Really long REALLY DRAMATIC

[RonChalant]

So this is my first post in about a month and a half and I am in a much better place than I was then...here's a short run through of my situation...starting with what lead to our breakup...

 

WARNING THIS IS REALLY REALLY LONG AND REALLY REALLY DRAMATIC

 

Technically we have been broken up since 4/2010 when she left me because she said there was no longer a spark. I find out later that she started talking to a guy she broke up with me for a year earlier. I find a letter she wrote him saying how he had been special to her ever since the first time they had talked a year before, how she felt tingles every time he kissed her, about how she never really enjoyed sex when she was with me but it was different with him (I'm really good at sex, she told me this year that it has always hurt to have sex with me because of my size...about 8inches, and that when she was younger she could take it a bit better but since talking to him who has a smaller d!Ck she enjoys small ones...he's apparently got a 4inch d!ck and that makes me feel like *****...who gets beat by the guy with the smaller d!ck...but I digress), long story short she is saying all this super sweet stuff to this guy and I was destroyed. She tells me she doesn't see things working out. Dispite this I still chased her...3 months later (the same amount of time it lasted the 1st time) she tells me that he's boring as hell and they have nothing in common so she doesn't like him anymore. I take her back but we never officially become gf and bf. We go to the Bahamas, come home and everything is pretty good. Sex gets better even though at this point I still don't know about her thinking my d!ck is "to big".

 

Time passes by and they start talking again, this time she tells me about everything that is going on and I feel that I can trust her. She tells me how he says this and that but she doesn't like him like that anymore. Because she's telling me all this I have no issue with them being friends...BIG MISTAKE.

 

From Dec 2010 - Sept 2011 this "friendship" goes on and everything seems cool. She ask if she can go to the zoo with him and I say yes, she asked another time if he could go to the movies with him, I say yes...because she's asking I feel that hey I've got nothing to worry about because if something was going on she wouldn't ask, she'd just go...august things start to change. She stops having sex with me as much, stops coming on to me, starts ignoring me. I tried to hug her one day and she literally turned around and pushed me off of her as hard as she could...I was hurt...things kept going downhill. Eventually I start a texting relationship with a girl I met at the club about a year before but was just on my Facebook. I was using her for attention because I wasn't getting it. Ex finds my phone and goes through my text, finds the convos between the girl and I and gets all pissy. I tell her look, I haven't gotten any attention from you in over 2.5 months and she was just someone that I used to help me feel better about it...it was true (even though I did have sex with her omce which she doesn't know about). She apologizes and tells me she had been under a lot of stress which was true...she had lost her job, money was always tight, we had to steal food on a daily basis in order to eat because I couldn't work because I was in school full time and the job market in my area is pretty *****ty unless you have a degree so I was going the the store nightly stealing food in order for us to eat for a good 3 months.

 

A few days after our 7 year anniversary (which we didnt have sex on and she BARELY gave me a single kiss the entire day) we are at her parents house alone and she disappears for a good 10min...I go to find her and I hear her in the attic on the phone. I go into a room that connects to the attic and listen to her conversation...she's on the phone with him and she say "ok baby well I gotta go but do I get to see you tomorrow" (we only say each other thurs-Sunday because I go to school an hour away). Needless to say I WENT OFF! She says it was only because of what I had done with the other girl (mind you she didn't know we had sex) and that it was nothing serious...so I grabbed her phone from her and tried to go through her text...this caused a wrestling match between the 2 of us that lasted for about 10min and when I tell you we were BATTLING...god dammit we were battling. Obviously I didn't hit her even though she punched me in my face a few times...I would never her her which is why I say it was a wrestling match to try and get the phone. She's VERY strong willed (and a redheaded Scorpio which means she's CRAZY) I finally get the phone and manage to lock her in a bathroom (in retrospect it sounds kinda funny lol) and I call dude and tell him to BACK THE **** OFF. She apparently climbed out the window and came around to try to get to me before I called him...obviously was to late. When she finds out I called him she DROPS TO HER KNESS crying "he's gone he's gone...I can't believe he's gone". This crushes me...then I realize she's put a pretty decent cut on my abdomen from when she clawed me during our tussle...all this combined pisses me off to the point where I say **** IT IM DONE WITH YOU! (lol all this at her parents house)

