should I win her back?

[seibert253]

then I guess she is not ready to give me full disclosure....she says this will happen if she agrees to work on M....which she has not yet

 

If she doesn't want to work on the M, then you need to start working on the D.

 

Sometimes this can change their attitude and open their eyes. If not, well then you're 50 yards ahead of her in full sprint, and she hasn't even left the gate.

[robf1971]

You could potentially live like this forever... IF you keep handing her all this power...

 

Or you could get a healthy boundary - one that demands she disclose everything you want or need to know ...

 

And quit her job today - or you will tell the HR dept at her work first thing in the morning.

 

Her tears are for her OM... Those emotions are saved for him. That should tell you everything you need to know.

 

A healthy man with a boundary would say "get out" - " go be with him because you're not really here with me anyway"!

 

But you won't - because you are willing to settle for being " second".

 

Could be second forever unless you change things.

 

But you're just waiting and allowing her to call all the shots = handing her all the power.

 

Take some of your power back!

 

This is an excellent point. Right now OP's wife needs this. This is what a man does, he makes strong decisions. The OP just sitting there and being MR nicey nice guy, makes his wife subconciously feel that he can't stand up for her or his family, totally unnatracive to her.

 

If confuzed, did all that and packed her stuff, yep she'd hate him but respect would be regained and that is a prerequisite for a woman to be able to love. Right now Confused is acting like a scared child and it's repelling his wife. He needs to start making decisions!!

[Owl]

yes she does...she tells me that OM asked her to start looking for another job while he does the same; the agreement is that whomever finds one first, leaves first; but she tells me that she's thinking of sticking it out and let him leave....how convenient

 

on another note, looks like her friend has given her a separation agreement which I am sure she will be showing me shortly...obviously she will ask me to leave the house; do I have any say in this? should I involve a lawyer?

 

If I were in your shoes...

 

...my next step would be an "anonymous" call to her company's HR representative/her boss's boss, informing them of the affair, and pointing out to them the lawsuit potential given the possibility of favortism/etc...since her OM is her boss.

 

I'd also make it crystal clear to your wife that you are DONE waiting for her to decide if she wants to work on the marriage or not. She chooses...now. If she chooses not to...that means she chooses to be the one to leave the house, etc...

 

If she wants to stay...that means she quits her job that same day.

 

Yes...tough choices. All are a DIRECT RESULT OF HER CHOICE TO HAVE AN AFFAIR WITH HER BOSS.

 

Seriously....spell it out to her that simply, that cleanly. Don't argue, don't fight, don't show any anger or frustration to her. Spell it out...tell her she's got til the end of the weekend to make her choice and implement whichever set of actions fall into place as a result.

 

DONE.

[2sunny]

So she stays in the job while misleading her boss (OM) to think she's on a job search. She lies

 

She stays in the house and the M - yet acts as if she doesn't love you. She lies

 

 

 

Her words and actions don't match - which always shows a lie.

 

She may not intend for you to understand her truth - yet she does what she wants behind your back... Nothing about that is love. That's mean.

[stillafool]

what is full disclosure? do you mean she should tell me every detail of their A? like what kind of sexual positions she did with him? I can clearly see she is ashamed of what happened; she told me that her "world is crumbling" so I think she finally understands the mistake of it; besides, do I really want to hear how she did V 2 M with him?

 

this morning on her b-day she was crying like a little girl; I asked her if I should just leave the room and let her be with the kids; she replied that it has nothing to do with me...meaning she feels betrayed by the man she thought loved her as much as she loved him; I told her I am there to talk to her about anything and she said she did not want to talk to anybody....I haven't even seen an email from her boss to her wishing her a HB, but there are tons from everyone else in the office

 

would I settle for second choice? yes at this point because I am sure that given some time, she will realize that I am the best choice not only for the kids but for her as well; how we feel today cannot determine how we feel a year or 10 from now

 

No, you do not need to know every nasty detail of their affair. Do as Tunera said and stop acting like a wuss. You are turning your wife off.

