should I win her back?

[2sunny]

The Mom offered - and the sister is encouraging her to D you.

 

I wouldn't trust that the offer doesn't have ulterior motives of SOME sort. Mom may or may not know...

 

That affair isn't over since she was on his street yesterday. She may want you to believe its over - but evidently, it's not.

 

Let her explain things to her Mom when she moves in with her.

 

As far as the Mom - I smell a rat!

[Steadfast]

thank you for the post....it makes me feel like I am not crazy for not listening to the others who want me to quit; it's interesting to hear from someone who has been in my W's situation and see how they view things

 

You do have an excellent resource in SR, and something many of us didn't have going through what you're facing. Just the same, remember the advice I gave you before; your wife -even if she is capable of mustering the strength SR did to save her marriage- is a long way from that. For now, take the advice you've been given about not engaging. It is sound.

 

FWIW, you should know the odds are not in your favor. See, the thing you don't seem to be getting is the affair is not your enemy...and neither is the OM. He's scum, but your wife (IMO) is worse for letting this scum into your lives. In my opinion, she's gone and won't return...again, because the overwhelming odds are against a man whose wife has professed love for someone else. In this regard, women and men are very, very different. ShatteredReality and some of the other reconciled wives on this forum are the rare exception, not the rule. The advice 2sunny and others are posting probably represents the best chance of saving your relationship. You see it differently because you're running on instinct.

 

Instincts are a betrayed spouse's worse enemy. Don't trust them. Don't.

 

I do however, understand the struggle. I wish I didn't. Sincerely.

 

Hell no - don't move!

 

She's probably afraid to have her Mom "see" what really IS going on in her life (the OM). She probably doesn't want Mom to see how she's been operating.

 

Don't move! Tell her to go!

 

Best take this advice OP. No matter how much you respect your mother-in-law and value her input, this is an unfair request. I'd bet my brand new laptop the above in bold is 100% true. If your wife really wants 'space' then she'll grab the above offer and run. If she balks, she doesn't want space, she wants to be left alone to work on her deal. Bonus: mommy is handy to keep tabs on you and work the system from the backside.

 

Sadly, when push comes to shove, she will side with her daughter...no matter what. Know this. Expect it. Do not make this move. Reject it.

[seibert253]

For the love of God, DO NOT MOVE OUT OF YOUR HOME! It would be the worst mistake you'd make in this whole process.

 

You need to remember, your MIL has your WW's best interest at heart. Blood is thicker than water, doesn't matter how much you respect your MIL.

 

If you move out, your M is done. Research the stats. Then, when your WW files, she will claim you abandoned the home and the judge will agree. Doesn't mean a hill a beans what type of "agreement" you have. YOU were the one who left. Trust me on that.

 

SHE cheated, SHE needs space, SHE can move to mom's, not you.

[robf1971]

For the love of God, DO NOT MOVE OUT OF YOUR HOME! It would be the worst mistake you'd make in this whole process.

 

You need to remember, your MIL has your WW's best interest at heart. Blood is thicker than water, doesn't matter how much you respect your MIL.

 

.

 

Yep , this times a 1000

[robf1971]

she did things for him in less than 1 year that I could not get her to do for me in 15 years...she loved and worshipped this man.

 

I mean this is the point. Lets assume hypothetically your wife flung herself into your arns and proffessed her undying love for you. How would you be able to deal with what i've qouted from your post?

[stillafool]

Your mother in law has got to be out of her mind. It is her place to offer her daughter other living arrangements not you. If you take her up on that offer you will look like a complete wuss. If you MIL doesn't know about the affair tell her. You have to be strong. The fact that your SIL told your wife to get a D tells me that your wife has told her living with you is unbearable because she is still in love with OM. BTW, if you are hoping that you wife will file for D why are you still checking her phone and spying on her? What do you hope to gain by still spying. You already know how your wife feels about this man. The only reason the affair has stopped is because of OM. OM doesn't want her now and she knows this. However, I'll bet you anything that she drove past his house the other day spying on them and that's where she was coming from.