 

The ride home is a quiet one until I break the silence and say WHAT HAS GONE ON THAT I DON'T KNOW ABOUT...she says nothing. Says that they chilled a few times and he "rubbed her feet" but thats all...even though I believe her (like a dummy) at this point I'm still done with her. We get to her house...I pack my ***** and I head to my moms.

 

A week passes by and I haven't talked to her...I'm pretty much like **** her. But she does something she's never done before...she pursues me. She pops up at my house a week later crying her eyes out...spent the very last of her money to pay forngas to come see me just to give me an apology letter. It's the most "sincere" letter I've gotten from her in YEARS. She says how's she's dis usher in how she acted and that she had a chance to rekindle things with him but that she only wanted me so she kicked him to the curb. That she wanted to change for me and blah blah blah...I fall for it 120%. I had come into a little bit of money and for her spending her last to come see me I gave her $200. She asked me about the scar that she gave me...I didn't even know she knew about it but she said she saw me bleeding the second it happened and had to pull a strand of skin and meat from her finger nails.

 

We watch a movie and everything is good...for about a week. She texting him again. I say what I have to say but she insist nothing is going on...I don't like it but I completely forget to mention that in her letter she said she was done with him. I let her continue to text him because I believed what she said about nothing happening between them and that she only did what she did because of what I did...but I keep a close eye on the situation.

 

2 weeks later she gets a text from him at 3am and I'm PISSED but I don't argue. She insist it's nothing to worry about but deletes all the text in her phone the second I say something about it...suspicious much. I'm done AGAIN at this point...I'm headed to Pittsburgh the next day so I write her a letter saying I'm done with the bull**** and she can have him. When I'm in Pittsburgh she sends me a text saying "I need to know your trying to make this work"...I fall for it AGAIN! I come home, we make up...but still not having sex more than twice a month. She says her sex drive is all ****ed up from all the stress and being the good guy I am, even though it pisses me off I do everything I can to not stress her...sometimes it doesn't work though...I'm a very sexual person. Even looked into taking pills to lower if not eliminate my sex drive for a while because I was absolutely in love with the woman.

 

POINT OF NO RETURN...they day before her bday I come to visit. I'm all ready to take yer to an expensive dinner at her favorite resturant. She picks me up from the train station...we haven't been together for even 10min and she says..."so I went to the movies with ****** and..." whoa wait you did WHAT!? So I say you know what **** YOU...you already went out for your birthday so you can drop me off I'm going to the club. This pisses her off...she goes into how she is allowed to have friends and how I'm an azzhole for feeling that way and blah blah blah...I'm the bad guy (as usual) and manipulates me into feeling bad, starts crying. I eventually apologize, the fact that she's acting this way makes me feel like nothing is going on and I don't have anything to be Mad about (HA...little do I know). So I apologize and we head to her parents house...when we get there I apologize again and say look let me take you to the bar and get you drunk as an apology. We go to the bar, have a good time...everything is good. Little did I know this would be the last day of good times.

 

The next day is her bday...we go out to eat, have a decent time...come back to her parents and watch a movie. The time to get in the bed comes and guess what...doesn't try to have sex. I even sucked on her toes at one point during the movie to signal hey...tonight your mine...but she just gets in the bed and rolls over...SOMETHING IS UP my mind finally starts to pick up on. In retrospect I didn't want to find anything out...I avoided going through her phone because I didn't want to find anything...but now I was tired of the bullshyt and it was time to go through her phone.