 

She's sitting around crying over this man who doesn't want her and doesn't even care that you know she is crying for him. Why are you trying to comfort her? Don't you understand that you are sickening to her right now? She see's you as the cause of all her problems. She wants you out of there and that's why her friend gave her the separation agreement. Make her leave if she's unhappy and you keep the kids. Tell her to go have some alone time somewhere else.

 

She will only choose you as second choice when she is sure she has nothing else. It sounds like she has lost all desire for you and don't be surprised if this affair ends that she gets involved with someon else. Why? Because she has lost respect for you as a man. Women need to respect a man to love him. Even though her boss let her down she still has respect for him because he is strong enough to stand up to her. Of course you are the best choice for your kids - YOU ARE THEIR FATHER and nothing in this world is going to change that even if the two of you divorce. Only she can decide who is the best choice for her.

[ShatteredReality]

If I were in your shoes...

 

...my next step would be an "anonymous" call to her company's HR representative/her boss's boss, informing them of the affair, and pointing out to them the lawsuit potential given the possibility of favortism/etc...since her OM is her boss.

 

I'd also make it crystal clear to your wife that you are DONE waiting for her to decide if she wants to work on the marriage or not. She chooses...now. If she chooses not to...that means she chooses to be the one to leave the house, etc...

 

If she wants to stay...that means she quits her job that same day.

 

Yes...tough choices. All are a DIRECT RESULT OF HER CHOICE TO HAVE AN AFFAIR WITH HER BOSS.

 

Seriously....spell it out to her that simply, that cleanly. Don't argue, don't fight, don't show any anger or frustration to her. Spell it out...tell her she's got til the end of the weekend to make her choice and implement whichever set of actions fall into place as a result.

 

DONE.

 

Agreed. There is a fair amount of recovery left in her post affair life - but either way she needs to make a choice which direction she's going to take. That was crucial to my recovery. I sat on the fence about my marriage for a long time - but when I chose to work on it I needed to back that choice with actions. Each time I took another step toward my husband I took another step out of the dungeon.

[c0nfuzd]

:( :( :(

 

just when I think I've got it all figured out, I discover some more.......in an email she sent him describing how wonderful his penis is, taste and all....she adds the following sentence:

 

"10+ years later, I can't get enough.".........turns out she slept with this guy before we were even married...can you frickin believe it?????

 

so I confronted her about it and told her how I came to this realization, using common sense (couldn't tell her about keylogger so I bullshyted my way thru it)....of course she denied it and called me crazy...when I asked her if she wanted me to get proof for this crazy statement, instead of her saying "go ahead, you ain't gonna find anything", she turned it around on me and said that I was trying to provoke her...nice deflection

 

I then said I would talk to OM about this and she got even more upset, asking me what I was trying to achieve with this...I guess she's right so I decided to leave it alone....she did say that she doesn't want to talk about A anymore until we go to MC; she would then come clean (pun intended) about everything; she says she is afraid what I would do with any details she gives me about the A.....interesting that she is now considering this

 

I feel at this point that I should leave...here's a woman that has hoodwinked me for over 10 years; clearly took advantage of the fact I was high while she enjoyed herself with this man...

 

and honestly, there is growing doubt in my mind that our kids may not even be mine after all; they don't really look like me and I've always thought this from the time of their birth; if you recall in an earlier post in this thread, I mentioned that in one of her emails to him, she says how much she would LOVE to have a baby with him, and that if she did get pregnant, she is not sure what the last name on the birth certificate would be, but would hope it's his....I told her the first thing I will do when D takes place, is do a DNA test on the kids....I wouldn't be surprised by the results at all....that will cap this HUGE lie our marriage was

 

in the end, I'm not sure what is worst....my drug addiction or her deception for so many years

 

and I know you guys will rip into me but.......I'm BACK IN THE BASEMENT...I just couldn't handle her daily crying....now go ahead and let me have it

[2sunny]

Let you have it??? You have nothing.

