Has anyone ever had a "Successful Affair?"

[oldshirt]

I wasn't sure whether to put this here or in the infidelity forum but since it has a little different spin to it and I am approaching this from a marriage standpoint I opted for this forum. Mods feel free to move it if you must.

 

What my question is is if anyone has had a long term affair where noone got hurt, there wasn't any fireworks or drama or pain and suffering and where noone's marraige was damaged and the home wasn't broken.

 

The reason I am asking is because whenever someone makes a post about considering getting sex/intimacy on the side, they always seem to try to justify it saying the rest of the relationship is good besides the sex and if they could get the sex on the side, they could be satisfied with life and remain in the marriage and not be climbing the walls or constantly dissatisfied and frustrated/bitter etc.

 

I am asking if anyone has actually done this and has it worked out that way or does it always end with hurt feelings and damaged relationships and broken homes???

 

What have your actual experiences with affairs been? Did you think it was going to be fine and it went fine? Did you think it would be fine and it ended in diaster? Did your partner cheat on you thinking that it would all be roses??

 

 

PLEASE DO NOT POST TO THIS THREAD IF YOU HAVE NOT EXPERIENCED AN AFFAIR FIRSTHAND! WE ALL KNOW MOST PEOPLE THINK AFFAIRS ARE WRONG AND BAD SO YOU DON'T NEED TO POST ON WHY YOU DON'T THINK IT WOULD WORK. I ONLY WANT TO HEAR FROM PEOPLE WHO HAVE FIRSTHAND EXPERIENCE WITH THIS!!!!!!

 

Also, for the purposes of this thread, "affair" means that it is cheating and the other spouse does not know about it and did not consent to it. Swinging and open marriages etc don't count.

 

(NOTE: I am not considering an affair in any way, shape or form. I just want to hear what people's experiences have been that have tried to justify an affair)

[Philosoraptor]

Since no one else has chimed in I will...

 

I've never had an affair, but there is no successful affair. Having an affair means that you are not being fulfilled by your partner (usually emotionally actually) and there are a ton of trust issues.

 

Once you receive that fulfillment from another you realize even more that you can recieve that from someone else and that you do not have to settle for what your partner is offering you. Sometimes after the affair is brought to light things do get better... but the affair wasn't successful because the same issues could have been corrected without the need for infidelity.

[skywriter]

Since it goes without saying, this is a great big world! I'm inclined to say, there have been "successful affairs". If you want to call them that.

 

 

I'd say, the reason they are successful is, because they don't reply to these threads.

[TaraMaiden]

Since no one else has chimed in I will...

 

I've never had an affair, but there is no successful affair.

.....

 

I agree with this sentiment, and indeed, the whole of the post....

Another angle is that the affair, if 'successful' means that someone else gets hurt.

that in no way, comes under the banner of successful'.

If someone is left heartbroken and shattered, how can the word 'successful' ever apply?

[dreamingoftigers]

Would a "successful" affair be one that is kept hidden the whole time? Or one that is known about that doesn't seem to bother anyone?

 

It would seem more likely in an arranged marriage circumstance.

[carhill]

One potential of 'success' is an affair which is hidden, adjunct to more visible 'toxification' of the M, eventually ending it and, after a sufficient 'period', 'finding' a new partner (the affair partner). To me, that could be the epitome of success. The WS gets what they want and the BS, if otherwise trusting, would never be any wiser.

 

The process takes a patient and deliberate WS, one skilled at the art of deception and misdirection, and a compliant AP; one who won't rock the boat or screw up or get impatient and demanding. Definitely possible.

[dreamingoftigers]

Wouldn't that be kind of 'counter-affair' to try to legitimize the new R?

 

Does a successful affair become one that is known and accepted? Or one that is kept secret? Both cases the M remaining intact?

 

I think it mentioned not damaging the M.

 

I think it would be possible with flings that aren't discovered.

 

I.e. Man finds his life hum-drum or thinks himself boring. He goes and messes with a MOW. It boosts his self-confidence because he's now a "stud if he wants to be" and this new confidence comes out in his marriage while he ceases the affair having gotten what he wanted/needed from it while the wife is nine the wiser but seems to benefit from a more self-secure husband.

