Author ilovedhim Posted January 26, 2012 Author Share Posted January 26, 2012 "Holding resentment is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die". You know what will happen if you don't? Nothing.. Thanks flourescent what you say makes sense. My head will probably get chewed up and spit out for writing this but.... I was on a business forum that I introduced to my ex and guess what? He's starting a business! The first thought in my head was I was proud of him, the next was... and he's going to share this with his soon to be wife, not me! Something inside is telling me to try to work things out or atleast tell him how I feel. Maybe my pride (as you guys said) stopped me from really giving it a fair shot. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ilovedhim Posted January 26, 2012 Author Share Posted January 26, 2012 Listen, I'm not sure this is true in all cases. My ex went through early menopause at 22 years old. Devastated. She was never the same after that. I honestly didn't really care. Don't get me wrong, I felt horrible for her, and the pain is something I can never understand, but it wasn't a dealbreaker. I used to always tell her two things. 1. Miracles happen and 2. If I have to chose between a future unborn child and the love of my life, I chose the love of my life. As a matter of fact, even before that, I don't think she was even interested in ever having kids. But really, she kept pushing me away after that because she would always try and convince me that I wanted kids, and since I could never have them with her, that our relationship was dead. I always found this ridiculous, but I understood the emotional value of what she was saying. We actually had the marriage talk a few times a year. I would ask her if she saw herself marrying me, and she would say 'no, I don't see myself marrying anyone, ever'. I remember getting somewhat upset, but really, I always believed deep down that living life with my soulmate trumps marriage. Who gives a ****. I still feel the same way. Marriage doesn't mean all that much to me. But again, she was obsessed with this idea that I had to be married. I guess it didn't help that I had asked her to marry me, to which she replied yes, then said 'stop this isn't funny.' But what I really meant, and not sure if she understood, was that I wanted to spend my life with her, with or without a legal proceeding. But she's your ex, so maybe she was right? This is what bugs me more than anything. Even when I said no he moved away and on so quickly, like I/we meant nothing to him. Link to post Share on other sites
lalalandman Posted January 26, 2012 Share Posted January 26, 2012 Lol right about what?? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ilovedhim Posted January 26, 2012 Author Share Posted January 26, 2012 Lol right about what?? That you wanted more! IME men want marriage and offspring more than women. Something to do with passing on your dna. Link to post Share on other sites
Confused728 Posted January 26, 2012 Share Posted January 26, 2012 i been going through similar thing lol... check out my threads and most recent http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t312924/ Link to post Share on other sites
lalalandman Posted January 26, 2012 Share Posted January 26, 2012 Lol Obviously you missed my point. Link to post Share on other sites
lalalandman Posted January 26, 2012 Share Posted January 26, 2012 It's possible that your ex cares more about the prospect of marriage than he does about his actual fiancee. Hell, who knows, deep down he may be getting married just to stick it to you. But I'm pretty sure he has no idea what he's in for. Link to post Share on other sites
Jayerjay Posted January 26, 2012 Share Posted January 26, 2012 Hi there, just read through your story and I'm sorry you're going through this! It sounds like this guy had and has a lot of issues. But I guess what bothers me most is that in every post it sounds like you want to put the blame 100% on him, when every long term relationship is a two way street and if it ends it is because of both sides. I don't know the full story and everything he did to wrong you, but I do know just based off the things you noted that you did or said to him I'd be out the door and never looking back. And not wanting to get married is a huge deal breaker for a lot of people, you can argue and rationalize your stance all you want but once he got the "no" I am sure he was emotionally checked out and starting to move on from that moment. I also don't really understand what you want an apology from him for? Breakups suck and people get hurt, I'm willing to bet he thinks you owe him an apology and he feels the same way as you for different reasons of things that you did. You both clearly don't see eye to eye and are not compatible, I think it's time to stop blaming and start realizing where you need to improve, then pick up and move on. You deserve better than to dwell over this guy! Start focusing on the future and what you can do to better yourself, leave the ex in the past. Just my two cents, hope it all works out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ilovedhim Posted January 26, 2012 Author Share Posted January 26, 2012 lala- I get what you're saying. The facebook profile I saw with his engagement has no one else in the pics just the 2 of them. He looks sad, she looks happy. But he's always upset. I don't think he did it with the intention to marry her but who knows. Who cares. Anyway I'm trying to put it out of my mind. And sticking to NC. One of my friends reminded me about the hell he put me through last year. Enough said Link to post Share on other sites
