Regaining confidence

[SpiralOut]

What plants are you growing? That reminds me to get some salad leaves seeds. Thanks!

 

I found myself run down and exhausted yesterday from being practical too much, and I thought, "Indulge the senses!" and ran a bath, then had a shower, shaved and watched a brilliant show about a French chef who lives in the UK and was revisiting Provence region of France and cooking there. Mon Dieu! do they love their food!

 

Sometimes the best thing to do is nothing.

 

Which eyebrow did you get pierced? Left or right?

 

Doing nothing is awesome. I got my left eyebrow done. It just seemed like the right spot for it. I've already decided to get more piercings done within the next few months. I'd like a few in my ear and maybe a nipple piercing. Which sounds a bit freaky but it's important right now for me to do more gutsy things. I'm looking into affordable kickboxing classes that I could drop in on sometimes. That would be a good way to get rid of some anger.

 

Oh umm for the plants I'll be doing basil, thyme, eggplants, kale, carrots (both orange and purple), asperagus, rainbow chard, dill. Also got some seeds I may or may not plant such as orange tomatoes, artichokes. What type of salad greens do you grow?

 

Hey! Great to hear you posting an update I was wondering when you were gonna post again.

 

I too have those same feelings like I should do this and that but usually it comes down to work, grocery's, internet, gaming... very very boring.. I should be exercising too and a lot but I just don't seem to find that will power to do it because I know if I could slim down I could start doing the activities I like again and maybe find a new girl into my life. I do see my couple friends I got during the weekends but I'm still soul searching I guess. Trying to find out who I am but I doubt I will find that by sitting around inside wondering whats wrong with me without putting any work into it. I always look for excuses not to start doing something. I don't know what I should do to turn it around. Sorry not supposed to hijack here

 

got an eyebrow piercing <- very cool. i like

 

Where is your blog?

 

I probably shouldn't post my blog address just because it has my real name in it. I am a bit paranoid about my privacy in terms of people I know in real life not ever finding out that I post stuff on LS. But lets just say it's a food blog that I have registered with a couple of different foodie websites. My goal is to eventually get my photos approved by TasteSpotting and other food photo websites. Of course I have been procrastinating doing any photography. I need to practice so I can improve enough to actually be considered a good photographer. Who knows where my life might go if I uncover a new talent. So yeah I know what you mean by procrastinating starting things. I think that's one of the bigger challenges for me is just DOING what I know I need to do.

 

I am at a point of frustration right now where I can see more clearly where I want to go yet it is taking so long to get there. I feel like one of those evil characters in tv shows that are in a weakened state and are hiding from the world while they slowly gather their strength. They try to be patient because they have no choice but really they are dying to do what they want to do. Except I'm not evil.

[SpiralOut]

Oh man I just typed a bunch of stuff and it disappeared.

 

Just wanted to post an update that I am doing activities that will help related to the frame of mind I am looking for. Not sure if that makes sense or not but I think it is going to help tremendously.

 

For example, I signed up for a trial kickboxing class. I have done it before and loved it, so I'm hoping this company will work out for me. The last place was too expensive but this one is closer and has better plans to choose from. There's just something about kicking and punching stuff that makes me feel powerful, especially when I feel myself getting better at it.

 

Got back in touch with a friend who went MIA for a while. We are in the middle of planning an indoor rock-climbing gettogether, so hopefully that will work out.

 

I am approaching dating very carefully. It will be good for me to meet someone new. However, I have a habit of getting all wrapped up in a new guy, and it's tough to break out of it. I don't want to be thrown off track. I am striving for balance.

 

I said no to a free dance class this week that my coworker told me about and will be going to. I very strongly considered saying yes to it but if I don't feel excited about trying it then why should I force myself into it just in order to be social? After I said no, I found out the person I am avoiding is going to it. So yeah, good call on my part.

 

There is a good chance I will be approached this week and told "you need to get out more." ARGHH. I hate how ignorant and rude some people can be. I have an idea of how to deal with that so if anything happens I'll update on that.

 

Oh yeah also bought some makeup today, mostly just eye stuff to accentuate my eyebrows (and therefore my piercing). I feel conceited saying that but appearance really does say something about a person's confidence. I am hoping (perhaps in vain) that if I take on a more confident physical appearance, people will think twice about getting in my face.

 

That's it for today, shall report back later.

[SpiralOut]

update.