Edited February 4, 2012 by stillafool

[c0nfuzd]

MIL and SIL know about the A...they don't know all the details (I'm sparing them...for now); I did tell MIL that A lasted over a year though...the fact I leave the house cannot be used against me and I have W and MIL's word that I am protected from this

 

ok, so let's say I don't leave the house...I have to give this woman space and she won't leave; how do I give her space? I was very close to repairing this M at one point about 2 weeks ago; she had offered for me to sleep next to her in our bed and was considering re-introducing me to family events....then like an idiot I went ahead and talked to OM...ever since, her offer has been revoked

 

the only thing I can think of is to go back to the basement....and since she is not in an A anymore, I am willing to put up with it somewhat

[c0nfuzd]

Your mother in law has got to be out of her mind. It is her place to offer her daughter other living arrangements not you. If you take her up on that offer you will look like a complete wuss. If you MIL doesn't know about the affair tell her. You have to be strong. The fact that your SIL told your wife to get a D tells me that your wife has told her living with you is unbearable because she is still in love with OM. BTW, if you are hoping that you wife will file for D why are you still checking her phone and spying on her? What do you hope to gain by still spying. You already know how your wife feels about this man. The only reason the affair has stopped is because of OM. OM doesn't want her now and she knows this. However, I'll bet you anything that she drove past his house the other day spying on them and that's where she was coming from.

 

because if I find one more instance of the A still going on, I will file

[2sunny]

because if I find one more instance of the A still going on, I will file

 

Oh - you mean what evidence you have isn't enough to want to D her?

 

Don't move - and don't move to the basement.

 

And don't believe what you hear... Her heart is still with the OM - that's cheating enough for anyone to recognize.

 

Tell me this - why do you want to have to beg someone to love you and be with you?

[c0nfuzd]

I stopped begging 9 months ago...I know what I want and she knows it too...I've given her the option to walk away at any time...I ain't pressuring her; she aint' tied down, she's mature enough to figure out what is best; problem is, she's been in an A the whole time, so no wonder she don't know what she wants; I think that once the fog dissipates, she will see clearly what it is she must do....I just hope I am still around at that point

 

so I think I will stick it out for the time being with the current arrangement...stay home and upstairs; maybe she will one day come back upstairs or decide that enough is enough; I know that it's eating at her sleeping on the couch, so maybe this current setup will force her to come to an agreement sooner rather than later....as long as there is no A going on (of which I am 99.9% sure), I can wait...I am in no rush; I've read that if I can endure this and wait it out, in 5 years from now, this M will be 10 times better than what it is now; so the trick for me is to do as Steadfast says and just nod, and walk away from arguments....this A has brought back some of the old me and I can see why she told her sister that she feels my abuse all over again...even though I haven't yelled or called her names; but she can feel my anger and resentment....so I must go back to the softer me and learn to forgive her sin...but never forget

[2sunny]

She's pining for her OM... Yet you sit waiting.

 

Listen - unless she decides to completely turn her life around - be honest - earn your trust back - and REPAIR the damage she's done... All you're gonna get us an angry woman that's stuck with a man she doesn't intend to be with.

 

She needs to be uncomfortable enough to be scared - so scared that she considers changing. Changing into a gal that wants to be married to you - and ACTS like it!

 

Right now - she seems to be acting like a gal that is conspiring how NOT to be with you.

 

Ask her! And IF she intends not to be M to you - tell her to get a plan to leave the house.

 

At least that way you'll have an idea what her intentions are.

[seibert253]

She's pining for her OM... Yet you sit waiting.

 

Listen - unless she decides to completely turn her life around - be honest - earn your trust back - and REPAIR the damage she's done... All you're gonna get us an angry woman that's stuck with a man she doesn't intend to be with.

 

She needs to be uncomfortable enough to be scared - so scared that she considers changing. Changing into a gal that wants to be married to you - and ACTS like it!

 

Right now - she seems to be acting like a gal that is conspiring how NOT to be with you.

