Ex got engaged only 2 months after our break-up!!!

[ilovedhim]

How can this be possible? I found out about it a few weeks ago and have been trying to just ignore it but it's not working. We broke up only 3 months ago and have been NC since with only 2 incidents of breaking it.

 

Now I'm wondering if everything we've lived was a lie. Has he been cheating on me? When I replay our relationship through my head it doesn't seem possible that he was cheating. Our relationship was a bit tumultuous. Nonetheless he asked me to marry him just this September!!! Then when I told him it's not something I wanted, everything went downhill from there and officially broke up in October. But he knew I loved him and wanted him in my life. I made this very clear!

 

The worst thing is I found out through a facebook profile, hers, that appeared in the suggestions, he and everyone we knew in common are blocked. I wish I didn't click on it. He has pics of them during the holidays, their engagement pics and of course that relationship status.

 

It seems the more time goes by I just have more questions. But I don't want to break NC because I'm going to sound so irrational if I speak to him.

 

Please help me get past this. What should I do?

[Jono85]

How can this be possible? I found out about it a few weeks ago and have been trying to just ignore it but it's not working. We broke up only 3 months ago and have been NC since with only 2 incidents of breaking it.

 

Now I'm wondering if everything we've lived was a lie. Has he been cheating on me? When I replay our relationship through my head it doesn't seem possible that he was cheating. Our relationship was a bit tumultuous. Nonetheless he asked me to marry him just this September!!! Then when I told him it's not something I wanted, everything went downhill from there and officially broke up in October. But he knew I loved him and wanted him in my life. I made this very clear!

 

The worst thing is I found out through a facebook profile, hers, that appeared in the suggestions, he and everyone we knew in common are blocked. I wish I didn't click on it. He has pics of them during the holidays, their engagement pics and of course that relationship status.

 

It seems the more time goes by I just have more questions. But I don't want to break NC because I'm going to sound so irrational if I speak to him.

 

Please help me get past this. What should I do?

 

when you say "not something i wanted", what does that mean? does that mean not something you ever wanted? does it mean that you're not ready for that with him at that time, but a definite possibility for the future? you didn't really elaborate on that.

[EM47]

Why do you care if he's engaged or married or turned gay or anything...it's over. Doesn't matter at the end of the day if he gets engaged in 2 months or 2 years or 20 years. Don't think about him.

[ilovedhim]

when you say "not something i wanted", what does that mean? does that mean not something you ever wanted? does it mean that you're not ready for that with him at that time, but a definite possibility for the future? you didn't really elaborate on that.

 

The conversation went like this: he told me he wants me to meet his family because we're going to get married. I was shocked since he never brought it up before. I told him marriage is not something I wanted, ever really. He then called his family to cancel. And never talked about it again.

[leoc1973]

OK as a man if a woman told me that she didn't want to get married I would take it as she see's no future with me. I know its horrible but society has conditioned us men to think (well and know) that women when they love you want to marry you. Did you not see yourself with him forever? Is it just a thing that you don't believe in marriage? Why didn't you want to marry him?

 

As far as the already engaged thing. That may come crashing down like a house of cards. There is no way that(as a man) I could want to marry someone right after I broke up with someone else whom I asked to marry me. Unless this guy is just weird or has been married 4 times already.

 

This has rebound relationship all over it. He might feel like he's in love but if you do some research on it you will find out that the love is just transfered from you. Its not real! Do you want him back? And who actually broke up with who? Are you using nc to heal or to win him back?

[Star Gazer]

Why do you care if he's engaged or married or turned gay or anything...it's over. Doesn't matter at the end of the day if he gets engaged in 2 months or 2 years or 20 years. Don't think about him.

 

So much easier said than done.

[stillafool]

I'll bet you anything he already had this girl in the wings before he broke up with you. If you knew you never wanted to get married you really can't be angry with him because he does and has someone who wants to marry him as well. You've just got to let it go at this point. I would suggest in the future you tell guys you don't ever want to get married to make sure you both are on the same page about marriage before you get serious with them.

