Regaining confidence

[SpiralOut]

Today sucked. So did this past weekend. I feel paranoid. It's like I can look at the world two different ways: the old way and this new way. I can slip in and out of them. Against my will, I flip back and forth between two points of view all day long. It's really stressful.

 

There are only two people I trust. Everyone else is under suspicion.

 

Today I skipped my group thing. Normally I would make myself go so I can feel better but that seemed like a bad idea. Had the wrong person said the wrong thing to me, I would have snapped. I was feeling way too unstable.

 

I called someone and vented. It helped. Then I applyed for this career counselling session, first time is free. I cannot fix my career path by myself. I've been trying all year and it is too hard. I need help.

 

I'm wondering if it's possible for me to take stress leave, or if it's a good idea to do that. I feel unstable.

 

Oh yeah so that guy I was dating last time, he's a jerk, just in case anyone is wondering. He asked me if I wanted to sleep with him. on our second date. Yeah. I don't think so buddy.

 

I've dealt with anxiety and self-esteem issues and it seems to get to a point where you realize that you have everything to gain and nothing to lose. It hits you that living life like that for the rest of your days would be hell, so why not give yourself a fighting chance at happiness?

 

When I have off days, I remind myself of the above, and I think about the progress I've made from the first time I decided that I no longer wanted to be that weak, miserable person.

 

So I hope when you want to give up, you think about how far you've come from the person at the beginning of this thread. We're all supporting you.

 

Thank you. The support means a lot to me. I see thousands of people have viewed this thread but you are one of the very few to respond. I feel like I must be a one woman freak show or something.

 

You are right to say that it is hell to continue on living the same way as before. The only way to go is up. Sometimes it feels like I am going through hell.

[SpiralOut]

I just realized that I hate myself.

 

I don't even want to go to work tomorrow. But I can't call in sick unless I get a Dr's note, and it's too much work to go lie and pretend to be sick to get a note.

 

I've been doing all this to turn myself into someone that I can actually like. But in certain ways its making things worse. I just shut myself off more and more from different people. Maybe that's good because they're toxic, or maybe I'm just being paranoid. I don't know anymore. I feel confused. Maybe I should go to a doctor to get anti-anxiety meds or something. These past two nights I have just holed myself up in my apartment, letting things get messy, not cooking or eating much of anything. The only reason I'm not killing myself is because I can't stand the idea of people feeling sorry for me when I'm gone.

[Pirouette]

I just realized that I hate myself.

 

I don't even want to go to work tomorrow. But I can't call in sick unless I get a Dr's note, and it's too much work to go lie and pretend to be sick to get a note.

 

I've been doing all this to turn myself into someone that I can actually like. But in certain ways its making things worse. I just shut myself off more and more from different people. Maybe that's good because they're toxic, or maybe I'm just being paranoid. I don't know anymore. I feel confused. Maybe I should go to a doctor to get anti-anxiety meds or something. These past two nights I have just holed myself up in my apartment, letting things get messy, not cooking or eating much of anything. The only reason I'm not killing myself is because I can't stand the idea of people feeling sorry for me when I'm gone.

 

I think you're just having an off day. It's easy to slip into old ways of thinking when you're looking ahead to your goals and they seem so far away.

 

I've read that your thought patterns can actually influence the development of your brain, so that the more you think something, the more it wears a track in your neural pathways. Over time, that makes it faster and easier to think the same thoughts no matter the situation.

 

So I started paying attention to all the times where I thought something negative (which turned out to be a hell of a lot!) and I tried to interrupt it with something good. When I would start to think "I hate..." or "What is wrong with..." which always used to end with a negative thought about myself, I stopped myself and thought "I love my ___." The blank was usually my dog, since I love her no matter what happens.

 

It's like the person with the rubber band on their wrist interrupting the bad habit. And it worked. Over time, I had less and less negative thoughts as immediate reactions.

 

Then I would try and use logic to work through whatever was bothering me to show myself it was actually no big deal. Such as with the thought, "I hate myself." I would ask myself, what is actually worth hating someone over? Am I a murdering? Do I lie, cheat and steal? Do I deliberately set out to hurt others? Am I a monster? The answer of course is no. And therefore whatever human failing I have that makes me feel like hating myself, is actually not worthy of hate, and if I met someone else with that characteristic, I'd probably think nothing of it.

 

Please, please don't even think about killing yourself. Tell yourself that it isn't an option. Life holds so much more for you. With death, it's all gone, all the potential for real happiness. You deserve the chance to see what you can do with the rest of your life.

[SpiralOut]

Don't worry, I'm not going to do anything stupid. That's just something I sometimes think about.

 

This is more than just an off day. more like an off week. yesterday was awful, as was the day before that and before that. Things with my family are very messed up, as I got to discover over the weekend. I feel suspicious of a longtime friend.

 

I'm feeling so weird that I hardly speak to anyone all day. I feel hyperaware of the words I say. I feel very aware of people's reactions, not just to me but to each other. In a way that's good, just because I've been walking around in a daze for a year, living inside my head without paying attention to how I come across. It's harder to talk to people though because I get freaked out that much more easily.

 

I'm feeling relieved. All of this pretending has been killing me. Pretending to love myself. Ha! I need to confront what I don't like. I can't do that unless I admit I don't like certain things. I can't just focus on the positive and shove the negative thoughts under the rug. I need to sweep them all out and deal with them. It's true that I need to change thought patterns. I can do that now. Hopefully.