 

Sure enough I find naked pics she had been sending him, text of her making plans to see him, all kinds of *****. So I throw her phone at her and say IM DONE (yes again I know, but this time I mean it) This time I put dudes number in my phone because I'm determined to find out EVERYTHING! she gets mad at me and says "this is bullshyt" tries to make me feel like an azz but this time it doesn't work...she's caught

 

The ride home I ask the same question...WHAT HAS GONE ON THAT I DONT KNOW ABOUT (I want to know if they have been ****ing) she say "nothing...I keep telling you nothing I just sent him those because I was bored." but I've got an ace in my pocket this time...his phone number. So I pull out my phone and say "well you know what, I don't believe you...I took his number from your phone this time and I'm about to call him. I'll even put it on speaker phone for you". So I dail his number and she threatens to kick me out of the car...I say THEN TELL ME WHAT I NEED TO KNOW...she shays THERE'S NOTHING TO KNOW so I dial his number again...she's says stop, we argue and I say I'm GOING. To call him. I guess she thought I was playing...we get to her house and I say look it's either me or him, she says she has to think so I say well **** it...I get out the car call his phone and for once I'm not a d!ck when he picks up...I tell him who I am and ask wtf is up...THEY HAVE BEEN ****ING FOR THE PAST 5 MONTHS!!!!

 

I go to the car grab my backpack and call her on her bullshyt...she gets out of the car and PUNCHES ME IN MY MOUTH! So I grab her phone and smash it on the ground. She calls the police, they come I act a fool and tell them "IF YOUR NOT GOING TO LOCK ME UP THEN GET THE **** OUT OF MY FACE OF TAZE THE **** OUT OF ME".....strangely they just leave after 10min. Weird, police in my county usually LOVE to lock a ninja up esp when a woman calls them over.

 

We argue for HOURS! She says she's she will always resent me for making him stop talking to her, says she's going to commit suicide...I force her in the car and take her to the crisis center because she is hysterical.

 

A week passes and we end up talking...try to be friends but after all that happened...I can't do it. I am distraught. I love this damn girl so much that I can't even begin to move on. I find out when I was in Pittsburgh she was at his house the entire time even though she sent me that "I need to know your trying to make this work text", find out not only has she been ****ing him but also giving him head, and that all this time she hasn't been having sex with me and saying she just doesn't have a sex drive it's been bullcrap. Here's the kicker...before I gave her the $200 she would go up there once a week, after that day she gave me that letter that was "so sincere" she started going up there more often. The day she went to the movies with him and gotmmad at me for getting mad at her going, she ****ed him...just all kinds of bullcrap. I told her that I would be done with school in the next 2 years and that everything would be fine one day soon...she told me "I can't wait for one day".

 

I am CRUSHED you have no idea how much I loved this girl and the weight of finding all this out at once turned me into a suicidal wreck from a few days. We kinda get on better terms but she tells me she needs space. We are BOTH crushed and simply exhausted from everything. He obviously stops talking to her and that makes her go crazy...but after all the bullshyt I still love her so...I call him again. I tell him not to be mad at her and that he apparently makes her happy and all I want is for her to be happy. I tell him I'm out of the picture and that I want him to forgive her and to be with her.

 

Like i said technically we weren't together so I couldnt really say she cheated (nor could she had she known about me having sex with that girl)...but we were looking at buying a house together in the future, having kids when money was better, getting married, she made me think we were really about to start a life together for good. I was about to make the relationship official dispute the sex issues and she kept telling me she only wanted me. I asked her the day before her bday when we were headed to her parents if she thought we would be together forever and she said I sure hope so. I was madly in love with her and wanted no one but her. I had never been attracted to her more than I was at this point in time smh. I disappeared for about 2 weeks

 

