Really long REALLY DRAMATIC

[RonChalant]

Not worrying about her is the key reason I have told her to leave me be. Yes there is a hidden undertone of "prove me wrong" but at the same time as of right now I honestly dont want her. Far to hurt and distrusting of everyone to let myself be that vulnerable again. As far as the future goes I wouldn't take her back if he and her were to break up for whatever reason and she then decided she wants to give things another go with me...the ONLY way I would ever even concider getting back with her is if she cheated on and left him for me...that is the ONLY way I wouldn't feel like I was a backup plan. Even then it would only be taken into concideration.

 

As contridicting as it is one of the reasons I won't be friends with her is because she's would no doubt in my mind cheat on him with me at some point. To much history, to many emotions for that not to happen...its enevitable. "ok isn't that what you want" you might say...not at all. Of course I don't give a **** about this dudes feeling and having her cheat on him with me would tickle my balls something serious lol, but I'm not going to let her have both of us. She would be the only person benefitting from this type of arrangement, and even if I chose not to have sex with her, she would still have both of us mentally.

 

My "plan" is to heal to the point where I seriously don't care one way of the other. The week before our would-be 8th year anniversary I plan on contacting her and possibly going out to dinner...from there I really don't know. I'm hoping that by this time I don't care to the point where I dont even bother.

 

I don't want to throw away 7.5-8 years if it is at all salvagable and we both have changed to the point where it can work. I will if I have to, but I feel that in the future I should give it one FINAL nudge. By that time 11 months will have passed since we last had sex or saw each other on "decent" terms. Then again maybe this is a setup for failure...i have 8 months to figure that out though...honestly something tells me I will hear from her within the 8 months until the 6th of october...but honestly I dont care to much if she does or doesnt. Ok maybe I do care, but it wont CRUSH me like it would have 2 months ago.

 

I've felt the fround already so aside from her getting pregnant or married by/to dude...there really is nothing more she can do to hurt me.

 

Smh just because I said that watch BOTH of these things happen lol.

 

Well I'm gonna go crawl back under my rock, feel free to tell me more about how I'm to worried about things I shouldn't be...I'd like to hear more from Phoenix as well, you disappeared on me for a while

[Philosoraptor]

Not worrying about her is the key reason I have told her to leave me be. Yes there is a hidden undertone of "prove me wrong" but at the same time as of right now I honestly dont want her. Far to hurt and distrusting of everyone to let myself be that vulnerable again. As far as the future goes I wouldn't take her back if he and her were to break up for whatever reason and she then decided she wants to give things another go with me...the ONLY way I would ever even concider getting back with her is if she cheated on and left him for me...that is the ONLY way I wouldn't feel like I was a backup plan. Even then it would only be taken into concideration.

 

As contridicting as it is one of the reasons I won't be friends with her is because she's would no doubt in my mind cheat on him with me at some point. To much history, to many emotions for that not to happen...its enevitable. "ok isn't that what you want" you might say...not at all. Of course I don't give a **** about this dudes feeling and having her cheat on him with me would tickle my balls something serious lol, but I'm not going to let her have both of us. She would be the only person benefitting from this type of arrangement, and even if I chose not to have sex with her, she would still have both of us mentally.

 

My "plan" is to heal to the point where I seriously don't care one way of the other. The week before our would-be 8th year anniversary I plan on contacting her and possibly going out to dinner...from there I really don't know. I'm hoping that by this time I don't care to the point where I dont even bother.

 

I don't want to throw away 7.5-8 years if it is at all salvagable and we both have changed to the point where it can work. I will if I have to, but I feel that in the future I should give it one FINAL nudge. By that time 11 months will have passed since we last had sex or saw each other on "decent" terms. Then again maybe this is a setup for failure...i have 8 months to figure that out though...honestly something tells me I will hear from her within the 8 months until the 6th of october...but honestly I dont care to much if she does or doesnt. Ok maybe I do care, but it wont CRUSH me like it would have 2 months ago.

 

I've felt the fround already so aside from her getting pregnant or married by/to dude...there really is nothing more she can do to hurt me.

 

Smh just because I said that watch BOTH of these things happen lol.

 

Well I'm gonna go crawl back under my rock, feel free to tell me more about how I'm to worried about things I shouldn't be...I'd like to hear more from Phoenix as well, you disappeared on me for a while

I'm not going to dig too deep here as I recognize many of these emotions and they will pass. As you know, your planning to wait 8 months to contact her on a specific day is going to take your focus off of yourself and will be a liability to healing, as you will be anticipating that day.