 

went indoor rockclimbing with a friend on the weekend and it was a blast. the combination of physical exertion and normal conversation put me into a great mood for the rest of the weekend. funny thing was how stressed out i was feeling before meeting up. I was going to mention something to her (regarding one of my issues) but I decided against it. Good choice that was! Ruminating over problems just makes them worse.

 

I was going to do kickboxing tonight but it was so beautiful outside that I decided screw that, i'm going biking. Sometimes I have trouble knowing whether I truly want to do something or if I just think that I should do it and therefore trick myself into thinking that i want to. If that makes any sense. So I think it's important that I'm getting to know myself better in this way: what do I REALLY want? I can't get it if I don't know.

 

Painted my nails last week and it makes me feel great. It's an easy way to express myself a little bit.

 

I don't know if it's this warm spring weather or something else, but I've been feeling more and more comfortable in my own skin.

 

I'm also glad that I've taken the time and effort to work on my personal interests. It gives me a way to connect with other people, which is a huge reason for why I've been focusing on developing my sense of self. Some people are able to socialize just by going out and talking to people about what they do with other people. That method doesn't work for me. I need to talk about hobbies and interests in order to connect with others.

 

I mean, if it weren't for doing that, I would not have some of the friends I have now. My one friend and I do physical activities together. Another friend and I talk about and trade books. Another friend that i'm meeting this Friday is into photography and biking, like me so we're doing nighttime photography.

 

I'm sick of certain people thinking I'm weird just because I don't act a certain way they think I should act. I know what I'm doing and it's working. I've been making friends more easily and reconnecting with people I have not seen in a while.

[SpiralOut]

Something shifted.

 

I don't think I'll be coming back to LS for a while. To all the people who have helped me, thank you for joining me on the journey of getting my head back on straight. I'm not sure if it's 100% there yet but I know where it needs to be.

 

Keep it real!

[betterdeal]

Good luck!

[SpiralOut]

Okay I am back. Hahaha. I needed some time to work on things before updating this again.

 

My master plan seems to be working. My main goal over these past two years was to focus on re-finding myself. Somewhere along the line, during my early 20's, I tried too hard to be somebody I wasn't and just forgot who I really am. The stupid part was that I wasn't even living the life I wanted - I was just rejecting myself, with no idea of how to become someone else, and just became an empty, unhappy person instead.

 

I noticed that meeting people was difficult because they tended to discuss personal interests. I had interests, but wasn't really doing anything about them (too much thinking, not enough doing), so it left me with nothing to use as a bridge or a way of connecting to others.

 

So, for these past two years I've been figuring out what I enjoy in terms of books, movies, physical activities, places to go. This past year I walked around my area of town quite a bit to see which stores and shops are worth going to. It feels good to be able to tell people about how this place has great cookies, or that place has the best sandwiches.

 

In other words, I've been building myself into a person who does interesting things and has particular interests. I am now able to talk in-depth about certain subjects.

 

My social skills could use more work but they are getting better I think. One of my main issues has been recognizing odd or just plain wrong behaviour in other people. I think I talked myself into thinking that nobody has worse social skills than me, so what other people do must be right since they know better than me. WRONG! This is not true for all people.

 

I made a big step this weekend by going to a convention in my city. I was very nervous of going. I was nervous all week! But I ended up having fun and met up with a couple people I knew there, including someone I don't normally hang out with. It scares me to hang out with new people, I guess part of me is afraid I'll mess it up.

 

Also just discovered that there is a yoga community in my city. It took a few months of going to classes to realize how many workshops and retreats there are, even fundraising events that are yoga-based. I'm certain that if I become more involved (which I plan to eventually do), I'll start recognizing faces and just meet new people naturally.

 

I've been complaining about my job for ages but haven't left yet. I don't yet have the confidence to leave. Part of it is because I am being trained in the department I've been wanting to get into. So I'll have to see how that goes to see if it's worth sticking around. But I know people in my field who have offered to help me get a job elsewhere.

 

Anyway that's my big update. I have spent these past few weeks planning things for the weekend and actually DOING stuff with people. I'm feeling kind of tired from it but at the same time it energizes me. I feel okay about doing nothing this weekend, but at the same time, I'm actually thinking about what should I do with it. That's a good sign, probably.

[SpiralOut]

I've been standing up for myself more. To the point where sometimes I don't know if I'm being a bitch or not.