 

And why go to MC? What a farce!

 

Simply file for D and have her served!

 

End of story - unless you love torturing yourself!

[c0nfuzd]

Let you have it??? You have nothing.

 

And why go to MC? What a farce!

 

Simply file for D and have her served!

 

End of story - unless you love torturing yourself!

 

funny she used the same words when I asked her why she won't admit what she did before our M with this guy

[Steadfast]

funny she used the same words when I asked her why she won't admit what she did before our M with this guy

 

The difference is 2sunny is giving you advice. You don't want advice from your wife, you want the truth. Maybe she knows you can't handle it, maybe she can't handle that. Do you expect this woman to suddenly start telling the truth? Will you continue to squeeze this rock until blood comes out? She is covering her a$$ yet you keep trying to get her to stop.

 

She's not going to!

 

Try this approach; what do you want to happen? That is, besides your wife to be the woman you thought you married. What path leads to sanity?

 

Tell her you're filing, put the house on the market and lawyer up. What kind of life is this? Your household sounds like a war zone. The kids must be confused and upset. For God's sake, stop talking to her. It's pointless.

[turnera]

So...you married a woman who's been cheating on you for your entire marriage and throughout that marriage, telling OM how much she wants him...and you haven't filed yet?

[SimonMas]

With this new piece of information, the whole structure has changed. If I were you, I would proceed immediately with DNA testing to determine if they are indeed your kids. No need to wait for D.

 

Since there is strong indication that the affair started before you got married clearly shows that her feelings for the OM are deeply rooted. It will be quite a challenge for you to win her over, though it is not impossible. Was the OM married at that time?

 

Everyone has his or her own way in dealing things. As for me, I am not a very patient person and pretty decisive when it comes to dealing with issues. If this has been me, I will give her an ultimatum – either to choose M or D. Ten years of affair is more than enough for me to know that this is not a fling but a long term affair. The only strong point I can see going for you is that she is willing to go MC. I certainly wish you luck.

[2sunny]

The difference is 2sunny is giving you advice. You don't want advice from your wife, you want the truth. Maybe she knows you can't handle it, maybe she can't handle that. Do you expect this woman to suddenly start telling the truth? Will you continue to squeeze this rock until blood comes out? She is covering her a$$ yet you keep trying to get her to stop.

 

She's not going to!

 

Try this approach; what do you want to happen? That is, besides your wife to be the woman you thought you married. What path leads to sanity?

 

Tell her you're filing, put the house on the market and lawyer up. What kind of life is this? Your household sounds like a war zone. The kids must be confused and upset. For God's sake, stop talking to her. It's pointless.

 

It's true...you've NEVER had any truth from your W - why would she start now? She won't. Her alliance and commitment is to her OM - whether she's married or not. She's never been in the M! Yet YOU fail to believe ALL this evidence, why aren't YOU believing what is real?

 

Her tears - they are for her OM. Face it - she's never been in the M.

 

Tell her no MC. Seriously, you know as much as you need to know - to understand that there wasn't a marriage because she always was connected to HIM.

 

No use wasting any more time and energy pretending there is - or ever was - a marriage.

 

She blows!!! Don't know if I've seen a woman here so cruel like this for such AB extended amount of years - keeping up with such a farce. Makes me really angry to even call her a woman...there are more appropriate words for a female with such lack of a moral compass.

 

Stealing years of someone's happiness with blatant lies... I wish they could put people in jail for such purposeful mean behavior.

[robf1971]

:( :( :( :(

 

just when I think I've got it all figured out, I discover some more.......in an email she sent him describing how wonderful his penis is, taste and all....she adds the following sentence:

 

"10+ years later, I can't get enough.".........turns out she slept with this guy before we were even married...can you frickin believe it?????