[Pirouette]

Don't worry, I'm not going to do anything stupid. That's just something I sometimes think about.

 

Good, and truly that's one of the negative reactions that you need to stamp out. It's overkill and it just exacerbates your condition.

 

This is more than just an off day. more like an off week. yesterday was awful, as was the day before that and before that. Things with my family are very messed up, as I got to discover over the weekend. I feel suspicious of a longtime friend.

 

I'm sorry things are piling up on you. Can I ask why you are feeling suspicious of an old friend?

 

I'm feeling relieved. All of this pretending has been killing me. Pretending to love myself. Ha! I need to confront what I don't like. I can't do that unless I admit I don't like certain things. I can't just focus on the positive and shove the negative thoughts under the rug. I need to sweep them all out and deal with them. It's true that I need to change thought patterns. I can do that now. Hopefully.

 

I think your perceptions of this are a little on the extreme side. What you need is balance. Loving yourself doesn't mean that you see no flaws. And having flaws doesn't mean that you should hate yourself!

 

Do you think that you are a decent human being? Do you think that you have goodness in you? Are you capable of love?

[SpiralOut]

I'd recommend relaxing and and getting to know yourself so that you know what it means to be attuned to yourself.

 

Remember that people aren't as aware of your every detail, the way you are, no need to be self conscious. Everyone is way to focused on themselves to notice. Bear in mind the only person you're living for is you essentially, don't try to for others. Loving and respecting yourself results in being loved and respected... Sorry for all the cliches.

 

There are many things you can do to build confidence. One of the great ways is to join a group for morale support. Practice is the best way.

 

There is a herb Kava Kava root that is supposed to be good for social anxiety and not harmful or addicting the way prescription drugs for anxiety are.

Thanks. Cliches can be good. lol. I've been trying to love myself. I understand on an intellectual level, that that is what I need to do. Actually putting it into practice is soo hard.

 

I might try the kava kava root. I was thinking of going to a doctor for anti-anxiety drugs but something more natural might be better.

 

Good, and truly that's one of the negative reactions that you need to stamp out. It's overkill and it just exacerbates your condition.

 

I'm sorry things are piling up on you. Can I ask why you are feeling suspicious of an old friend?

 

I think your perceptions of this are a little on the extreme side. What you need is balance. Loving yourself doesn't mean that you see no flaws. And having flaws doesn't mean that you should hate yourself!

 

Do you think that you are a decent human being? Do you think that you have goodness in you? Are you capable of love?

 

I'm suspicious of her because she just says things that remind me of someone else I used to have issues with. I seriously doubt that she is actually being mean to me but I feel suspicious of peopel who are just constantly nice. She's always nice, I've never seen her yell or act sarcastic towards someone. People like that are more likely to be passive aggressive, in my experience. Anyway I'm talking to another friend this weekend who was there with us to see what she thinks.

 

I don't think I explained myself well before. I don't completely hate myself. There are just things about me that I really hate. And yeah I have goodness in me. And yes, I can love, but I don't really show it.

[SpiralOut]

deleting message. seems like too much information to share.

[Pirouette]

Thanks. Cliches can be good. lol. I've been trying to love myself. I understand on an intellectual level, that that is what I need to do. Actually putting it into practice is soo hard.

 

I'm suspicious of her because she just says things that remind me of someone else I used to have issues with. I seriously doubt that she is actually being mean to me but I feel suspicious of peopel who are just constantly nice. She's always nice, I've never seen her yell or act sarcastic towards someone. People like that are more likely to be passive aggressive, in my experience. Anyway I'm talking to another friend this weekend who was there with us to see what she thinks.

 

I don't think I explained myself well before. I don't completely hate myself. There are just things about me that I really hate. And yeah I have goodness in me. And yes, I can love, but I don't really show it.

 

Or maybe she's just nice. I truly believe part of gaining real confidence is to let go of your paranoia and to stop caring about the things you have no control over. If you think someone is being rude, speak up and confront them. Let them say what they will and evaluate that and be firm. Then move on.

 

As to the last, what I was trying to get at is that yes you should examine yourself critically and identify areas to improve, but truly unless you are evil and are causing harm, they are not worthy of hate. Framing it so negatively keeps you stuck in a cycle of doubt and anger, neither of which is helpful. If you have goodness in you, then you should love yourself, recognizing that you don't have to be perfect to deserve love, and that loving yourself doesn't mean you ignore your flaws.

 

I don't know what you deleted, but I hope you are doing better.

[SpiralOut]

Thank you. I know that my moods can be extreme. It is hard to find balance.

 

I see now that I am better than I realized. This past week I have been feeling so strange that it affected my normal thinking. All week I had trouble concentrating on what people say to me, just can't focus, get confused easily. I made mistakes on the job that I don't usually make. I'm not usually like that. People who know me know that I'm not usually like that.

 

Some of my coworkers weren't very nice to me about it. They spoke to me like I am stupid. One of them even laughed. That's really rude. And you know what? They are hypocrites. Every single one of them does the same thing on a regular basis. Not just sometimes, but regularily. All year long I've had frustrations talking to people who don't hear what I say. I have to repeat the same thing over and over. They don't understand when I (or someone else!) tries to explain something to them. They are very confused people. Others have commented on it, so I know that I'm not imagining it.

