks my heart but I can't allow you to do this to me or our marriage any longer. I want to be happy. You're making me very, very unhappy and I'm sick of it. Be gone."

 

Be true to yourself. I know you love her. That isn't the issue.

Edited January 24, 2012 by Steadfast

[c0nfuzd]

So you love her. We know that and so does she. She's betting your 'love' will allow her to use you as long as she pleases. This may sound harsh, but unless she's tearing down the walls trying to get back, you have nothing. She loves him friend. She told him. Women don't say that (like men) to get sex. Read the text you posted again. She is saying, "I'm getting ready to jump off a cliff for you. Will you catch me?" He's stalling. He's a POS. He wants her to stay with you so he can frock her when he feels like it. It's more fun, it's cheaper, and it doesn't complicate his other deal.

 

Do what you said. End it. Demand nothing less than what you're willing to give. Or you can buy her flowers, write a poem and sit by the door holding a candle of eternal love waiting for her to come home. Is that a life?

 

It is your call. There is no easy path, but there is a right one. I'm sorry you are in this situation but your wife's decisions put you there. Few men have the balls to reject it and stand up for what's right. Most fold. I'm not trying to play you into doing what I suggest, just writing the truth. It's your call.

 

Hang in there.

 

*Edit*

 

You don't have to leave or send her away tonight. Take the time to gather yourself so you don't do, or say anything that will make matters worse. And they can get worse, in a big, snowball-rolling-down-a-hill hurry.

 

No need to hide or play any mind games. Tell her the truth. "I love you but I can't do this any longer. I know what you said and how you feel. My manhood is at stake. Be gone. Be with him. It breaks my heart but I can't allow you to do this to me or our marriage any longer. I want to be happy. You're making me very, very unhappy and I'm sick of it. Be gone."

 

Be true to yourself. I know you love her. That isn't the issue.

 

that is exactly what I been telling her for past 2 nights; as much as I love her, I can't do this anymore; if she wants to be with him, then go on....and let me move on

 

I had all my stuff packed and ready 2 go 2night and she told me not to leave...that she is scared to see me go; she's not ready and needs a little more time to figure out if we should give an honest last chance to our M; she says she is done with him but I still don't believe it; I will need to see consistency in her actions to believe it; for now, I think she is using me to be there for the kids; to be honest, I want to be near my kids, and I certainly don't want OM filling that position for me...but I don't want to live in a basement while she carries on with another man; it's a disservice to our M; if she doesn't want this M, say so and I am out; I feel like a fool for not leaving tonight; I was so ready to do it, but one look at her and I started doubting myself; I must be effin crazy for loving a woman that is hurting me so much; but I remind myself of the pain I put her thru, I know what a jerk I was and for so many years; I totally understand why she can't just open up to me; I tell her that keeping me at arm's length is not helping either; counseling would help but she has to forget this guy first and above all

 

I was thinking maybe I should talk to him directly or email him; not sure which is better since I can't seem to get hold of his W; here's a sample:

 

 

OM,

 

I was hoping not to have to contact you about your affair with my W.　 I was expecting you to drop out of the picture once you got wind that I knew all the details about your relationship (which includes having sex) for the past year with her.

 

I am asking you politely to not pursue a relationship with her anymore. Not only because it is a conflict of interest since you are her boss, but also because you are still married and have children of your own. We have problems that we need to address and with you in the picture, you are only compounding the issue. Our children want nothing more than for my wife and I to be together. Do you want to be the one responsible for them not having their parents together? They will never accept you as a partner to her (especially since they already know who you are and what your professional relation to her is). As they get older and understand what exactly happened, they will only become more bitter at you. Haven’t you done enough damage? You took advantage of her weakness at a time when she needed a friend, not a lover.

 

 

If you have any integrity and decency left in you, please cease and desist this affair for the good of both our families. You’ve had your fun, now it’s time to move on. I am sure your wife would not be as kind in addressing this.

 

 

needless to say, she has not forwarded this to him (as of yet my keylogger has not detected this action)

[Steen719]

OK, I may not have a popular notion here, but I don't understand why you are appealing to his integrity and decency and he has neither. He is her boss, he is having sex with his employee, he is married with children, he is sleeping with a married woman, he knows she is trying to decide (although I don't see that the same way you do, since she tells him that she "loves him with all of her heart") and he still is sleeping with her.

 

Write him a letter that says you will turn him in for sleeping with an employee and that you will notify his wife if you must write a letter. But, I think you will end up just watching the computer for any communication between the two of them and waiting for the other shoe to drop, and sadly, I think it will.

 

He is an issue, but she is the problem. She has not committed to her marriage for whatever her reasons are. I know you have had problems also and this might be one of the reasons you are so hesitant to leave; well, that and your kids and you still love her. But if you read the chat log carefully, you see that she is asking him to tell her that she is most important like he is to her.

 

Good luck. It is unbelievable hard to be in some of the situations we find ourselves in. Some days this feels like someone else's life. Surely mine can't be this screwed up.