[carhill]

I went back and read that thread. IMO, the experience with you clarified some issues in his mind and he subsequently pursued a like-minded individual who apparently doesn't have your perspective regarding marriage. The timeline perhaps gives me pause, but it's not outside of the LS realm of experience. If he was otherwise healthy when receiving the 'curve ball' from you, he was ready and needed an equally ready partner. He evidently found one.

 

Since your perspectives and styles were evidently incompatible, you missed. Breakups suck (divorces suck too) but are a part of life. Time to heal, leave him to his betrothal, and move on.

[ilovedhim]

I went back and read that thread. IMO, the experience with you clarified some issues in his mind and he subsequently pursued a like-minded individual who apparently doesn't have your perspective regarding marriage. The timeline perhaps gives me pause, but it's not outside of the LS realm of experience. If he was otherwise healthy when receiving the 'curve ball' from you, he was ready and needed an equally ready partner. He evidently found one.

 

Since your perspectives and styles were evidently incompatible, you missed. Breakups suck (divorces suck too) but are a part of life. Time to heal, leave him to his betrothal, and move on.

 

But does it makes sense that it's so soon? Two months? He did change considerably after that night. I don't understand what the rush to get married is. He never even gave me a chance, even after telling me he can't imagine spending his life with anyone else. Was it all a lie?

[ilovedhim]

OK as a man if a woman told me that she didn't want to get married I would take it as she see's no future with me. I know its horrible but society has conditioned us men to think (well and know) that women when they love you want to marry you. Did you not see yourself with him forever? Is it just a thing that you don't believe in marriage? Why didn't you want to marry him?

 

As far as the already engaged thing. That may come crashing down like a house of cards. There is no way that(as a man) I could want to marry someone right after I broke up with someone else whom I asked to marry me. Unless this guy is just weird or has been married 4 times already.

 

This has rebound relationship all over it. He might feel like he's in love but if you do some research on it you will find out that the love is just transfered from you. Its not real! Do you want him back? And who actually broke up with who? Are you using nc to heal or to win him back?

 

Why does he need a piece of paper to know I love him and want to be with him forever? Didn't my actions, words, talks, being with him show him this?

 

He's never been married before. This is just so strange. I thought it was a rebound, but to get engaged???

 

We had a fight and I didn't like the way he was treating me. So we stopped talking then a few days later he contacted me and I didn't respond until a few weeks later. We had another fight and I told him I was seeing someone else (a lie). He didn't contact me again until weeks later. By that time I was in NC mode, for healing. But now I'm thinking I want him back!

Edited January 23, 2012 by ilovedhim

[Graceful]

I'll bet you anything he already had this girl in the wings before he broke up with you. If you knew you never wanted to get married you really can't be angry with him because he does and has someone who wants to marry him as well. You've just got to let it go at this point. I would suggest in the future you tell guys you don't ever want to get married to make sure you both are on the same page about marriage before you get serious with them.

 

Yes, Yup, and absolutely.

 

If there's one thing that is buzzkill to a relationship it's being out of sync on the issue of marriage. Once it is out in the open that one partner wants marriage in the future and the other doesn't, then there is *no* future for that relationship, now is there?

 

Done and done. What's left but the EXIT sign?

 

I've seen this time and time again. Out of a dead end relationship, the partner that wants marriage finds a like-minded person and makes it happen.

 

His business is not your business. You only knew him for a few months. He's just some guy you dated for a while. Put him in the history dating file and do the suggested action above next time: if you get yourself into a relationship that is getting serious, have the marriage conversation and clear the air. Don't be so naive next time.

 

And be gracious about this and don't contact him. Nothing good can or will come of it. Chances are he had someone on the back burner, but what difference does it make now? All the more reason for you to be glad he's your ex. On the grand scale of life, this is not such a disaster. Learn from it and from that standpoint, it will have been a profitable use of your time, if you know what I mean. I learned something just reading about it.

[ilovedhim]

Why do you care if he's engaged or married or turned gay or anything...it's over. Doesn't matter at the end of the day if he gets engaged in 2 months or 2 years or 20 years. Don't think about him.

 

Because I didn't want it to be this way.

[ilovedhim]

Wow 2 months is amazingly fast. It's even fast to start a new relationship, let alone get engaged.

