Regaining confidence

[SpiralOut]

I've been focusing most of my energy towards regaining my confidence. I look at some of the threads I've started here and I realize I start them because I lack confidence in my own judgement, ability to make choices, and how to stand up for myself in general. Not to mention I have insecurities about my social skills.

 

Anyway this is kind of a journal to take notes of things that I find are helpful to me and maybe other people will find some of it useful.

 

Today I put more of my energy into my apartment. I've only been here two months so there's a lot of work to do. I never felt totally at home at any of the other places I lived in since moving away from home 7 years ago and I figured out why. It's because I tried too hard to make my place(s) look the way I thought they should look and then forcing myself to fit into them. Now, what I do is I look at what would make things most comfortable for me. A hook by the front door for my purse? Yes I'll put one there. Who cares if it looks nice or not. Put all my lotions and body sprays on top of the toilet? Okay. Who cares if it isn't neat.

 

This might sound weird but doing that makes me feel better, like I deserve to live in a place that feels comfortable and who cares if it looks just as neat or clean as my parent's house. I can't recreate that so i'll make my own place. It's actually pretty cool so far.

 

I also took a day off work this week. After being there for almost a year now i never called in sick, even if I felt unwell. I didn't feel well this week (part of it was physical, part of it was stress/emotional) so I didn't go in. It felt so good to realize that nobody will die without me going in. They will manage and I won't feel bad about it.

 

Then I went and made appointments for myself to see the dentist, a chiropractor, and my counsellor. I normally put off doing stuff like that. By stuff like that I mean things for myself that I SHOULD do but I can get away with not doing it because hey it's just me. But I matter, don't I? My health matters.

 

My biggest struggle right now is my social life. I've attempted to get a group of people together for the past couple weeks. It ended up not working out but that's okay I am not taking it personally. Normally I avoid organizing things because if it doesn't work out I fear that I will look like a loser nobody wants to be around. But I understand now that it happens to everyone and sometimes people are just busy. I'm proud of myself for trying.

 

The biggest threat to my confidence is a woman in my life who makes comments to me that seem innocent enough but when you stop to think about them, they are actually casual putdowns of me. Ever since that's happened, I have accidently put myself down in front of one of my friends. Not just once but several times. I never ever used to put myself down. It is embarassing to realize that I actually do that. I don't want to blame that woman completely, but she sure as hell isn't helping my case. It scares me that I am still not strong enough to ignore certain comments from people.

 

That's all for today, I'll update later . ..

[betterdeal]

Have you read anything on assertiveness training? That might help with the woman who puts you down.

[Star Gazer]

Today I put more of my energy into my apartment. I've only been here two months so there's a lot of work to do. I never felt totally at home at any of the other places I lived in since moving away from home 7 years ago and I figured out why. It's because I tried too hard to make my place(s) look the way I thought they should look and then forcing myself to fit into them. Now, what I do is I look at what would make things most comfortable for me. A hook by the front door for my purse? Yes I'll put one there. Who cares if it looks nice or not. Put all my lotions and body sprays on top of the toilet? Okay. Who cares if it isn't neat.

 

This might sound weird but doing that makes me feel better, like I deserve to live in a place that feels comfortable and who cares if it looks just as neat or clean as my parent's house. I can't recreate that so i'll make my own place. It's actually pretty cool so far.

 

I used to be the same way, trying to make my apartment look... "cool" rather than "comfortable for me" and tailored to my actual tastes.

 

Overtime, I found "cuter" ways of hanging my purse and arranging my toiletries. But I let myself take the time to find something that fit the use AND my taste and comfort level. And until then (if ever), I said: f*ck it!

 

The biggest threat to my confidence is a woman in my life who makes comments to me that seem innocent enough but when you stop to think about them, they are actually casual putdowns of me. Ever since that's happened, I have accidently put myself down in front of one of my friends. Not just once but several times. I never ever used to put myself down. It is embarassing to realize that I actually do that. I don't want to blame that woman completely, but she sure as hell isn't helping my case. It scares me that I am still not strong enough to ignore certain comments from people.

