should I win her back?

[Owl]

Understood.

 

And the other side of that coin is that there is NO WAY he can ever truly know for sure that the affair has ended.

 

Any step he takes to verify the status of the affair is not 100% reliable, and he will struggle with knowing that when he "checks up on her".

 

His best evidence that the affair is ended will be when she truly starts to change her mind and her heart...which is likely a ways down the road.

 

Right now...point blank...he needs to force her to make a choice, and stick with that choice no matter what.

 

Him, or OM. Marriage, or out the door.

 

He will remain in limbo until he forces her to make that choice. She will avoid making that choice as long and as strenuously as she can. This is part of where he needs to "man up"...and tell her to GROW UP, and make her choice, right here, right now.

 

My wife faced that same choice. She had a total of about 3 weeks after d-day before I started to make that choice for her...and that forced her to decide then and there.

 

Had I waffled...no telling how we would have turned out.

 

She needs to make her choice...now. He's given her too much time already. She needs to choose and she needs to act on her choice IMMEDIATELY.

 

If she doesn't want to be married...she moves out to Momma's house tonight. If she wants to try to repair the marriage...she meets his other requirements which he should have in hand...including NC with OM for life, access to all of her communications methods, and full disclosure of the affair and what all took place...as well as MC.

 

I don't know for sure right now if the affair continues or not for confused...he needs to determine that himself. Step 1...

[robf1971]

Understood.

 

And the other side of that coin is that there is NO WAY he can ever truly know for sure that the affair has ended.

 

Any step he takes to verify the status of the affair is not 100% reliable, and he will struggle with knowing that when he "checks up on her".

 

His best evidence that the affair is ended will be when she truly starts to change her mind and her heart...which is likely a ways down the road.

 

Right now...point blank...he needs to force her to make a choice, and stick with that choice no matter what.

 

Him, or OM. Marriage, or out the door.

 

He will remain in limbo until he forces her to make that choice. She will avoid making that choice as long and as strenuously as she can. This is part of where he needs to "man up"...and tell her to GROW UP, and make her choice, right here, right now.

 

My wife faced that same choice. She had a total of about 3 weeks after d-day before I started to make that choice for her...and that forced her to decide then and there.

 

Had I waffled...no telling how we would have turned out.

 

She needs to make her choice...now. He's given her too much time already. She needs to choose and she needs to act on her choice IMMEDIATELY.

 

If she doesn't want to be married...she moves out to Momma's house tonight. If she wants to try to repair the marriage...she meets his other requirements which he should have in hand...including NC with OM for life, access to all of her communications methods, and full disclosure of the affair and what all took place...as well as MC.

 

I don't know for sure right now if the affair continues or not for confused...he needs to determine that himself. Step 1...

 

 

I think he should take her stuff to OM's house and let her move in with him. The amount of time it would take their affair to implode and her to possibly come back begging to him would be tiny in comparison to the OP sitting on the fence for the next 5 years.

 

Let her go, let her have her 'dream' OM, let her have her 'freedom', let her find hapiness, let her pay for it herself. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, his wife wants out, the OP should allow this.

[robf1971]

Understood.

 

And the other side of that coin is that there is NO WAY he can ever truly know for sure that the affair has ended.

 

Any step he takes to verify the status of the affair is not 100% reliable, and he will struggle with knowing that when he "checks up on her".

 

His best evidence that the affair is ended will be when she truly starts to change her mind and her heart...which is likely a ways down the road.

 

Right now...point blank...he needs to force her to make a choice, and stick with that choice no matter what.

 

Him, or OM. Marriage, or out the door.

 

He will remain in limbo until he forces her to make that choice. She will avoid making that choice as long and as strenuously as she can. This is part of where he needs to "man up"...and tell her to GROW UP, and make her choice, right here, right now.

 

My wife faced that same choice. She had a total of about 3 weeks after d-day before I started to make that choice for her...and that forced her to decide then and there.

 

Had I waffled...no telling how we would have turned out.