 

For example, at work this woman likes to ask me "are you done yet." It's extremely annoying. So one day I responded with, "Almost. I'll let you know when I am done."

 

Not even five minutes later, she asked me AGAIN, "are you done yet?" I said to her, "I just told you I'll tell you when I'm done."

Then she said oh but I want to know (totally different question) that's what I am asking you!! She said it in a way like she though I was stupid for not understanding her question (that she never asked me).

 

*facepalm* NO that is not what you asked me. You asked me twice in a row if I am done!!

 

Lately in general I feel picked on. Not sure if I am just being oversensitive, or giving off the wrong impression (I'm getting bored and not trying as hard), or if it really is happening. I work with someone who got mad at me one day because someone made a joke (NOT at her expense, mind you) and I laughed. Another girl laughed too, but it was only me who got reamed out for it. Another day, I smiled at something, I forget what it was but it wasn't anything spiteful. She saw it, got mad and told me not to say anything. I told her um I am not saying anything. She then proceeded to give me a hard time because I smiled. WTF!!!! I just said to her, "what? I'm not allowed to smile? I can't enjoy myself?" No response.

 

So I guess my main concern right now is just maintaining my sense of self and not allowing others to get me down. I do my job well - I've been told by two members of management that my accuracy is the highest. And they trust me enough to cross-train me, so obviously I can't be incompetent or why would they do that. So why the hell do people give me such a hard time? There are a couple other people who talk to me like I am stupid, too. I am trying to just focus on talking to the people who DO treat me with respect.

 

Also, I have been very careful about dating. I think I mentioned this before. One of my friends has been trying to tell me I am being too picky. But she puts up with so much BS in her relationships that I'm taking her advice with a grain of salt. I know when to walk away. I know when it feels wrong. I am not willing to miss out on the right person just because I am too busy dating the wrong guy.

 

There were a couple of days this week where I felt so low. But that's okay. I am just taking care of myself by buying myself half-price flowers, hanging photos on the walls, and also I've been writing a fair bit. And one of my long-distance friends is making plans to visit me so hopefully that works out.

Edited June 10, 2012 by SpiralOut

[spiderowl]

My particular challenge this week is a feeling of paranoia that people are always talking about me behind my back. The weird woman is always saying things to me about how people are confused by me and complain about me. Then she'll tell me how she stands up for me. And it's like that is nice you stood up for me but it makes me feel like **** that you were put in a position where you needed to. And this isn't a one time thing, this has happened severals times. Either that or she is just exaggerating. She does blow things out of proportion and repeat herself frequently. But it feels like she is trying to tell me that people aren't accepting me. I know that I should ignore her and usually it doesn't bother me but I am starting to feel weirded out by the way people look at me.

 

Just seeing this made me realise this woman is trying to manipulate you by suggesting she's the only person who accepts and supports you. She is trying to step in between you and other people. I think this is a common tactic used by abusers - to make the victim think they are the only one that cares about them and that everyone else is against them. They intend to isolate and demoralise their victims while at the same time implying that they have power over you and over other people (suggesting they can control how others see you).

 

I think you do need to build other contacts, especially outside work, you know social contacts, because that is where you will get feedback from people who have no vested interest in you succeeding or failing at work. At the moment, you have very little to compare her behaviour with, it seems.

[SpiralOut]

Just seeing this made me realise this woman is trying to manipulate you by suggesting she's the only person who accepts and supports you. She is trying to step in between you and other people. I think this is a common tactic used by abusers - to make the victim think they are the only one that cares about them and that everyone else is against them. They intend to isolate and demoralise their victims while at the same time implying that they have power over you and over other people (suggesting they can control how others see you).

 

I think you do need to build other contacts, especially outside work, you know social contacts, because that is where you will get feedback from people who have no vested interest in you succeeding or failing at work. At the moment, you have very little to compare her behaviour with, it seems.

 

Thank you SO MUCH for saying this because that is EXACTLY what I was thinking!! Except I didn't realize it was an abuser's thing to do. All I knew is that it was manipulative and unhealthy and actually really scary!! It scares me to think that someone would try and do that to me!!

 

Don't worry, since the time I wrote that post I have made more social contacts. I have more friends outside of work now. I spoke to a couple of them to get some feedback. There is also one woman at work whom I've recently opened up to. An opportunity came up where I could do so without making myself look bad, so I told her a couple of things (NOT everything!) and she agrees that it is weird. And I've made friends with a couple of other people at work, so it no longer feels like it is me against them.