[stillafool]

OP, call his up and tell him to stop seeing your wife. Tell him you are in the process of trying to contact his wife for help in this matter. Trust me, that will scare the "$it" out of him. He will probably break it off with your wife today, especially if you tell him what Steen719 said as well. This man does not want to lose his job, his wife, or his kids. Do it. But, I also have to say that when your wife wanted more time I feel she is waiting to see if MM will commit to leaving his life for her before she let's you go. Do you want to be her second choice?

Edited January 24, 2012 by stillafool

[stillafool]

I just reread their conversation and your W is definitely waiting for MM to make a commitment to her; but he won't. Your wife is treating you terribly and it doesn't matter what you did in the past. Her behavior is wrong and unacceptable. I would leave if I were you. Give her something else to think about other than her MM.

[Chi townD]

Dude, you are her back up plan. What you need to do is look up doing the 180. The 180 is designed to heal and protect you. ALSO, it lets your wife see the changes that are happening to you. Here is the list of do's and dont's of the 180.

 

 

1. Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
   
2. No frequent phone calls.
   
3. Don't point out "good points" in marriage.
   
4. Don't follow her/him around the house.
   
5. Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future.
   
6. Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS.
   
7. Don't ask for reassurances.
   
8. Don't buy or give gifts.
   
9. Don't schedule dates together.
   
10. Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable.
    
11. Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!
    
12. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.
    
13. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!
    
14. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue? No matter how much you want to!
    
15. If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.
    
16. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the WS)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life? with out them!
    
17. Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available? for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing.
    
18. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.
    
19. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!
    
20. Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF!
    
21. Don't be overly enthusiastic.
    
22. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!
    
23. Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!
    
24. Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.
    
25. Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.
    
26. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.
    
27. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.
    
28. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.
    
29. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care!
    
30. Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.
    
31. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!"
    
32. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.
    
33. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the OM/OW."
    

You can use these to help save your marriage OR to help you move on. It might be worth a shot!

[c0nfuzd]

I finally talked to OM and told him off; he said "are you threatening me?" when I told him I would take it to his boss and wife; I simply replied "no I am telling you"...

 

he kept saying that he has walked away from her but my keylogger shows something different happening as late as this morning...he is still pursuing her; he is still enabling this relationship; let's see what transpires once I am out of the picture

 

and W keeps lying to me that she's over him; she don't say ILU no more, now she says IMU....whatever

 

it will take a miracle for me not to leave tonight; my stuff is still packed up and I am ready to go

 

I have had it with all the lies...I just can't keep on going like this; she needs to make a serious and concerted effort to prove to me that she is done with him and short of quitting her job and allowing me back in our bedroom, I can't see how she coud convince me not to go

 

at least I've scared the shyt out of OM....

[stillafool]

You can bet he is shook up alright. He has probably called his wife to see if she knows anything. Be sure that your wife will talk to you about this because he has run to her like the pus-- he is. When she contacts you about this tell her you know she is still talking to him and you will tell his wife and then she can see for herself where this affair is going. Straight to the garbage. He is okay messing up your life but damn if he will let her mess up his home. She will be angry with you for a while; but if she has any sense at all this will tell her what she needs to know about MM.

[RobD70]

I am afraid to lose the kids and her

You’ve already lost her and you can’t let yourself be motivated by fear. The only person that should be fearing anything is your W fearing she will lose YOU. She cheated and the consequences for that is usually divorce.

I still think she is a good woman inside but she is messed up in her values atm....isn't it possible for her to wake up and realize her mistakes fully one day? maybe I am also living in a bubble

It is possible BUT it won’t happen while you are around. When she “wakes up” it will be after you are gone. It’s not going to happen with the status quo or with you working on the M. Don’t deal with how she used to be, deal with who she is today.

 

You are in a self-imposed limbo because you are waiting for her to make a decision which she already has but hasn’t flat out told you (she wants to be with the OM). You are giving her all the control. What you did in the past has no bearing on her affair now so get over the self-blame.

 

As much as it pains you, you have to put your foot down and “man up” for yourself. Throw the transcripts of her convos with the OM at her face and tell her you are sick of her lying and you want out of the marriage. She will freak the hell out and at the same time respect you for FINALLY standing up for yourself. You need to get angry because she is disrespecting you as a man by cheating and lying to your face. Nobody deserves that and nobody she be married to someone they can’t trust and you know you can’t trust her.

 

The thing is, the more YOU push for a divorce, the more likely she will try to stop you and make amends. Right now she has no motivation to do anything for you because she doesn’t expect you to do anything about it. She’ll “wake up” when she see what she is losing, not a minute before.

 

The only way you can help end the A asap is to get ahold of the OMW (she’ll try to kill it on her end) and basically kick your W to the curb so she gets a taste of the reality of living without you. Reality kills more affairs than anything else.

[Chi townD]

Once your wife finds out you contacted the OM, she's probably going to go high and to the right. Be careful!

[turnera]

So...instead of finding and telling his wife - who NEEDS to know her husband is cheating on her, you just told him that YOU know. And instaed of telling your WIFE that you know she's still lying, you took the easy way out and told HIM that you know.

 

And that did...what, exactly? HE already KNOWS you know. The only two people who could have made a difference - your wife and his wife - you're too scared to confront.