I last saw my ex Dec. 16th...the day she told me she was in love with the guy. I was a complete and total wreck after hearing that. Had my first ever anxiety attack and feeling of shock to the point where I couldn't move. Tried to convince her it was just the feeling of dealing with someone new (we were together for 7 years) and she said she would have to figure that out on her own. Told me she didn't see things working out between us. I became EXTREMELY desperate and broke down in front of her. Spilled my heart out. This just pissed her off...I kept her up the whole night explaining my love for her for over 5 hours. I was simply PATHETIC and I realize this. Even ended up...(so embarrassing) sucking her toes and giving her head just to try and make her change her mind. She got up for work the next day and yelled at me for keeping her up all night...told me to leave her alone and to talk to her in 2 years when I graduate college, that things would be fresh and new then and we could possibly try again then. Calls me an hour later and apologizes, asks me why I don't think she loves him...I say well for one the fact that you asking me shows that's your not sure...got into some other reasons I can't remember. She comeback after work andwe talk for a little bit longer then out of NO WHERE starts being a TOTAL B!TCH to me...come to find out she was supposed to go to lunch with him and was mad that I was there because she would have to reschedule so I said I'd leave, all she had to do was say so not be a b!tch to me. Somehow before I leave we get on the topic of getting back together, she says even if he wasn't in the picture she still wouldn't want to get back together right now and I tell her there's no way I'm going to get with her in 2 years that the longest I would wait is 6 months...she says ok. I make her promise me that she will go to dinner with me on Valentines Day...she says ok, then she says we're not going to talk until February 1st

 

Fast forward...I've actually "gotten over" wanting to be with her. I think back to everything that happened and I tell myself I deserve better. I've hurried all emotions for her...but I'm still in love with her. I've decided to cancel the vday dinner and opt for a less heavy dinner the weekend before where I'm going to tell her to kick rocks...but lately I've been having second thoughts. Honestly I don't even want to be friends with her...the woman scarred me for life and punched me in my mouth over this guy after being with me for seven years. I have been there gor her through THICK AND THIN you have no idea the things we have been through together and I always had her back. BUT I STILL AM MADLY IN LOVE WITH HER and I don't know what to do.

 

She texted me a week ago saying "how are you"...5min later she texted again saying "I've been worried about you" yet she didn't text me merry Christmas or happy near year and that pissed me off. She abandoned me for someone else. I didn't respond to her text so she sent another one saying "ok I will t alk to you on feb 1st".

 

Apparently she got in contact with my best friend asking about how I had been doing and intold her not to tell her anything about me.

 

Now that I have 10 days until the 1st I am EXTREMELY anxious but the thing is...I haven't missed her since she told me she loved him. Haven't missed her in the slightest bit. The first up until that point it was SO HARD to not talk to her but after she told me that something changed...I just didn't miss her anymore. But now that the first is coming up I have all these feelings popping back up...I'm second guessing not talking to her ever again. I don't want her back in 6 months because I have SO MUCH MORE RESPECT FOR MYSELF and I won't be second choice...but at the same time...I DON'T KNOW HOW I FEEL! I am sooooooooooo confused and don't know what to do anymore.

 

The past month has been used planning how I'm going to tell her to kick rocks...but as of yesterday the fact that I will never see her again kicked in and...again I don't know how I feel. I still don't miss her, still don't want to be with her, honestly don't want to be friends with her. If she could do what she did to me after all I have done for her she isn't someone I want in my life...BUT IM IN LOVE with her...no just love her but IN LOVE. and I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm going crazy. Part of me still wants her around. Part of me wants her to do something AMAZING that makes me change my mind...I want her to do something to make me change my mind...I'm so lost...what do you all think

[R32]

Yeah she's poison. Stay the **** away from her for your own good. On top of that, I think you have bigger issues than her right now considering you need to STEAL to eat. Get your priorities straight, you have money for a computer, cell phone, and even money to give her, yet you STEAL to eat.

 

Get your own baggage figured out before trying to sort through hers.

[RonChalant]

The stealing thing was then...I haven't had to do that since not being with her because I only have myself to support instead of the both of us plus I'm finally in a better place, but yea I feel you on the she's poison thing

[Philosoraptor]

Holy crap that was intense.

