What's it like to be married to a Bipolar person?

[RecordProducer]

I read somebody's thread about a bipolar partner and it suddenly occurred to me that maybe my ex-husband is bipolar, too. The reasons why I think this may be the case are:

 

• He easily changed his mind, his moods, his plans, his love for me
  
• He was passive-aggressive and liked to make me feel like he doesn't care about me
  
• He refused to go to counseling
  
• He had many relationships and three short marriages
  
• He told me he diagnosed his ex-wife as bipolar and they went to counseling - and the counselor told him "I think she's bipolar, she needs to come see me, but not you anymore" - sounds fishy to me (maybe the counselor told HIM he was bipolar, too)
  
• He had a very strict mother who neglected and abused him and his brother physically, verbally and emotionally
  
• He acts super-sweet at times and at other times he is cold-hearted and mentally/emotionally abusive
  
• He withdraws when you show him love but likes it - and he withdraws even more when you express resentment toward him
  
• He hides his feelings but admits he has anger issues (and yet rarely shows anger overtly)
  
• He has commitment problems and acts like he doesn't know what he wants
  
• He is obsessed with being right and proper
  
• He needs attention and company all the time
  
• He is prone to depressive moods but pretends that he is at peace with himself
  
• He thinks that showing love makes him vulnerable (e.g. when I would tell him "You love me" he would get very defensive and start zealously persuading me he that doesn't love me)
  
• His hands are shaking sometimes (quite often)
  
• He rocks in his sleep when he is stressed out (but it's nothing sexual; he said he's been doing it since childhood)
  
• He has a hard time being himself: he has created an image that he tries to stick with and is very uneasy about talking about himself or his life or God forbid, his failures
  
• He constantly has the need to take care of underdogs
  

I think it's possible that he has some mental disorder but since he is extremely smart, he knows how to hide it. He doesn't drink or do drugs (maybe 3 glasses of wine per year). The biggest rreason is because of his mood swings and frequent changes of feelings. He is very unstable but always accused me of being unstable. When we were together, I was always hurt by his actions but maybe I should have recognized that something's wrong sooner and helped him. I don't think he'shappy and I feel sorry for him, despite of all the pain he's caused me.

 

Any thoughts? Thanks.

[dreamingoftigers]

I think that my husband has a VERY serious problem as well. A lot of those symptoms sound the same.

 

For instance: we've been getting along quite well over the last two months. I was in a bad mood on Friday over him leaving and I cut him down a bit (yes I know I should not have done that, okay). Anyways, he has completely disappeared and refused to answer ANY of my calls, text message or email. This was after two months of hardcore trying to reconcile.

 

He will disappear for up to a month at a time and then just expect me to be fine with things. (I.e. Last time after he trashed our place and went for a month, he expected me to go on a trip with him to visit our in-laws. Right off the bat. I hadn't even seen him since trashing the place!)

 

Now he even resents me for not going. Then tells me he isn't going to "wait around" for me to "come back or not come back" because he has a "life to live."

 

Bought a car and didn't even tell me until afterwards.

 

Geez I am an idiot for trying so hard. I really am. I gotta get a better hobby, like trying to save Ethiopia or something.

[RecordProducer]

He will disappear for up to a month at a time and then just expect me to be fine with things. (I.e. Last time after he trashed our place and went for a month, he expected me to go on a trip with him to visit our in-laws. Right off the bat. I hadn't even seen him since trashing the place!)

Mine also expected me to be fine with everything he did. Also, he'd tell me he doesn't want me and then expect me to go on a trip with him - then get mad at me for years for not going and changing my mind. He wanted me when I didn't want him and vice versa.

[RecordProducer]

No, I don't he's bipolar. I just read again about the illness and it doesn't fit. His moods fluctuate between normal, fake normal, and depressed. But I came across an article about abusive men and THAT description totally fits him. He's not physically abusive, though. And he had subtle ways to exercise his possessiveness: e.g. he would not take me dancingor introduce me to too many friends; he kept me at home and whenever I left the house to goto the grocery store, he'dask me "when are you going to be back?" And when I would say I didn't know, whenever I'd be done shopping for groceries, he'd insist that I tell him when. But, he always hid his jealousy. He's definitely a control freak. I think he used emotional abuse in lieu of beating me with a fist. But, still I could've helped him overcome those issues.