 

so I confronted her about it and told her how I came to this realization, using common sense (couldn't tell her about keylogger so I bullshyted my way thru it)....of course she denied it and called me crazy...when I asked her if she wanted me to get proof for this crazy statement, instead of her saying "go ahead, you ain't gonna find anything", she turned it around on me and said that I was trying to provoke her...nice deflection

 

I then said I would talk to OM about this and she got even more upset, asking me what I was trying to achieve with this...I guess she's right so I decided to leave it alone....she did say that she doesn't want to talk about A anymore until we go to MC; she would then come clean (pun intended) about everything; she says she is afraid what I would do with any details she gives me about the A.....interesting that she is now considering this

 

I feel at this point that I should leave...here's a woman that has hoodwinked me for over 10 years; clearly took advantage of the fact I was high while she enjoyed herself with this man...

 

and honestly, there is growing doubt in my mind that our kids may not even be mine after all; they don't really look like me and I've always thought this from the time of their birth; if you recall in an earlier post in this thread, I mentioned that in one of her emails to him, she says how much she would LOVE to have a baby with him, and that if she did get pregnant, she is not sure what the last name on the birth certificate would be, but would hope it's his....I told her the first thing I will do when D takes place, is do a DNA test on the kids....I wouldn't be surprised by the results at all....that will cap this HUGE lie our marriage was

 

in the end, I'm not sure what is worst....my drug addiction or her deception for so many years

 

and I know you guys will rip into me but.......I'm BACK IN THE BASEMENT...I just couldn't handle her daily crying....now go ahead and let me have it

 

Give her to the OM. Tell her, that you want them to be together. Load the car up with her stuff, take her to the OM's house. Then file for divorce.

[ShatteredReality]

Confused...my heart breaks for you. Seriously. I know how difficult this must be for you. I am the eternal optimist...anyone on here can tell you I am one of the last to say give up...

 

If she has never came clean to you once about cheating, but began cheating before she ever even married you - why did she marry you? If she's so in love with OM and can't get enough of him after more than 10yrs - why didn't she marry him?? (I ratted myself out post affair...quickly, actually)

 

She's nothing more than his plaything, kept on the side for an ego boost and a little forbidden pleasure. It's amazing he's kept her around this long - but she must have proven not to be much of a problem in his "real" life, otherwise he'd have left her by the roadside in an instant.

 

File. Rip the bandaid off and just do it. Get the DNA test on the children. If you love them and have gone through the trouble to raise them thus far, even if they're not yours they still can be. My stepfather was a much better father to me than my biological one - I could have been a lost cause at times if not for his guidance and concern. Never underestimate your role in the life of a child. But I'll tell you this - do it or don't do it. You're their father or you aren't...make that choice and stick to it, no matter what the biological results are.

 

As far as her work situation. Honestly - I'd do as Owl said and make that call to HR. Report her. Throw her under the bus. Him too. At the very least what they've been doing is in appropriate and dishonesty like that shouldn't be covered over. Don't be vengeful about it...don't send in pictures of them from their business trips or anything, just report it and let the company do or not do what they will with it.

 

The optimist in me wants to say something nice like...after all the dust settles maybe you two can date and get to know eachother for real - no drugs and no affairs....but the realist in me says you need to mourn the loss of the life you thought you had, be proud of the changes and progress you've made...and begin to pick up the pieces to move forward.

Edited February 15, 2012 by ShatteredReality
sp

[2long]

I can't remember if you ever said how old your kids are. If you don't think they look like you and you suspect that OM may be their biological father, then it should only take a glance at a photo of him (though I suspect you already know him) 2 see if they resemble him at all.

 

You don't need a DNA test, except maybe for your lawyer's benefit in helping you draw up the divorce papers. Legally, they are your kids. You're on the birth certificate and you've raised them. But if they are biologically the OM's, ask your lawyer if you can sue him for back child support.

 

Lastly, I realize that you're still pretty new 2 the discovery of your W's affair. But the sooner you realize that the signs of true remorse on her part are not there and not likely 2 2rn up any time soon, the better off you'll be.

 

So, why the hell isn't she still in the basement?