 

I DO NOT speak to this woman AT ALL anymore. Even that one night when I went out with everyone, I ignored her completely. And when she tried to take a photo of herself with me I did not allow her to do it. I don't know why she would try and do that!!

 

ETA: She also became really angry a few weeks ago when she found out that I met up at a convention with another woman from work whom I'm kinda becoming friends with. She confronted me about it! I made sure to tell my work-friend about it just to prevent any sort of manipulation from happening.

 

Oh and I've also noticed that it's difficult to find people who understand what I'm talking about. I have spoken to several different people and all but two of them took me seriously. Everyone else just wanted to explain away her behavior, oh she is just lonely oh it's just a cultural difference, oh that's weird but it's probably nothing. it's so hard to find people who believe me!!

 

Why would she do that anyway?? We are both straight women. I have never heard of someone manipulating and abusing someone they want to be "friends" or whatever with anyway. I just don't understand!

Edited June 10, 2012 by SpiralOut

[spiderowl]

I'm sorry you're having to cope with this. It's hard emotionally.

 

When I suggested making other contacts, it's best to make them outside work. I am sure you are making good friends at work but I learned it's best to be careful what you say and to whom at work. Even those who are friends can inadvertently drop you in it.

 

People do these things for all sorts of reasons. I did not intend to suggest she means to abuse you, just that abusers also do similar things. Maybe she actually likes you and it's her way of keeping you to herself and controlling you. Stranger things have been known. Sometimes people get into certain behaviour patterns because of how they were brought up and how their family relations were. I am not suggesting that this makes her a likeable person or that you should care, just that sometimes it can explain bizarre contradictions.

 

You best bet might be to make other friends and allies within the company and looking for an opportunity to move sideways or upwards and out of her sphere of influence. I have experienced something similar before and I believe the person was envious because others liked me and she felt her power based might be threatened if I was successful there. Looking back, I should have got out somehow as she was misrepresenting me to others and of course they didn't know what to think. Now that I've left there and am still in contact with friends from there, I'm hearing more about this and that some people saw through it.

Edited June 12, 2012 by spiderowl

[SpiralOut]

Thanks... yeah I don't see friends outside of work very often, not often enough anyway to counter-balance some of the weirdness I see each day. I've decided to go to a unitarian church this Sunday. Which is weird for me because I'm not particularily religious, but this place is supposed to be for anyone spritually minded. I don't know what else to do to meet people with similar values.

 

 

I'm already trying to get moved elsewhere in the company; it's taking forever to happen unfortunately...

 

 

And for the record this chick isn't bugging me that much anymore. I've detached myself enough to be able to see how she is with certain other people. I don't know how to explain it except that she looks silly. It's so funny how she talks to certain people the way one might talk nicely to a child, but they just act completely normal and don't really respond in the way she expects them to. The only thing that really freaks me out is just looking back on it all. There's a reason why I attracted someone like that and there's a reason for why I almost fell for her manipulations. It scares the crap out of me to see what can happen if I don't maintain my boundaries.

 

 

I'm also forcing myself to go to this writer's meetup next week. I'll report back after I've done a few more things like that.

Edited June 13, 2012 by SpiralOut

[jarlinjack]

According to my view, Confidence can be a sneaky thing playing hide and seek throughout life. No, it’s not something we’re born with and never lose. It fluctuates. Our confidence can become low at the start or end of a big project, if we’re nervous or feeling deflated or after a setback such as a botched relationship or business venture.

[SpiralOut]

Several accomplishments this week!

 

I went ao a writing group one evening. I had a blast! I'm a little worried they may think I am strange, just because my writing is a bit on the disturbing side but that's who I am so I just let it out. I got good feedback anyway and they seem nice. It felt good to be around people who seem to have their heads on straight. I'm going back next week.

 

Tonight I officially became the owner/renter of a garden plot. It's a community garden with a couple of mandatory events, and lots of volunteer opportunities for helping to clean up the garden etc. I'll finally be able to grow all the stuff I haven't been able to do in containers. And it feels like a safe space for me to get to know people.

 

Both places are close enough for me to bike to. I've been riding my bike a lot this week and oddly enough I feel fantastic from it. It gives me back some independence. Going from driving a car (in my hometown) to taking the bus everywhere in the city has worn me down even more than I realized.