 

But I don't laugh at them. Do I snap sometimes, yeah. But most of the time I just shrug my shoulders and walk away without saying anything. So why do they talk that way to me? They know I'm not usually like this. Why aren't they asking me if I am okay? Instead, they just treat me like I am dumb. They do the same thing to someone else at work, a good looking guy who does his job really well. He can be absent minded sometimes, but he is much more logical than them. Yet they talk to him and about him like he's stupid.

 

The woman who laughed at me said some things last week that were extremely weird and stupid. Someone asked her if she was drunk. I wanted to laugh, because she really did sound like she must be drunk! But I didn't. That would have been mean. But she doesn't hesitate to laugh at me. Hmm how interesting.

 

That says something about me. Something good. Yesterday, someone who doesn't usually talk to me wished me a good night. She has her head on straight. I'm wondering if she sees that I'm not okay. Or maybe I'm imagining it.

[Pirouette]

If people are rude to you unprovoked, then that just means that they are rude. You can't control other people and it's an exercise in futility trying to decipher why they do what they do, or how it could possibly reflect yourself. All you can do is control your reaction to others and decide how you want to treat people.

 

And just as you should dismiss rude people as simply rude when you know that you are acting in a way that is in alignment with your own values, if someone is nice and polite to you, take it at face value. Don't over analyse everything or you'll be at the whim of every little thing that occurs.

[taya]

hun i can tell your a hottie dont care what other people say sometimes people say bad things to you beacuse they are not confident in them self so they put u down trying to make them self feel better but dont make it work take charge and show them nothing they say will put u down .and that girl that keep puting u down let her go there are alot of good woman out there that will treat there man with love and respect;)

[SpiralOut]

If people are rude to you unprovoked, then that just means that they are rude. You can't control other people and it's an exercise in futility trying to decipher why they do what they do, or how it could possibly reflect yourself. All you can do is control your reaction to others and decide how you want to treat people.

 

And just as you should dismiss rude people as simply rude when you know that you are acting in a way that is in alignment with your own values, if someone is nice and polite to you, take it at face value. Don't over analyse everything or you'll be at the whim of every little thing that occurs.

 

You're right. I have a bad habit of blaming myself when someone is rude to me. My first thought is to wonder if I did something wrong to them to deserve it. But I can't think that way. Because even if i DID do something to piss them off, that doesn't make it okay for them to act that way. A mature person would politely talk to me, and let me know that I did something to upset them so we can work it out.

 

I am struggling with this right now because a woman at work is being nasty to me. She yells at me, unprovoked, and just assumes the worst about me, accusing me of things that aren't true. I am going to have to confront her soon. Her behaviour is completely out of line. I am also documenting incidents into a notebook.

 

This has affected me more than I realized. When people are nice to me I am surprised. Sometimes I just expect to be yelled at or hated. I am trying to remember that I deserve to be treated properly. That's why I am starting to really like the weekly group that I go to. People greet me by name, are nice to me. It used to freak me out but I'm slowly feeling like an accepted member of the group. It's such a relief.

 

hun i can tell your a hottie dont care what other people say sometimes people say bad things to you beacuse they are not confident in them self so they put u down trying to make them self feel better but dont make it work take charge and show them nothing they say will put u down .and that girl that keep puting u down let her go there are alot of good woman out there that will treat there man with love and respect;)

 

Thanks. Just to clarify, I'm a woman not a man lol but I agree with your advice.

 

Actually I wonder if maybe I'm in a place where I don't belong. These are analytical types. They do things like keep track of numbers in their head, they watch the clock to see what time people come and go. Sometimes they talk to me like I'm dumb because I don't do that. Well guess what, I am a poet. I am intuitive. What I've always been good at is music and literature. I write stories about people who act like water, and it makes perfect sense to me. Science is interesting, but I don't think it's where I belong. I am probably more creative than some of these people but I don't think less of them for it. I don't get to use my real talents here. I'm a square peg shoving myself into a round hole. So where do I go instead? That's the problem.

 

I'm signing up to do volunteer work, in a field that interests me, and next month is nanowrimo, so I'll be writing a novel (hopefully I'll finish it this year!). I think the best way to get out of where I am is to find a new place to go. I need to find creative types, earth-loving environmental types. I have a good feeling about next month. Something good is going to happen.

Edited October 21, 2012 by SpiralOut

[Pirouette]

I am struggling with this right now because a woman at work is being nasty to me. She yells at me, unprovoked, and just assumes the worst about me, accusing me of things that aren't true. I am going to have to confront her soon. Her behaviour is completely out of line. I am also documenting incidents into a notebook.

 

If you can confront her the next time she does this, do it. I think it does wonders to actually stand up for yourself and realize that you will take care of yourself when it is needed. No one else can give you that. Just be calm and straight to the point. Tell her she's being rude, unprofessional, and if she's accusing you of things she better have proof for when you take it up with your manager and HR. Her behaviour is unacceptable.

 

This has affected me more than I realized. When people are nice to me I am surprised. Sometimes I just expect to be yelled at or hated. I am trying to remember that I deserve to be treated properly. That's why I am starting to really like the weekly group that I go to. People greet me by name, are nice to me. It used to freak me out but I'm slowly feeling like an accepted member of the group. It's such a relief.

 

You deserve dignity and decency. That should be the norm, not the exception. I hope you embrace this group and push yourself to interact with them. It's a great way to practice your social skills.

 

Actually I wonder if maybe I'm in a place where I don't belong. These are analytical types...Well guess what, I am a poet. I am intuitive. What I've always been good at is music and literature...I don't get to use my real talents here. I'm a square peg shoving myself into a round hole. So where do I go instead? That's the problem.

