Regaining confidence

[SpiralOut]

I am now focusing on making new friends.

 

That is a huge source of my insecurity: the fact that I have few friends. In my city, I don't have any at all.

 

I feel stupid for pushing away people in the past who tried to be friends with me. They were people who were nice, that I liked, that I got along with. For some reason I just couldn't do it.

 

So maybe it's a good thing I have taken all this time to improve myself. I am far from perfect. However, I have a much better idea of what my strengths and weaknesses are. I am still getting to know who I am. It's like there is this woman underneath that I'm trying to get to and she's starting to come out. And you know what, she's pretty cool. I can't believe she is me. It scares me.

 

I've given up on dating. I've been choosing all the wrong guys despite my best efforts to pick the right ones. I am very lonely. But I just can't date right now. Not unless I happen to meet a guy by accident and something just sort of happens. That would be okay. But I'm not going to internet date anymore. It's too much work and not worth it.

 

I'm meeting up with some women tomorrow afternoon and I am very nervous. I don't know any of them. This is the best place for me to meet women my age. It's my best bet at making some friends, so I hope I don't mess it up. Wish me luck.

 

ETA: Ha! Just realized that my previous post is ironic. I just DID criticize socially inept people, on here. What I meant is that I don't do it to their faces. I don't go out of my way to try and make them feel bad. Yet I've had to deal with people telling me right to my face "you really aren't good at this are you" (in regards to making conversation). Holy ****!! Talk about the pot calling the kettle black!!

Edited January 6, 2013 by SpiralOut

[SpiralOut]

Just got back from the meetup. I'm so glad that I went.

 

I know that my insecurities were written all over my face. I could have presented myself better. I was very nervous, probably talked too fast, downplayed my good qualities. But it is what it is. The main thing I have always been worried about, when socializing, is that I'll accidentally insult someone, or make them feel uncomfortable. I don't think I did that today. I don't think I'm likely to in the future. A few of the girls seemed to like talking to me, and I liked them too, so that makes me feel good.

 

I'll just have to keep doing stuff like this until my insecurities fade away.

[SpiralOut]

Just found this website and it's very helpful.

 

Introduction to Enneagram

 

There are 9 personality types according to the Enneagram theory. The website has an overview of each type but goes further than that. It shows how each type behaves when normal/functioning, self-actualized, or pathological. Each personality type will tend towards another type when stressed out or feeling secure. For example type 5 (Hermit) will take on characteristics of type 7 (dreamer) when stressed out.

 

It also explains how self-actualization happens for each type. For my type, getting back in touch with emotions, especially fear, is necessary to become self-actualized.

 

Reading this website is also helpful as it explains why some people may act the way they do. I have a bad habit of demonizing people who have wronged me. It helps to see that they aren't feeling well. When I don't feel well, I withdraw from others. When others don't feel well, they try to control, to dominate. I've never understood that.

[SpiralOut]

I am now using specialized skills that I learned from school. I was given the opportunity to do so at work. It makes me feel sooo much better. I've been trying to pretend like my job doesn't matter, but deep down it does. I want to wake up and go do something that not just anybody can do. It helps me to feel valued, to be actually using my education for something.

 

I derive a lot of my self-worth from my intellect and being able to use it. So long as I'm in school or in a job that uses my brain, I feel good. It has been really hard these past few years to suddenly be just another cog in the machine, nobody special, not feeling appreciated or recognized. In fact, many people have spoken to me as if I am stupid. It has been hard to ignore it and not let it get to me. It's not a nice feeling.

 

My problems aren't solved, but this helps.

[SpiralOut]

I'm exhausted. There's always something that I need. I'm tired of always needing something.

 

It's hard not to, though. How can I be content with what I have, when I don't even have any friends in this city.

 

It feels like all my energy goes towards thinking about what I need, planning ways to get what I need, or actually going out there to get something. When I try to stay still and just be content with things as they are, I feel unhappy. I'm not talking just material things. I also mean finding groups to join, or people to date, or teaching myself new hobbies. Everything I do is about making myself a better person, OR trying to find people that I like.

 

There's also this list I have that never ends. And I swear, it's all practical. Like, book a massage therapist appointment. Get a new lamp part to fix the lamp. Update the driver's licence. Etc, etc. There are soooo many things like this to do. Why are there so many??

 

The very act of meeting new people drains me. I need to take long breaks in-between club meetings. The worse a date is, the longer I'll take before trying again. It takes longer to meet people this way, but I can't help it. And so many things haven't worked out so it's like I just exhausted myself for nothing. I'm getting tired.