 

She needs to make her choice...now. He's given her too much time already. She needs to choose and she needs to act on her choice IMMEDIATELY.

 

If she doesn't want to be married...she moves out to Momma's house tonight. If she wants to try to repair the marriage...she meets his other requirements which he should have in hand...including NC with OM for life, access to all of her communications methods, and full disclosure of the affair and what all took place...as well as MC.

 

I don't know for sure right now if the affair continues or not for confused...he needs to determine that himself. Step 1...

 

 

I think he should take her stuff to OM's house and let her move in with him. The amount of time it would take their affair to implode and her to possibly come back begging to him would be tiny in comparison to the OP sitting on the fence for the next 5 years.

 

Let her go, let her have her 'dream' OM, let her have her 'freedom', let her find hapiness, let her pay for it herself. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, his wife wants out, the OP should allow this.

[Owl]

Actually that's the "other side" of his "make your choice now" boundary.

 

Odds are...OM isn't going to be in any position to meet all of Confused's wife's emotional needs. You're right...their relationship would implode relatively quickly.

 

AND...that has the benefit of letting Confused see that he can and will survive without her. Then it's HIS CHOICE to let her back into his life or not at that point...in light of that newfound knowledge.

 

But it all starts with her having to make up her mind and stick with it...RIGHT NOW.

[c0nfuzd]

I don't know 100% that it's over but I am pretty sure it is...everything seems to point that way; she is still bitter at it and brings up the fact I talked to OMW...I told her I can file if she wants me to and that I could make it her b-day present if it will make her happy; this morning she was supposed to let me know and of course she didn't...so the limbo goes on

 

owl, I like your suggestions and will try to implement them

 

turnera, I've asked her to tell me every time I am passive-aggressive; last night it happened that I brought up her A into a conversation that had nothing to do with it; she didn't say anything and I knew she was upset; I immediately realized what I did and apologized for bringing it up (I am hurt so it's inevitable) but I told her that her mistake was not saying anything and walking away from me; she needs to be upfront about it as soon as it happens so that I am aware of it; of couse I am looking at going back to IC as well

[robf1971]

she is still bitter at it and brings up the fact I talked to OMW...

 

Of course she does. It's way easier in her mind to blame you for telling OMW than herself for having the affair. Each time you attack her on the affair, she will say the same thing. Which is precisely why if you insist on not packing her stuff and having her continuing to live under your roof, you should get by on small talk.

[Owl]

Of course she does. It's way easier in her mind to blame you for telling OMW than herself for having the affair. Each time you attack her on the affair, she will say the same thing. Which is precisely why if you insist on not packing her stuff and having her continuing to live under your roof, you should get by on small talk.

 

Gotta disagree with you here, Rob.

 

Whenever she gets bitter about him telling OMW, he should simply respond (without heat or anger) that agreeing not to tell OMW was a mistake in the first place. Telling OMW was the right thing to do, and he doesn't regret it. It freed everyone up to make their own decisions in full awareness of what was going on.

 

She can choose to be bitter about it if she wants to...but Confused should simply tell her it was the right thing to do and he doesn't regret it.

 

Avoiding discussing the A is NOT the solution either. It NEEDS to be addressed and discussed.

 

That's why he needs to keep talking about what's going on, what he's feeling, what she's feeling, etc... Sure it'll make her uncomfortable, but it'll also clear the air and let the two of them start talking/communicating even about things that hurt.

 

Sweeping it all under the rug just sets the stage for it to happen again.

[robf1971]

I told her I can file if she wants me to and that I could make it her b-day present if it will make her happy; this morning she was supposed to let me know and of course she didn't...so the limbo goes on

 

Stop waving about the word divorce around at her when you don't have the slightest intention of going through with it right now. She can see through it like superman and it just makes you look weak and childish in her eyes. If and when it's time to divorce, just file without saying anything.

[robf1971]

Gotta disagree with you here, Rob.