 

Can you give examples? Perhaps your insecurities are getting the worst of you here, and the perceived putdowns aren't really putdowns at all.

[SpiralOut]

Have you read anything on assertiveness training? That might help with the woman who puts you down.

 

Yeah I looked into it already. There is a place in my city that does it, but it is in the evenings during my work hours. My job is unfortunately not flexible when it comes to the schedule; it is so hard for me to book time off for anything.

 

I'll be seeing my counsellor in a few weeks so I'm going to ask her if there are any alternatives. I know I need to be assertive and I have been really trying but it is SO HARD!!

[SpiralOut]

I used to be the same way, trying to make my apartment look... "cool" rather than "comfortable for me" and tailored to my actual tastes.

 

Overtime, I found "cuter" ways of hanging my purse and arranging my toiletries. But I let myself take the time to find something that fit the use AND my taste and comfort level. And until then (if ever), I said: f*ck it!

 

 

 

Can you give examples? Perhaps your insecurities are getting the worst of you here, and the perceived putdowns aren't really putdowns at all.

 

haha yeah I have been saying f*ck it! a lot too lately lol

 

there is a whole thread started on my problems with this person. at first i thought that she is just someone who doesn't mean any harm, but it was other people on LS who pointed out she actually puts me down! She is one of those people who insults me without seeming to realize it. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t303845/

Edited January 22, 2012 by SpiralOut

[betterdeal]

Yeah I looked into it already. There is a place in my city that does it, but it is in the evenings during my work hours. My job is unfortunately not flexible when it comes to the schedule; it is so hard for me to book time off for anything.

 

I'll be seeing my counsellor in a few weeks so I'm going to ask her if there are any alternatives. I know I need to be assertive and I have been really trying but it is SO HARD!!

 

Don't feel obliged to do it. It's her fault for being rude to you, not yours. What it did for me is help me to separate what's mine from theirs if you see what I mean? When you can identify when someone is being a dick at the time they are being a dick, that'll help you feel more confident in yourself.

[Star Gazer]

there is a whole thread started on my problems with this person. at first i thought that she is just someone who doesn't mean any harm, but it was other people on LS who pointed out she actually puts me down! She is one of those people who insults me without seeming to realize it. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t303845/

 

That woman is just weird.

[SpiralOut]

Don't feel obliged to do it. It's her fault for being rude to you, not yours. What it did for me is help me to separate what's mine from theirs if you see what I mean? When you can identify when someone is being a dick at the time they are being a dick, that'll help you feel more confident in yourself.

 

Yes I know what you mean. I am noticing that I am more aware of her rudeness if there happens to be someone else around. If it is just me and her I question my judgement. She must be at least somewhat aware of her behaviour since she only acts this way when it is just me and her (SOMETIMES it will happen when this one other person is around. he always gets uncomfortable when she talks to me that way). I am more likely to stand up to her if there is someone else around because I don't want to embarass myself by letting her walk on me. Maybe next time we are alone I can pretend there is someone else sitting there and imagine what the situation looks like to a third party.

 

That woman is just weird.

 

Thank you for saying so haha. Everyone else seems to think she is just wonderful and so sweet and cute. Even though she has lied to everyone (pretended to be sick when not) and stuff like that. I wish there was someone else at work who is able to see what I see.

 

I have spent the past few days getting back in touch with old friends. Simply talking on the phone to someone who is normal makes me feel better. I need to surround myself with people who have their heads on straight. I think part of the reason I allow her strange behaviour to continue (rather than being assertive enough to tell her off) is because I have isolated myself socially for the past couple of years and I am not always certain of what is normal or not. I used to always assume that everyone has better social skills than me. But now I see that's not true. There are some people with worse social skills with me who think it is okay to ignore boundaries and so on. I might not be the most talkative person ever but at least I show respect to other people's space.

 

There is another woman my age who was hired recently and I can tell that she is a normal person, as in, if she were to see me being treated this way she would be appalled. I have been feeling alone in this because the only other people around are men (she gets along best with men!!) and older women (with whom she acts super sweet and never says a bad word around them). I want her to act the way she does with me around a normal woman my age just so someone else can SEE what is happening.