 

Ask her! And IF she intends not to be M to you - tell her to get a plan to leave the house.

 

At least that way you'll have an idea what her intentions are.

 

Sunny nailed it.

 

Listen, how long are you going to let your WW sit on the fence?

 

She has no incentive or reason to make a decision, so she doesn't. My FWW was sooooo foggy and was fencesitting until I pushed her off.

How'd I do that; I gave her an ultimatum, stay and commit to fixing what she broke, or leave and D. To show I was done playing games I began the D process. When she read the D papers, Bamm, back to reality in an instant.

 

Your WW's A may be over, but it seems her "love" of the OM has not.

Just my .02

[c0nfuzd]

I mean this is the point. Lets assume hypothetically your wife flung herself into your arns and proffessed her undying love for you. How would you be able to deal with what i've qouted from your post?

 

ouch....no fair man, you hit below the belt with this post

 

but seriously, what a night........went out to a club (told W I was working) and met this super super hot chick Isabella....she would put my W to shame, that's how fine she was; and boy did we click....problem is she's 21 and I am over 40...she had no idea I was that old; she thought I was 30 lmao....says I look young...anyways, she wanted to leave the club and go elsewhere and get more comfy with one another....but I told her I couldn't because I am married....I cussed and punched myself many times on the way back home; that was a guaranteed score and she was sooooooo hot....dang, and then I kept picturing my W doing the nasty with OM....how effed up is this?

 

there must be something wrong with me

[2sunny]

ouch....no fair man, you hit below the belt with this post

 

but seriously, what a night........went out to a club (told W I was working) and met this super super hot chick Isabella....she would put my W to shame, that's how fine she was; and boy did we click....problem is she's 21 and I am over 40...she had no idea I was that old; she thought I was 30 lmao....says I look young...anyways, she wanted to leave the club and go elsewhere and get more comfy with one another....but I told her I couldn't because I am married....I cussed and punched myself many times on the way back home; that was a guaranteed score and she was sooooooo hot....dang, and then I kept picturing my W doing the nasty with OM....how effed up is this?

 

there must be something wrong with me

 

You did type that your wife worshiped and loved her OM, yes? Only problem being is that you typed it PAST tense.

 

Now for the rest... So many things are wrong with what you did...

 

You LIED! Man, I thought you were trying to exhibit trustworthy behavior? By lying - you only reduce yourself to her level of not being decent. No lying man! if you intend to go out - simply tell your W you're getting out for some "me time".

 

Then you're meeting another gal... Sheez, you're married! So now you've toyed with a gal when you're not available. Dang, nothing is right about any of it. You involve innocent people and it really grows negative energy even BIGGER! Inviting in more negative energy will really cause a bigger mess for you!

 

Stop causing more harm.

 

You should picture all the things your wife has done - cuz then you might consider divorcing her cheating a$$ - she's screwed you over man! Get mad!

 

When your divorce is FINAL - that is when you should consider dating. There's nothing worse than a man who leads you to believe he's available - only to find out he's still married! It's mean and not necessary!

 

You may need an ego boost - I get that- but don't do it at the cost of leading anyone on and causing hurt feelings.

 

It's just not right!!!

[robf1971]

she had offered for me to sleep next to her in our bed and was considering re-introducing me to family events....then like an idiot I went ahead and talked to OM...ever since, her offer has been revoked

 

Spend a few hours going through old threads on here and the Divorcebusting Website. Then tell me that they don't all say that. It's so script that Shakespear himself could have written it!!

 

In other words it's all BS.

[robf1971]

You may need an ego boost - I get that- but don't do it at the cost of leading anyone on and causing hurt feelings.

 

It's just not right!!!

 

Agreed!!.However, there's nothing wrong with going out in mixed social groups, there are plenty of meetup groups, I think they are great, and help you take your mind off your situation. In fact, I'll go a step further, there is nothing wrong with a bit of harmless flirting, it's great for the ego. I have women hit on me and I'm 40, mostly they are in their early to mid 20's, for some reason younger women are attracted to that. But going after women in clubs, picking them up is a total no no for you!!