 

Sometimes, we do what we have to do to pay the bills. Nothing wrong with being pragmatic. Use your free time well to nurture the other parts of your soul if it's not possible to completely change jobs and career.

 

I'm signing up to do volunteer work, in a field that interests me, and next month is nanowrimo, so I'll be writing a novel (hopefully I'll finish it this year!). I think the best way to get out of where I am is to find a new place to go. I need to find creative types, earth-loving environmental types. I have a good feeling about next month. Something good is going to happen.

 

I'm happy for you! I tried nanowrimo once, and it's tough. Good on you for trying again.

[SpiralOut]

Umm okay so I realized that I tell myself that I'm lazy. That's not good. I am so much more productive than I used to be. I think I'm doing well for someone who has anxiety problems and back pain. I"m working on both of those things, so hopefully I can stretch myself further as the anxiety decreases and the pain decreases (I get tired very easily on the days that my back hurts). So I'm telling myself that I'm not lazy, I am hardworking. So what if I"m not in school anymore, or working as much as I feel like I should on certain personal projects. I've been working so hard on myself that I can't possibly be lazy. Taking care of myself takes priority over career/education goals right now.

 

 

If you can confront her the next time she does this, do it. I think it does wonders to actually stand up for yourself and realize that you will take care of yourself when it is needed. No one else can give you that. Just be calm and straight to the point. Tell her she's being rude, unprofessional, and if she's accusing you of things she better have proof for when you take it up with your manager and HR. Her behaviour is unacceptable.

 

Yes I'll have to do that. I'm sure she'll just slam the phone in my face again or walk away from me but whatever. I have a good idea of what to say next time.

 

There are TWO people acting crazy towards me at work right now. This is after I spent several months struggling to deal with a different person who was on my back. Oh my god. Why do I attract these types? It's like I have "punching bag" written on my forehead or something. It makes me feel exhausted.

 

 

I'm happy for you! I tried nanowrimo once, and it's tough. Good on you for trying again.

 

Did you finish?

[Pirouette]

Umm okay so I realized that I tell myself that I'm lazy. That's not good. I am so much more productive than I used to be. I think I'm doing well for someone who has anxiety problems and back pain. I"m working on both of those things, so hopefully I can stretch myself further as the anxiety decreases and the pain decreases (I get tired very easily on the days that my back hurts). So I'm telling myself that I'm not lazy, I am hardworking. So what if I"m not in school anymore, or working as much as I feel like I should on certain personal projects. I've been working so hard on myself that I can't possibly be lazy. Taking care of myself takes priority over career/education goals right now.

 

It's that bias towards negative thinking that we talked about before. Instead of looking at all the hard work you've done and saying you deserve a break, you default to telling yourself that you're lazy. And you're probably not even saying it such nice terms! You're going to work, paying the bills, and putting food on the table? Then you're taking care of your business and what you do after that is up to you.

 

My trigger word is "selfish." Every time I didn't kill myself to do things for other people, selfish! If I wanted to discuss my feelings and needs, selfish! Caring about myself = selfish. I had to learn to let it go, and trust my own judgment of my values.

 

There are TWO people acting crazy towards me at work right now. This is after I spent several months struggling to deal with a different person who was on my back. Oh my god. Why do I attract these types? It's like I have "punching bag" written on my forehead or something. It makes me feel exhausted.

 

Some people can tell who is likely to take abuse and will target them. That's why it's important to stand up for yourself and not accept ill treatment. There will always be those who will take advantage if they can.

 

Did you finish?

 

No, but it was a good exercise to try once and it spurred other things. I have a different style for getting my writing done, so I don't really need nanowrimo to kick start myself. I say, if you have ideas, get started on them now. I don't think anyone will care if you don't actually start on Nov. 01.

[taya]

You're right. I have a bad habit of blaming myself when someone is rude to me. My first thought is to wonder if I did something wrong to them to deserve it. But I can't think that way. Because even if i DID do something to piss them off, that doesn't make it okay for them to act that way. A mature person would politely talk to me, and let me know that I did something to upset them so we can work it out.

 

I am struggling with this right now because a woman at work is being nasty to me. She yells at me, unprovoked, and just assumes the worst about me, accusing me of things that aren't true. I am going to have to confront her soon. Her behaviour is completely out of line. I am also documenting incidents into a notebook.

 

This has affected me more than I realized. When people are nice to me I am surprised. Sometimes I just expect to be yelled at or hated. I am trying to remember that I deserve to be treated properly. That's why I am starting to really like the weekly group that I go to. People greet me by name, are nice to me. It used to freak me out but I'm slowly feeling like an accepted member of the group. It's such a relief.

 

 

 

Thanks. Just to clarify, I'm a woman not a man lol but I agree with your advice.

 

Actually I wonder if maybe I'm in a place where I don't belong. These are analytical types. They do things like keep track of numbers in their head, they watch the clock to see what time people come and go. Sometimes they talk to me like I'm dumb because I don't do that. Well guess what, I am a poet. I am intuitive. What I've always been good at is music and literature. I write stories about people who act like water, and it makes perfect sense to me. Science is interesting, but I don't think it's where I belong. I am probably more creative than some of these people but I don't think less of them for it. I don't get to use my real talents here. I'm a square peg shoving myself into a round hole. So where do I go instead? That's the problem.