[dreamingoftigers]

I actually find my husband to alternate between passive-aggressive and aggressive. I think he is also extremely emotionally abusive. I also don't think that there is anything _I_ can do to help him through those issues.

 

Quite frankly the more I read about neural wiring in the early years.... Some people are just screwed and without major brain and therapeutic overhauls... There isn't much hope.

 

I realize now I cannot repeat this cycle. It isn't worth living through again. He has to go to the brain clinic and get some serious EFT/EMDR done and not "for the sake of our marriage." just for the sake of having the hope of a normal life. Something relationally just doesn't click right upstairs and he has a hard hard time forming attachments to others and maintaining them. Unfortunately for me, I am the exact opposite. I even have someone living with me rent-free (with her boyfriend and her two kids). The state of the house is terrible and her dog pees on the floor all the time. Ugh. She has been cleared to work full-time but is just sponging. I still cannot get the guts up to say "at least get a job or panhandle or something to go and get your own place."

 

Ugh. I wish I had less compassion. I get addicted to trying to help people, it's like it's the only way I can connect with them. So unhealthy.

[RecordProducer]

I realize now I cannot repeat this cycle. It isn't worth living through again.

If you love him, he is worth trying to help him. I am sure he doesn't want to be that way.

 

 

Ugh. I wish I had less compassion. I get addicted to trying to help people, it's like it's the only way I can connect with them. So unhealthy.

You're a "trash collector"? You like fixer uppers?

[dreamingoftigers]

I've been trying for three years.

 

I've lost everything else in my life (including dignity) to help him and nothing has changed, it has gotten worse. Every time it seems like things are looking up, he does crap like this.

 

I can't do the smallest thing out of line or I am no longer worth acknowledging. I realize that a lot of this stems from shame and poor early attachments. But truly, I think he has almost no idea how he feels about me after 6 years and a child together. I try so so so hard.

 

Check my threads out. Ugh. People are ready to hit me with frying pans to get me to leave the guy. And really I have held out for this fantasy of us becoming a well-adjusted nuclear family. But it is just that.... A fantasy. It has been three years of Hell and two years since finding out about his sexual addiction and it just isn't going anywhere.

 

I was alone six months out of the last year. We haven't lived together properly in about a year.

[RecordProducer]

But truly, I think he has almost no idea how he feels about me after 6 years and a child together.

Hm... that's because

I try so so so hard.

Stop trying. Don't leave (yet), just stop trying. Turn to yourself and focus on your own life. Be happy and act happy. He may start trying hard to conquer your love then.

[betterdeal]

dreamingoftigers, you may well be treating him the way you'd like to be treated, but you're not treating him the way you'd like to be treated if you were doing what he is doing. His stroppy toddler routine must be boring you by now?

[dreamingoftigers]

Been there, done that. It holds his attention for awhile.

 

Truth be told it is pretty hard to "act happy" when someone does not have the maturity to consider your existence on a regular basis. It's like he will work hard to reconquer my love (as it were), but as soon as it seems he may very well have it, he throws it away with both hands. Or as soon as sex comes up, either/or.

 

It has gotten pretty old. I think it must serve a dual purpose like: see I'm an *******, unworthy to be loved. And "ha ha gotcha to care again." some weird inner-child demon like that. Constantly wants his hand in the cookie jar but be loved and accepted anyways.

 

Eventually one would figure that the other would outgrow that, but it's entirely possible it is the only narrow band he has to relate to someone.

 

I think also he sees things (Esp. Relational things as largely out of his control). To be honest, in this relationship, it feels like that for me too. I just get so overwhelmed by the madness and inconsistency that I just break down. I have only gone out once all weekend. On the bright side I lost 8 pounds from not eating.

 

This time hit ms much worse then most. I don't know exactly why.

[betterdeal]

People with poor boundaries constantly want what they can't have. Give it to them and they throw it away. Too close. Too real. Doesn't fill the void. Not what they thought it would be. Not good enough. Not real enough. Not the answer. Ooh, look, butterfly! I like monkeys. No I didn't. Why are you so mean to me? Is this it? Why can't I have a pony with a pink mane that craps rainbows? Why does nobody understand? I could have been someone! Boobies.