 

Ok past that. You need to stay away from this person. Neither of you are ready to be in any sort of real relationship. Cheating, emotional insanity... change your number, email, etc. now so she can't make contact at the start of the month.

[RonChalant]

Lol @ Philosoraptor, intense doesn't even begin to explain...what crazy is there are things that I left out.

 

Anyway, so you think I should just not even talk to her at the start of the month huh? I've been thinking the same thing, that I should just disappear completely...but what's been going on lately is I've been constantly thinking about her and I feel like until I get "closure" she will constantly be on my mind. As much as I don't want to be with her she's the first thing on my mind when I wake up and the last thing before I go to sleep.

 

I have a bunch of her stuff and a Christmas present that I bought for her that I need to get out of my closet.

 

When I think about her it's not about getting back with her...it's a constant rehearsal in my mind of what I'm going to say when I see her. If I don't see her it's going to be sooo loud in my head with words I never got to say...it's already loud as hell in my head and I feel if I don't get out what I have to say it will just get even louder and I'll drive myself crazy.

 

Not looking for her to give me answers...I just have things I have to get out.

[Dark Phoenix]

Love make people do crazy things (Quoted from my brother). Absolutely true. Both of you are acting crazy.

 

Let her go have her fun, she will be back. You should go out and have some fun too. You will be back too.

 

Everything will be OK

[RonChalant]

Why do you say that Dark Phoenix?

[Dark Phoenix]

Because its the truth, let the sand from the storm settle and you should be able to see everything I see.

 

Everything will be ok, give yourself some space

[RonChalant]

UPDATE! UPDATE! UPDATE!

 

So I decided not to talk to her on the first. I sent her a text today for the first time in over a month saying "please do not call me on the 1st I have no desire to talk to you". I did this because I don't know how I feel about her and I still need time to figure that out. She replied saying "ok I will write you a letter. I miss and hope your ok". Left it at that...two hours later she texted me again saying "I just want to know one thing, do you hate me" and I just...haven't responded. Of course I don't hate her...I am still in love with the girl. That text was send over an hour and a half ago, as I'm typing this she just texted me saying "damn that's harsh"...what do I do? Do I at least tell her I don't hate her or do I just leave it alone for right now

[Janesays]

I think you both need counseling. You are two totally toxic people right now. Heal yourself. Then figure out how to be with someone else.

[Dark Phoenix]

lol, they arent toxic people, they love each other. She's GIGs like a champ

 

As for your question... I would be honest, emotionally. I would tell her the truth.

 

At the same time, it really doesnt matter what you say, she wont remember it anyways in the long run.

 

You can do anything you want, chase her, go NC etc, all will yield the same results in the grand scheme of things.

 

For you and your mental sanity, I would go NC. You need this time to process your feelings, grow emotionally, focus on you, and figure out whats best for you.

[RonChalant]

so this morning i wake up to another text saying "i wish you would at least answer my question after all we've been though and you cant even do that". The fact that she dropped the "after all we've been through" card pissed me off and i was forced to respond "Don't give me that hype...after all we been through you attack and scar my stomach and punch me in the mouth on 2 separate occasions within a month over some other dude, despite that I go out of my way to call him to get you 2 back together and your the biggest bitch you have ever been to me because you think I was going to keep you from going to lunch with him. This is just 3 things I've chosen to mention. On top of that you abandon me so that you can continue to pursue him and give him EVERYTHING I wanted from you times 10. "After all we been through" you chose to treat me like I was NOTHING all for some other guy who will never love you like me. You dare drop to your knees IN FRONT OF ME and cry "he's gone he's gone I can't believe he's gone"...I should hate you, I've tried to make myself hate you...I want to hate you...but I don't and it pisses me off because you don't deserve my love. You abandoned me when I loved you the most...but you pull the "after all we been through" card. Last time I said that to you it didn't matter so don't you dare try to manipulate my emotions. I am nowhere near the same pathetic person you knew so don't try any of your tricks on me I'm not having it this time around".