 

Whenever she gets bitter about him telling OMW, he should simply respond (without heat or anger) that agreeing not to tell OMW was a mistake in the first place. Telling OMW was the right thing to do, and he doesn't regret it. It freed everyone up to make their own decisions in full awareness of what was going on.

 

She can choose to be bitter about it if she wants to...but Confused should simply tell her it was the right thing to do and he doesn't regret it.

 

Avoiding discussing the A is NOT the solution either. It NEEDS to be addressed and discussed.

 

That's why he needs to keep talking about what's going on, what he's feeling, what she's feeling, etc... Sure it'll make her uncomfortable, but it'll also clear the air and let the two of them start talking/communicating even about things that hurt.

 

Sweeping it all under the rug just sets the stage for it to happen again.

 

Owl you are 100% right but it needs to be done calmly and firmly, using the right words. Understandably Confused is angry and calm firmness is impossible.

[robf1971]

Sweeping it all under the rug just sets the stage for it to happen again.

 

No need to set the stage for it to happen again. Until his wife proves otherwise it needs to be assumed that it's still happening from last time.

[2sunny]

I don't know 100% that it's over but I am pretty sure it is...everything seems to point that way; she is still bitter at it and brings up the fact I talked to OMW...I told her I can file if she wants me to and that I could make it her b-day present if it will make her happy; this morning she was supposed to let me know and of course she didn't...so the limbo goes on

 

owl, I like your suggestions and will try to implement them

 

turnera, I've asked her to tell me every time I am passive-aggressive; last night it happened that I brought up her A into a conversation that had nothing to do with it; she didn't say anything and I knew she was upset; I immediately realized what I did and apologized for bringing it up (I am hurt so it's inevitable) but I told her that her mistake was not saying anything and walking away from me; she needs to be upfront about it as soon as it happens so that I am aware of it; of couse I am looking at going back to IC as well

 

Asking for her permission to file? Sheez, just file if that's your intention!

 

Expecting honesty from her - who had been completely dishonest - you're asking for something that's unrealistic.

 

Asking her to tell you how you are behaving? She won't! She doesn't care enough to engage with you. Engaging in a conversation means you might bring up her cheating - which you did- which she doesn't intend to engage in conversation with you - so why would she?

 

You are going about this all backwards.

 

Do not engage at this point! I can't see evidence that the affair has ended - until she shows solid evidence it has - you have every reason to think its still ongoing.

 

 

In the meantime - her avoiding you - avoiding answering you - shows she's not into you or the M.

[ShatteredReality]

Here's my thoughts, for what they're worth.

 

You do not owe her "space" in any way, shape, fashion, nor form.

 

So you do NOT leave the house, for any reasons whatsoever. Nor do you need to change YOUR way of life to "give her space".

 

You (and many others here) need to remember that a period of "withdrawl" after the affair ends is NORMAL. She will grieve the loss of OM, the end of the affair, as she would the loss of any close interpersonal relationship. She's going to cry. She's going to be angry at you for "causing" the relationship to end.

 

I get that you feel that you contributed to the demise of the marriage. Fine. BUT...stop acting like you're the cause of her choice to cheat on you.

 

That choice was hers alone. Let her own it on her own, and accept FULL responsibility for that...and full consequences for it.

 

If you don't...things will never get better.

 

Make the changes you need to for yourself...make whatever changes you think may make you a better mate...but stop letting yourself accept all the blame for what's gone on, and stop tolerating her blameshifting to make herself feel better.

 

I agree completely. My H never took responsibility for my A. He only admitted to having responsibility in getting me into the mental state I was in - and even at that - my actions were mine. You contributed to the demise of the M - but not to her choice to have an affair.