 

Anyway that's my update for this week. Just putting forth more effort to talk to REAL friends. I've also put more effort towards talking to the people at work that I get along with; I don't want to be totally aloof.

 

My particular challenge this week is a feeling of paranoia that people are always talking about me behind my back. The weird woman is always saying things to me about how people are confused by me and complain about me. Then she'll tell me how she stands up for me. And it's like that is nice you stood up for me but it makes me feel like **** that you were put in a position where you needed to. And this isn't a one time thing, this has happened severals times. Either that or she is just exaggerating. She does blow things out of proportion and repeat herself frequently. But it feels like she is trying to tell me that people aren't accepting me. I know that I should ignore her and usually it doesn't bother me but I am starting to feel weirded out by the way people look at me.

 

I am trying to decide if I should mention any of this to anyone. There is one work friend I could mention it to. There is another woman at work that I feel I could talk to as well. But I don't want to start any drama. But I want to ask someone I trust if it's true that people are always complaining about me?? Earlier this week I felt afraid to even talk to anyone. Would it be appropriate to mention any of this to someone or should I just keep my mouth shut?

[SpiralOut]

Oops I did not mean to turn this into a personal rant against someone. It is just frustrating to be trying so hard to become confident and happy again and there is this one person who seems to be sabatoging me. Whether it is intentional on her part or not I have no idea.

 

I also booked time off work today for next month so I can go visit one of my best friends. There is a long weekend coming up soon too that I will probably go away for to visit some people, assuming they will be around. I need to contact them this week to find out.

 

I am freaked out by the idea of this, but I think I should join some sort of meet-up group. Finding positive people to be around is extremely important right now.

[whichwayisup]

At work, rise above it. This crazy chick at work is causing you a lot of strife and making you feel yucky. Don't give her that power.. Remember, less talk, less detail. Time to distance yourself from her. And who cares what she thinks or says, right? you're there to do a job and the only person who's opinion counts is, your boss!

 

I'm sure MOST at work "know" that crazy chick not a nice person and they see her stupid games. Her true colours show more than you realize.

 

When not at work, just enjoy your life.. Do yoga, spend time with those you like and are close. Cutting out negative people is a must! A group like that might help you more than you realize.. Try it and see how it goes. What are your fears about it?

 

have fun with your friend and good for you for book vacation.

[betterdeal]

I am trying to decide if I should mention any of this to anyone. There is one work friend I could mention it to. There is another woman at work that I feel I could talk to as well. But I don't want to start any drama. But I want to ask someone I trust if it's true that people are always complaining about me?? Earlier this week I felt afraid to even talk to anyone. Would it be appropriate to mention any of this to someone or should I just keep my mouth shut?

 

Talk to the woman you feel you can trust and your friend, I say. However, I'd tell them what she said, then ask if it's true that people are always complaining. The nuance is perhaps subtle, but important: you don't know if this is true, so you're holding back on deciding if it is true until you get more evidence.

 

If it is true, it could be valuable feedback. You could explore ways for people to bring their complaints to you directly and so find solutions to whatever issue they may have. If it's not true, you've found out - and shared - that the woman who bothers you is being an arse. Either way, case closed. It's the not knowing that is often the cause of our distress.

[SpiralOut]

Talk to the woman you feel you can trust and your friend, I say. However, I'd tell them what she said, then ask if it's true that people are always complaining. The nuance is perhaps subtle, but important: you don't know if this is true, so you're holding back on deciding if it is true until you get more evidence.

 

If it is true, it could be valuable feedback. You could explore ways for people to bring their complaints to you directly and so find solutions to whatever issue they may have. If it's not true, you've found out - and shared - that the woman who bothers you is being an arse. Either way, case closed. It's the not knowing that is often the cause of our distress.

 

Thank you I will try and do that this week. I'll have to try and figure out a way to be alone with them as there are always other people around.

 

I actually just left the lunchroom. She was in there with her new friend, complaining about how certain people do this and that.

 

I know for a fact that what she was complaining about was something that I do and actually recently did. She was passive-aggressively complaining about me.