 

-ol' 2long

[c0nfuzd]

With this new piece of information, the whole structure has changed. If I were you, I would proceed immediately with DNA testing to determine if they are indeed your kids. No need to wait for D.

 

Since there is strong indication that the affair started before you got married clearly shows that her feelings for the OM are deeply rooted. It will be quite a challenge for you to win her over, though it is not impossible. Was the OM married at that time?

 

Everyone has his or her own way in dealing things. As for me, I am not a very patient person and pretty decisive when it comes to dealing with issues. If this has been me, I will give her an ultimatum – either to choose M or D. Ten years of affair is more than enough for me to know that this is not a fling but a long term affair. The only strong point I can see going for you is that she is willing to go MC. I certainly wish you luck.

 

Yes he was and still is. W can't seem to understand that this man will never give up his family for her....he's had 10 years to do it and hasn't still; here's what I think really happened....they had sex before our marriage and my W put a stop to it once we got married....all the way until last year when she realized she was done with our M...

 

 

Confused...my heart breaks for you. Seriously. I know how difficult this must be for you. I am the eternal optimist...anyone on here can tell you I am one of the last to say give up...

 

If she has never came clean to you once about cheating, but began cheating before she ever even married you - why did she marry you? If she's so in love with OM and can't get enough of him after more than 10yrs - why didn't she marry him?? (I ratted myself out post affair...quickly, actually)

 

She's nothing more than his plaything, kept on the side for an ego boost and a little forbidden pleasure. It's amazing he's kept her around this long - but she must have proven not to be much of a problem in his "real" life, otherwise he'd have left her by the roadside in an instant.

 

File. Rip the bandaid off and just do it. Get the DNA test on the children. If you love them and have gone through the trouble to raise them thus far, even if they're not yours they still can be. My stepfather was a much better father to me than my biological one - I could have been a lost cause at times if not for his guidance and concern. Never underestimate your role in the life of a child. But I'll tell you this - do it or don't do it. You're their father or you aren't...make that choice and stick to it, no matter what the biological results are.

 

As far as her work situation. Honestly - I'd do as Owl said and make that call to HR. Report her. Throw her under the bus. Him too. At the very least what they've been doing is in appropriate and dishonesty like that shouldn't be covered over. Don't be vengeful about it...don't send in pictures of them from their business trips or anything, just report it and let the company do or not do what they will with it.

 

The optimist in me wants to say something nice like...after all the dust settles maybe you two can date and get to know eachother for real - no drugs and no affairs....but the realist in me says you need to mourn the loss of the life you thought you had, be proud of the changes and progress you've made...and begin to pick up the pieces to move forward.

 

 

I appreciate your feedback as always SR and everyone else too....I don't know why I am so afraid to file....everything and everyone tells me that it's the right thing at this point but still I choose not to...I am scared deep down of the unknown and I keep thinking that this can all be fixed somehow but even I am beginning to understand this is most likely not possible in the state our M is

 

so tonight I called her up (she's on a business trip and no not with him, I've checked his account and he shows no flight bookings for today, but there is one next week so we'll see if W is honest about that one) and told her that I am ready to file for D....that I can't live this lie anymore and that I am done...initially she asked why we couldn't do separation; I don't get why she wants separation and not D....what's the diff? I told her I want D and she has till May when it becomes official....I told her that it's clear she doesn't love me so why carry this out any longer? let's be done with it so I can move on

 

she called me back twice and tried convincing me into not proceeding...hmm, odd to say the least...she repeated that she wants more time to heal from her A...I explained to her that she's been crying daily over another man, and that it's humiliating to me and degrading...I have to sleep in a basement while she tries to soother herself over another man....she does not understand what her A has done to me....she continues to say that she had the A outside of our M even though she initiated the A before D-day...she just won't take responsibility for any of it...all she can say is that she was wrong and that's it....meanwhile, I have been treated like a dog for over 9 months, thrown in the dungeon, and removed from family events

 

at one point she said that we should do this amicably...I told her there is nothing amicable in what she did....what I get from it is that she wants to save on the costs of lawyers, and does not care about us

 

I am very close to filing, closer than I've ever been...she will call me one more time tonight.....damage control I guess

[2long]

I am very close to filing, closer than I've ever been...she will call me one more time tonight.....damage control I guess

 

I'll believe you when you ac2ally file.