[c0nfuzd]

You did type that your wife worshiped and loved her OM, yes? Only problem being is that you typed it PAST tense.

 

Now for the rest... So many things are wrong with what you did...

 

You LIED! Man, I thought you were trying to exhibit trustworthy behavior? By lying - you only reduce yourself to her level of not being decent. No lying man! if you intend to go out - simply tell your W you're getting out for some "me time".

 

Then you're meeting another gal... Sheez, you're married! So now you've toyed with a gal when you're not available. Dang, nothing is right about any of it. You involve innocent people and it really grows negative energy even BIGGER! Inviting in more negative energy will really cause a bigger mess for you!

 

Stop causing more harm.

 

You should picture all the things your wife has done - cuz then you might consider divorcing her cheating a$$ - she's screwed you over man! Get mad!

 

When your divorce is FINAL - that is when you should consider dating. There's nothing worse than a man who leads you to believe he's available - only to find out he's still married! It's mean and not necessary!

 

You may need an ego boost - I get that- but don't do it at the cost of leading anyone on and causing hurt feelings.

 

It's just not right!!!

 

 

I may have lied but being honest for 15 years and look what that got me...

 

anyways, today W made a very interesting comment for the first time....she said 9 months ago she was definitely done with our M....today, she is not sure and that is why she can't get the papers done

 

now you tell me that's not hope....call me stupid but for someone who won't give up on M, this is all I needed to hear; I am making progress even though she reminded me that this should not be seen as a sign of hope.....sure honey, whatever; so you see, time is all that is needed, and also to stay away from arguing with her....she says that I really need to focus on how we communicate; that is what led to our downfall and still is a problem; she called my behaviour "passive-aggressive", in that I am calm and collected but I do try to attack her in the way that I talk and use calculated words to deliver emotional pain (ie. belittle her)

 

so I know I have areas to work on and I am more than happy to wait for her because she also has stuff to fix....maybe I will get a head-start and go back into therapy so that she can see I am proactive...sorry folks but I can't give up on my family and M....if anything, the kids would be happy I am doing this and trying to fix us

[c0nfuzd]

addicts lie? she knew about every joint I smoked, and every "trip" I took; every time I was frustrated with a situation, she knew I would run to get high...in any case, I never lied about having another relationship with a MW because I never had one; never cheated on her; despite my addiction, this has been one of my strongest character traits....honesty; I always said that if you have to lie to your wife, then you married the wrong woman

 

so she gave me some more info tonight....I asked what happened when she was ready to let me sleep next to her recently...why did she go back on that? she said that when I spoke to OMW, she had a change of heart...and because I gave her my word that I wouldn't do that...I tried explaining to her why I did it, that I didn't believe she was done with A and that it was only way to ensure the end of it

[2sunny]

So she's gonna blame you for presenting truth - her affair... Hmmm.

 

And you think you think you have "ensured" the end of that affair? Nope - you may think so - she may be trying to hide it more now... But her car was near his place just a few days ago. Yet you want so much to believe it ended that you don't see the real reason she would be on his street!

 

Go read surfer203's thread... You're sounding more like him each day. Denial protects YOU from what is true... You believe her bs- ok!

 

You're gonna stay - I get that now... Although I can't understand why you have such a loose boundary that enables her to CONTINUE treating you like crap... She is treating you terribly - but now it's not HER fault, it's YOURS! It's your fault because you allow this to happen - in fact you seem to be begging her for more.

 

Sheez, I can't watch - I feel sorry for you man, it's too hard to watch someone hand over their self respect to someone in such a willing manner.

[robf1971]

now you tell me that's not hope....

 

That's not hope, that's gaslighting

[2sunny]

9 months ago she was sure - but now she's not sure - so she hasn't gotten the papers done.

 

 

 

So YOU rely on HER to do anything?