 

I don't know 100% that it's over but I am pretty sure it is...everything seems to point that way; she is still bitter at it and brings up the fact I talked to OMW...I told her I can file if she wants me to and that I could make it her b-day present if it will make her happy; this morning she was supposed to let me know and of course she didn't...so the limbo goes on

 

owl, I like your suggestions and will try to implement them

 

turnera, I've asked her to tell me every time I am passive-aggressive; last night it happened that I brought up her A into a conversation that had nothing to do with it; she didn't say anything and I knew she was upset; I immediately realized what I did and apologized for bringing it up (I am hurt so it's inevitable) but I told her that her mistake was not saying anything and walking away from me; she needs to be upfront about it as soon as it happens so that I am aware of it; of couse I am looking at going back to IC as well

 

Stop waving about the word divorce around at her when you don't have the slightest intention of going through with it right now. She can see through it like superman and it just makes you look weak and childish in her eyes. If and when it's time to divorce, just file without saying anything.

 

Yes, and yes. Stop telling her you'll give her a D if it's what she wants. Either you're going to leave or you aren't. If you keep using it as a bargaining chip it will lose all value.

 

Don't even discuss it unless you're planning to do it, at this point. Follow Steadfast's advice about letting this thing play out while you don't engage in arguments.

 

As for dealing with YOUR pain and anger. Well I am all too familiar with that...she will have to accept that you're going to be hurt and angry about this situation. It was one thing one of the therapists we spoke to together that hit home with me. He told me point blank "You H has a right to feel hurt and anger over this situation. He does not have a right to abuse you - so now you need to recognize the difference between his natural and acceptable reaction to a bad situation or an unnatural and abusive reaction." Ok so it's paraphrased, you get the idea though. Maybe tell her that. Tell her you don't want to be passive aggressive, but you need to be able to feel how you're going to feel about this situation. She needs to be ok with you having feelings so long as you keep them in the normal and acceptable range. You're not turning to drugs, you're not punching holes in the walls, you're not degrading her...ok, so maybe lay groundwork for what is an acceptable outlet for your anger.

 

The problems you had in your marriage did not change because she had an affair. They existed before and the affair is nothing more than a symptom of the cancer that was destroying your marriage in the first place. Let's make it extra nasty, eh? Think of her affair as anal leakage, right?? Cause that's about how nice of a symptom it is - now you may have gotten rid of that leakage - she's doing her healing process and whatnot - but the cancer that led to it?? It's time to see if that can be fixed. If not, then there is no marriage here.

 

So...you said something in an earlier post that caught my attention. You swore at yourself and inflicted physical pain on yourself as a result of your evening spent with another woman. Ok...so...lot's of things to address here. First of all - don't make matters worse by lying to her. If you were honest for 15 years - stay on that path. You think it's bad now? Add YOU lying to the mix and see how much worse it can get. Second - you abused yourself as a result of a bad experience. Not ok. In this journey to self healing and betterment you must realize you cannot expect yourself not to abuse others if you're abusing yourself. Especially with your history. Ok? Let's say that again in another way - if you abuse yourself you WILL revert back to abusing those around you in one fashion or another. It's not "it could happen" or "maybe". Are we straight on this subject? Don't do it again.

 

My H was a cutter. When we first got married and had some very big blow out's - he punished himself and me by cutting himself. That went away for awhile when I told him I couldn't live like that...but after the A?? Oh wow...yeah...he carved the word FAILURE into his leg, F**K into an arm (thankfully they both healed and you cannot read them). He took a straight razor to his upper thigh and put four deep straight lines in there that are still there. On each upper arm he has a large X. Need I go on? I told him I couldn't live with a cutter, that finding these new wounds on him worried me for his welfare and for what he was going to teach our children. His pain was real and justified - his outlet was not justifiable. I told him if he ever cut himself again I would leave. On some things he has wriggle room - on this he does not. If we have a huge blow out tomorrow and he reacts by cutting into himself?? I will leave.

 

Self abuse like cutting or hitting oneself is often just a gateway to external abuse and manipulation. He could see when he hurt himself in that way that it hurt me as well - it had a dual purpose - an outlet for him and a way to hurt me and get me to do things to try to make him feel better. When I stopped playing into that hand he quit doing it. When he had something to lose from it, he stopped doing it.