 

I'm signing up to do volunteer work, in a field that interests me, and next month is nanowrimo, so I'll be writing a novel (hopefully I'll finish it this year!). I think the best way to get out of where I am is to find a new place to go. I need to find creative types, earth-loving environmental types. I have a good feeling about next month. Something good is going to happen.

 

 

 

 

 

lol am so sorry about the guy thing lol. but good stuff you wrote wow and a novel wow what do you think it will be about lol?

[SpiralOut]

Okay the good news first. I applied to do volunteering. I can't make it to the next orientation night, so I'm waiting to hear when the next one is so I can go to that one. Also I just told someone I will go to her party this weekend even though it's possible there will be someone there I can't stand. I'm sick of skipping out on social events just to avoid someone. Anyway, she's happy that I'm going. I really need to make myself get out there more, so yeah.

 

Tonight was interesting. I went to the group thing, despite feeling exhausted and not really wanting to. There was someone there I can't stand. Last time I spoke with him I felt humiliated and infuriated.

 

He talks down to me. It's not something I can even really fight back against because it's the tone of his voice and the way he talks, not so much the things he says. I can feel the way that he tries to force me into what he considers a "normal" way of conversation. I can't explain it but I've felt it before and I know I'm not imagining it. Does that make any sense?

 

I think the only real way for me to deal with it is to act as normal as possible. When people see that I am an intelligent person, and they see how he talks to me, he is the one who will look stupid not me. I'm pretty sure I rolled my eyes at him too. He also likes to laugh at people. Sometimes they laugh with him, but sometimes it's just rude of him and he sits there laughing by himself at someone with nobody else looking amused. He laughed at a girl who came into our room by accident, said sorry, and left. What?? How on earth does that make her silly or stupid? I thought nothing of it but he just... was a jackass about it. He has some awkwardness of his own, so I think he takes it out on other people to feel better. I should not feel bad by the way he talks to me. I mean, he was freaking watching me while I wrote something down, then he tried to criticize me for it! I just corrected him and he shut up.

 

So that was interesting.

 

I'm getting very stressed out by the way others see me. I am seen as an easy mark. To not be an easy mark I need to be more assertive. It's hard to feel confident and assertive when people talk to me the way that they do. It's a cycle.

 

One year ago I was acting and feeling confident, or at least more so than right now. I was able to act outgoing and I laughed a lot. Now I hardly ever laugh and I feel strange when I talk. I think maybe this year I'm on a different level of awareness. I've seen so much of the worst of people. It changes how I see things. I feel wiser, but also more afraid.

 

It's almost like I'm being worn down.

 

 

No, but it was a good exercise to try once and it spurred other things. I have a different style for getting my writing done, so I don't really need nanowrimo to kick start myself. I say, if you have ideas, get started on them now. I don't think anyone will care if you don't actually start on Nov. 01.

Makes sense. Yeah I'll be getting started this weekend. There's a meetup group for people to strategize and brainstorm. I can't do this alone, so I'm going to go to that. Do you mind me asking how you kickstart yourself?

 

lol am so sorry about the guy thing lol. but good stuff you wrote wow and a novel wow what do you think it will be about lol?

No worries lol. Not sure what it will be about.

Edited October 24, 2012 by SpiralOut

[Pirouette]

Okay the good news first. I applied to do volunteering. I can't make it to the next orientation night, so I'm waiting to hear when the next one is so I can go to that one. Also I just told someone I will go to her party this weekend even though it's possible there will be someone there I can't stand. I'm sick of skipping out on social events just to avoid someone. Anyway, she's happy that I'm going. I really need to make myself get out there more, so yeah.

 

Good for you. Small steps are still steps! If you care about that sort of stuff, make yourself look nice and wear a cute outfit.

 

So why can't you stand this person? I ask because you've mentioned a number of different people you can't stand, and I wonder if they have some sort of common element. The answer can possibly tell you something about yourself.

 

I think the only real way for me to deal with it is to act as normal as possible...I should not feel bad by the way he talks to me.

You know, if someone is speaking to you in a condescending tone, you can point out to them that their tone is rude, and that they're not being very helpful.

 

I'm getting very stressed out by the way others see me. I am seen as an easy mark. To not be an easy mark I need to be more assertive. It's hard to feel confident and assertive when people talk to me the way that they do. It's a cycle.

How can you see yourself breaking the cycle? At some point, you're going to have to learn to not care about how others see you. That's the only way to not be at the mercy of their whims. Sure, the cowards will back down from assertiveness, but other people will just hit back harder and nastier. You need to be able to dismiss and forget.

 

One year ago I was acting and feeling confident, or at least more so than right now. I was able to act outgoing and I laughed a lot. Now I hardly ever laugh and I feel strange when I talk. I think maybe this year I'm on a different level of awareness. I've seen so much of the worst of people. It changes how I see things. I feel wiser, but also more afraid.

Are you sure your awareness hasn't become paranoia? That can be very exhausting and paralyzing.

 

Do you mind me asking how you kickstart yourself?

I set my own goals throughout the year. I give myself deadlines for drafts, I tell my critiquing partners when they can expect them so they hound me. When on my computer, so that I don't waste all my time here!, I tell myself I have to work for an hour, and then surf for five minutes.

 

Oh and start plotting ASAP so that you'll have somewhere to start on the first.

[SpiralOut]

 

So why can't you stand this person? I ask because you've mentioned a number of different people you can't stand, and I wonder if they have some sort of common element. The answer can possibly tell you something about yourself.