 

I hope you continue to work on yourself and are able to deter your thoughts when they linger on her current life for too long. Hopefully once the fog and confusion settles you will find the path that allows you to heal the best and causes you the least amount of pain.

[RonChalant]

as far as the "you will be anticipating this day" thing i've already thought about that...but honestly I dont "think" that really will be an issue. As the days go by i think about her less and less already. Sure she's the first thing on my mind when I wake up and the last thing before I go to bed...but its for no where near as long as it used to be. Maybe 10-15 min before sleep becuase...wtf else do I have to do in that time period but think as I pass out...but in the mornings its..her her...ok lets get my day started. Random occurances throughout the day, but for the most part I think I'm doing well as far as getting her off my mind.

 

It used to be when I hung out with another female I would constantly compair the 2, i'd be dull and boring because she was on my mind the entire time...now when I'm with another woman she may come to mind in the beg. when I do a quick attractiveness comparison (****ed up I know lol) and then I'm usually good to go.

 

I realize its lonliness that effects me the most right now...which isn't good because I've caught myself once or twice making myself to avail. and coming across as ever so slightly needy. Haven't had sex in over a month now so thats adding to it lol...actually its only be 2 weeks but we I didnt get to "finish" because of some...lets say freak accident that completely destroyed the mood smh lol. But yeah, so honestly lack of sex is what making me come off as needy because...DAMMIT IM HORNY!! Lol.

 

I've had "sex" with 3 diff women since the 30th of Nov. but I havent "felt" anything...its just kinda been something that was going on...didn't feel good didnt feel bad...it just was. As much as I want to have sex I feel like its going to be like that for a while until I find someone who "replaces" her in my mind, if thats even possible.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hbN3bzCo0Vo

 

^^this song explains EXACTLY how its felt =/

 

_________________________________

 

I'm gonna lean, till I fall

And I don't give a damn, I've felt the ground before

[RonChalant]

Smh now that I'm starting to really get over the situation and have started dating (something I previously thought I would never be able to do) she has started randomly texting me, twice in about a week.

 

The first one was innocent enough, "the letter I'm writing you is more of a journal so be patient"...where the **** did that come from though. Yea she told me she was going to mail me a letter because I told her I had no desire to talk to her, but what's with the be patient, lol does she really think I'm sitting around waiting for it...I didn't reply.

 

Today, the night after an awesome date and make out session with one girl, and having sex twice with a crazy clingy chick who called me her boyfriend today (don't know where she got that idea but she's got to go), I get a text about 15min ago saying "thinking about you.....bye :("

 

WTF!? I'm half way tempted to text her man and say "tell your woman to stop texting me" but I feel that would be childish...lol but it would be funny.

 

I feel like she's trying to manipulate me so the last thing I'm going to do is respond. A month ago I would have been quick to respond...now, as much as I still love her she can $uck a big floppy donkey d1ck! She had no problem doing that behind my back so I really don't see the point of these text.

 

Smh WOMEN!

[Dark Phoenix]

So you are out banging other women and shes banging another guy.

 

She misses you and texts you saying that and how is that wrong?

[RonChalant]

Because I don't want to talk to her and because I'm ignoring her she's determined to get her way. She abandoned me and didn't want me to contact her and now she's messing up my content with being single by attempting to **** with my head since I don't WANT to talk to her

[chelsea2011]

It's simple...then don't talk to her. I know how it can screw with your head when an ex contacts you, but just hang tight an it will pass. Enjoy your date with the new girl.

[Tiera D]

i read your post and true its quite crazy the situation.anyway since no attempt to reconcile you should block her phone number and delete the "journal"she sent you trust me you will be tempted to read it but DONT

 

best luck

TD

[RonChalant]

i read your post and true its quite crazy the situation.anyway since no attempt to reconcile you should block her phone number and delete the "journal" she sent you trust me you will be tempted to read it but DONT

 

best luck

TD

 

There lies the issue...I can't 100% say that I don't want to reconcile at some point but right now I just want to be left alone. After all that happened I know it sounds crazy to possibly want her back...I want to see her work to get me back though, if she doesn't "crawl on broken glass" to get me back I'll just keep it moving. Like I said it's crazy but I am still madly in love with the girl =/

 

As far as the "journal" goes I was thinking the same thing, to just toss it...but I'm REALLY curious as to what could possibly be in it to be honest. By no means am I waiting for it, but if it comes I feel like if I don't read it it will always be something that bothers me. Setup for failure...possibly, we shall see. I mean she more less lives with dude so I'm pretty sure it's going to be full of breadcrumbs implying a "possible" future, to which I'll laugh because that no longer phases me THANK GOD!