Author ilovedhim Posted January 26, 2012 Author Share Posted January 26, 2012 Hi there, just read through your story and I'm sorry you're going through this! It sounds like this guy had and has a lot of issues. But I guess what bothers me most is that in every post it sounds like you want to put the blame 100% on him, when every long term relationship is a two way street and if it ends it is because of both sides. I don't know the full story and everything he did to wrong you, but I do know just based off the things you noted that you did or said to him I'd be out the door and never looking back. And not wanting to get married is a huge deal breaker for a lot of people, you can argue and rationalize your stance all you want but once he got the "no" I am sure he was emotionally checked out and starting to move on from that moment. I also don't really understand what you want an apology from him for? Breakups suck and people get hurt, I'm willing to bet he thinks you owe him an apology and he feels the same way as you for different reasons of things that you did. You both clearly don't see eye to eye and are not compatible, I think it's time to stop blaming and start realizing where you need to improve, then pick up and move on. You deserve better than to dwell over this guy! Start focusing on the future and what you can do to better yourself, leave the ex in the past. Just my two cents, hope it all works out. Thank you. I know you're right. He does blame me and told me it's my fault. And I'm to blame as well like you said. I didn't know marriage was a dealbreaker for him, I just thought we were enjoying each others company. There was a huge lack of communication in this relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 27, 2012 Share Posted January 27, 2012 So what, he just went home and started sending you emails for no reason? The whole thing seems very odd. Are you saying you were out with your friends minding your own business and decided to leave when you saw him. Then he went over to your friends and started trash talking about you for no reason, then went home and emailed you the 3 messages you wrote about above for no reason at all? Is that how it went down? What in the world happened to bring his anger that way? Did your friends tell you what caused him to do that? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ilovedhim Posted January 27, 2012 Author Share Posted January 27, 2012 That's how he is, very short fuse. But he saw me walk out and i guess found it disrespectful or whatever. And lashed out at my friend. She was calm and civil the entire time which irritated him even more. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 27, 2012 Share Posted January 27, 2012 If he did that the guy is still in love with you. What are you gonna do about it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ilovedhim Posted January 27, 2012 Author Share Posted January 27, 2012 How do you know that? My friend said she saw hate in his eyes and voice. And why would he be getting engaged. Maybe he's in love but not with me lol Link to post Share on other sites
lalalandman Posted January 27, 2012 Share Posted January 27, 2012 Apart from how you feel, if what you say is true, I really think he's making a huge mistake. For himself. Because he obviously has unresolved feelings. How could he possibly marry someone right now? I just don't think he realizes his folly. He's blinded. (Un)fortunately that has nothing to do with you at this point. It's his life. He makes his own choices. You ALSO have to be conscious of the choices you are making. Tread carefully with your new relationship. I personally always think it is best to resolve your feelings after a serious breakup, before getting too serious with anyone. That is my personal opinion from personal experience. And it doesn't sound like you've done that. At all. Neither of you have done this. So yes, I do agree with others: Stop pointing blame. You both got to this point together. But you can't save him. You can only save yourself. So do good for yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 27, 2012 Share Posted January 27, 2012 How do you know that? My friend said she saw hate in his eyes and voice. And why would he be getting engaged. Maybe he's in love but not with me lol Because if he wasn't still in love with you he would be indifferent. Here he is engaged to be married to someone and the mere site of you (minding your own business) throws him into rage. He's got some unresolved feeling going on. Also I remember when I was in my 20's and one of my ex's got engaged and was steaming mad that I wasn't angry about it. Finally years later after he had married her he told me he had really wanted to marry me and thought when he told me he was engaged that I would show my feelings (as I am somewhat aloof) and tell him "but you belong to me". Sounds like the same thing your ex is doing. Link to post Share on other sites
