stillcrushed Posted June 2, 2004 Share Posted June 2, 2004 I just discovered this forum tonight and spent the last 2 hours reading. I wish I had discovered this a year ago; would've made my life more bearable. A year ago she broke off with me. I was devastated. I was so in love with her I used to stay up all night just watching her asleep. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. She was my first and someone I had dreamed of for 6 years before we finally got together (very long distance). I don't know why she left me; probably she didn't think I was good enough for her. She said we were too different, but I knew it was just an excuse. I was crushed. I tried to get her to change her mind for about 3 months with lots of heartfelt emails. In retrospect all that just pushed her further away (like I said she was my first and I had no clue how to handle things). 6 months ago I went to her city to see some friends. She at first agreed to see me, but when I got there refused to meet. I got very upset and angry, wrote her a 10 page letter and left. So 4 more months went by without any contact. I alternated between depression and anger. I even got a job offer in her city. But I gradually got better and started moving on. Then last month she IM'ed me. We talked about some mandane stuff, then she tried to explain why she didn't contact me for those 4 months (she wanted a "visible break"). I didn't know what to say so I ignored her. And today she IM'ed me again. I still don't know what to say. I still love her, and I still think of her every day. I don't want to ignore her forever. Maybe deep down I want to get back together. But what do I say if she brings up what happened??? Link to post Share on other sites
quasimoto Posted June 2, 2004 Share Posted June 2, 2004 first, you have to think that the topic of your breakup is not going to come up. you're assuming that it will, and it may not-you don't know for sure. the best course of action is to read that no contact thread that's floating around here-good advice in there. per the guide, just be polite, delay a day or so before you page back. if she texts again, wait a little longer than the last time, keep your game face on and politely respond. you have to stand firm and let her figure it out, if there is anything to figure out at all. i hope it works your way. Link to post Share on other sites
quasimoto Posted June 2, 2004 Share Posted June 2, 2004 i'll add one more thing-in the case that she does start talking about your breakup: i'm kind of in the same boat that you are-that is, if my other tried to contact me to talk about it, i dunno what i would say. but, i'd probably have no compunctions about politely putting it off, and if you're not emotionally prepared to talk then it's ok to say i think...maybe along the lines of i'd like to talk but pretty busy now...will get back to you soon. it gives you time to think about how you feel & leaves the ball in your court and gives you a little bit of power-you don't have to relinquish your feelings to her if you don't want to either. Link to post Share on other sites
stillcrushed Posted June 3, 2004 Share Posted June 3, 2004 The last three times she IM'ed, she always ended up trying to explain her actions. I know she felt guilty and maybe she wanted me to absolve her of the guilt. Each time I ended the IM by not responding. I just didn't know what to say. I want her to know how much she hurt me, but I don't want to appear whiny or angry. Should I just not contact her at all? Btw, the 1st anniversary of our breakup is coming in a couple weeks. That's probably why she's IM'ing me now, after 4 months of nothing. This probably also means she has no intention of wanting to get back together, no? Link to post Share on other sites
quasimoto Posted June 3, 2004 Share Posted June 3, 2004 you still have feelings for her, and that's cool. but you have to ask yourself what you want the ultimate outcome to be-what do you want to happen with her and you? are you wanting to be with her again, are you holding onto old feelings because you can't let go, are wanting to verbally wail on her...only you know that. again, read the no-contact thread (check on this forum or the 'breaking up' forum), specifically the part about dealing with when the ex contacts you. i think in a way you have to be willing to put it behind you and let go of the past, even if you wanted to try to move into a better place with your ex. your inner resolution of the situation adds a lot of strength to whatever position you decide to take. for me, my other and i broke up about a month and a half ago, but at this point i can see why she did and i guess i'm alright with what happened. it doesn't mean that i don't miss her, wish we were still friends or want to be with her, but that's how this "being apart" thing works. i believe right now isn't the right time for either of us. i forgive her for breaking up with me because i know that she has stuff in her life that needs to be resolved, much as i do too. and that's how i've rationalized it. she's not a horrible person-in fact she's a really beautiful person who has some present day problems with our relationship. we may never work it out, but it doesn't mean that i'm not entitled to think she's a great girl. Link to post Share on other sites
stillcrushed Posted June 3, 2004 Share Posted June 3, 2004 thanks. I guess I'm still holding on to old feelings. I really should let go, shouldn't I? Link to post Share on other sites
quasimoto Posted June 4, 2004 Share Posted June 4, 2004 truly only you know if you're holding on to something. if you are, you have to let go of the bitterness or resentment, or the hurt, whatever it is you're feeling that's blocking your ability to move on. you're entitled to forgive her and even more importantly yourself, but truthfully you have to find it within yourself to do so-you have to get to the point where you say, 'f*** this-i don't want to feel this way anymore.' it takes time, so be patient with yourself. you have to think that on some level, something wasn't right for you or her. i'm sure you've racked your brain trying to figure it out-'was it me, was it her?' but it takes two of you. do your best to learn something from it and grow from it. we're all humans, we have foibles and faults and we have to understand our imperfections as well as others. and when you get past that, you'll probably be ready enough for your next experience, maybe with her or maybe with someone better...the world's a big place and love is mysterious. good luck on your journey Link to post Share on other sites
stillcrushed Posted June 6, 2004 Share Posted June 6, 2004 I know we can't get back together. I can't trust her anymore after what she's put me through. But somehow I can't get her out of my mind. It's been a year now. I haven't dated anyone even though I knew a girl who likes me. Maybe I loved her too much, maybe hope does springs eternal, whether you want it or not. Link to post Share on other sites
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