flow15 Posted January 22, 2012 Share Posted January 22, 2012 I know most people on here will tell me that I can't get closure of the ex, that it comes from within.. But I have this horrible feeling inside, I feel stuck like I can't move on at all, and have been feeling this way since my last contact with the ex and really feel like I need to talk to him again. Basically he contacted me to apologise for everything he did a few weeks ago, it led to a conversation we had about our relationship briefly... the thing is I didn't get the answers I needed from that conversation, and since we spoke I haven't been able to stop thinking about it! What happened was that we started seeing eachother again after he broke up with me, but he started acting all distant...and I began to feel like he was using me for sex. then he just disappeared. In our conversation the other day he explained he couldn't see what he was doing was hurting me at the time, and he apologised.. but he never explained why he disappeared in the end. I feel like i need to ask him what happened as I'm having trouble trying to understand... Do you think it would be ok for me to ask him? Link to post Share on other sites
smudge21 Posted January 23, 2012 Share Posted January 23, 2012 It's not answers you're really after here, as I think you said everything right there. He simply acted strange, treated you badly, and because you still have feelings you find it very hard to accept that this guy could ever be bad or do something like this. That's what happens when we want closure - we're looking for reasons as to why an ex acted out of character, but in reality it's not out of character, it's just that we build them up to be something they aren't. We see them as perfect people and it hurts so much when they act differently, so instead of simply accepting it's them that are at fault, we look for reasons and answers... but there never really is any. If you make contact, you may get some questions answered, but this will lead to more and you won't be able to just step away as you'll always want to know. Basically, you'll be using this whole closure thing as an excuse to stay in contact. I know, I do it myself. The closure has to come here and now where you tell yourself that he screwed up, made all the mistakes and he's no longer worthy of your attention. Now is the time to cut all contact and move on. I know that's so hard to do when you still have such strong feelings and feel so connected to someone, but unless you make that move, you'll be stuck here for a long time - wanting answers to questions that only exist in your mind. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted January 23, 2012 Share Posted January 23, 2012 ...True all of dat...... Take note. Link to post Share on other sites
Exit Posted January 23, 2012 Share Posted January 23, 2012 When you're in love with someone and they choose to leave, no explanation will be satisfying enough. It's the old "trying to fit a square peg into a round hole" routine. We convince ourselves there must be SOME explanation out there that won't cause us pain, that will tie up all the loose ends nicely and give us a sense of peace. But there is simply no way to sugarcoat the fact that someone we love doesn't feel the same way, there is no way to make it sound good, regardless of the explanation. If he had any good explanation, you would have gotten it in the conversation you already had with him. He gave you as much information as you're going to get, he was staying in contact with you but didn't realize it was hurting you. It may be hard to understand this. We all go through the stage where we are just so convinced that if we ask 1 or 2 more questions, it will all make sense. But it won't... The only answer that really matters is that they do not love you like you love them. Whatever explanation they give you, "I'm stressed out, it's just not a good time, my feelings changed, there's too much going on, I don't think we can fix our problems", in the end, they all translate to "I don't love you enough to want to share an intimate relationship with you". That's your answer. It's a painful one, and it's why we try to deny it and don't want to accept it. But we need to. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted January 23, 2012 Share Posted January 23, 2012 Two great posts, one after the other... you're a lucky girl.... this is all you really need to know, understand, absorb and accept. Go with these - and you won't go wrong..... Link to post Share on other sites
Author flow15 Posted January 23, 2012 Author Share Posted January 23, 2012 Thank you so much, yes they are very good posts... I just have to take it all in and accept it. I think acceptance is the toughest stage of all, its so easy to be mad at them, and upset at them.. but when the anger goes and you have to accept that they don't want to be with you.... its tough I think I find it so hard to accept because he always came back, always.... I guess I'm just waiting for him to come back again, I find it soo hard to believe that he doesn't love me or want to be with me anymore. I just kept telling myself it was the relationship he doesnt want to be in, that it isnt me. But it IS me. Cos if he wanted me, he wouldn't care about being 'in a relationship'.... Link to post Share on other sites
smudge21 Posted January 23, 2012 Share Posted January 23, 2012 Acceptance is the hardest part of moving on. Accepting that it's over. Accepting that the person you loved is no longer the person they are. Accepting that you've spent so much time only to end like this. It's all so hard that so many of us will grasp for any signs from the ex in order to avoid that acceptance, but by doing so, we only prolong the pain. I wish you luck as it's not an easy journey you're heading on, and occasionally you will fall. It happens to us all. Take care. Link to post Share on other sites
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