 

But that only works if he actually regrets the circumstances and doesn't repeat and the whole thing stays underground. But it seems unlikely.

 

And unlikely to happen only once.

 

Seems like the type of idea popularized by movies etc. The ego-boost NSA sex from an equal to superior partner that has no emotional complications.

 

But it seems that these things always have emotional complications. Etc.

[carhill]

The 'success' is defined as achieving the goal of the person seeking it without quantifiable damage. People fall out of love and divorce every day. I see it all around me.

 

'Honey, I'm not feeling it anymore. Let's try some MC. Well, OK, that isn't working. We can divorce. It's OK. I'll be amicable. I think we'll both be happier'.

 

Sure, there is the pain of the reality of a divorce (I'm using marriage as an example of a worst-case scenario). Anyone who experiences divorce usually gets a taste of that, as there are generally no 'winners' in divorce. However, for the successfully hidden affair WS and AP, the outcome of that divorce can be a success for them and an achievement of what they want (to be with each other) and the fBS would feel nothing other than the pain and disappointment of a regular D, something many people not affected by affairs feel every day.

 

Of course, there are other potentials for 'success'. I outlined one which I have some experience with. As each M is unique, I think it is possible to have a successful affair long-term with the M remaining intact and mutually satisfying. It entirely depends on the parties involved.

 

As a disclaimer, I'm explaining potentials only. These explanations are in no way endorsements. Each person makes such decisions for themselves.

[beenburned]

oldshirt,

I went back and read some of your old posts. If I'm correct, you said you were in an open marriage/swingers.

 

Why ask this question if sex outside of your marriage is allowed and o.k.?

 

As a long ago BW to a serial cheater, my H changed completely during the years he was cheating. I suffered much verbal/emotional abuse,neglect, etc. without understanding why.(before d-day)

 

The kids also suffered from his neglect. He no longer attended their sports games, school programs, or went on week end family trips.

 

In fact he couldn't be bothered by us at all or else he went into fits of rage.

 

In my opinion, there is no such thing as a successful affair. Unless you are only considering the WS , not the BW or kids.

[oldshirt]

oldshirt,

I went back and read some of your old posts. If I'm correct, you said you were in an open marriage/swingers.

 

Why ask this question if sex outside of your marriage is allowed and o.k.?

 

As a long ago BW to a serial cheater, my H changed completely during the years he was cheating. I suffered much verbal/emotional abuse,neglect, etc. without understanding why.(before d-day)

 

The kids also suffered from his neglect. He no longer attended their sports games, school programs, or went on week end family trips.

 

In fact he couldn't be bothered by us at all or else he went into fits of rage.

 

In my opinion, there is no such thing as a successful affair. Unless you are only considering the WS , not the BW or kids.

 

Again, this question is not about me and I am NOT considering an affaire. Yes we are swingers and do occasionally have sexual adventures together as a couple under very strict, mutually agreed upon parameters but that really has nothing to do with my question.

 

I was just wondering if anyone really has an affair that doesn't result in pain and damage. It seems likes whenever you hear the wayward person talk about it, they always seem to think they can get a little poontang on the side and it will help them meet their needs and that it won't hurt anyone else and won't damage the marriage. I was just kinda curious if it ever really works out that way or if that is just a delusion people try to tell themselves.

[Lauriebell82]

I was just wondering if anyone really has an affair that doesn't result in pain and damage. It seems likes whenever you hear the wayward person talk about it, they always seem to think they can get a little poontang on the side and it will help them meet their needs and that it won't hurt anyone else and won't damage the marriage. I was just kinda curious if it ever really works out that way or if that is just a delusion people try to tell themselves.

 

I'd be inclined to think that these particular people would not have a need to come to LS in order to vent their troubles or ask for advice. If the affair truly was "successful" (or they THOUGHT that it was) why would they want to have others tell them they are full of crap? Just my opinion.

[East7]

It depends on what is considered a successful Affair.