 

in retrospect i wish i would have kept it shorter because I dont want to come across as bitter because i'm not...but seeing her say that (oxymoron) really erked me at 8am. the craziest part...i had JUST fisished having a dream about her where she said something to piss me off and her last words were "you are a bad person" and i woke up as soon as she finished saying that...LITERALLY 5 seconds later I get the text (-_-)

[Philosoraptor]

in retrospect i wish i would have kept it shorter because I dont want to come across as bitter because i'm not...

Yes, none of that sounded bitter whatsoever.

 

She laid a trap and you took the bait. Looks like she was fishing for a reason to keep away and to remind herself that you are the bad guy, and still will be in her mind. Very immature, but that's too bad.

[Dark Phoenix]

There was no trap...

 

And yes hes bitter and jealous

[RonChalant]

There was no trap...

 

And yes hes bitter and jealous

 

lol ok maybe i am still a bit bitter, just dont want to come across that way...obviously did a "really good job of that" lol. anyway I dont think she read it. after reading philosoraptors post i decided to make it so she wouldn't see it...soooo i hacked her FB and deleted it. when i got into her page i saw that there wasnt a "new message" 1 over the messeges area...thought i may have been to late but when i went into the actual messeges it had a blue bar over it like it only has when messeges haven't been read...deleted it and left without reading any of her other messeges. i also didnt get a reply so im pretty sure she didnt get a chance to read it. im about to do a quick experiment to see how mobile fb app and computer fb handles messeges.

 

DONT LECTURE ME ABOUT HOW IT WAS WRONG TO HACK HER FB...i only did it to remove my msg to her that was sent in anger and immediately left.

[Philosoraptor]

Ugh as someone in the computer security field it pains me to see people calling that hacking. Illegally entering, yes... but you know her password.

 

I will not shame you for removing it before it was viewed. Unlike most here who wish they could take back contact, you could and did. As long as you did not tamper with anything else I can't blame you for doing it. Let's not respond at all this time as it's not going to help you feel better as you are in a painful state right now. Attacking someone only leaves us more hurt ourselves no matter how much someone has wronged us.

[RonChalant]

Ugh as someone in the computer security field it pains me to see people calling that hacking. Illegally entering, yes... but you know her password.

 

I will not shame you for removing it before it was viewed. Unlike most here who wish they could take back contact, you could and did. As long as you did not tamper with anything else I can't blame you for doing it. Let's not respond at all this time as it's not going to help you feel better as you are in a painful state right now. Attacking someone only leaves us more hurt ourselves no matter how much someone has wronged us.

 

lol technically it was a hack (in my mind) because i didnt know her password...but i knew the password to her email so I had a password reset done through email and went that way...i guess that is still just knowing her password though huh lol. and i know your going to say "well isnt she going to find out" to which i will say NO, because it made sure i deleted all evidence of a password reset going on and she will just think that her facebook messed up.

 

crisis i believe has been averted...i did my exp and had she read it the blue bar would not have been over the msg. though i'm going to double check a few times to make sure haha

[RonChalant]

So we ended up talking...well texting. Started off with slight arguing...then toned down to her wanting to be friends because "she loves me and can't not ever talk to me and wonder how I'm doing"...told her that wasn't going to work because of the feelings I will always have for her. She still in love with dude and I'm not going to put myself through being her sideline cheerleader. Told her my life isn't an open window she can peep into whenever she wants. After fighting it she eventually gave into the fact that I don't want to be her friend. Says she will still try to contact me from time to time, but I told her I'm not likely to answer...says it doesn't matter she'll still try...w/e. So I guess I've finally gotten closure...no more "maybe this'll happen" thoughts...no more rehearsing how our next conversation will go...it's just...done. As of right now...I'm good. Calm...curious about how life after a 7 year relationship will be...ehh god do I love her though. Why is "the one that got away" randomly playing on the radio in the gym right now...wtf lmao just my luck. Maybe it's meant to be and this song playing right after we finish our convo is the sign of that...strange. ONWARD!!!