 

You need to speak to a counselor about these tendencies and find healthier outlets. Even if that means going to a gym and beating the crud out of a punching bag...breathing techniques...running...swimming...writing...whatever you need to do.

 

K, jumping off my soap box now. Just seemed like no one keyed into that and you wouldn't have mentioned it without purpose.

[c0nfuzd]

Asking for her permission to file? Sheez, just file if that's your intention!

 

Expecting honesty from her - who had been completely dishonest - you're asking for something that's unrealistic.

 

Asking her to tell you how you are behaving? She won't! She doesn't care enough to engage with you. Engaging in a conversation means you might bring up her cheating - which you did- which she doesn't intend to engage in conversation with you - so why would she?

 

You are going about this all backwards.

 

Do not engage at this point! I can't see evidence that the affair has ended - until she shows solid evidence it has - you have every reason to think its still ongoing.

 

 

In the meantime - her avoiding you - avoiding answering you - shows she's not into you or the M.

 

so what kind of proof can she give me that the A is done besides her word and his? the keylogger is also quiet

[c0nfuzd]

I agree completely. My H never took responsibility for my A. He only admitted to having responsibility in getting me into the mental state I was in - and even at that - my actions were mine. You contributed to the demise of the M - but not to her choice to have an affair.

 

 

 

 

 

Yes, and yes. Stop telling her you'll give her a D if it's what she wants. Either you're going to leave or you aren't. If you keep using it as a bargaining chip it will lose all value.

 

Don't even discuss it unless you're planning to do it, at this point. Follow Steadfast's advice about letting this thing play out while you don't engage in arguments.

 

As for dealing with YOUR pain and anger. Well I am all too familiar with that...she will have to accept that you're going to be hurt and angry about this situation. It was one thing one of the therapists we spoke to together that hit home with me. He told me point blank "You H has a right to feel hurt and anger over this situation. He does not have a right to abuse you - so now you need to recognize the difference between his natural and acceptable reaction to a bad situation or an unnatural and abusive reaction." Ok so it's paraphrased, you get the idea though. Maybe tell her that. Tell her you don't want to be passive aggressive, but you need to be able to feel how you're going to feel about this situation. She needs to be ok with you having feelings so long as you keep them in the normal and acceptable range. You're not turning to drugs, you're not punching holes in the walls, you're not degrading her...ok, so maybe lay groundwork for what is an acceptable outlet for your anger.

 

The problems you had in your marriage did not change because she had an affair. They existed before and the affair is nothing more than a symptom of the cancer that was destroying your marriage in the first place. Let's make it extra nasty, eh? Think of her affair as anal leakage, right?? Cause that's about how nice of a symptom it is - now you may have gotten rid of that leakage - she's doing her healing process and whatnot - but the cancer that led to it?? It's time to see if that can be fixed. If not, then there is no marriage here.

 

So...you said something in an earlier post that caught my attention. You swore at yourself and inflicted physical pain on yourself as a result of your evening spent with another woman. Ok...so...lot's of things to address here. First of all - don't make matters worse by lying to her. If you were honest for 15 years - stay on that path. You think it's bad now? Add YOU lying to the mix and see how much worse it can get. Second - you abused yourself as a result of a bad experience. Not ok. In this journey to self healing and betterment you must realize you cannot expect yourself not to abuse others if you're abusing yourself. Especially with your history. Ok? Let's say that again in another way - if you abuse yourself you WILL revert back to abusing those around you in one fashion or another. It's not "it could happen" or "maybe". Are we straight on this subject? Don't do it again.

 

My H was a cutter. When we first got married and had some very big blow out's - he punished himself and me by cutting himself. That went away for awhile when I told him I couldn't live like that...but after the A?? Oh wow...yeah...he carved the word FAILURE into his leg, F**K into an arm (thankfully they both healed and you cannot read them). He took a straight razor to his upper thigh and put four deep straight lines in there that are still there. On each upper arm he has a large X. Need I go on? I told him I couldn't live with a cutter, that finding these new wounds on him worried me for his welfare and for what he was going to teach our children. His pain was real and justified - his outlet was not justifiable. I told him if he ever cut himself again I would leave. On some things he has wriggle room - on this he does not. If we have a huge blow out tomorrow and he reacts by cutting into himself?? I will leave.