 

We need more information to go on to try piece this together, for example how long were you together before he asked to marry you?

about a year

 

What ages are you both?

31, him 32 and the woman he's engaged to is 40 and has kids

 

I think there is a clue when you said "He asked me to marry him just this September!!! Then when I told him it's not something I wanted, everything went downhill from there and officially broke up in October". He still proposed despite the fact things were 'tumultuous'.

 

Getting engaged like this is beyond wreckless. I have had 3 honeymoon periods in my life, where I thought wow this is going sooo well. The potential is HUGE, only for things to unravel further down the line. He seems to be in a major rush to get married. There could be numerous reasons for this..

 

The CRUCIAL thing is to try stop focusing on those reasons. Those reasons do not matter. It will achieve nothing and you will never get the answers you are looking for. You just have to accept his thought process's/views on life are different to yours and you will never fully understand him. Best you found this out now. I honestly believe you have had a lucky escape. He doesn't come across as very mature and he seems to be riddled with insecurities. You told him you loved/wanted him and he still left. He seems to be looking to fill gaps in his life. People fill gaps in different ways. Maybe getting married is a security blanket for him, maybe he is trying to escape something. Either way it doesn't matter. You have to try gain acceptance and move forward. Easy for me to say...The next few months will be vicious. When your mind wanders to him, try bring it back to you..Its not easy but if you can make a pact to do something small positive every day you will slowly come out of this. Right now you are in a state of shock. Sadly it will get worse before it gets better as the shock wears off. The only thing I can promise is that it will get better and the chances of you being part of something special and long term is FAR greater then his chances of making this work...For her to say 'yes' means she has as many gaps/issues as he does. When the reality of life gets in the way of the fairytale/magical thinking, it is a long fall back down to earth..

 

Focus on you..He is a train wreck waiting to happen..There is nothing you can do to change that. Move on with your life and find something he will probably never have..

 

I answered your questions in bold above.

 

Thank you so much for this Everytime my mind wonders I'll re-read it, you make very valid points. He does have alot of insecurities and gaps in his life due to his childhood. And when my mind is thinking straight I know it's best we parted. But it doesn't mean I still don't think about what could've been. I'm in shock and really just want to know why he's doing this.

[CaliBabe]

Gosh, I can't imagine how you feel. Either way it must be very painful. I guess all you can do at this point is accept his decision and try to continue on that path of betterment. I am so sorry for your pain.

[nature]

This sounds like a super rebound relationship to me. He was probably very hurt by your rejection to his marriage wishes.

[stillafool]

We had a fight and I didn't like the way he was treating me. So we stopped talking then a few days later he contacted me and I didn't respond until a few weeks later. We had another fight and I told him I was seeing someone else (a lie). He didn't contact me again until weeks later. By that time I was in NC mode, for healing. But now I'm thinking I want him back!

 

You were playing games. No one wants to be pushed and pulled. Next time don't play games but be honest about how you feel and what you want. This is a big lesson learned for you. (I hope.)

[Kamila]

You were playing games. No one wants to be pushed and pulled. Next time don't play games but be honest about how you feel and what you want. This is a big lesson learned for you. (I hope.)

Well, isn't love just a big 'serious' game in real life ? At the end, we show our cards, and that's how we know who wins and loses. Apparently she lost her love. She wanted him but not the marriage stuff, that was enough for her. He wanted both.

 

ilovedhim, I also had a pull and push game at the end of my 2.5 y relationship with my ex-bf. We started our relationship with the commitment of living together, having kids and so on... After a year my bf didn't want those things anymore. I tried to convince him that it work and that he shouldn't be afraid. The more i insisted, the more he retracted. Not to mention, he was the one to first talk about serious commitment. I was sceptical that it was soon, but' being in lov'e, i followed him and got more and more involved emotionally.

 

When he said at the one year mark he wanted to leave it, i couldn't process it. I couldn't think straight. I just wanted to go further with him and do the whole living together thing. And that's when it went downhill. My ex-bf tried to make it work sure, but he DIDN't WANT IT ANYMORE. We pushed and pull. When he said he didn't want kids anymore, I got angry and told him he gave me the idea. Then he wanted me back, but then he got to his normal state again and got hurtful towards me. It was just insane.

