should I win her back?

[Chi townD]

To piggyback on what Ternera said. By tell the OM that you know, all you did was buy him time. Time enough for him to get a story that is viable and believable for this guy to sell to his wife if some "crazy and jealous husband calls her up!"

 

Look, I get it if you don't want to tell the OMW because maybe you would feel responsible for causing her the same kind of pain your feeling right now. But, isn't it hurting her just as much by withholding the truth from her?

[c0nfuzd]

oh W knows that I know she is lying; but unless I show her my evidence...again, she won't change her tune

so I am taking off 2night for about 2 months and will continue to monitor her; will know very quickly how serious she is about killing her A

the fact that she can still lie to my face to this day just speaks volumes of the type of person she is...and I am afraid I can't reconcile with her but I never know how I will feel 2 months from now; once reality settles in, we shall see what she does; if the OM keeps in touch, his W will find out about A; I have all my cards still in hand...no need to show them all at once lol

[c0nfuzd]

To piggyback on what Ternera said. By tell the OM that you know, all you did was buy him time. Time enough for him to get a story that is viable and believable for this guy to sell to his wife if some "crazy and jealous husband calls her up!"

 

Look, I get it if you don't want to tell the OMW because maybe you would feel responsible for causing her the same kind of pain your feeling right now. But, isn't it hurting her just as much by withholding the truth from her?

 

I have pics of them naked in bed....good luck to the OM to bs his way around this....and I still can't get in touch with her; when I do, it will be a very diff story

[turnera]

If you're done with her, you have no reason to keep monitoring her. so why not just tell her what you have and be done with it?

[c0nfuzd]

If you're done with her, you have no reason to keep monitoring her. so why not just tell her what you have and be done with it?

 

I'm not completely done with her; in 2 months if she has no interest in making it work, then I am done; in those 2 months, I need to keep a check on her to see if she is really done with OM; I can't trust her word now and won't be able to trust it in 2 months either

[c0nfuzd]

well well.....she called me up and we talked and her main concern is that I will kill her career and her reputation if I spill out the beans to OWM or OM's boss; she feels that I am out to destroy her

 

so much so, that she is willing to let me come up and sleep in our bed next to her.....but I can't touch her

 

me thinks this is bullshyt....something reeks here and it's not my armpits lol

 

she added that her boss came into her office and made it clear that they are done....she can now see how she was used and that he has no feelings for her

 

I think I am still leaving....I don't trust her still

[2long]

well well.....she called me up and we talked and her main concern is that I will kill her career and her reputation if I spill out the beans to OWM or OM's boss; she feels that I am out to destroy her

 

so much so, that she is willing to let me come up and sleep in our bed next to her.....but I can't touch her

 

me thinks this is bullshyt....something reeks here and it's not my armpits lol

 

she added that her boss came into her office and made it clear that they are done....she can now see how she was used and that he has no feelings for her

 

I think I am still leaving....I don't trust her still

 

 

I'm sure I've heard of a dormat BS doing s2pider things than this before... ...but I can't remember when, for the life of me!

 

STOP!!!

 

STop asking your foggy WW for permission 2 do ANYTHING. TELL HER what you will do and DO IT!

 

1: DO NOT MOVE OUT OF YOUR HOME. If you need 2 be apart, by all means encourage her 2 leave. If you need 2 file for divorce, by all means file. Get a really mean lawyer who's a strong advocate of men's rights to represent you. She's the breadwinner? Stay in your home, get primary custody and make HER pay YOU child support.

 

2: MOVE BACK IN2 YOUR BEDROOM: If she doesn't want you sleeping with her, let her move in2 the basement or the garden shed with the lawnmower or something. DO NOT ASK HER anything. TELL HER WHAT YOU INTEND 2 DO AND DO THAT. Let her decide how 2 react or respond.

 

3: "Privacy" means she gets 2 close the bathroom door while carving a twister. She wants 2 keep being secretive by calling secrecy "privacy." It ain't.

 

4: You should NOT have contacted the OM. Whether you recover your marriage or not, you want him OUT of your life. You just invited him farther in by starting a dialog with him. You should NOT have "threatened" him with exposure 2 his W or his Boss. Exposure is NOT a vindictive act, it's a simple telling of the truth. You don't cause harm by exposure, you prevent further harm by the affairees 2 their families. You JUST EXPOSE, you don't bargain with liars. Do it now. If you can't find the OMW yourself, hire a PI 2 find her and tell her. Give her copies of your evidence.