 

Ah yes this is why I obsess over people I don't like. I know it says something about me, the fact that I don't like them.

 

I had very serious issues with this person earlier in the year. Basically she was really nasty to me. She overstepped my boundaries in a serious way. She had trouble understanding that I am a private person. The stuff she said was very intrusive. She was manipulative and tried to force me to behave in the way she wanted. There were many insults thrown at me. She also tended to project herself onto me which was frustrating as hell.

 

I guess basically I can't stand people whom I feel don't respect me.

 

You know, if someone is speaking to you in a condescending tone, you can point out to them that their tone is rude, and that they're not being very helpful.

Even if all he's doing is saying hi how are you? We were sitting in a circle, everyone was staring at us. I felt like I couldn't tell him off in that situation. He sort of laughed at me too which I felt was rude but wasn't sure of how awkward it would be for me to ask him if I missed something funny that happened? Maybe that would have been a good way to call him out on it? I was so pissed I didn't know what to say.

 

It wasn't just that, though. He has a vibe that creeps me out. I have trouble talking to him whenever he tries to converse with me because I just feel so uncomfortable. Whenever I feel that way it's for a good reason.

 

How can you see yourself breaking the cycle? At some point, you're going to have to learn to not care about how others see you. That's the only way to not be at the mercy of their whims. Sure, the cowards will back down from assertiveness, but other people will just hit back harder and nastier. You need to be able to dismiss and forget.

I don't know. I think I need to build myself up in other areas. All my life, whenever people look at me they think (know) that I'm a smart person. I don't even do anything to try and make them see it. They just know it. When so many people talk to me like I'm stupid, as they've been doing lately, I don't know how to deal with that. It's like suddenly I'm not the smart person anymore, I'm just somebody to talk down to and laugh at. That hasn't really happened to me before. Maybe I just don't feel smart anymore? It's been a long time since i've done anything academic.

 

Are you sure your awareness hasn't become paranoia? That can be very exhausting and paralyzing.

I'm not sure. But at this point I would rather be paranoid than continue to act totally naive, trusting people who try to manipulate me or use me or act two-faced with me.

 

I set my own goals throughout the year. I give myself deadlines for drafts, I tell my critiquing partners when they can expect them so they hound me. When on my computer, so that I don't waste all my time here!, I tell myself I have to work for an hour, and then surf for five minutes.

 

Oh and start plotting ASAP so that you'll have somewhere to start on the first.

 

Thanks for the tips!

Edited October 25, 2012 by SpiralOut

[Pirouette]

Ah yes this is why I obsess over people I don't like. I know it says something about me, the fact that I don't like them.

 

I had very serious issues with this person earlier in the year. Basically she was really nasty to me. She overstepped my boundaries in a serious way. She had trouble understanding that I am a private person. The stuff she said was very intrusive. She was manipulative and tried to force me to behave in the way she wanted. There were many insults thrown at me. She also tended to project herself onto me which was frustrating as hell.

 

I guess basically I can't stand people whom I feel don't respect me.

 

I think you dislike the people you feel shine a light on the parts of yourself that you dislike. It's not so much that they're disrespecting you, rather that you feel weak because you don't stand up to their disrespect. Certainly, most people would be annoyed if someone was rude to them, but healthy people don't internalize that rudeness. It doesn't change the way they feel about themselves.

 

Even if all he's doing is saying hi how are you? We were sitting in a circle, everyone was staring at us. I felt like I couldn't tell him off in that situation. He sort of laughed at me too which I felt was rude but wasn't sure of how awkward it would be for me to ask him if I missed something funny that happened? Maybe that would have been a good way to call him out on it? I was so pissed I didn't know what to say.

I'm not sure how asking 'how are you' can be condescending. If the tone is implying that he really doesn't care about the answer and is being fake, I would mimic it in my answer and sound falsely sweet when I thank him for asking.

 

It wasn't just that, though. He has a vibe that creeps me out. I have trouble talking to him whenever he tries to converse with me because I just feel so uncomfortable. Whenever I feel that way it's for a good reason.

You don't have to try to make small talk with everyone if you don't want to. Be polite and to the point.

 

I don't know. I think I need to build myself up in other areas. All my life, whenever people look at me they think (know) that I'm a smart person. I don't even do anything to try and make them see it. They just know it. When so many people talk to me like I'm stupid, as they've been doing lately, I don't know how to deal with that. It's like suddenly I'm not the smart person anymore, I'm just somebody to talk down to and laugh at. That hasn't really happened to me before. Maybe I just don't feel smart anymore? It's been a long time since i've done anything academic.

You should know if you are smart. People talking down to you shouldn't change your perception of yourself. I know that lately you've been having trouble thinking quickly and replying, but I think that's panic causing you to freeze. That panic of course stems from your loss of confidence, and the more you freeze up, the more you panic and less confident you feel. It is a vicious cycle and I think you need to think long and hard about how to break it. It shouldn't matter if you're not highly educated, haven't written a book, not the life of the party, or far from a saint, you need to know and accept who you are and not let others define you.

 

I'm not sure. But at this point I would rather be paranoid than continue to act totally naive, trusting people who try to manipulate me or use me or act two-faced with me.

As long as you are not actively ignoring your own instincts and good sense, you should be fine. Honestly, what are you afraid of? What can the people around you manipulate you to do? How can they use you? How will someone's two-facedness affect you? Acknowledging the real consequences can help put your fears into perspective.