 

Self abuse like cutting or hitting oneself is often just a gateway to external abuse and manipulation. He could see when he hurt himself in that way that it hurt me as well - it had a dual purpose - an outlet for him and a way to hurt me and get me to do things to try to make him feel better. When I stopped playing into that hand he quit doing it. When he had something to lose from it, he stopped doing it.

 

You need to speak to a counselor about these tendencies and find healthier outlets. Even if that means going to a gym and beating the crud out of a punching bag...breathing techniques...running...swimming...writing...whatever you need to do.

 

K, jumping off my soap box now. Just seemed like no one keyed into that and you wouldn't have mentioned it without purpose.

 

some great ideas there SR...thanks...............as for inflicting pain on myself....no worries; it was just a metaphor I was using to describe that I felt like an idiot for passing on that girl, but looking back now I am glad I didn't act on that impulse...it would only have complicated matters

[ShatteredReality]

some great ideas there SR...thanks...............as for inflicting pain on myself....no worries; it was just a metaphor I was using to describe that I felt like an idiot for passing on that girl, but looking back now I am glad I didn't act on that impulse...it would only have complicated matters

 

Good. LOL. Sorry if I took it too literally...but I am sure you can imagine for a gal like me...well there isn't a lot that I can't imagine in the literal sense!! K...well try not to be too hard on yourself there either. But I am glad you didn't have a revenge affair...cause that would only make all of this more difficult for both of you.

[stillafool]

so what kind of proof can she give me that the A is done besides her word and his? the keylogger is also quiet

 

By making her give you full disclosure to everything.

 

Also she is bitter about your telling OMW because she knows if you hadn't done that MM would still be seeing her. I think she keeps going back and forth about wanting to "work on her marriage" because she still holds hope that MM did love her and sooner or later will want to leave his wife and be with her. If he shows her that he does miss her and want to start up the affair again she will not want to work things out with you. If he does not want her back she will settle for the marriage she has with you. Do you want to be her second choice? Or is that better than nothing at all to you?

[c0nfuzd]

what is full disclosure? do you mean she should tell me every detail of their A? like what kind of sexual positions she did with him? I can clearly see she is ashamed of what happened; she told me that her "world is crumbling" so I think she finally understands the mistake of it; besides, do I really want to hear how she did V 2 M with him?

 

this morning on her b-day she was crying like a little girl; I asked her if I should just leave the room and let her be with the kids; she replied that it has nothing to do with me...meaning she feels betrayed by the man she thought loved her as much as she loved him; I told her I am there to talk to her about anything and she said she did not want to talk to anybody....I haven't even seen an email from her boss to her wishing her a HB, but there are tons from everyone else in the office

 

would I settle for second choice? yes at this point because I am sure that given some time, she will realize that I am the best choice not only for the kids but for her as well; how we feel today cannot determine how we feel a year or 10 from now

[turnera]

Full disclosure is just a level of willingness to tell you anything you want to know...instead of dodging and hemming and hawing around and giving justifications why she won't tell you something.

 

It's letting you look at her phone whenever you ask, so you can check for texts from him.

 

It's being willing to explain any changes in plans, such as going somewhere after work, so you won't be left at home worrying and wondering if she's meeting him.

 

It's her mental state of being. It will take a while for her to go through withdrawal. Focus on you, implementing all you've learned, becoming a better husband and man and father...always smell great and look great. Find out her top Emotional Needs and your top Love Busters to her, and spend this time meeting the needs and eliminating the LBs. If she's truly done with him, and not done with you, she'll slowly start to have the fog lift from her eyes, and she'll notice you again. That's why it's so important to do all these things - you want to look as amazing as possible when she finally sees you again.