[RonChalant]

So today i actually shed a few tears for the first time in almost a month over the situation. Guess now that is 110% real it just got kinda hard...I dont know. She's apparently moved in with dude, which I knew was going to happen anyway. She say's "I wouldn't say that" when I asked, but I'm not dumb; not anymore anyway.

 

So now here I am, an empty shell on emotion that sways back and forth. While I still don't ness. miss her, my best friend of 7 years is gone. Maybe I do miss her and I'm trying to convince myself that I dont...most likely the case. But I told her I couldn't ever see her again, and I can't. My emotions for her will never change, and seeing her, even years from now would just make them come back up. She REALLY wants to be friends, its not even a thing of her trying to string my along, she genuinly wants to be friends...but I can't. I will never see her again and that sucks.

 

I told her I couldn't even try to be in a rela with her again because I would always feel like number 2...like she only would want to be with me when she saw that things weren't what she wanted with him. Like I said, when put side by side she's never chosen me over him. She says she's still madly in love with me but got tired of feeling that she couldn't trust me.

 

So I'm moving on, but this void I have can only be filled by her, but I wont allow that because I refuse to be used/second choice/just friends...**sigh**

[Philosoraptor]

Step back from things for a minute. She may not knowledgably be trying to string you along... but emotionally she is very much lost and needs to hold onto some sense of comfort. She is unable to take care of her own emotional needs and having you there, knowing that you want her, will give her that sense of "right" that she seems to need in order to move on.

 

If she really wants to be friends she would respect your request and you may be able to maintain a friendship in the future when you are healed. Sadly though it is likely that when you have healed and desire her no more, she will still not have matured emotionally and will not want to maintain a friendship because it will hurt her. Only when both parties have healed can a friendship have even the slightest glimmer of hope.

[RonChalant]

What sucks is I know your right and as much as I dont want to let go I have too, but even in the future I really dont see how we could be friends. I'd be hell bent on stealing her from him or at the very least trying to get her to have sex with me so that I would feel that I got back at him for taking her from me. It wouldn't be good. I feel like she'll be back on day but at the same time I feel like, she's had this dude on her mind for 3 years...she's gone. Then comes the thing of like I said, even if she did come back I dont think I would want her because I would always feel inferior to him. Like, when you had the 2 of us side by side, 4 times in a row you always picked him. I love her and she is truely my best friend I have ever had, but I just cant see how ANY type of relationship could work. Which sucks because as I said I am still madly in love with the girl and she CLAIMS I am the closest person to her heart.

 

If we did manage to be friends I know for a fact she would cheat on him with me, but...**sigh** why can't this be easier. I'm going to hurt with or without her in my life and I will always have a void that only she can fill. I feel like I'm taking crazy pills. I'm going to send her the xmas present I got for her which is a pic of her dog that died put onto canvas. It was the last picture taken of him 2 weeks before he died and she was super close to him. She's supposed to be mailing me a letter but I don't see a point in that, all it can possibly say is the same **** we already texted about.

 

"Love" sucks

[RonChalant]

So I've realized that my biggest issue right now is that I'm more jealous about this situation than anything else. I still haven't missed her nor felt the need to talk to her...but it still ****s with me day and night because this jealousy about her being "happy" with someone else. As much as I love her I don't miss her...am I just trying to convince myself that I don't...honestly I don't think so.

 

Sent her the Xmas present in the mail that I got her 2 months ago with a letter restating that we cannot be friends and that I don't want to be with her in the future because I would always feel like #2...long story short told her this would be the last time she ever heard from me. Now, honestly that was a challenge presented to her is secret, to prove to me somehow that im not #2...but knowing her it'll go over her head. Pretty much, after 7.3 long years...I really don't think I'll ever see her again.