 

Some OW (not many OM at my knowledge) would be in A for years and years and be ok with it without regrets. Some APs are commitment-phobes. For them the A is no different than a no-strings relationship.

 

If a "successful A " is the one when the two APs end up together in an "official" honest relationship whether it is marriage or moving together then the chances for it happening are really low.

 

I think that there is no harmless A. Most of the A have very tough emotional repercussions to all the people involved. Even not discovered A destroy in silence the M as the WS is emotionally 'elsewhere' and the BS is neglected. When they are discovered, everyone is hurt, the BS, the AP and the WS himself. The M is never the same.

 

I have seen around me 2 MM, my friends, left their wives for the OW, although they had children and properties with their respective BW. Both of them are in their early 30s. They both were married young and had their primary relationship going downhills. So I do think that people who want to leave, they move their butt out and don't give bull*** excuses. Both of them have shared custody fro the kids and seem happy. Obviously their respective wives got hurt, but looking from outside, it doesn't seem very different from a plain divorce.

 

On the other side, MW are less likely to move out or they do it in the very early stages of the A (within 6-12 months).

 

The biggest issue with APs that end up together is *Trust*.

 

You can live with the "If she did it with me, she might do it to me".

 

Had I ended up with my xMW, I would had serious trust issues.

Edited January 28, 2012 by East7

[woinlove]

It depends on what is considered a successful Affair.

 

Some OW (not many OM at my knowledge) would be in A for years and years and be ok with it without regrets. Some APs are commitment-phobes. For them the A is no different than a no-strings relationship.

 

If a "successful A " is the one when the two APs end up together in an "official" honest relationship whether it is marriage or moving together then the chances for it happening are really low.

 

I think that there is no harmless A. Most of the A have very tough emotional repercussions to all the people involved. Even not discovered A destroy in silence the M as the WS is emotionally 'elsewhere' and the BS is neglected. When they are discovered, everyone is hurt, the BS, the AP and the WS himself. The M is never the same.

 

I have seen around me 2 MM, my friends, left their wives for the OW, although they had children and properties with their respective BW. Both of them are in their early 30s. They both were married young and had their primary relationship going downhills. So I do think that people who want to leave, they move their butt out and don't give bull*** excuses. Both of them have shared custody fro the kids and seem happy. Obviously their respective wives got hurt, but looking from outside, it doesn't seem very different from a plain divorce.

 

On the other side, MW are less likely to move out or they do it in the very early stages of the A (within 6-12 months).

 

The biggest issue with APs that end up together is *Trust*.

 

You can live with the "If she did it with me, she might do it to me".

 

Had I ended up with my xMW, I would had serious trust issues.

 

Good post, East!

 

On the trust issue, I imagine if the APs go through IC/MC and are motivated to change, this issue could be addressed. But, if they assume changing partners is all the change that is needed, they may relive the same experience with yet another new AP.

[beenburned]

oldshirt,

I personally think it is just a delusion that MM/MW tell themselves so they won't feel so guilty for wrecking so many peoples lives.

 

What I find amusing is, if they marry their FMM/FMW and they do the same thing to them, all he** breaks loose. They think that it is totally unacceptable that they are being treated that way. When in reality, it was exactly the same behavior that they helped bestow on the BS.

 

East,

Good post!! It was very thought provoking!!

[standtall]

I'd be inclined to think that these particular people would not have a need to come to LS in order to vent their troubles or ask for advice. If the affair truly was "successful" (or they THOUGHT that it was) why would they want to have others tell them they are full of crap? Just my opinion.

 

I agree 100%.

[SoMovinOn]

I think that there is no harmless A. Most of the A have very tough emotional repercussions to all the people involved. Even not discovered A destroy in silence the M as the WS is emotionally 'elsewhere' and the BS is neglected. When they are discovered, everyone is hurt, the BS, the AP and the WS himself. The M is never the same.

 

It has been my personal experience (people I know), where the M couple normally spend significant time apart (usually due to business travel), there is often a long term affair, or several short term affairs, where there is zero impact on the M, because the A only takes place while the spouse is gone. In some cases, I am fairly sure both spouses had something on the side during their time apart.