 

Why has it hit you so hard this time? Vitamin deficiency? Winter blues? Cod liver oil is good for Vitamin D. Why not take in a slightly less tiresome lodger? One that pays rent? Or tell the current one what needs to change for them to stay? Change the locks and give your hubby time with the kid but not access to the house?

[dreamingoftigers]

The lodger is an old friend of mine. But she is a constant freeloader. Not just with me. (hoo boy, ever not just with me). Truth be told, I want to evict everyone out of that whole social dynamic directly from mummify and it has been happening one by one with better boundaries. She's the last of the bunch.

 

And probably the biggest challenge. She is a victim to herself and reminds me terribly much of my mother. I have today said that she needs to keep the upstairs much much cleaner. (I gave up the whole upstairs to her, :facepalm:) she needs to clean up after her two kids and her dog, which likes to pee on my floor. More importantly she needs to watch them. Her three year old wandered outside by himself yesterday because she was napping from partying too late the night before. As well, this arrangement was supposed to be do that she could get herself back on her feet and get her own place. I cannot parent her. And she isn't moving at all quick to move either. Bit she will have to. I cannot afford to risk living this way for personal reasons.

 

As for husband, my boundaries with him are mush. I really need to work in that too. He should have been voted off the island with no immunity a long time ago. For some reason I can't protect myself very well. But if I think of it in terms of protecting my daughter, I can go miles. I often think of him as "my husband" and "the father of my child." but the truth is: these are just titles and not roles very very often. He does not consistently treat me like his wife and then continues to have ridiculously high expectations of me.

 

I think it's a total form of narcissism. Revealing it that way helps. One step at a time though. First the boarder/"friend." Then onward and upward. The strangest thing is I do so much better without either one in my life, except I get really lonely.

 

I am not entirely sure how to cultivate positive friendships and relationships, which is why I end up back with them and no real sense of having gotten anywhere.

 

I think there is also a sickly addictive quality to H's and my relationship. I think it exists for him too. Something keeps drawing us back but it isn't the butterflies and hearts and stars. I think it may be something really sicky like we remind each other of our opposite gender parent and we both want that acceptance/approval. I have a lot of the same rejection feelings I get from my Dad with my husband. A lot of the cold shoulder and yelling/insult stuff too. Pretty unreal actually. Out of 3 billion men, what are the odds.

 

Truth be told I am quite frightened that I will never have a truly positive relationship/connection in my entire life. Especially if I keep boldly looking for one. Ugh.

 

I turn 30 this year. I thought I would be doing much much better.

[dreamingoftigers]

Oh yeah, it's hitting harder this time because of the financial demands on me and stuff happening with my daughter.

 

I am so sorry about the huge t/j.

 

But I guess this is what it is like to be married to be married to someone mentally Ill.

[betterdeal]

Stop. Hammer time.

 

Your fear of being lonely is what's stopping you. Get these two people out of your head, and go and meet some happy clappy types. Be they the milder, yoghurt weaving form of Christian or new age spiritual but not religious types. You will almost certainly not click with them, but they are healthier people to be around whilst you transition from dependency on the old crew, to being a new, independent you.

 

Later, when you feel it's right, you can meet the old crew and you'll think "okay, fun, but not for me, I can do without the drama." and you'll instinctively keep a safe distance, emotionally.

 

That brain chemistry you read about? What affects that most is trauma and diet. Remove the traumas and eat well. Or, in other words, create a calmer world for yourself and your daughter. It will take time, you will feel weird, bored, impulsive, but you will change for the better.

 

You'll be weaker for a bit. But you'll become stronger eventually. If it helps, remember all this stuff is being soaked up by your daughter. What you put in you're going to get out, with interest.

[dreamingoftigers]

As well, I recently tried to do a major diet overhaul.

 

I don't think it is an overall "fear" of loneliness anymore. I used to be terrified of that. But them I ended up alone for awhile and after the abandonment crap got adjusted to: I was fine. In fact, serene, even happy and them started to accomplish things.

 

But maybe the old instincts are kicking in.

 

I remember during that time being nervous that if I keeled over that no one would find me in time. Actually with the lodger now, I think she wouldn't bother until the stink got pretty bad. LOL.

 

What's weird is that I actually DO know healthy People come to think of it. My best friend is the most responsible, well-adjusted person I have ever met. Good family etc. I have other friends from church.