 

5: DO NOT show your evidence 2 the affairees. THEY KNOW they're having an affair, so what is "proving it" 2 them going 2 accomplish. All you'll do is show them you're snooping, which they'll react 2 by going further underground. New email accounts, secret cell phones, are all very easy things to get.

 

6: People who are used 2 lying 2 get what they want are slow 2 come around, and they won't be persuaded. You need 2 make a stand for YOU and YOUR KIDS and forget about trying 2 convince her 2 change her ways. She's got 2 make that choice herself.

 

Finally, and most importantly: NOBODY who doesn't want 2 be with you is worth fighting for! IF she wants 2 be with you, she can't be with him. And she will have 2 go 2 extraordinary lengths 2 prove 2 you that you and your kids are what she wants. She will have 2 convince you that she's pinched the OM off for keeps, and she's going 2 have 2 spend the next few YEARS proving 2 you that she's worthy of any trust going forward.

 

THAT is a tall order. I don't have much confidence that this very typical WW has what it takes 2 do whatever it will take 2 convince you that she's worth staying married 2.

 

-ol' 2long

[Steadfast]

I'm not completely done with her; in 2 months if she has no interest in making it work, then I am done; in those 2 months, I need to keep a check on her to see if she is really done with OM; I can't trust her word now and won't be able to trust it in 2 months either

 

But what if it takes three months? Or six? You are trusting your instincts. Stop trusting them. They will betray you.

 

One last time, very slowly. Let..her..go. Leave her alone. Don't try, don't monitor. She will stop cheating and lying when she decides it's in her best interests. The point is, you can't control it and the more you try to influence her, the longer she'll take to reach her own resolution. That is what you're waiting for isn't it? Her to make some sort of firm decision?

 

That's a fools game.

 

Make your own. If her plans mix with yours at some point in the future, then you can decide if it is something you want to do. Until she says, "I'm sorry, I love you and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to save our relationship" then you have nothing but obligation, convenience and fear. As for you and your own personal timetable, you need to set one.

 

Hear this: the best chance of saving your relationship is allowing her the freedom to choose it on her own. That, along with what you decide will determine if you eventually reunite and stay together. Anything you do to influence her will slow down or destroy the natural process.

[turnera]

Please listen to 2long and follow his advice. It is the ONLY way you will come out of this with any shred of dignity, no matter which way your marriage goes.

[c0nfuzd]

it's done....I have moved out; I could not tolerate her lying anymore; I had to take a stand and residing in that house knowing what I know was slow torture; now she has the room to breathe (which she was yearning for) and she can decide what she wants; the kids were a mess last night seeing me leave;....I still want the M but things have to change; I've done my changes and I need to see hers if I am to stay in it.........otherwise, that's it......after I left, she texted me that she was sorry and I said that I guess this is the end of us to which she replied "not necessarily"...time will tell I guess.....we will talk again in 2 weeks, until then we will stay quiet and just talk about the kids

monitoring her is necessary for me at this point because I feel that she will deceive me into staying in the M because I am a convenience to her; if I see that the A is still going and she wants to reconcile, then I know that I am still being played....I need to be certain that she is in this M 100% and for now the keylogger is the only proof I can trust; I do believe I could trust her again someday but for now I can't....

[Chi townD]

Well, you got to do what you got to do. However, I would have NEVER moved out. If it comes to a divorce, it may go in her favor in a divorce because it may be viewed as abandonment since you left the home.

 

She is being EXTREMELY FOGGY!!! You can come upstairs and sleep in the martial bed, but you can't touch her? REALLY?!?! She's in damage control, she's pissing herself because, for the first time, she saw you had a spine. You had the balls to approach the OM, what else are you capable of doing? She thinks that you are out to destroy her? She did this herself. She had the affair, she made the choice to destroy her marraige and her family. I'm speculating that she didn't mention what she did to you or the kids. She's worried that this will destroy HER career, this will destroy HER reputation. See, it's still all about her. Very foggy.

 

It still believe that the OMW has EVERY RIGHT to know what's going on in her marriage so she can decide for herself what she wants to do. Do not tell your wife you are doing this. Just do it.

[c0nfuzd]

Well, you got to do what you got to do. However, I would have NEVER moved out. If it comes to a divorce, it may go in her favor in a divorce because it may be viewed as abandonment since you left the home.

