4 Months NC -- I'm Not Pursuing

[OGP]

It's always a long story isn't it? For one, I ended it because she had a hard time expressing her feelings and she also wanted kids more than a relationship with me. To be clear though, I also want kids but I first want to be married and know that my other half has my best interest in mind.

 

Perhaps I'm not unlike most men. I want to know I'm respected and that means knowing that my needs are important in a relationship. I want a relationship to progress beyond dating to marriage and ultimately a family (in that order). I value communication and honesty above all else and need a foundation of those shared values to progress. My ideal path to a family begins with marriage and involves a shared commitment of honesty and fulfillment. I also need to know how to be fulfilling just as much as I need to be able to express my own needs, unstifled. I want win-win even if it means I compromise somewhere for the sake of my better half. There are many complexities to relationships but without a solid foundation, nothing can grow or sustain. Planning to have a child without first considering marriage, living together and discussing/planning the future as one, is not going to work with me.

 

After explaining my values and vision of the future to her, I was met with a non-response - a condecending remark to the effect of "It's nice to know that you're true to your ideals". I waited for more. Expecting something like "I really want you to be in my life and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make this work for 'us'.". I didn't get that response. Nothing else was said. So I asked how we communicate about speanding money, investing, raising our kids, maintaining our routines living together or simple things like communicating when she shuts down (problems expressing herself). She didn't have an answer other then "I'm going to miss out.. I don't want to miss out.". I didn't feel like what I wanted was important to her. Maybe she felt the same way or that I am being too practical.

 

After our prior conversation, another week past of her flaky communication and flaking last minute on commitments. Rather than continue, what became a half-hearted relationship, I packed up her stuff and dropped it off in her apartment then asked her to meet me at her place after work to "talk". She was very worried and said she didn't want to lose me. When she arrived, I explained that it's not working for me and I wouldn't continue something that isn't open and honest. She was very hysterical at this point. Couples therapy entered the conversation and I told her that I may consider that possibility when we've exhausted all of our options but we've barely talked about any of them. Prior to our final conversation, I was ready to talk about moving in possibly but not until we could figure out why she kept shutting down in conversations about serious topics between us. I told her I was willing to reconsider if she was willing to make an effort to communicate and talk about how we might start living together, leaving the door open a bit. She responded with "I don't want to make any plans with you right now". Finally, I stood up and calmly told her "I've put your needs ahead of own when you couldn't find the courage to express yourself. I've been supportive and flexible, for months. This is hard for me to say but we don't want the same things. I'm going to leave now. I'm not going to be here for you anymore.", leaving her keys. All contact stopped after I closed her apartment door.

 

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So, 4 months later, I've moved on, dated a bit now and have a clear head about the relationship with her (we dated a little less than a year). She invites me to lunch and without thinking too much about it, I accept. After all, we where always respectful and cordial with each other. After catching up, I can't help but notice I still carry strong feelings for her. It's obvious that she also feels the same way. She sent me an email later that day to thank me for agreeing to meet for lunch and for all of the ways I've helped her grow (which I can't imagine what this means). Now that I've had some distance, I don't think I'm willing to step back into this one, even though she really does make me feel good. For more than any reason, since she is thinking about artificial insemination in a few months and I don't want to stop her from her dream, no matter how much I disagree with it.

 

I'm going to respect myself and her by not pursuing her or trying to get back together. I know this is strange posting being as it's in "second chances" but I'm curious if anyone else has ever been through anything similar and how it ended up playing out for them.

 

I know this is long but thanks for reading!

[Frank13]

I think you are right not to pursue.

 

I see so many posts on here where people go NC and after time think they can see or talk to their ex, but then feelings come back.

 

I think if you got back together with her it would be the same. I don't think anything has changed with her, especially in 4 months. Frankly, I think she is just looking to have kids and doesn't care with who or how. You said yourself she wants kids more than a relationship and now she wants artificial insemination.

 

It took her 4 months to break NC. Could it be she doesn't express her feelings because she doesn't have any?

 

It is very bad to be with someone who doesn't express their feelings. You are always wondering. It causes negative stress and tension. I think the distance apart has opened your eyes and it has given you the ability to be able to not step back into a relationship.

 

I think you dodged a bullet.

[coopster]

I think you are right not to pursue.

 

I see so many posts on here where people go NC and after time think they can see or talk to their ex, but then feelings come back.

 

I think if you got back together with her it would be the same. I don't think anything has changed with her, especially in 4 months. Frankly, I think she is just looking to have kids and doesn't care with who or how. You said yourself she wants kids more than a relationship and now she wants artificial insemination.

 

It took her 4 months to break NC. Could it be she doesn't express her feelings because she doesn't have any?

 

It is very bad to be with someone who doesn't express their feelings. You are always wondering. It causes negative stress and tension. I think the distance apart has opened your eyes and it has given you the ability to be able to not step back into a relationship.

 

I think you dodged a bullet.

 

i think you should stop throwing this girl crumbs, i think you should grow up.