STDs and relationships

[Dave]

3 months ago I started dating a woman and the first month and a half was incredible until she tested positive for Clamydia. Being that she was not with anyone for 6 months prior and I had being seeing several women prior to her, I was the likely source even though I was not symptomatic. Due to the timeframe involved, she understood that I could have been positive prior to our relationship. We both went on antibiotics for a week. She also needed a follow-up for her pap smear test and this worried her. The following week she was menstruating so we did not have sex and the next two weeks she went to Italy on a religious pilgrimage so by the time she returned it was 4 weeks without sex.

 

My initial thoughts when she got Clamydia were that everything was over but she seemed to understand and I held out the hope that our relationship would survive.

 

After Italy things started to change. She is a very spiritual person and I suspect she may have seen this STD episode as a message from above. In any case, I did not ask her or pressure her for sex knowing that this was the last thing I should do. But things changed...

 

She started to belittle me, the romance faded, she did not keep up her cooking dinner promise, etc. I felt it and tried to talk to her on several occasions but she assured me everything was OK so I just hung in there. By now we had gone around 8 weeks without sex and I was feeling a big loss of intimacy and was withdrawing from the relationship too but still did not want the relationship to fail. We still went out a lot and seemed to have a nice time going out and we still were affectionate but she was not into french kissing at this point.

 

One night during dancing and drinks she told me that she knew I wanted to make love but that she wanted to wait until her next medical checkup and that If I wanted to break up with her, she understood. I was surprised to hear this and assured her that I was there for her.

 

The next week we went to a busy club and she spent most of her time talking to other guys in a flirtatious manner: close body contact, touching arms and hands. A bit too much but I stayed cool. The icing on the cake was a guy she met whom she clearly was excited about. I tried getting her to dance but she was not into it. When I asked her if she was ready to go she said yes but then she had her friend get the guys number and when I questioned her about it she lied about it. She dropped me off at my car and I followed her back to the club where she was obviously going back to meet this guy. My mistake was to call her cell phone and ask her what was going on...she said she wanted to have fun and wanted space.

 

Is this one lost for good?

 

Dave

[Nina]

It's very difficult to deal with STDs in a relationship, especially when you know you contracted it from your partner.

 

What you have to understand about women is that they may say "it's ok." They may even mean it at the time, but women are cyclical. Our moods change with the normal flux of our horomones and we are often more passive than men when it comes to expressing our anger or distrust.

 

STDs aren't a casual thing, and in your partner's mind this may be equal to or worse than infidelity.

 

Her withdrawal of intimacy and closenes is a sign that something is seriously amiss, and although ideally you should have discussed this thoroughly and completely at the time of her diagnoses, there's no use crying over spilt milk.

 

I think initially, if there had been an open discussion where you expressed a sincere desire to hear her honest emotional reations, the relationship might have been salvaged more easily. Since a lot of time has passed without open discussion, I don't know. I did the same thing to an ex of mine and it culminated when, on the phone, he asked me to just come out and say what I felt like. I dumped him on the spot with no regrets.

 

Talk to her. I mean really, don't just sit there and lecture. listen. She'll tell you better than anyone here can.

[Dave]

We did talk about it at the time and she was interested in continuing the relationship.

 

The reason I write about this one is because there is something special about her. She's trully a princess and that's why I find it hard to walk away. We exchanged a few emails afterwards and I told her 100 beautiful things to which she said she had no idea that I cared about her that much. She thanked me and told me she cared about me a lot and that we will remain friends. She apologized for her behaviour the night of the club saying she felt terrible. I have not contacted her since. I hope she misses me but at this point I guess only time will tell.

 

It's very difficult to deal with STDs in a relationship, especially when you know you contracted it from your partner. What you have to understand about women is that they may say "it's ok." They may even mean it at the time, but women are cyclical. Our moods change with the normal flux of our horomones and we are often more passive than men when it comes to expressing our anger or distrust. STDs aren't a casual thing, and in your partner's mind this may be equal to or worse than infidelity.

 

Her withdrawal of intimacy and closenes is a sign that something is seriously amiss, and although ideally you should have discussed this thoroughly and completely at the time of her diagnoses, there's no use crying over spilt milk. I think initially, if there had been an open discussion where you expressed a sincere desire to hear her honest emotional reations, the relationship might have been salvaged more easily. Since a lot of time has passed without open discussion, I don't know. I did the same thing to an ex of mine and it culminated when, on the phone, he asked me to just come out and say what I felt like. I dumped him on the spot with no regrets.

 

Talk to her. I mean really, don't just sit there and lecture. listen. She'll tell you better than anyone here can.