 

She is being EXTREMELY FOGGY!!! You can come upstairs and sleep in the martial bed, but you can't touch her? REALLY?!?! She's in damage control, she's pissing herself because, for the first time, she saw you had a spine. You had the balls to approach the OM, what else are you capable of doing? She thinks that you are out to destroy her? She did this herself. She had the affair, she made the choice to destroy her marraige and her family. I'm speculating that she didn't mention what she did to you or the kids. She's worried that this will destroy HER career, this will destroy HER reputation. See, it's still all about her. Very foggy.

 

It still believe that the OMW has EVERY RIGHT to know what's going on in her marriage so she can decide for herself what she wants to do. Do not tell your wife you are doing this. Just do it.

 

I have checked with a lawyer and I cannot be charged with abandonment in this situation...she is being foggy no doubt.....I have to remind you that I did cause her a lot of pain and she had checked out of M when she initiated the A...it's not to give her an excuse but I see why she did it; she has been unhappy for years because of my neglect and constant negativity coupled with emotional abuse and drug use....from our M standpoint, she did not have an A; we can argue that technically she did have the A since on paper we are still married, but that is beside the point; she knows what she did is wrong and it will remain with her for years to come; she keeps saying that ultimately she will end up alone although I remind her that she still has the kids so she is not as alone as I am

[2long]

it's done....I have moved out;

 

Bad move! Go back. You've unwittingly set up the conditions for he to file for primary custody and seek child support from you. You might also find yourself in a si2ation where she files false domestic violence charges on you and gets a restraining order to KEEP you out of your house and away from your kids. It's happening to Kidd right now (only it wasn't entirely false in his case).

 

I could not tolerate her lying anymore; I had to take a stand and residing in that house knowing what I know was slow torture;

 

All you've done is put some distance between you and the in-your-face lies. The lying will continue.

 

now she has the room to breathe

 

and resume the affair. Maybe bring the OM over 2 the house for some overnights?

 

the kids were a mess last night seeing me leave

 

Then why did you leave? The kids should be your top priority here. Harming them 2 protect your hurt feelings or make some point was productive, how?

 

I still want the M but things have to change

 

Then fight for the MARRIAGE. Not her. Fight for your family (your kids), not her.

 

I've done my changes

 

You make it sound as though you're complete. Well, you're not. You've not really even begun.

 

and I need to see hers if I am to stay in it

 

Forget about expecting her 2 do anything. It will take her YEARS 2 demonstrate, through consistent actions FOR the family, that she is worthy of being a wife.

 

after I left, she texted me that she was sorry and I said that I guess this is the end of us to which she replied "not necessarily"

 

She's right, but she will have 2 prove this with actions, not words.

 

...time will tell I guess.....we will talk again in 2 weeks, until then we will stay quiet and just talk about the kids

 

Either talk 2 her or don't. You won't be quiet if you're talking about the kids.

 

monitoring her is necessary for me at this point because I feel that she will deceive me into staying in the M because I am a convenience to her

 

This makes no sense at all. The only reason 2 snoop on a WS is 2 gather intel that you wouldn't otherwise have 2 SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE. If your marriage is over, what she does with her secret time is none of your business, and you should want it that way.

 

if I see that the A is still going and she wants to reconcile, then I know that I am still being played....I need to be certain that she is in this M 100% and for now the keylogger is the only proof I can trust; I do believe I could trust her again someday but for now I can't....

 

Entirely WRONG approach. Go home and stay there. Expose 2 the OMW. Expose 2 the company they work for. The sooner one of them leaves the job the better. Letting them keep this secret while at work (where the affair started) will only allow them 2 keep the affair going.

 

If she is serious about wanting the marriage, let her start demonstrating that by leaving her job. She MUST be willing 2 sever contact with the OM for life. The sooner the better. Don't wait another day. 2 months is idiotic.

 

-ol' 2long

[2long]

I have to remind you that I did cause her a lot of pain and she had checked out of M when she initiated the A...it's not to give her an excuse but I see why she did it; she has been unhappy for years because of my neglect and constant negativity coupled with emotional abuse and drug use....from our M standpoint, she did not have an A; we can argue that technically she did have the A since on paper we are still married, but that is beside the point; she knows what she did is wrong and it will remain with her for years to come; she keeps saying that ultimately she will end up alone although I remind her that she still has the kids so she is not as alone as I am

 

We understand what you're saying. But you're being a doormat, describing it this way. You must know that she will hear statements like this not only as justification of her behavior but PERMISSION for it.