 

I see relyong on this comment as so weak in so many ways.. You are waiting for HER decision on whether or not to be in the M - and she is waiting on her OM to see if HE is in HIS marriage.

 

So - you are essentially waiting on her who is waiting on him...

 

You are getting less than breadcrumbs and you see this as a good sign.

 

You need to asses what's really going on here. She's still pining for him - and you ink that's good.

 

 

Allowing her to fence sit isn't going to be helpful to you moving forward. Being her second choice is no prize, if you love her. And while we're on that - why do you love someone who treats you so terribly? What's right about that - that's NOT love... That's desperation.

[turnera]

...she says that I really need to focus on how we communicate; that is what led to our downfall and still is a problem; she called my behaviour "passive-aggressive", in that I am calm and collected but I do try to attack her in the way that I talk and use calculated words to deliver emotional pain (ie. belittle her)

This is usually one of women's #1 complaints about men. Do it with a guy friend, and you can shrug it off. Do it with a woman and she feels attacked, hurt, scarred...

 

So what SPECIFICALLY are you currently doing to address this in yourself?

[Owl]

Here's my thoughts, for what they're worth.

 

You do not owe her "space" in any way, shape, fashion, nor form.

 

So you do NOT leave the house, for any reasons whatsoever. Nor do you need to change YOUR way of life to "give her space".

 

If she wants "space"...then she can pay for it. She finds her own space, in her own way, at her own costs, whatever that is.

 

You continue on with life as you know it. If she's not happy with that life...SHE is the one who changes to make herself happy.

 

You (and many others here) need to remember that a period of "withdrawl" after the affair ends is NORMAL. She will grieve the loss of OM, the end of the affair, as she would the loss of any close interpersonal relationship. She's going to cry. She's going to be angry at you for "causing" the relationship to end.

 

You don't have to accept it...but you should expect it and not be surprised by that.

 

Let her grieve, but do NOT back down nor apologize for taking the actions you did. Next time she mentions you telling OMW...tell her honestly that you realize she doesn't like that, but you don't regret it one little bit. It needed to happen and you were a fool to agree to not telling in the first place. If she doesn't like that...that's HER choice, not yours. Get over it.

 

Lay down boundaries about what you'll expect and accept from her. Do NOT let her treat you like crap or hurt you just because you stood up for yourself. Set reasonable expectations. If she doesn't agree to them...she is free to leave anytime she likes. But if she's going to live with you...she'll abide by those rules. She doesn't like it...go live with momma.

 

Man up a bit. Don't let her rule you. Set reasonable boundaries, and enforce them with consequences. Let her understand clearly that she's where she's at because of her actions and choices. If she wants things to improve...she makes changes. No changes = no improvements.

 

I get that you feel that you contributed to the demise of the marriage. Fine. BUT...stop acting like you're the cause of her choice to cheat on you.

 

That choice was hers alone. Let her own it on her own, and accept FULL responsibility for that...and full consequences for it.

 

If you don't...things will never get better.

 

Make the changes you need to for yourself...make whatever changes you think may make you a better mate...but stop letting yourself accept all the blame for what's gone on, and stop tolerating her blameshifting to make herself feel better.

 

One last time...women cannot respect a man that they can treat like dirt. A woman cannot remain in love with a man she cannot respect.

 

Demand appropriate respect...show her that you deserve that respect...and accept no less from her. If she can't do that...there's the door.

 

Trust me as someone who's been there...it's your best possible course of action at this point.

 

 

Owl...out.

[robf1971]

This is usually one of women's #1 complaints about men. Do it with a guy friend, and you can shrug it off. Do it with a woman and she feels attacked, hurt, scarred...

 

So what SPECIFICALLY are you currently doing to address this in yourself?

 

Yep I heard those words, the dreaded Passive aggresive, women hate it. It took me a while to change but it's just a habit like anything else.

[2sunny]

Owl - the posts reflect a belief that her A has ended...I don't see solid evidence that it is over.

 

Until he has solid proof that it ended - there's no reason to believe it is - and no way to figure she might be considering repairing the damage caused to the M.