 

I'm also looking after my health finally. I have some issues that need fixing. It feels good to be taking charge of it instead of avoiding dealing with it.

 

My next step is to take driving lessons. I have my licence but have lost my confidence. It has been so long since I drove a car. So I want to feel comfortable doing that again so I can rent a car at the end of the summer and go visit people.

 

[betterdeal]

Sounds like you're enjoying the journey, and getting up those hills too!

 

Well done - good to hear you're achieving so much!

 

[FitChick]

Today I put more of my energy into my apartment.

This might sound weird but doing that makes me feel better, like I deserve to live in a place that feels comfortable and who cares if it looks just as neat or clean as my parent's house.

 

You might enjoy this book. I went to a lecture by the author and then bought her book. It's gorgeous and gave me lots of great ideas. My apartment looks and feels so much better now. I didn't spend a lot of money either.

[SpiralOut]

Sounds like you're enjoying the journey, and getting up those hills too!

 

Well done - good to hear you're achieving so much!

 

Thanks

 

You might enjoy this book. I went to a lecture by the author and then bought her book. It's gorgeous and gave me lots of great ideas. My apartment looks and feels so much better now. I didn't spend a lot of money either.

Thanks. I might end up ordering that.

 

I've been getting into some stuff that might seem strange to most people like feng shui and healing crystals. I don't take it literally, it's more the symbolism that makes sense to me.

 

Also currently reading Women Who Run with the Wolves and I am shocked by it. Some of my poetry from the past few months is directly relatable to certain chapters from the book. I can't believe how much it speaks to me.

 

There was a drawback this weekend. I spent the past two days doing practically nothing. I had no energy, no drive. I guess you could say I was feeling some depression. I still don't feel very good but today will force myself to go outside and do some shopping.

 

I didn't used to care too much about my social life. I was too busy trying to put my head back on straight. I think I'm now at the point where I am ready to have people in my life and I am feeling depressed at how difficult it is to find people I can relate to.

 

I mentioned in another thread how I went out to a coworkers event on Friday. I got through the night without incident but something felt very wrong about it. The woman I've been having trouble with was actually no trouble at all. It was the other people I felt weird around. The one guy brags too much about how great he is, this one chick has poor boundaries, and was acting in a way that I didn't like towards another girl. It didn't feel right.

 

First chance I got, I made sure the one chick had a way home (she was originally going to stay at my place) and then told everyone I was leaving. I did not give a reason why. I left. And it felt good.

 

My main problem now is just how to keep up my energy. I am feeling down. I think that's why I avoided dealing with my issues for so long; because I knew it would create feelings of depression. I used to have terrible depression when I was younger, I mean suicidal thoughts and everything so I am worried of slipping back into that place. I will keep going to the writing group and keep going to yoga. Other than that I don't know what to do.

 

There is another group of aquaintences/friends that I've been avoiding hanging around. It's because my one friend in the group starting dating this girl who is super obsessed with him, and he is kinda indifferent to her. In fact he kept complaining to me about her. I can't stand watching that dynamic. It kills me to see her so into someone who doesn't feel the same way back and is enjoying the attention more than actually enjoying her for who she is. It seems cruel. But I can't say anything. It's not my business. And nobody else seems to see it but me.

 

I feel like so many people I talk to are just oblivious. Or maybe it's more fair to say that their point of view is just completely different from mine. Ugh. I don't know.

 

I should also mention that I have distanced myself from my family. My mother has always been overprotective and overly mothering of me even though I'm in my late 20s and live in a different city. She said some things on the phone recently that I didn't appreciate. And you know what happened when I didn't answer the phone last sunday? I got tons of phone calls, several in one night, every night for three days until I finally called back and spoke with my father. I had to explain to him that it's not okay for them to call and worry so much. I was genuinely busy and don't appreciate feeling harassed by phone calls. How am I supposed to feel like a woman when my family cannot treat me as one? So I am drawing boundaries with them.

Edited July 2, 2012 by SpiralOut

[SpiralOut]

Updating to say that I'm dealing with unpleasant issues. If anyone has noticed my other thread about my mother, well that's a big part of it. There's more to it than that though. It's really hard to explain.

 

I've been reading feminine based psychology (specifically, jungian analysis of the female soul) and it is giving me so much insight to myself. It is making me realize just how damaged I was, and still am. Although I can see that I'm getting better now.

