Kamille Posted January 20, 2012 Share Posted January 20, 2012 Last summer, a friend of mine moved to my city and asked me if I would rent her a room. I thought it would be nice for two reasons: I was new the city and thought it would be nice to live with someone and, also, I have student loans and thought the extra income would be nice. Note: I do not need the extra income. Here's the issue: She spends all of her time in her room / seems to avoid me. If I'm in the living/dining room (it's one big room), she'll eat in her room or standing in the kitchen. I don't know why that bothers me, but it does. I guess we had differing ideas about what living together would mean. But I can't help but feel that I make her uncomfortable. I might have something to do with it. I was extremely stressed out last fall with my new job and the implosion of a long-distance relationship. I was often tired and grumpy. I thanked her for bearing with me a few weeks ago. I have been doing much better and am generally relaxed and happy. The thing is that our isolation only seems to get worse. We seem to talk less and less. I don't get it. Should I approach it with her? What could be going on on her end? Link to post Share on other sites
Dust Posted January 20, 2012 Share Posted January 20, 2012 Last summer, a friend of mine moved to my city and asked me if I would rent her a room. I thought it would be nice for two reasons: I was new the city and thought it would be nice to live with someone and, also, I have student loans and thought the extra income would be nice. Note: I do not need the extra income. Here's the issue: She spends all of her time in her room / seems to avoid me. If I'm in the living/dining room (it's one big room), she'll eat in her room or standing in the kitchen. I don't know why that bothers me, but it does. I guess we had differing ideas about what living together would mean. But I can't help but feel that I make her uncomfortable. I might have something to do with it. I was extremely stressed out last fall with my new job and the implosion of a long-distance relationship. I was often tired and grumpy. I thanked her for bearing with me a few weeks ago. I have been doing much better and am generally relaxed and happy. The thing is that our isolation only seems to get worse. We seem to talk less and less. I don't get it. Should I approach it with her? What could be going on on her end? Oh god she sounds like the dream roommate. Could you imagine if I was your roommate? I'd be eating on the couch... then I'd want to do you on the couch. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kamille Posted January 20, 2012 Author Share Posted January 20, 2012 I'd be eating on the couch... then I'd want to do you on the couch. Why are you repeating the same thing twice? But seriously, I'd love to have a roommate who hung out with me on the couch. Wonder if she's trying not to bug or something. Link to post Share on other sites
Dust Posted January 20, 2012 Share Posted January 20, 2012 Why are you repeating the same thing twice? But seriously, I'd love to have a roommate who hung out with me on the couch. Wonder if she's trying not to bug or something. haha real cute Kamille! Nah I love roommates who are never home or stay in their room and let me have the place to myself. You want me to come to your town I've probably never been to and show you around some time? Link to post Share on other sites
Lucky_One Posted January 20, 2012 Share Posted January 20, 2012 Tonight is Friday. Why don't you ask her to meet after work at a fun pub and then grab some dinner. Or ask her to the movies. But try to plan some sort of fun activities to break the chilliness and make her see that you really are a fun, nice person. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted January 20, 2012 Share Posted January 20, 2012 Has she always done that, or did she used to hang out with you on the couch and such more? I have a bad habit of doing that when I move in with others. I feel like it's their house so I don't want to bother them, and I don't want to have to do daily chit-chat on the couch. The entire time I lived in a rented house in university, I ate in my room whenever I was eating in - which fortunately wasn't often. Granted, though, I wasn't friends with my roommates, just acquaintances, and we had nothing in common so friendship didn't develop. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 20, 2012 Share Posted January 20, 2012 (edited) Since she was a friend first, the socializing angle sounds like worthy of an effort or two, but don't push it. IMO, absent that, I'd leave it alone and collect the rent. You could have worse roomers. If the money is not a factor and it continues to be 'uncomfortable', end the rooming arrangement. Edited January 20, 2012 by carhill added more Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted January 21, 2012 Share Posted January 21, 2012 I've had two different roommates that did this, and I've been one myself. I believe in all instances, it had nothing to do with the other roommate, and was more of a "I just want peace and to be alone at home" kind of thing. That said, of all the people on LS, Kam... I'm surprised you haven't taken the first step in simply talking to her about this. She may be just trying not to bug you, having moved into "your" space. (I'd probably feel that way in her shoes.) She may just prefer her "own" space. (Her bedroom.) She may just really kinda space/zone out when at home, thinking that's the one place she doesn't have to be social. (Her safe place to decompress.) She may be plotting how to hurt you because she's horribly mad at something you've done. (Very unlikely.) I'd just talk to her about it, saying that you've noticed that she's been a little quiet and not spending time hanging out in common areas, and you just want to make sure you're not doing anything to make her uncomfortable. Link to post Share on other sites