 

Why the hell she tries so hard to try and hang out with me, I still don't understand. I guess she enjoys trying to get personal information out of me.

 

Yesterday she was going on and on about how it's too bad the new guy is married because of how cute he is. It sort of bothered me because I don't think it's appropriate to talk about married men that way. But I didn't really say anything, I just let her talk. I looked over at this other woman I get along with and she wasn't smiling. So maybe you are right. Other people must be seeing her games.

[betterdeal]

She may not even be aware that she does it so much or the effect it has. Sometimes people pick up bad habits. In any case, talking with other people will likely give you more confidence.

 

As for how to talk in private, can you ask them, "can we talk in private?" and use a room, maybe a meeting room?

[SpiralOut]

When not at work, just enjoy your life.. Do yoga, spend time with those you like and are close. Cutting out negative people is a must! A group like that might help you more than you realize.. Try it and see how it goes. What are your fears about it?

 

.

I forgot to answer this earlier. My fears when it comes to joining a new group is that I won't fit in. I have always been shy and socially awkward, so I worry of having nothing to say or of making people feel uncomfortable around me or just not liking me. I am sure that I would be fine if I did it; it's just hard to make the leap towards doing it.

 

Anyway I've decided that I don't need to worry about what that woman has said to me. I have come to realize that she says all sorts of things that don't make sense. Or she'll say something that isn't really the truth but is just her interpretation of something. A few of us hung out last night and she was there. She hardly said anything to me and ended up having a meltdown.

 

I've also decided that it's time for me to search for a new job. I deserve much better treatment than what I am getting at the company I work for. I worked 30 minutes late one day and I was told to make up the hours later that week (coming in late or leaving early) so I wouldn't be paid for it. Which is fine. Except he never specified when exactly I should do that. So I just came in late yesterday because I was like sorry but I am not going to work 30 minutes for free. There have been so many days where I stayed 15 minutes late and did not get paid for it. And you know what happened when I came in late? I got interrogated by my coworkers the instant I walked through the door. I am sorry but that is not right.

[SpiralOut]

I am realizing that I need to accept myself for who I am and stop hiding. This is the only way to have real confidence.

 

It is really hard though and frankly it scares me to change. Changing my mindset like that will cause major changes in my life. I spent most of this week distracting myself from thinking.

 

If I do this or that . . . I could make more money, meet more people, progress in my career, start turning my dreams into plans. I could look at myself and think that I'm pretty cool. So why am I so afraid?

[Rimer]

Hi SpiralOut

 

You sound a a lot like me too. Add to that I even think people online try to avoid me. How paranoid is that?

 

From your OP

 

"I look at some of the threads I've started here and I realize I start them because I lack confidence in my own judgement, ability to make choices, and how to stand up for myself in general. Not to mention I have insecurities about my social skills."

 

All those hit spot on with me too. Thing is.. what do we really have to lose? We fear of failing? How could it get worse? There's only one way out of this to make our life happy. No1 else is gonna do it for us so why don't we just start doing the work? I'm pleased to see your off to a great start and keep it up! Hope to hear more updates

[SpiralOut]

Thank you Rimer, that is what I have started to tell myself. What is there to lose? Even if I fail at something I will feel better knowing that at least I tried instead of never trying at all.

 

Today I somehow got the guts to speak to my boss privately regarding my training in a different department. I heard a rumour (false, I'm assuming) of someone else being told she'd be getting the position I'm supposed to be getting. I got angry enough I decided to just ask him what was going on. I kept my cool of course. Except I think I talked too fast. But I made it very clear that I am still interested in that position. I would hate for it to go to someone else just because he thinks I am not interested anymore.

 

So that was the big accomplishment for today!

 

I skipped out on a writing group I was planning to go to tonight because I got stuck working late and didn't have enough time to catch an early enough bus. Well I guess I could have rushed but oh well. NEXT WEEK for sure!!

 

Tomorrow I have a coffee date after work. I have not been on a date since November. I have another date set up for Friday with someone different. I am not particularly enthusiastic about either date but I NEED to get my ass back out there. It has been almost a year since my breakup!