 

I think the reason I don't draw these people closer is that they would see I am kind of inferior to them, and their lives are way more stable then mine. Insecurity I guess. So by not accepting myself and expecting better for me, I just stay stuck in this cycle.

 

Thanks Better Deal. I see it goes back to me and my expectations instead of just my circumstances.

[betterdeal]

Keep nurturing that self-confidence. Raise your own expectations and see the glass half full. It's the way you'll change your circumstances.

 

Hang out with the healthy people more often; emotionally detach from the trouble makers.

 

When I go for a drink with my old crew these days, I get drunk, but I leave early. They roll onto the late night dive and get blind drunk. I can't stand blacked out people, and I've had my fill anyway. Took a little while for them to get used to it, but they do, and I get on better with them now that I do what I want to do, not what they are doing.

[skywriter]

People with poor boundaries constantly want what they can't have. Give it to them and they throw it away. Too close. Too real. Doesn't fill the void. Not what they thought it would be. Not good enough. Not real enough. Not the answer. Ooh, look, butterfly! I like monkeys. No I didn't. Why are you so mean to me? Is this it? Why can't I have a pony with a pink mane that craps rainbows? Why does nobody understand? I could have been someone! Boobies.

 

Why has it hit you so hard this time? Vitamin deficiency? Winter blues? Cod liver oil is good for Vitamin D. Why not take in a slightly less tiresome lodger? One that pays rent? Or tell the current one what needs to change for them to stay? Change the locks and give your hubby time with the kid but not access to the house?

 

That is some funny sh*t, Betterdeal, and it's sooooo true!

 

Aha! Your locations got me singing, George Harrison!

 

OOOpsie! on the t/j

[carhill]

'Second husband' to a diagnosed and medicated bipolar 2 patient.

 

Some examples from over the last 20 years...

 

During the hypermania periods-

 

Flashes her naked body at me while her H is in the shower

Inappropriate sexual contact and language, which disappears once this period is over.

Can't sleep- racing thoughts - staccato language where the listener can't get a word in

Grandiose ideas and plans which never materialize

 

During the depressive periods-

Everyone walks on eggshells - I could say 'the sky is blue' and she'll go off on me

She laughed in my face after my mother died and opined 'now you know what it feels like', adding 'now I know why <my exW> divorced you'.

More recently, she went off on me for asking for her stepdaughter's address so I could send out a Christmas card.

 

Later, apparently back on her meds or in 'remission', she gives me a nice Christmas present. TBH, I'm unsure how to react, beyond of course saying 'thank you'.

 

There is no reasonable or rational explanation for the behavioral sets. They come out of the blue, literally.

 

I know more since I've known her H for 20+ years but I respect their privacy and only share what has happened directly to me. Having cared for a paraphrenic for eight years, I saw a lot of commonalities, with the marked exception being delusions and hallucinations, which aren't a hallmark of BP1/2.

 

ETA that my exW always said that 'she gives me a knot in the pit of my stomach' and generally limited her contact.

Edited January 23, 2012 by carhill

[dreamingoftigers]

Actually I do have something more on-topic to contribute to the thread.

 

I once dated someone with bipolar.

 

It was craziness. But I was quite young so it was fun at the time.

 

He pursued me very brazenly and he would just throw down tons and tons of money on me. We would go out every night random places all over. I never knew what we were doing next.

 

Then it became problematic. He began to be paranoid. One day I went over to his place and his mother informed me about it. Of course I had no idea what bipolar was. I just knew that sometimes he could spend DAYS in the washroom. He would run to the fridge to grab food and then run back in.

 

Both he and his twin brother had it. I have known the family now for about 10 years. At one point his twin brother went off his mess and stole his sister's car and wrecked it. Then when asked about it, he said "oh well, she can get another one." At another instance he tried crossing the border into the states without proper ID etc. They sent him back and so he went to a hotel room, shaved his head and put a ton of fake tanner on (he looked

orange when I later saw him in hospital). He then tried to cross the border on foot and was detained and hospitalized until they could get him evened out again.

 

Last year he called me to move in with ms because his roommates were conspiring against him. Not surprisingly he was committed again by his brother (my ex).

 

As for what happened to me and the original brother, one day he just stopped calling. I took the hint and later found out he had been committed

to hospital by his mother after another lock himself in the bathroom escapade.