[SpiralOut]

I think you dislike the people you feel shine a light on the parts of yourself that you dislike. It's not so much that they're disrespecting you, rather that you feel weak because you don't stand up to their disrespect. Certainly, most people would be annoyed if someone was rude to them, but healthy people don't internalize that rudeness. It doesn't change the way they feel about themselves.

 

Well, yeah. Of course it makes me feel weak. It pisses me off they would choose someone like myself to pick on. They probably do it because they know I'm unlikely to stand up for myself. It makes them cowards. Then I feel angry with myself for being a doormat.

 

I wish I could be that person who people look at and know they'd better not mess with me. I've met women before who give off that vibe. Why can't I give off that vibe?

 

Anyway, I've been going about my week with the determination that I will tell off whoever bothers me. And strangely, nobody has bothered me. One woman who tries to boss me around is leaving me alone. The one who yells was being super nice and polite to me today. WTF??

 

I'm not sure how asking 'how are you' can be condescending. If the tone is implying that he really doesn't care about the answer and is being fake, I would mimic it in my answer and sound falsely sweet when I thank him for asking.

 

He just said it the same way that an adult may say it to a child. I conveyed through the tone of my voice that I didn't like the way he was talking to me. So maybe I did handle the situation okay after all.

 

You don't have to try to make small talk with everyone if you don't want to. Be polite and to the point.

Lol yes I know that. I avoid making small talk with him. But he's not picking up on my body language. I am cordial, but very short and to the point. He seems to get annoyed that he's not getting much response out of me, so instead of leaving me be alone as most people would do he tries harder. And by try harder, I mean says things that make it clear how annoyed he is that I'm not responding the way he wants me to. It feels like he's trying to force conversation out of me. Maybe next time that happens I can excuse myself to use the washroom or something.

 

You should know if you are smart. People talking down to you shouldn't change your perception of yourself. I know that lately you've been having trouble thinking quickly and replying, but I think that's panic causing you to freeze. That panic of course stems from your loss of confidence, and the more you freeze up, the more you panic and less confident you feel. It is a vicious cycle and I think you need to think long and hard about how to break it. It shouldn't matter if you're not highly educated, haven't written a book, not the life of the party, or far from a saint, you need to know and accept who you are and not let others define you.

 

Well yeah I know all of that. Putting it into practice is a whole other story.

 

 

 

Honestly, what are you afraid of? What can the people around you manipulate you to do? How can they use you? How will someone's two-facedness affect you? Acknowledging the real consequences can help put your fears into perspective.

 

Hmm. I am not going to answer that here. Let's just say that manipulative people scare the crap out of me. It is perverted to mess with someone's mind. I hate trusting someone, only to find out they have made a fool out of me.

[Pirouette]

Well, yeah. Of course it makes me feel weak. It pisses me off they would choose someone like myself to pick on. They probably do it because they know I'm unlikely to stand up for myself. It makes them cowards. Then I feel angry with myself for being a doormat.

 

I wish I could be that person who people look at and know they'd better not mess with me. I've met women before who give off that vibe. Why can't I give off that vibe?

 

Anyway, I've been going about my week with the determination that I will tell off whoever bothers me. And strangely, nobody has bothered me. One woman who tries to boss me around is leaving me alone. The one who yells was being super nice and polite to me today. WTF??

 

Why are you surprised? Maybe you are giving out the vibe now?

 

My point is, these kinds of people shouldn't impact you so much. Annoy you maybe, but piss you off, make you doubt yourself and decline social engagements just to avoid them? You give them far too much power, and that stems solely from you and how you see yourself, not from anything that they've done.

He just said it the same way that an adult may say it to a child. I conveyed through the tone of my voice that I didn't like the way he was talking to me. So maybe I did handle the situation okay after all.

 

Honestly, this seems very benign.

 

Hmm. I am not going to answer that here. Let's just say that manipulative people scare the crap out of me. It is perverted to mess with someone's mind. I hate trusting someone, only to find out they have made a fool out of me.

 

See, I don't get this here. Can they manipulate you into committing a crime? Cheat you out of money? Physically abuse you? How much could they possibly humiliate you as an adult?

 

I understand hurt feelings if you find out that someone doesn't care as much about you as you do about them, but that happens and it shouldn't break you. Your fears seem much greater than what the average person would feel and that's weighing you down. And honestly, if you can learn to sharpen and trust your own judgment, you'll rarely run into situations like that.

 

Have you considered therapy?

[SpiralOut]

Why are you surprised? Maybe you are giving out the vibe now?

 

My point is, these kinds of people shouldn't impact you so much. Annoy you maybe, but piss you off, make you doubt yourself and decline social engagements just to avoid them? You give them far too much power, and that stems solely from you and how you see yourself, not from anything that they've done.

 

Maybe I am. We'll see if this lasts. And yes I agree that I give them too much power.

 

 

Honestly, this seems very benign.

 

You think it is very benign for someone to try and force conversation with someone who clearly doesn't want it? I know that to you and to others it may not seem like much, but to me it's very stressful.

 

 

See, I don't get this here. Can they manipulate you into committing a crime? Cheat you out of money? Physically abuse you? How much could they possibly humiliate you as an adult?