Wesker Posted January 28, 2012 Share Posted January 28, 2012 How can this be possible? I found out about it a few weeks ago and have been trying to just ignore it but it's not working. We broke up only 3 months ago and have been NC since with only 2 incidents of breaking it. Now I'm wondering if everything we've lived was a lie. Has he been cheating on me? When I replay our relationship through my head it doesn't seem possible that he was cheating. Our relationship was a bit tumultuous. Nonetheless he asked me to marry him just this September!!! Then when I told him it's not something I wanted, everything went downhill from there and officially broke up in October. But he knew I loved him and wanted him in my life. I made this very clear! The worst thing is I found out through a facebook profile, hers, that appeared in the suggestions, he and everyone we knew in common are blocked. I wish I didn't click on it. He has pics of them during the holidays, their engagement pics and of course that relationship status. It seems the more time goes by I just have more questions. But I don't want to break NC because I'm going to sound so irrational if I speak to him. Please help me get past this. What should I do? Wow. Talk about Deja Vu. You think that's bad. My ex of almost 8 years dumped me last June, and in 3 months got engaged to this D-Bag old enough to be her dad. And of course now they are married. To make it worse, we both work at the same place. Fortunately I don't have to see her everyday. Seeing her rush in with someone else so fast did make me wonder if I wasted 8 good years of my life. I wouldn't say there were problems, because there were, like all relationships. Communication was the biggest. One thing I've learned is that even the littlest thing can grow into hug problems if you can't talk about it. I also found out recently that my b**ch of an ex, and her Idiot are moving out to Arizona in a few weeks. Prolly a blessing for me. For fun, I actually took in a pool with my friends that her whole marriage won't last more than 2 years. Not that I ever expect to hear from her ever again, bug word always seems to get around. Link to post Share on other sites
Mme. Chaucer Posted January 28, 2012 Share Posted January 28, 2012 So IS his fiance the same person he was cheating on you with back in October? Link to post Share on other sites
Confused728 Posted January 30, 2012 Share Posted January 30, 2012 I can't understand what Would propell these guys to marry so quickly. My ex didn't seem like the marrying type and I never ever thought he would run off move in with someone and get engaged all in less than three months.. Then married. Sometimes I feel he did it out of spite. I used to tell him he was never going to Grow up I feel he kind of did it to prove me wrong. I think he must have had to reflect on what I thought at some point. He did tell me a month before he ran off and did this that he missed me, loved me, wished that he could cuddle with me because it's been to long, and that he regretted everything he did. He said that he would probably always love me and that he would probably always have a soft spot for me. That he compared everyone else to me. I don't know how he would just run off and marry someone so quickly. Someone did tell me that he gave his new spouse a nickname that was very similar to mine. And that he had his bachelors party at a place that I go to almost three Times a week, luckily I didn't go the night that his party was. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ilovedhim Posted January 31, 2012 Author Share Posted January 31, 2012 So IS his fiance the same person he was cheating on you with back in October? I doubt it but have no way of really knowing. Even if I ask him he won't tell me the truth. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ilovedhim Posted January 31, 2012 Author Share Posted January 31, 2012 Wow. Talk about Deja Vu. You think that's bad. My ex of almost 8 years dumped me last June, and in 3 months got engaged to this D-Bag old enough to be her dad. And of course now they are married. To make it worse, we both work at the same place. Fortunately I don't have to see her everyday. Seeing her rush in with someone else so fast did make me wonder if I wasted 8 good years of my life. I wouldn't say there were problems, because there were, like all relationships. Communication was the biggest. One thing I've learned is that even the littlest thing can grow into hug problems if you can't talk about it. I also found out recently that my b**ch of an ex, and her Idiot are moving out to Arizona in a few weeks. Prolly a blessing for me. For fun, I actually took in a pool with my friends that her whole marriage won't last more than 2 years. Not that I ever expect to hear from her ever again, bug word always seems to get around. No experience is a waste. Your subsequent relationships will be better because of this. My relationship before this one was about 5 years, a little longer if you count the break-up and getting back together during last 2. Funny communication was a problem with us as well, ironically is the most important in long term relationships, even more than love that goes and comes with time. Lucky, lucky you your ex is leaving! What a blessing Link to post Share on other sites
Author ilovedhim Posted January 31, 2012 Author Share Posted January 31, 2012 Because if he wasn't still in love with you he would be indifferent. Here he is engaged to be married to someone and the mere site of you (minding your own business) throws him into rage. He's got some unresolved feeling going on. Also I remember when I was in my 20's and one of my ex's got engaged and was steaming mad that I wasn't angry about it. Finally years later after he had married her he told me he had really wanted to marry me and thought when he told me he was engaged that I would show my feelings (as I am somewhat aloof) and tell him "but you belong to me". Sounds like the same thing your ex is doing. Of course he has unresolved feelings, we never discussed the end of our R!!! Mainly because I didn't want to hear more lies and would rather hear nothing! Good for you not getting involved in his drama. Did you ever regret not stopping him? If my ex thinks I would try to stop him he'll be waiting a long time. True I don't want marriage for myself but I do respect other people's. People use marriage as a weapon. Link to post Share on other sites
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