 

The impact on the M would be directly related to how much time the M couple normally spends together. In many M's I know, each of them very much has their own life, very separated from their spouse ... and they are both very happy with their M as it is. I know some spouses who always take separate vacations, sometimes, several per year.

 

Just as all A's are not the same, all M's are not the same. All R's, period, are not the same. Any blanket statement about A's, M's or any other R's can only be true in some instances, and would be completely wrong in others.

[violaaa]

I am in very good relationship with a long term boyfriend. Anyhow, he is always working in other countries and he has little interest in sex due to medication side effect in treating the hypertension.

 

I then start to have a constant safe sexual partner for a year . I am not in love with this sexual partner and so does he. I know I am wrong to keep my bf in the dark, but I would think it is less harmful to our relationship. Upon his total return to stay with me after ten years, I would end things with this sex partner.

 

So far I feel balanced and peace of mind.

[beenburned]

SMO,

I really don't think the majority of marriages, are as you described.(extensive business travel or even separate vacations) However, if they are, I'm sure this atmosphere would greatly contribute to affairs.

 

I think the majority of marriages have mainly m-f 8-5 jobs. And look forward to their annual family vacations. Therefore their daily interactions with spouse and family are greatly affected by all of the changes in the cheating spouse.

[SoMovinOn]

SMO,

I really don't think the majority of marriages, are as you described.(extensive business travel or even separate vacations) However, if they are, I'm sure this atmosphere would greatly contribute to affairs.

 

I don't think they are the majority either, but, there are quite a lot where the couple has significant time apart, live fairly separate lives at least part of the time. In those cases, I can (and have) seen where "successful" A's are possible.

 

I think the majority of marriages have mainly m-f 8-5 jobs. And look forward to their annual family vacations. Therefore their daily interactions with spouse and family are greatly affected by all of the changes in the cheating spouse.

 

Agreed.

[spookie]

That is like asking, If tree falls in the forest and there was no one around to hear it, does it make a sound? Maybe not, but the tree still fell. When ur spouse marries u, she is not signing up for a lifetime of being deceived.

[SoMovinOn]

That is like asking, If tree falls in the forest and there was no one around to hear it, does it make a sound? Maybe not, but the tree still fell. When ur spouse marries u, she is not signing up for a lifetime of being deceived.

 

If a man says something in a forest, and there isn't a woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

[beenburned]

SMO,

 

In marriages where the spouse wants to have sex with other people, why not be honest and ask for an open marriage?

 

That way the other spouse knows what the score is, and can look/develop options for themselves.

 

Dishonesty(even by omission) hurts the person that is still abiding by the original marital vows.(even if the cheating is not known about) Because it limits their choices on how they might choose to live their life if the cheating was known about!

[Kitsune77]

10 characters.

 

If a man says something in a forest, and there isn't a woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

[beenburned]

Kitsune,

I don't get it.

[East7]

It has been my personal experience (people I know), where the M couple normally spend significant time apart (usually due to business travel), there is often a long term affair, or several short term affairs, where there is zero impact on the M, because the A only takes place while the spouse is gone. In some cases, I am fairly sure both spouses had something on the side during their time apart.

 

The impact on the M would be directly related to how much time the M couple normally spends together. In many M's I know, each of them very much has their own life, very separated from their spouse ... and they are both very happy with their M as it is. I know some spouses who always take separate vacations, sometimes, several per year.

 

Just as all A's are not the same, all M's are not the same. All R's, period, are not the same. Any blanket statement about A's, M's or any other R's can only be true in some instances, and would be completely wrong in others.

 

SMO, I don't mean to be rude, but I coudln't help reacting.

 

This is a lame rationalization of how the marriages work. So you think that As may not affect the M ? Well your M was very much affected, otherwise you'd been still married today, don't you think ?

 

What surprises me most is that, considering you are a fBS, so-moving-on from your wife's A, you are ok being an OM to a MW that doesn't give a $h#t about you and you keep posting/telling us that you still love her.