Bad Day, Need some Guidence

[Frank13]

Long story short. Worked with my "ex". Known her for years. We became friends and ended up getting feelings for each other but couldn't act on them because she was married. We eventually got over our feelings and became, according to her, best friends. However,we were only really best work friends since we never saw each other outside of work due to her being busy with her marriage and kids.

 

The friendship ended up being pretty one sided with me doing the giving and I discussed this with her a few times. I think she just liked the attention. Although I lost the deeper feelings, I still cared about her very much as a friend but still had a small sore spot in my heart for her.

 

I decide to leave the company for other reasons and was somewhat relieved because I knew it would allow me to finally heal the small sore spot in my heart.

 

On our last phone conversation I told her that once I left the company, she would never see or hear from me again. I wasn't mean about it. I just explained that it didn't seem practical to remain friends because we only saw each other at work, that the friendship was one sided, and that I believe she doesn't care about me anywhere near as much as I care about her. I also knew this would get me to completely heal.

 

She is very guarded with her emotions so she didn't say anything. I don't know if she agreed, was sad, was crying, or didn't give a crap. After a lengthy silence I said good bye and hung up. The next day I quit without seeing her and immediately went NC.

 

It has been 2 weeks since I went NC and she has sent me 4 emails and left 2 voicemails. Some say she misses me and some say she wants me to call, but I know that is to discuss some work issues. She didn't say anything about me ending the friendship. Nothing about agreeing or disagreeing with it. The last email was one week ago saying she misses me but it was pretty short and nonchalant

 

I have ignored all of these and did not reply. I was doing really well. Some days I missed her more than others but overall I felt like I was moving forward.

 

However, today I received an email from a friend at another company in our industry where I could end up getting a job. This friend informed me that he spoke to my ex and she was bad mouthing me. She was saying things that could prevent me from getting a job.

 

I was in disbelief. Part of me felt set back just hearing about her, but then I felt a combination of being crushed, heart broken, and very angry. I couldn't understand why someone who said we were best friends, but who doesn't even care about me that much, would now threaten my future job prospects.

 

I have been staying NC and was doing well but now I feel like I am almost back at day one. I had the strong urge to call her and rip her a new a-hole. I had explained my reasons for going NC and wasn't mean about it so why can't she just let me be?

 

I eventually calmed down but still feel set back. I don't know if I should call or email her and rip her a new one, be polite and say I don't understand why she is doing this and ask her to stop, or to just stay NC.

 

There are several companies in our industry and everyone knows everyone so she has the potential to really cause me some major problems finding a job.

 

What should I do?

[smudge21]

She's shown her true colours, end of. You bruised her ego by not kissing her ass and coming running when she barked. That hurt her in ways she couldn't imagine, hence the contact during your NC. Now she's hitting out. She feels bad, knows deep down it's not really your fault, but she wants someone to blame for it... and that's you!

 

All you can do now is make sure you get some other friends to stand up for you and counter-act her claims. Try to find out exactly what's been said and then consider getting someone to advise her that what she's doing is slander and deformation of character (depending on what the laws are with you). I know that sounds serious, but this is. She's being evil and nasty, vindictive and you have to nail this before she causes any more damage. You have to right now view her as an enemy. She's no longer the girl you loved, the friend you wanted, the person you knew... she's someone out to hurt you in any way she can.

 

Sorry if all that sounds harsh, but I've seen this before when couples split and sometimes they don't do anything due to their feelings and the other person ends up ruining their lives. This action of hers tells you exactly what she is really like - acting like a spoilt child. I would definitely say she still has feelings, but those feelings are all based on her and how she feels, she doesn't care one bit about you. Fact that she let you go without a single problem, then only makes contact when she wants to, on her terms, when she's feeling down. Now she's doing all this should tell you exactly what you need to know that this is definitely 100% over now. The person you loved has gone, and I would suggest you created a perfect image of that person, rather than saw the facts. Love is blind afterall.

 

Seriously though, you need to tackle this but you need someone to do it on your behalf. You do not make contact with her as you're in no condition to react rationally right now. You just have to focus on your own life and making sure she's not part of it.

 

Sorry it went this way, but at least you know now rather than getting into a relationship with her and having her do similar then.

[esteem-jam]

She didnt show any interest while you were both working together, and her knowing your feelings. Now that you left you sort of wanted her to decide what she has not decided all this time- You or her husband/family/kids. In my opinion, it is very unlikely to happen, you may get some breadcrumbs, but not The Decision.