 

Am I sad about it...yeah, but I don't miss her.

 

Am I in denial, or has she honestly hurt me to the point where I really just cannot be with her?

[Philosoraptor]

This right here is your immaturity, and it's something we all go through. We want to feel that we have won the healing race, when it's truly not a race against anyone. When you find peace with things you will be happy for whichever positive direction she is moving with her life and wish her the best.

 

You are flooded with emotions and want to get a reaction out of her. Find that peaceful place and it wont matter what she thinks nor what she is doing with her life.

[Dark Phoenix]

How is he immature?

 

What healing race are you talking about?

 

When you give advice, validate his feelings like I did a week ago when I suggested to him he was jealous a bitter. 2 Perfectly Natural Human Emotions.

 

You act like a Vulcan, you hide your emotions behind logic, he's ahead of the game and expressing them honestly.

 

There is no such thing as 100% peace and happiness. It does not exist. People that pretend it does live in a dull world/reality. Here's a logical quote for you "In order to truly enjoy happiness, you have to experience sadness"

[Philosoraptor]

How is he immature?

 

What healing race are you talking about?

 

I'm not chastising him for it, but he is more concerned about her healing than he is about his own. It's natural to want to heal faster as most without the experience do not want to still be healing when their ex is acting like they are in a happy place with someone else. This is just basic emotion which almost everyone (including myself) has felt in the past. It brings about feelings of insecurity, which is one of the reasons why NC is important. It helps us not focus on what our ex's are doing and how they are healing, but focus on ourselves and work towards our own healing.

 

When you give advice, validate his feelings like I did a week ago when I suggested to him he was jealous a bitter. 2 Perfectly Natural Human Emotions.

 

You act like a Vulcan, you hide your emotions behind logic, he's ahead of the game and expressing them honestly.

He has validated his own feelings and has accepted them. Though it is immature, it is also natural to worry so much about our ex's feelings and how they are doing. It's natural to want to know they are missing you or that they are not as happy anymore now that we are not apart of their life. It's natural to want to know that you meant something. I fought this battle and it's not easy, I'll never claim it is. But taking care of yourself and taking focus off the past is important when in your fragile state.

 

I've shed many tears for those here and offer both my condolences and joy to the members here. I offer logic and perspective to help anyone and everyone here on a path to self healing. My goal is nothing more than to plant the seed that allows them to take the best care of themselves. To put themselves first rather than worrying so much about what a partner from the past is doing.

 

There is no such thing as 100% peace and happiness. It does not exist. People that pretend it does live in a dull world/reality. Here's a logical quote for you "In order to truly enjoy happiness, you have to experience sadness"

I agree, there is no 100% happiness. But there can be peace as peace is finding forgiveness and holding no anger towards anyone. I don't claim to be at peace 100% of the time, but I do try my best to not allow anger to get the best of me. I do not limit emotions within myself and I express myself to those around me.

 

My heart breaks for many here as I recognize their stories. Buttercup's hits me the hardest as I was with someone who was emotionally abusive as well and I know how hard it is to let go. My optimism helped me hold on and the words I told myself constantly were "if I only didn't do xyz, she wont be mad anymore". It's a terrible place to be and unconditional love truly knows no limits. Even being the logical person I am my heart couldn't let go, so you just keep trying.

 

So yes, I know emotions and I experience them constantly. I'm the type of person who gets excited over silly things but cries during commercials on TV and during disney movies.

 

But even with this I offer the logical advice needed while in a very fragile emotional state. It may come off a little hardnosed at times, but it's not any sort of false hope. When someone is hurting they need something to grab onto in order to pull themselves up. To understand what they are doing is normal and not wrong, but it's not going to benefit their healing so another route would be preferable. I constantly use the line "find your own path to healing", as they are all different. But one of the constants is taking care of yourself and not worrying about your ex.