 

The only place that makes me feel energized is the yoga studio. Too bad I was too sick this week to go. Oh well. At least there is one place to go where I can just be me and not have to try too hard and not feel stressed out and actually feel BETTER afterwards.

[SpiralOut]

I feel like I need to stand still, but I can't. The only option is to keep going and it makes me feel exhausted and scared to do so. Have I hit the point of no return?

 

It feels like a train that takes forever to get going but once it has picked up speed you can't just suddenly stop. I am surprised to see who I am: a vegetarian yoga-practicing pagan bike-riding blogger photographer intelligent independent plant-loving animal-loving woman. I hesititate to call myself this, but I think I might be an environmentalist. I've involved myself with urban gardening by a) actually doing it and b) researching it. I start volunteer orientation this week with an environmental protection organization. What I care about is sustainable agriculture. I've always wished that I could have been raised on a farm like my father and aunt and grandfather and all the generations before them were. I'm proud to have come from a line of farmers. Maybe there IS a way to do farmwork - it just can't be traditional. I want to help educate people about where food comes from and how to grow their own. Our food system is a mess and I want to help fix it.

 

I suspect that I might be an activist.

 

 

!!!!

[SpiralOut]

I need to accept my social awkardness. It is the one thing about myself that I hate the most. It is very hard for me to deal with people who laugh at me about it or put me down for it. And the people who do that are often other people with social awkwardness. They must not feel very good about themselves either, to be pushing me down like that in order to feel superior. I don't think I've ever been insulted like that by someone who has good social skills.

 

In fact this is a huge reason for my depression that I had at age 14, that resulted in a trip to a psychologist. I had no friends that summer, except a few bible kids that I didn't even feel like I fit in with, and I just slept all day long. It was my aunt who helped me by talking to me. She went through something like that when she was younger too.

 

People can be so cruel to those who aren't "up-to-par" socially. Yet I do get befriended quite often by people so it's not like there is anything wrong with ME. I must not seem so awkward as I feel after all? Or maybe most people don't mind it. Maybe I have improved a lot over the years and my confidence just never caught up with me. I know someone who lost a lot of weight and she told me she still felt like she was "fat" (her words okay, not mine!) even though she was skinny.

 

Maybe that is what's happening with me. I still feel like I am that same pathetic kid that I was at age 8. I was bullied pretty badly at that age. It didn't last long, and it never happened again until this past year. I went for nearly 20 years of not being bullied. It shocked me to be bullied this year because I had forgotten what it felt like. So it's not like I'm totally scarred from it, if I couldn't even remember how I felt. But I think I still carried those feelings inside that maybe I'm unworthy or a loser. I know that I'm not, but I sometimes feel like I am. And I've been told by friends that I could probably be more "popular" if I wanted but I never went for it as I never believed it was possible.

 

Another thread on here talks about "imposter syndrome" and I'm wondering if that's what I have. I quite often feel like an imposter. Whenever people think I am pretty or funny I feel really uncomfortable. I feel comfortable being told that I'm smart, but not pretty or witty or funny or even a leader even though I think I am all of those things when I am at my best.

 

Okay this was a really long update. I just needed to get that out of my system. I think that this must be the core of what is wrong with me. Not believing in myself.

Edited January 26, 2013 by SpiralOut

[SpiralOut]

I think I have narrowed down some of my specific problems, as evidenced by some of the new threads I've started. Maybe blathering in here has helped after all.

 

I am taking care of some personal business that has been taking up space on the back burners of my mind. I want it all cleaned out. I took the day off work today to take care of some of these things and I'm feeling much better now.

 

My main concerns right now are

 

1) my finances. At this rate I will never pay off my student loans and I'm tired of living on a budget.

 

2) the negative work environment I am in 40 hours a week. I don't think it's helping my confidence, working around people who talk to me like I'm stupid all the time. And no I am not imagining things. Other people who work there feel the same way. It is extremely negative there.

 

I wish that I could quit right now but I can't until I get another job that pays enough to cover my expenses. The insurance plan is also covering most of my health expenses right now and i'm stressed out about losing them. I have been booking all my appointments and trying to take care of certain things asap so that I will be okay without insurance for a while. I am just stressed that I feel stuck where I am. Just thinking about going back to that place tomorrow makes me feel anxious.

 

I have come to realize I don't want to stay in my current field. This is a relief, as it opens up my options.

 

I think my anxiety about leaving the apartment is better. I am now able to leave the house every day. It used to be hard for me to go next door to buy cream for my coffee. Now I can spend an entire afternoon going to 5+ stores just running errands or going to appointments. I feel very tired afterwards, but oh well. Maybe my energy will pick up even more as I keep doing this.