 

I feel exhausted. I feel tempted to take a vacation just so I can sleep more. I wish I could work just half days. I mean I could if I wanted but then how would I pay my bills? Damn bills.

 

Considering looking into stress leave from work. I feel so angry when I'm there. Then on my days off I feel so exhausted.

 

I feel selfish saying this: my number one priority right now is getting to the root of my personal issues. I've been whittling away at my problems for a couple of years now. And I'm starting to get at the core. But it's like I'm so tired already from the work I've already done I just want to take a rest.

 

The number of things I need to change are alot. I need to get a different job. My company treats me like crap. I am in the process of setting boundaries with my mother. I am reconnecting with who I am. It feels like I am constantly fighting against someone or something. I can't even go to the doctor without something weird happening. Geez.

 

Maybe I am being too hard on myself. I just wish that I could rest and have everything be okay for a little while.

Edited July 9, 2012 by SpiralOut

[SpiralOut]

Today I had a blunt conversation with my boss.

 

The other day he confronted me about mistakes I had been making and wanted to know why it was happening. At the time I just told him "I don't know" but then I thought about it and decided that it was time to lay my cards on the table.

 

Today I went into his office and told him, I am making mistakes because I'm losing concentration for my job. I'm not learning anything anymore. He's been telling me for almost a year now that he wants to put me into another department and it's not really happening. I asked him if there is any possible way for me to leave this department and be put somewhere else. anywhere else.

 

He explained why he can't move me right now. Basically, he just doesn't want to but won't admit it. He told me that he understands my position and respects that I need to do what I need to do (hinting that it doesn't relaly matter if I leave). Which is fine. I did not expect him to jump up and down trying to keep me. I have a pretty good idea of how he works.

 

He asked me is this the end? I told him that I am considering all my options and I would prefer to stay within the company if possible. But eventually I need to leave my current position.

 

I was careful to not give him an exact answer, just because, he is being very ambiguous with me. I don't want him to think I am making some sort of ultimatum. I'm not. I did this because I want to see if there is a way for me to be moved if I just ask for it. Clearly that's not happening. I also wanted him to know my position on things so it doesn't come as a shock when I get a new job somewhere else. I am going to need him as a reference, so I feel better knowing that I can ask him for that without him getting angry.

 

I feel so good that I just did this. The only thing is that now I am stressed because I NEED to start looking elsewhere for another job. Otherwise everything I just said to him is just a bunch of whining.

 

*whew*

[SpiralOut]

I am taking some time to slow down. I think I'm becoming exhausted by the amount of effort I've been putting towards certain things. It's like a train that just keeps going and going without putting any type of fuel into it.

 

Not sure if I mentioned this or not already but I have trouble leaving my apartment sometimes. The anxiety used to be really bad. I also have a habit of being hard on myself, always looking to the next thing I should do and what needs to be fixed next. It makes me feel like I am never good enough and cannot ever rest.

 

I've been feeling stressed out all weekend for some reason. I had trouble leaving the apartment yesterday but I made myself do it to go shopping. I ended up not even buying anything I need but just allowed myself to be spontaneous. I made brownies and stayed up late watching episodes of Buffy. It has been such a long time since I let myself stay up that late at night. It was kind of fun.

 

Today I'm staying in because of how incredibly hot it is outside. Once it cools down this evening I'll go out to my garden plot to water the tomatoes and plant some vegetable seeds. This afternoon I know that I need to be job searching and cleaning the apartment but I'm not. The only thing I can bring myself to do is rearrange my jewelery. So I will just do that. I'll just do what I feel like doing and try to not feel guilty about not being more practical. There is a broken plant pot on the floor my cat knocked over and for some reason I am not cleaning it up. I feel anxious about it. I'm not sure what's wrong with me.

 

I have made a lot of progress. I used to only go outside for work, then come home afterwards. I would only go out to buy food or run errands. But now I go to yoga class once a week and go to a writing group once a week. Sometimes I'll go to the corner store to pick up cream or whatever. In other words, I am doing normal things now Monday-Friday. It's just the weekend I have trouble getting out and about. I'm kind of neglecting my garden plot but I do go out on Sunday at least so that's better than nothing.

 

This might sound weird but I'm incorporating spirituality into my life. I have never been religious but for some reason I have to pray now to deal with my anxiety. It helps. It's kind of embarassing though. Nobody in real life knows that I do that.