[betterdeal]

Hurrah for you! Great to hear you're grabbing the bull by the testicles and living your life. :bunny:

[SpiralOut]

Thank you, betterdeal!

 

This week I went on two dates. Both went well in the sense that the conversation flowed and they both seemed like nice people. However I did not feel attracted to them.

 

The weird part is that normally dates are nerve wracking for me. I normally have no idea what to say and feel shy, nervous, insecure and struggle with conversation which makes the entire thing awkward.

 

This time it was me making most of the conversation, at least the second date that's how it was. He did not seem to know what to say so I found myself asking all the questions, saying things to move the conversation along, bringing up topics, changing topics, asking follow-up questions, and giving my opinion (since he wasn't asking me anything). That is part of the reason for why I felt we did not click; It felt too one-sided for me. It also felt strange to be on the other side of the situation, watching someone act the way I used to act.

 

The experience allowed me to make some observations that show what works and doesn't work, at least for me. I used all the skills that I learned by socializing with my coworkers this past year: find out what their interests are (eg do you prefer reading books or watching movies?) ask questions that relate to the other persons known interests (what type of movie, have you seen this one, did you know that one is coming out etc), or ask questions about them like what work do they do, where are they from originally etc. Then of course it is possible to mention items in the news to get an idea of whether they care about particular things. This all probably sounds standard but for me it is new. I never used to know how to create/lead conversations, I would always just follow them.

 

Then of course it also helped to feel calm and just know that I would be okay. Have confidence in myself that I'm a person who does interesting things and has stuff to talk about. I went in with the attitude of expecting nothing and knowing that I can get up and leave if I don't like the situation.

 

Things I have learned to NOT do include self-depreciation, complaining about life being boring, saying "sorry if i'm not being fun today" or asking questions that are too general like "what do I not know about you yet?" and so on. I found that to be a major turn-off. Sadly I have done that stuff before so yeah. Interesting experience.

[wavering_radiant]

I had a couple of situations almost exactly like this a couple years ago. I didn't do anything about it, and I deeply regret it. Each situation involved a girl who was constantly putting me down. In retrospect I wish I had ripped both of them into pieces (verbally), because both of them absolutely had it coming.

 

I think the best thing for you to do is to completely weed her out of your life. Tell her how much of a jerk she's been and that you don't want her to speak to you anymore. And if there are negative consequences to doing that, then those are HER problem and not yours.

[SpiralOut]

I had a couple of situations almost exactly like this a couple years ago. I didn't do anything about it, and I deeply regret it. Each situation involved a girl who was constantly putting me down. In retrospect I wish I had ripped both of them into pieces (verbally), because both of them absolutely had it coming.

 

I think the best thing for you to do is to completely weed her out of your life. Tell her how much of a jerk she's been and that you don't want her to speak to you anymore. And if there are negative consequences to doing that, then those are HER problem and not yours.

 

Yes this is why I am getting upset. I don't want to let this slide. I don't want to be a doormat. It is difficult when I work with her so it's not like I can rip off her face and then never speak to her again.

 

My plan right now is to just improve my life slowly and tell her nothing about it. I have put her on my facebook "restricted" list so she can see nothing I say or do. I will eventually get to a point where I am feeling good about my life and when she tries to put me down I will be able to just laugh in her face because of how stupid she is for not knowing anything about me. I think laughing at her is the best way to go. I can't allow myself to let her see me upset or she will know that she got to me.

 

She has already told me a story of how she put down some woman (telling her "your husband just picked you as a back-up wife because he could not have me; he doesn't really love you") and made her cry. She sounded very proud of herself when she told me that. Which is why I am careful to show no emotional reaction to her putdowns. I know that it will please her.

 

The only expression that I show is my "WTF is WRONG with you?" look that I sometimes get on my face. I've noticed that she doesn't like that!! When other people give her the same look she gets so confused and unhappy. Much better than swearing at her (if she knows I am mad she will just get mad back and tell everyone what a bitch I am for being angry at her)

 

Yeah she's pretty transparent.