 

Look, I'm not trying 2 beat up on you, but in a sitch like this with small kids and property at stake, and a WW who STILL shows no signs of true remorse, you could be in a heck of a financial mess in short order if you don't take control of this si2ation right now and protect yourself.

 

There's practically no possible way you could have an amicable divorce. Those are very rare, especially when one spouse has been unfaithful.

 

Fasten your seatbelt!

 

-ol' 2long

[2long]

Oh, and when she calls?

 

Don't answer!

[c0nfuzd]

I can't remember if you ever said how old your kids are. If you don't think they look like you and you suspect that OM may be their biological father, then it should only take a glance at a photo of him (though I suspect you already know him) 2 see if they resemble him at all.

 

You don't need a DNA test, except maybe for your lawyer's benefit in helping you draw up the divorce papers. Legally, they are your kids. You're on the birth certificate and you've raised them. But if they are biologically the OM's, ask your lawyer if you can sue him for back child support.

 

Lastly, I realize that you're still pretty new 2 the discovery of your W's affair. But the sooner you realize that the signs of true remorse on her part are not there and not likely 2 2rn up any time soon, the better off you'll be.

 

So, why the hell isn't she still in the basement?

 

-ol' 2long

 

they're both under 10

 

I'll believe you when you ac2ally file.

 

Look, I'm not trying 2 beat up on you, but in a sitch like this with small kids and property at stake, and a WW who STILL shows no signs of true remorse, you could be in a heck of a financial mess in short order if you don't take control of this si2ation right now and protect yourself.

 

There's practically no possible way you could have an amicable divorce. Those are very rare, especially when one spouse has been unfaithful.

 

Fasten your seatbelt!

 

-ol' 2long

 

thanks for this...so true....she seems bent on doing it amicably to save costs...that's for sure

[c0nfuzd]

Oh, and when she calls?

 

Don't answer!

 

why not? what do I have 2 lose?

[2long]

Instead of telling you what you might have 2 lose by answering her call and listening 2 her bullfeathers, I'd rather tell you what you'll gain by not engaging her.

 

Peace.

 

Spend the time you would spend on the phone playing with your kids. Or, if you must answer the phone, put the kids on and go do something else.

 

When she asks you why you won't talk 2 her, do what I did, and say "I don't feel like it." Or "what for?"

 

Let her cry herself 2 sleep.

 

-ol' 2long

[2sunny]

why not? what do I have 2 lose?

 

You lose your self respect.

 

She's probably buying time to save face - build a case against you - try to make YOU look bad - and/or save/hide more money from you.

 

Don't talk to her - she's only gonna find ways to make you look bad so she can try blaming it on you.

 

Let her live with what mess she created...don't engage!

 

She's so done - and has been for a long time - no reason to wait on moving forward.

 

Get busy - you have work to do!

[c0nfuzd]

glad I spoke to her last night cuz the story gets even better....turns out she kissed and effed this guy while we were engaged....at the time, all I knew is that they shared an intimate kiss; hard to believe that I decided to still marry her just knowing this; I didn't know about them sleeping 2gether back then

 

anyways, here's an interesting tidbit; when she landed yesterday, she sent him the following message:

 

Landed. Still on the plane. Did you set up a new acct?

 

wonder if this is a new bank account that they are talking about or if it's work related? 2sunny, you may be right in that she is trying to hide money; gonna ask her for access to her bank account as soon as she gets back; lucky for me, I already have an idea of what the amount of money is in there; if I see any discrepancy, that's it

[turnera]

Why do you even care? You're so weak you moved BACK into the basement. Just give up and tell her you'll be her doormat for life.