 

Your past drug abuse and her affair are 2 separate issues. Deal with them separately and don't use one 2 justify the other. And don't let her do that either.

 

-ol' 2long

[Chi townD]

I have checked with a lawyer and I cannot be charged with abandonment in this situation...she is being foggy no doubt.....I have to remind you that I did cause her a lot of pain and she had checked out of M when she initiated the A...it's not to give her an excuse but I see why she did it; she has been unhappy for years because of my neglect and constant negativity coupled with emotional abuse and drug use....from our M standpoint, she did not have an A; we can argue that technically she did have the A since on paper we are still married, but that is beside the point; she knows what she did is wrong and it will remain with her for years to come; she keeps saying that ultimately she will end up alone although I remind her that she still has the kids so she is not as alone as I am

 

I understand what you're saying. You weren't the perfect husband. You screwed up bad and you were a douche rocket. Okay...cool. At least you can admit and recongize where you screwed up. So, you can be blamed for 50% of the problems in your marriage and she can be blamed for the other 50%. HOWEVER! Her affair is 100% on her. She made the choice to go outside the marriage. Not you. Don't take the blame for her affair.

[c0nfuzd]

this is harder than I thought....I am so alone here; I just want to be with them

 

I miss the kids and I miss W....I don't have the strength to do this....I told her many times to go and stay with her mom while she figures it out so that I could stay at home with the kids but she refused to do that

 

now I have nothing...it's so quiet here and I hate it; is this what life will be like going forward?

[intuition]

Hi,

 

Go out and have fun .

 

Go to the movies, go out and play pool with some friends, go and take a walk at the park, go and look at clubs you could join (chess, art, etc).

Go to the gym.

 

You need to keep your mind occupied with something else,

[c0nfuzd]

did just that...went out with couple of buddies

got back to the crib and didn`t take long for feelings of loneliness to come back

I am having a hard time dealing with the fact I can`t see my kids daily

They did call me up tonight and I was sad at times

eventually I ended up on the phone with W (didn`t take long lol; feels like we are doing NC for some reason lol)

anyways I broke down and told her how miserable I was after just 1 day; I wanted back and quickly too...she was ok with it all as long as I trusted her

I think W and OM understand at this point that their A could never last or see light of day

I think W is reaching out to me...she could have said she likes her space

she wants to start MC too

keylogger has been quiet AFA chats go....should I go back I am not sure or maybe wait at least 2 weeks

[RobD70]

Oh boy, we know you are going through a lot of pain but you need to excise some self-control or you are going to make things worse. Nobody ever reconciles while in your state of mind.

 

did just that...went out with couple of buddies

got back to the crib and didn`t take long for feelings of loneliness to come back

Good that you went out. You’ll get used to being alone and eventually you may learn to like it. You sound very needy and co-dependent which is why being alone is so hard. You need to learn to like yourself and that you don’t need anyone.

 

I am having a hard time dealing with the fact I can`t see my kids daily

They did call me up tonight and I was sad at times

That is hard but it’s not your fault, its HERS. She put you in this situation so you need to get angry with her. Don’t blame yourself for this.

 

 

eventually I ended up on the phone with W (didn`t take long lol; feels like we are doing NC for some reason lol)

anyways I broke down and told her how miserable I was after just 1 day; I wanted back and quickly too...

Bad, bad, bad. You showed her you were insecure, needy, and weak which are major turnoffs. She may feel sorry for you and guilty but that’s not what you want. You want her to desire you again and that’s not going to happen like this. That’s why NC is so important, so you don’t make these mistakes PLUS being able to resist talking to her shows strength. The less you need her, the more she needs you so blowing her off makes you more attractive.

she was ok with it all as long as I trusted her

Trust is earned. This sounds like she just wants your support and for you blindly trust her so she can fool around. If she was remorseful she would not say this.

 

I think W and OM understand at this point that their A could never last or see light of day

Don’t make these assumptions, affairs make people irrational so you can never assume they will wise up.

I think W is reaching out to me...she could have said she likes her space

she wants to start MC too

She probably didn’t want to hear you crying anymore so didn’t say anything.

keylogger has been quiet AFA chats go....should I go back I am not sure or maybe wait at least 2 weeks

You need to mentally detach from her. If you went back you will fail harder than her with the OM.