 

Have you ever gone to the www.bettermen.org site? It's a great place for men to learn and grow.

[2long]

I'm losing track of a few things.

 

Does she still work with the OM?

 

-ol' 2long

[c0nfuzd]

yes she does...she tells me that OM asked her to start looking for another job while he does the same; the agreement is that whomever finds one first, leaves first; but she tells me that she's thinking of sticking it out and let him leave....how convenient

 

on another note, looks like her friend has given her a separation agreement which I am sure she will be showing me shortly...obviously she will ask me to leave the house; do I have any say in this? should I involve a lawyer?

[c0nfuzd]

Full disclosure is just a level of willingness to tell you anything you want to know...instead of dodging and hemming and hawing around and giving justifications why she won't tell you something.

 

It's letting you look at her phone whenever you ask, so you can check for texts from him.

 

It's being willing to explain any changes in plans, such as going somewhere after work, so you won't be left at home worrying and wondering if she's meeting him.

 

It's her mental state of being. It will take a while for her to go through withdrawal. Focus on you, implementing all you've learned, becoming a better husband and man and father...always smell great and look great. Find out her top Emotional Needs and your top Love Busters to her, and spend this time meeting the needs and eliminating the LBs. If she's truly done with him, and not done with you, she'll slowly start to have the fog lift from her eyes, and she'll notice you again. That's why it's so important to do all these things - you want to look as amazing as possible when she finally sees you again.

 

Have you ever gone to the www.bettermen.org site? It's a great place for men to learn and grow.

 

 

then I guess she is not ready to give me full disclosure....she says this will happen if she agrees to work on M....which she has not yet

[turnera]

She can ASK you to leave YOUR HOUSE all she wants. You'd be stupid to do so, however.

 

SHE is the one who wants out; therefore, SHE can leave.

[robf1971]

...obviously she will ask me to leave the house; do I have any say in this? should I involve a lawyer?

 

You don't have to leave, she doesn't have to leave. In some areas if you leave it can be construed as abandonment and count against you in a divorce court. If you don't have a lawyer involved now you should start looking.

[2long]

yes she does...she tells me that OM asked her to start looking for another job while he does the same; the agreement is that whomever finds one first, leaves first; but she tells me that she's thinking of sticking it out and let him leave....how convenient

 

I'd be far more impressed with what the company has 2 say about the affairees working 2gether, or the boss having an affair with a subordinate. If they don't know about the affair, they should. While they're working 2gether and "agreeing" on a plan 2gether, they're in contact. You might as well consider the affair still ongoing, because she's not going 2 start true withdrawal until she is no longer in contact with him.

 

And, with time, you'll care less and less whether she's started withdrawal, because since d-day you've been "getting over" her at a pace of your own.

 

on another note, looks like her friend has given her a separation agreement which I am sure she will be showing me shortly...obviously she will ask me to leave the house; do I have any say in this? should I involve a lawyer?

 

Her friend gave her a separation agreement??? Ignore it. Either get a lawyer, or if you think you can work with her on an agreement, a mediator. A mediator will cost far less than a lawyer, and might even help you save your marriage (though that's not their job, it can have a profound effect on a WS' 2 have 2 negotiate legalities of your separation WITH you. It worked fabulously for me!

 

-ol' 2long

[2sunny]

You could potentially live like this forever... IF you keep handing her all this power...

 

Or you could get a healthy boundary - one that demands she disclose everything you want or need to know ...

 

And quit her job today - or you will tell the HR dept at her work first thing in the morning.

 

Her tears are for her OM... Those emotions are saved for him. That should tell you everything you need to know.

 

A healthy man with a boundary would say "get out" - " go be with him because you're not really here with me anyway"!

 

But you won't - because you are willing to settle for being " second".

 

Could be second forever unless you change things.

 

But you're just waiting and allowing her to call all the shots = handing her all the power.

 

Take some of your power back!