[SpiralOut]

Okay so I had a coffee date yesterday with someone new. It went really well. We are both looking for the same thing (casual, no strings attached) and damn he's good looking. And he made it pretty clear that he's into me. So yeah I'm seeing him again this week which is exciting. I am FINALLY letting myself move on in my love life. Hopefully it works out the way I want it to!!

 

Did some more rearranging of furniture, this time in my bedroom. It now feels SO MUCH like me that it makes me feel happier. Living with my ex, I never felt comfortable in the apartment. Here, it feels more and more comfortable. Oh yeah also am selling a piece of furniture that reminds me of my ex. Can't wait to get rid of that!

 

Most important of all is that I'm exploring my spirituality. I stopped yoga for a while but started it up again. It's amazing how I can go into class feeling totally strung-out yet by the end of it, feel like I'm floating on a cloud.

 

I've also been researching paganism. It is something I began to get into when I was much younger living at home and my family did not understand or respect it so I stopped. I feel that it is now time to get back into it. I am not actively practicing it yet but did set up an area in my room for an altar. I feel in my heart that I am pagan and always have been and this knowledge in itself makes me feel strong.

 

Some quotes from Jim Morrison

 

"The most important kind of freedom is to be what you really are"

 

“Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.”

 

“People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that's bull****. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they're afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they're wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It's all in how you carry it. That's what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you're letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.”

[SpiralOut]

Another update. I slipped back into a rut for a little bit and I'm pulling myself back out again. One of my problems is forgetting to live my life. What I'll do is fall into a pattern of barely existing: work, sleep, eat, grocery shop, etc etc. Then try to make some time to do something fun but normally by then I am tired or do not feel like it. There is all the time in teh world to do stuff but sometimes I feel too exhausted to do anything with my free time.

 

Well so far I have managed to do some things that are fun and good for the soul. Which is making me feel so much better.

 

*went on a trip to see my best friend

I really needed to be around someone who has her head on straight and whom I can just be myself around and not worry. Not having many friends in my city sometimes wears me down emotionally. It is hard to have a moral compass when being alone; I need people around me who have the same values as me.

 

*got an eyebrow piercing

this is something i've wanted to do for so long but for some reason just never did it. Doing it expresses my individuality. I am the type who wears little makeup, wears standard clothes that blend in, am a bit shy etc. But I feel like I am the sort of woman who appreciates piercings, so why not get one? From the outside it looks like I am totally contradicting myself. But really this is who I am and I'm letting everyone see it!

 

*worked on a blog post (finally)

one of my ambitions is to establish myself on the web as a blogger but for some reason i've been procrastinating writing. it's like whenever i got positive feedback it freaks me out so i back away. So it's a step forward to have done this today.

 

*various other things that I've been meaning to do such as ordering plant seeds and so on

 

It is important (and challenging) to me that I don't get stuck in a rut of "must be practical" because doing so wears me down emotionally to the point that I have no energy to do anything at all. It is important to maintain personal interests, and treat myself to something fun every now and then. Self expression matters too; how can I ever be my true self if I bottle it all up inside?

[betterdeal]

What plants are you growing? That reminds me to get some salad leaves seeds. Thanks!

 

I found myself run down and exhausted yesterday from being practical too much, and I thought, "Indulge the senses!" and ran a bath, then had a shower, shaved and watched a brilliant show about a French chef who lives in the UK and was revisiting Provence region of France and cooking there. Mon Dieu! do they love their food!

 

Sometimes the best thing to do is nothing.

 

Which eyebrow did you get pierced? Left or right?

[Rimer]

Hey! Great to hear you posting an update I was wondering when you were gonna post again.

 

I too have those same feelings like I should do this and that but usually it comes down to work, grocery's, internet, gaming... very very boring.. I should be exercising too and a lot but I just don't seem to find that will power to do it because I know if I could slim down I could start doing the activities I like again and maybe find a new girl into my life. I do see my couple friends I got during the weekends but I'm still soul searching I guess. Trying to find out who I am but I doubt I will find that by sitting around inside wondering whats wrong with me without putting any work into it. I always look for excuses not to start doing something. I don't know what I should do to turn it around. Sorry not supposed to hijack here

 

got an eyebrow piercing <- very cool. i like

 

Where is your blog?