 

And your friend on the phone- did she say "you know, she said lots of bad things about you that arent true" OR "I heard some stuff she told me about you and its not in your favour Im afraid" ?

[Frank13]

Hi Smudge

 

You are 100% right on everything you said. Every sentence, every statement, and every word is correct and I have taken it all to heart.

 

You are so right about not being able to react rationally now. I was even going to put in my original message that I need someone to tackle this on my behalf. I was doing so well but after getting the email from my work collegue, my emotions are all over the place to an extreme. I feel anger, disgust, hatered, anxiety, disappointment, disbelief, shock, betrayal, etc. I can't even sleep.

 

I just can't understand it. The only thing that held the friendship together was us working together because we would talk a lot to pass the day. The only value I had to her was in helping to make the work day go faster. Since we don't work togther now, the friendship ceases to exist. That's just the reality and I explained it to her and got silence. I really though she would understand and that would be the end of it. She probably already has someone to replace me. Why can't she just let it go?

[Frank13]

She didnt show any interest while you were both working together, and her knowing your feelings. Now that you left you sort of wanted her to decide what she has not decided all this time- You or her husband/family/kids. In my opinion, it is very unlikely to happen, you may get some breadcrumbs, but not The Decision.

 

I know where you are coming from and I can see where you came to that conclusion, but it is not true in this case. You are right about the bread crumbs though.

 

She did show interest and was the first to admit having more than friend feelings and even got so jealous that she would take days off so she didn't have to see me working with other women. My deeper feelings disappeared months ago and shortly afterwards I met someone new who I am seeing. Although I cared about my work friend a lot, I don't see her in a romantic way anymore and we got along well as work freinds. She belongs with her husband and kids and if she wanted to get with me I would not be interested.

 

And your friend on the phone- did she say "you know, she said lots of bad things about you that arent true" OR "I heard some stuff she told me about you and its not in your favour Im afraid" ?

 

Actually it was an email from a male work collegue friend. He said that she told him about some (unjustified) confidential disciplinary action I received. She doesn't know all the details but said "Don't say anything to anybody but Frank was disciplined for xyz".

 

I think what hurts the most is that she didn't just say it, but told him "don't say anything to anybody but..." . That means she knows it was wrong to tell him and it feels like she backstabbed me. I am/was her best friend, but she betrays me to tell some guy who is just a work collegue about something that could prevent me from getting a job.

 

It just seems so vendictive. I didn't cheat on her and we weren't even in a relationship. All we had was a work friendship that ceased tp exist once I quit so why try to do harm to me.

[Frank13]

 

Actually it was an email from a male work collegue friend. He said that she told him about some (unjustified) confidential disciplinary action I received. She doesn't know all the details but said "Don't say anything to anybody but Frank was disciplined for xyz".

 

I forgot to mention that since it was a confidential matter, I could probably get her fired over it if she really wants to get vendictive with me.

[smudge21]

I forgot to mention that since it was a confidential matter, I could probably get her fired over it if she really wants to get vendictive with me.

 

You need to take all emotions out of this and see it as a personal attack on you and your career. Deal with it as if some stranger has done this. She's made her decisions and that's all that matters now. If she comes crawling back, then you have to be strong and say no way, no after this. Make it clear how evil this is a thing to do.

 

Put it simply, if anyone else had done this to you, what would you do?

[Frank13]

You need to take all emotions out of this and see it as a personal attack on you and your career. Deal with it as if some stranger has done this. She's made her decisions and that's all that matters now. If she comes crawling back, then you have to be strong and say no way, no after this. Make it clear how evil this is a thing to do.

 

Put it simply, if anyone else had done this to you, what would you do?

 

You are the smartest guy on these boards Smudge! It's like you are reading my mind while you are replying.

 

Today was so much better for me. Yesterday my emotions were so out of whack and went from one extreme to the other. Today I was able to look at this without all the emotions and even felt embarrassed having started this post.

 

Put it simply, if anyone else had done this to you, what would you do?

 

I already thought about this yesterday and realized that if someone else had done this to me, I may have been somewhat angry, but it wouldn't have hurt me or pushed my emotions to the extreme because they weren't someone who claimed to be my best friend.

 

Then today I thought about this logically. I want to be NC to get her out of my life. To me the friendship is over because I don't think she cares enough, or has time in her life, to make it work without us actually working together anymore.

 

So I came to the conclusion that it hurt me so bad because she is supposed to be my best friend. However, since I want the friendship to end, and her doing this proves she isn't my friend, what does it matter? She is just like any other stranger who would do this so why should I care?