[betterdeal]

Hello again. I had a wry smile when I read what said about feeling your never good enough: it's all very well looking forward and fixing things, but sometimes you have to sit back, look back and realise just how much you're stretched yourself and grown if you are to fully appreciate it.

 

Do you set intentions and review how you got on with them? Simple ones for the day / week / month? Some people find that helps them do just that, and it kind of organises that down time you spend into a "legitimate" part of The Plan, as it were. Works for some, not all.

 

With things like the broken plant pot, I procrastinate like that sometimes. Sometimes I think "Actually, the lazy thing is to clean it up because then I don't need to think about it" and that helps me do it; other times I think, hmm, maybe I'll do something near it and if I feel the mood to do that as well, I will, but only if the mood strikes me, and that works too, as I often start doing one little job and get on a roll doing lots of them and before you know it, the energy levels are up and things are Getting Done.

 

Don't worry, you're doing great

[SpiralOut]

 

Do you set intentions and review how you got on with them? Simple ones for the day / week / month? Some people find that helps them do just that, and it kind of organises that down time you spend into a "legitimate" part of The Plan, as it were. Works for some, not all.

Yeah I do. Every 1-2 weeks I'll write a list of different things that need to be done. I don't make reference to it unless I forget what I was going to do. By the time I look at it again, I'm usually able to check off a few things.

 

I've also put together a system where I've got different notebooks for different things, like a finances book, an unpleasant-tasks book, daily journal notebook, and so on. It's seems to be working better than anything else I've tried so far.

 

 

Don't worry, you're doing great

Thanks!

[SpiralOut]

I'm not feeling so well.

 

I see things more clearly.

 

I'm having trouble focusing on anything. The only thing I can pay attention to are certain TV shows and books. Basically, escapes from reality, although I'm partly doing it to analyze how other writers develop characters.

 

My life isn't how I want it to be. I need something to focus on so I'm not stuck thinking about how much my life sucks. Not much appeals to me, though. It all seems pointless.

[betterdeal]

Sounds like you need to let your hair down and stop thinking for a bit. Maybe an evening out with or without friends, or going for a swim, yoga, long walk in he country or a park or something physical like that.

 

If you can make an agreement with yourself that you'll focus on something afterwards, maybe that'll help. We all need to take a time out from time to time.

[SpiralOut]

Thanks...

 

Yeah I went for a bike ride last night and added some seedlings to my garden plot. It made me feel better.

 

Today it rained after a drought that lasted at least 3-4 weeks (lost track of the exact time). It is oddly relieiving. Like I can actually leave my apartment and not feel sick to my stomach or dizzy from the heat.

 

I think I was freaking out in my last post because I'm not used to feeling sad. Normally I just numb out my feelings. I've been feeling sad lately, not every day but enough days that sometimes I worry about falling back into depression. I think that's my worst fear, of going back to that place.

 

I think that's why I felt motivated to get out last night. It's okay to sit around feeling bad sometimes. I should let myself do that. But I can't let my whole life fall to bits because of it or things will get exponentially worse.

 

I am looking into joining a biking club. I'm not sure if it's too late in the season to join, since there were training sessions in the spring you're supposed to do before going out on group rides. But I'm going to email them to see. It's partly to meet new people, partly to learn how to ride downtown without getting creamed by a car, since I don't really know what I"m doing, and I've been using my bike a lot lately to get around.

 

Also did some painting the other day.

 

I've been snapping at people but I think that's good. Well okay maybe it's not good for them but at least it's better than silently seething. I don't go home and think about how mad I am about anything that happened during the day.

 

There are a few basic things I need to do for myself. Mostly medical stuff, and driving lessons. After that I think I'll be ready to look at my long-term goals and figure out a way to make them happen. That's what stresses me out so much sometimes, is that I'm not where I'd like to be. I haven't been able to make much progress with life goals, because fixing myself is more important. It's not possible to move forward unless I take the time to stand still and put my head on straight first.

[betterdeal]

So, in a way, your journey has already started. You're taking your first steps by getting your kit. You can't climb Everest by just getting up one morning and walking off towards it. You have to have the idea first, get to Nepal, get all your kit together, and a map, and practice, and be in good shape, find companions, and so and so on.

 

It's the journey, the process, that's going to fill your days, so might as well enjoy it, in all its infuriating and wonderful ways.