[Tiera D]

Anyway ur case is indeed dramatic,i need to be realistic ur ex seems very unstable,she apparently now only cares about her own emotion thats why shes playing push and pull with u.My advice go NC and whatever she does mirror her,u must try to slowly unburden urself.During NC i suggest u take a long vacation if u can afford it and stay away from communicaton electronics,it works GL

 

TD

[RonChalant]

unstable is an understatement lol...the girl is BONKERS emotionally. I've seen her break down on MULTIPLE MULTIPLE occasions and curl into a fetal position and just cry...so I've always felt this need to protect/take care of her honestly.

 

she apparently now only cares about her own emotion thats why shes playing push and pull with u

 

She is EXTREMELY emotionally selfish as well...she has an "if your not 100% with me your 100% against me mentality" which gets old...fast. That and her "I'm never wrong attitude". Lol the very last time we spoke (1.27.12) part of the text conversation went:

 

HER: i wanted to be there for you, i never wanted to turn my back on you

ME: but you did

HER: no

ME: that punch to the face was the ultimate act of disloyalty/back turning, as is the scar i have (from you attacking me a month before over this guy)

HER: i'm really sorry you feel that way

ME: ...so are you saying thats not an act of betrayal

HER: i guess

 

(-_-) <- my expression

 

ME: you guess...that it is, or isnt...choose your next words wisely

 

***preparing to tell her she has ISSUES and to never contact me again in her life***

 

HER: ok yes it is

 

AND THATS NOTHING compared to what i've gone through for 7 years. Normally she just would stick to her guns so her owning up to it was a surprise lol.

 

Anyway its been 2.5 months since I've seen her, a month since a 2-way conversation, and 10 days since she texted me saying she was "thinking about me" smh. I still have no desire to speak with or see her at all. I am not mad that she is with someone else, I wish her the best, I want her to be happy. But the way she acted towards me during the final 3.5 months of our "relationship" really grinds my gears (lol peter griffin)

 

i am angry at myself for still being IN LOVE with her. i feel that she doesnt deserve to be loved by me and i dont understand why i cany hate her...i want to hate her so badly and I told her this. Whats crazy is I cant picture what she looks like in my mind anymore and i dont know why...we were together 7 years and its only been 2.5 months since ive seen her...why cant I draw a picture of her in my mind after such a short period of time?

 

On a lighter note I have started talking to someone new which I feel kind of bad about since I'm still in love with the ex. She somewhat knows about my situation but is pursuing me regardless. It feels good to actually FEEL wanted for the first time in 3 years...but i feel like she's going to get hurt :/

 

I dont want to project my feeling i have for my ex onto her which I feel has been going on. I accidentally called her my GF one day last week, and i swear I almost said "I love you" one time after making out with her completely out of reflex. Luckily I caught it because that would have been AWKWARD after only a month of talking lmao.

 

I dunno...I hate that secretly I want the bitch back, just refuse to show it or let it happen just like that. New girl wants to be my GF which is strange and foreign to me. I've been with the same person for 7 years...***sigh*** what to do what to do

 

i know one thing though...its feels SO DAMN GOOD to not be moping around everyday over her anymore and it feels even better to have a pretty girl really like me and who actually shows that she does. At the same time I feel that because of that I'm going to rush into things, looking for someone to fill the void that I'm pretty sure only Mag can fill =/

[RonChalant]

It's funny how time changes thoughts and emotions. As tore up as I was about this whole situation in the beginning...here I am 3.5 months later wanting nothing to do with her anymore. Sure I still think about her DAILY which I hate to admit, but the thoughts are completely different. Now I think about how much of a bitch she really was for YEARS and I just didn't want to acknowledge it because I was so in love...hell I still love the winch (lol) but like she told me..."sometimes love isn't enough". Retrospect is a hell of a thing

 

I do wish her the best though...shysti b1tch LMAO

[RonChalant]

Now that I have a new gf, I realize how much my ex was...a giant Call.U.Next.Tuesday during our entire relationship and I was completely oblivious to it because I was "in love". Retrospect is a damn good tool...it's been 5 months since our breakup and I view the entire situation so differently it's crazy. Read a journal I was writing during the first 2.5 months of the breakup and realized I was pitting her on this friggin pedestal that...she far from deserved, actually made me laugh. Really do with her the best though...looking forward to the future

[GaelicSoul]

Ok Ron.

 

No more talk about your Ex!

 

I want to know about the new GF! What's she like etc