 

If I answer this question, are you going to try and tell me why I should not be afraid of people like that? Have you ever dealt with a truly manipulative person? It's not really about what they make you do. It's what they do to you first. If your self-esteem is low they do everything they can to make sure it stays low. If your self-esteem is high or medium, they will work away at you with subtle comments to try and wear you down. If you are a strong person, it won't work on you. With people who aren't as strong, it will work, they get what they want - a broken down person.

 

I see what you're trying to say. But honestly, this is a serious fear for me and I have good reasons to feel that way. I believe this is a healthy fear and not something that will go away just by telling myself that people can't hurt me.

 

I understand hurt feelings if you find out that someone doesn't care as much about you as you do about them, but that happens and it shouldn't break you. Your fears seem much greater than what the average person would feel and that's weighing you down. And honestly, if you can learn to sharpen and trust your own judgment, you'll rarely run into situations like that.

 

It's not about me caring about how much someone cares about me. I never said anything like that. It's about being lied to, tricked and manipulated. It is possible for someone to not care about you, but still leave you alone and not harm you. If people don't like me that is fine so long as they don't bother me.

 

I agree that sharpening/trusting judgement will keep me away from situations like that. However I'm not there yet! You're talking about a time in the future when things will be different. This is now and I'm concerned about how to deal with this now in my current state.

 

Have you considered therapy?

 

I have been through therapy. We both agreed that there were no major issues left to talk about at this time. I think it's important for me to get through this rough patch my own way.

[Pirouette]

You think it is very benign for someone to try and force conversation with someone who clearly doesn't want it? I know that to you and to others it may not seem like much, but to me it's very stressful.

 

Yes, I think it's benign. That's why I said it. It's only conversation, and if that pains you, realize that it's solely your perception. This person isn't committing a cruel and unusual act. You have the right and the ability to say no. It's a big deal only because you feel it is.

 

If I answer this question, are you going to try and tell me why I should not be afraid of people like that? Have you ever dealt with a truly manipulative person? It's not really about what they make you do. It's what they do to you first. If your self-esteem is low they do everything they can to make sure it stays low. If your self-esteem is high or medium, they will work away at you with subtle comments to try and wear you down. If you are a strong person, it won't work on you. With people who aren't as strong, it will work, they get what they want - a broken down person.

 

Yes, I have dealt with manipulative people, and usually it's easy to recognize. Few people are truly that smart and that good an actor that they can fool someone who is vigilant and, yes, has a good understanding of themselves.

 

A truly cruel, manipulative person who actively desires to tear someone down will have plenty of tells, though I have to say in my experience, such a one-dimensional villain out to destroy someone is really rare. Sometimes, people do bad things without truly understanding the why of it and a lot of the time it stems from their own problems and has little to do with you.

 

I see what you're trying to say. But honestly, this is a serious fear for me and I have good reasons to feel that way. I believe this is a healthy fear and not something that will go away just by telling myself that people can't hurt me.

 

I'm afraid I don't see how this fear can support your efforts to gain confidence. If anything, it undermines it when you're constantly second guessing yourself and everyone else around you. You're allowing many parts of your life to be ruled by this fear rather than getting a handle on it.

 

It's not about me caring about how much someone cares about me. I never said anything like that. It's about being lied to, tricked and manipulated.

 

See, I still don't get it. Lied to about what? Tricked and manipulated into doing what? If someone is putting you down, subtle or not, I think you'd know and you could put a stop to it. Other than that hurt and making you feel badly about yourself, I can't think of what else the fear stems from. Especially, if you don't care about them in return.

 

I agree that sharpening/trusting judgement will keep me away from situations like that. However I'm not there yet! You're talking about a time in the future when things will be different. This is now and I'm concerned about how to deal with this now in my current state.

 

I think it's important for me to get through this rough patch my own way.

 

You know your own situation best and what works for you. I think we're diverging in our opinions and experiences now, so I'll wish you good luck on the rest of your journey.

[SpiralOut]

Yes, I think it's benign. That's why I said it. It's only conversation, and if that pains you, realize that it's solely your perception. This person isn't committing a cruel and unusual act. You have the right and the ability to say no. It's a big deal only because you feel it is.

 

Exactly. It's a big deal because I feel it is. That does not make my feelings any less valid. Who exactly gets to decide what's a big deal and what's not? Neither one of us has the authority to say how a situation really is. I am the one who was there when it happened, so I am going by my own opinion. For me, this is my reality and this is how I feel at this moment. If I change my mind, it will be due to whatever actions/words happen between myself and this person.

 

I find it very interesting that you are jumping to his defense without a single word of acknowledgement about how annoying his behaviours are.

 

 

I'm afraid I don't see how this fear can support your efforts to gain confidence. If anything, it undermines it when you're constantly second guessing yourself and everyone else around you. You're allowing many parts of your life to be ruled by this fear rather than getting a handle on it.

 

Well any suggestions anyone has as to how to get a handle on it would be appreciated, aside from telling me to just not be afraid or to go see a therapist.

 

See, I still don't get it. Lied to about what? Tricked and manipulated into doing what? If someone is putting you down, subtle or not, I think you'd know and you could put a stop to it. Other than that hurt and making you feel badly about yourself, I can't think of what else the fear stems from. Especially, if you don't care about them in return.

Why does the fear need to stem from anywhere else? Even if it does, why should I share it on here? So you can pick it apart and tell me what's wrong with me some more?

 

 

You know your own situation best and what works for you. I think we're diverging in our opinions and experiences now, so I'll wish you good luck on the rest of your journey.

 

Yes I do. Thanks.