 

Sorry for being harsh but I have done exactly what you are doing now and it failed for me and in hindsight I see why. You are too mentally fragile to be able to do what is necessary to win her back and she will not be able to handle your emotions which will make her want to leave again. You have to be strong and you have to be able to walk away from her if you need to. You have to take back control and to do that you have to be at ease with ending the marriage. The person that needs to relationship the least, controls it.

 

I would suggest avoid talking to her at all cost and think being separated in terms of months instead of weeks. NOTHING gets resolved in a couple of weeks, that’s simply not enough time for anything to change. She is suffering without you too (she too is not used to being alone) but she is smart enough to hide that from you so she looks like she is in control.

[Steadfast]

We've all heard the horrors, but unless there are severe mental issues, abuse or illegal activities (proven in court) joint custody is what you can expect...no matter who moves where. It's what the court wants and what most lawyers will advise you to take. The wage assessment is also a priority...someone will hold the primary residence and that's something worth fighting for.

 

Your emotions and actions are a bigger issue. Understandably, your sadness and grief is more powerful than the willpower needed to make good, long range decisions. You *want* to trust her...you *want* to believe her. Just a few days ago she was telling another man she 'loved him with all of her heart' and now she places your trust as a condition of working it out?

 

Typical cheater logic. She doesn't want you messing up her deal at work, etc. I know you love your kids and are struggling, but she's got you by the balls. For a man with a cheating wife, that is not a good position to be in.

 

Stop running on emotion and making decisions when you are upset. Take a good, hard look at the situation then make a plan. Keep posting. It helps.

[Chi townD]

DUDE! You are the back up plan! How does it feel? The OM threw her under the bus, NOW she wants you back? What if the OM still wanted to be with her; you wouldn't be getting the "I'm sorry, I miss you" texts. You would be getting the "I think divorce is for the best." text.

 

But you came back like a dog with his tail between his legs. Look, I know what you are saying. I KNOW that you miss your kids terribly. I get it. But, this woman has put you through the ringer. She's not sorry she cheated, she sorry she got caught. Big difference!!!

 

If there are no consequences to her actions, SHE WILL DO THIS AGAIN!!! Trust me on this. I still hold firm that the OMW has a right to know. I can say will a degree of certainty, that she's been tipped off about you. CContact her anyway. Show her your proof. If you don't, this is going to start all over again. Maybe not tomorrow, or next month or next year, but once the dust settles...

[turnera]

Personally, I wish you would just back off of what you 'want' in a perfect world, just stop obsessing about it, and instead find yourself a psychologist and start going every week and start figuring out why you have such a weak personality. Dive into your FOO issues and find out why you choose to be an addict, why you choose to be afraid to use more typical male tendencies such as strength and forward movement, and instead choose being a Beta male and choose destructive actions.

 

No marriage is going to work for you until you start getting a handle on such issues. And you're being a horrible role model for your kids already and, if you don't get some help, you'll only help THEM to make similar poor choices as adults.

[c0nfuzd]

made contact with OMW....she wanted my full name and I only gave her my first name.....she sounded really upset at the news; I told her I have proof of A but then she said she couldn't talk anymore because of her mother being in the same room; she was going to give me her cell number but then hung up because I was taking too long to write it down; she really wanted my last name badly and I refused to give it to her because I am not sure what she is going to do with it; I am trying to put a stop to the A, I don't know what she wants to do once she has the info

[Owl]

Well, she probably had reason to suspect up to this point...but no "evidence". She probably doesn't need your proof...you've likely spurred her to go get her own.

 

One other thought...unless you called from a pay phone somewhere across town...she'll probably figure out who you are just based off of your phone number/location/the fact that OM is having an affair with your wife.

[Steadfast]

made contact with OMW....I am trying to put a stop to the A...

 

You are taking bad advice and making bad decisions. Understanding we all have an opinion I'm confident that you'll see I'm right. Why? Because the OM -or the affair- isn't the problem. Your wife is. She's the problem, she's the enemy of your marriage. Go ahead and blow up this guy's life (who cares? He's scum) but don't think you've accomplished anything.

 

The wife deserves to know, that's why I say I'm not always opposed to exposure. But why is it that I see this so clearly, yet people continue to push this worthless advice? There are literally hundreds of men available to any reasonably attractive woman. Why not get a jump on the action and track down each potential male for a counter offensive? Joking aside, that's probably more productive.

 

You are pounding sand OP. A good woman won't cheat and you can't keep a bad one from it.

Edited January 27, 2012 by Steadfast