johan Posted January 21, 2012 Share Posted January 21, 2012 You own the place, but it turns you're in her space. She needs a place of her own. I'm pretty sure of that. I don't know if there is any thing you can do or say, except try to be cool about it. Chances are she's not going to want to get closer. She needs to be farther away. I can't stand having roommates. I enjoy them at first, but after a while I start to avoid anything that would lead to a connection. Maybe that's how she feels, too. It's a space thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kamille Posted January 21, 2012 Author Share Posted January 21, 2012 Nice! The gang's all here! Thanks for the advice. Things have improved since I posted. (Does she know I post here?) We went out yesterday and had a couch hang out moment/conversation two days ago. I think part of what's happening is that we're in two very different spaces in our lives. I'm successfully trying to work less, she's starting a new school program and is working a lot. I'm hesitant to bring the isolation up for one simple reason: this likely has little to do with me. It is likely a space thing. She might be even more of an introvert than I am. I will eventually bring up a "check up" conversation, ie, ask her how she feels the rooming arrangement is working and if there is anything she would like to change. Link to post Share on other sites
johan Posted January 22, 2012 Share Posted January 22, 2012 I was thinking about this and it occurred to me that maybe she's a little disappointed. Did you ever have a pillow fight late at night or anything along those lines? It could be something simple like that. Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted January 22, 2012 Share Posted January 22, 2012 Last summer, a friend of mine moved to my city and asked me if I would rent her a room. I thought it would be nice for two reasons: I was new the city and thought it would be nice to live with someone and, also, I have student loans and thought the extra income would be nice. Note: I do not need the extra income. Here's the issue: She spends all of her time in her room / seems to avoid me. If I'm in the living/dining room (it's one big room), she'll eat in her room or standing in the kitchen. I don't know why that bothers me, but it does. I guess we had differing ideas about what living together would mean. But I can't help but feel that I make her uncomfortable. I might have something to do with it. I was extremely stressed out last fall with my new job and the implosion of a long-distance relationship. I was often tired and grumpy. I thanked her for bearing with me a few weeks ago. I have been doing much better and am generally relaxed and happy. The thing is that our isolation only seems to get worse. We seem to talk less and less. I don't get it. Should I approach it with her? What could be going on on her end? You've already approached her and thanked her for putting up with your grumpiness, but the fact is, if she used to be willing to hang out and is now avoiding you, then she has obviously gotten the idea that she prefers peace at home, and that keeping her distance is the way to maintain that peace she desires. Maybe you are no longer grumpy, but if people are the type that like to complain, or criticize, or are debbie downers, or are drama queens, people tend to want to keep more personal space away from those types in order to maintain the peace they need at home. I was like this with my mother when I had to stay with her for a few months to help her with some things. She was frequently complaining about something, criticizing or putting down people to me, and just had this negative vibe, that I had to put some distance there just to keep myself from getting sucked into her negative mood. I'd tend to stay in my room when at home, or filter out the negative. The negative is draining on a person, and people tend to keep their distance from people that are negative. A lot of people will try to be supportive at first, but when it becomes obviously that the person is entrenched in a negative mindset, they tend to keep their distance. All you can do at this point is to show a positive demeanor, make it enjoyable to be around you, and try to show some cheerfulness. That is what attracts people, and makes them want to be around you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kamille Posted January 24, 2012 Author Share Posted January 24, 2012 All you can do at this point is to show a positive demeanor, make it enjoyable to be around you, and try to show some cheerfulness. That is what attracts people, and makes them want to be around you. I'll do my best . Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kamille Posted January 24, 2012 Author Share Posted January 24, 2012 I was thinking about this and it occurred to me that maybe she's a little disappointed. Did you ever have a pillow fight late at night or anything along those lines? It could be something simple like that. Of course we have pillow fights. All the time. That's what girls do! That, and roller derby. Link to post Share on other sites
Dust Posted January 24, 2012 Share Posted January 24, 2012 Of course we have pillow fights. All the time. That's what girls do! That, and roller derby. Are you guys having periods on the same schedule? Maybe she's upset you guys havn't sync'd in that most special of ways yest? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kamille Posted January 24, 2012 Author Share Posted January 24, 2012 Are you guys having periods on the same schedule? Maybe she's upset you guys havn't sync'd in that most special of ways yest? Maybe the sync'd schedule is the problem. I get over-sensitive and she gets introverted! Seriously, things have improved since I posted. We've hung out a few times. I think she's the one under-going more stress right now - I think she's eating in her room in order to work in front of her computer. Basically, I probably shouldn't take it personally. I'll keep inviting her to do stuff though. It seems to help me feel good about our roomate relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
cerridwen Posted January 25, 2012 Share Posted January 25, 2012 Maybe the sync'd schedule is the problem. I get over-sensitive and she gets introverted! Premenstrual sensitivity is hot, hot, hot right now, Kamille! It's trending on Yahoo as we speak. Ride the wave! Link to post Share on other sites
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