 

The two brothers both had a lot of sexual confusion as well. Both now identify as gay. The ex even came to my wedding. They are both perfectly nice, articulate, responsible and surprisingly smart men when they are on proper meds. Otherwise, ugh. What a mess.

 

The ex is now stable enough to work at the Courthouse Library here, doing quite well for himself. A far cry from the night (a couple years after we

dated) when he walked into my place after having died his hair blue, painting his nails and flipping on our tv and starting to dance to the music..... At 2:00 am.

 

I Tried to talk him into leaving (I knew he was harmless, just manic again). But he insisted it was time to have fun etc. So I called his parents who had been looking for him and his father came over.

 

Somewhat used to outbursts like this from his boys, I thought he might

have some magic words to deal with him. Funnily enough, he simply, quietly dragged his boy who was about a foot shorter then him right out the house in a headlock, in under three seconds I swear.

 

His father was my personal injury lawyer a couple years after that and recently just settled another case for a friend of mine.

 

It's all true. No exaggeration. And there were many more instances.

 

Now my h doesn't sound manic to me anymore.

Edited January 24, 2012 by dreamingoftigers

[KathyM]

I think the term bipolar is overused way too often, and has become a catch-all phrase. True Bipolar Disorder is characterized by racing thoughts, delusions of grandure, risk taking, aggressiveness, irritability, and rapid speach when in the manic stage. The depressive stage is characterized by wanting to sleep all the time, sadness, lack of appetite, lack of interest in life. One can be either manic or depressive and never experience the other side, or one can switch between manic and depressive frequently. A person has to have at least five of these symptoms to be considered bipolar. At least five of the manic symptoms, or at least five of the depressed symptoms. There are so many other types of disorders and illnesses that the symptoms described by the OP could be. I know a man who has Bipolar Disorder. He's a very happily married man with a wife, a good marriage, an excellent job, and a lot of good friends. He takes his medication and is perfectly fine.

[betterdeal]

dot wins, with carhill a very respectable and close second.

[dreamingoftigers]

When the twins are on their meds, they are fine as well. Took a bit to find the right balance though.

 

I only dated the guy. I didn't really get to come "in first."

[carhill]

Step-brother (same father, different mothers) of prior example is also medicated bi-polar. I've worked with him on a couple of our real estate projects. Frankly, he's scary. I've never carried a weapon on my person before working with him. He has this wild look in his eyes. Can pound back a case of beer in 30 minutes. Watched him literally fondling my friend's daughter in front of her husband. Totally fearless when manic. Hits all the bullet points on KathyM's list. Can sleep, literally, for days and then be up the same. Fired from his job as a prison guard in the Nevada State prison system. Now driving long-haul big rigs and coming to a town near you. Very charismatic, approaching sociopathic, in behavior. Managed to stay alive for 50+ years. How, I don't know.

[carhill]

Every person has their own triggers of attraction. People with genuine mental illness aren't all ogres stuffed away in an institution. You might be surprised by who amongst us suffers from varying types and degrees of such maladies. They can be incredibly charismatic and convincing. The movie 'A Beautiful Mind' outlined the life of one, a brilliant man, who happened to be schizophrenic, as an example.

 

The man in my example is extremely intelligent as well as being street smart. He's been married, has an adult son and can probably hold his own pretty much anywhere. It's just really hard to have any sort of a healthy relationship with him due to his mental illness but I've watched him literally romance the panties off of women. Women seem attracted to his 'tortured soul'.

 

Having cared for a mentally ill person, I know how people generally scatter once the 'bad' behaviors are out there. Heck, my own wife scattered in our case. People don't want anything to do with them once the 'other' side is known and experienced. Some, fortunately, respond to medication and/or therapy. KathyM gave an example of one. Others... sadly, it becomes a prison of the mind. If one is married (or is caregiving, as I was) to that prison, it often becomes crazy by proxy.

[dreamingoftigers]

I have been experiencing crazy-by-proxy for years now but only lately has it seriously begun to impact me in a way where the stress is pushing me towards crazy. So that's my cut-off line.

 

My standard hierarchy is sanity before children and children before marriage. I have to pick my own sanity first or no one wins. My marriage is too crazy-making at this point, so out the door it needs to go, at this point anyhow.