 

He changed his mind and I was left with a broken dream.

Rejection can be very hard and I still am angry at him because he shattered the dream he gave me. It's unfair.

 

But in your case, you never gave him the dream, you never said that you wanted marriage. Maybe he should have waited who knows, you would have come around. You were together 6 months...

 

But now he left and he's marrying someone else. Why is she marrying him that soon ? That's the strangest thing I think in this whole story. How can you know you want to marry someone after 2 months ? Maybe he has known her for more than that period. But then again, that's how he works, how he feels. Once you say no to him, it's final. In my case, I left my bf with many chances to show me he meant it with me. I gave him multiple chances before I left him.

 

But like the above poster said, it's primal to be clear before a relationship gets serious how you think about marriage and kids and not the whole 'we'll see when we get there, or how things go...'.

That's what I learnt, but in practice it's much more difficult to be assertive towards the one you love. It's not easy at all.

[leedlee1]

The conversation went like this: he told me he wants me to meet his family because we're going to get married. I was shocked since he never brought it up before. I told him marriage is not something I wanted, ever really. He then called his family to cancel. And never talked about it again.

 

 

What was he supposed to do?? You clearly tell him you NEVER want to marry him and yet go on and say marriage is nothing but a piece of paper?. To you maybe but to him it was obviously something very important. No offence but you come across as very selfish.

 

If you loved him and wanted to be with him forever then why is marriage such a bad thing??, trust me there's plenty of guys who will never commit to you out there.

[ilovedhim]

This sounds like a super rebound relationship to me. He was probably very hurt by your rejection to his marriage wishes.

 

I think so too but to go as far as being engaged? Especially since he wants children and she already has kids and is already 40/41 years old, 10 years older than us.

[ilovedhim]

You were playing games. No one wants to be pushed and pulled. Next time don't play games but be honest about how you feel and what you want. This is a big lesson learned for you. (I hope.)

 

I told him I was seeing someone so he leaves me alone because he was starting to be very abusive. Then a friend of his saw me with my now boyfriend and probably told him. But throughout the relationship I was very honest about how I feel. HE was the one playing games, and might have been cheating this entire time.

[ilovedhim]

But in your case, you never gave him the dream, you never said that you wanted marriage. Maybe he should have waited who knows, you would have come around. You were together 6 months...

 

But now he left and he's marrying someone else. Why is she marrying him that soon ? That's the strangest thing I think in this whole story. How can you know you want to marry someone after 2 months ? Maybe he has known her for more than that period. But then again, that's how he works, how he feels. Once you say no to him, it's final. In my case, I left my bf with many chances to show me he meant it with me. I gave him multiple chances before I left him.

 

I don't understand what he's doing? It's like he's working off a deadline!

 

Sorry for your pain, rejection is tough. But I didn't reject him, I told him I wasn't expecting him to want to get married.

[ilovedhim]

What was he supposed to do?? You clearly tell him you NEVER want to marry him and yet go on and say marriage is nothing but a piece of paper?. To you maybe but to him it was obviously something very important. No offence but you come across as very selfish.

 

If you loved him and wanted to be with him forever then why is marriage such a bad thing??, trust me there's plenty of guys who will never commit to you out there.

 

He's the one that was being selfish. Marry me or I will dump you and marry the first available woman? wtf?

[gibson]

He's the one that was being selfish. Marry me or I will dump you and marry the first available woman? wtf?

 

Wait... What?

 

They wanted different things, they broke up and the OP already moved on and was dating someone else. What is he suppose to do? Stay single forever and wait around wishing, hoping and praying the OP breaks up with the new guy, decides she wants to marry and hope it's him?

 

I see, you are one of those. Anyone the dumps you needs your permission or they are totally selfish because anyone that dates you it's "till death do us part" or until you want to dump them. You don't actually love or care about the person you are with, what they want and what makes them happy. It's about about you... You decide what is best, what is right, what is acceptable, what they should want, what makes them happy, etc.

 

If I am with someone and I decided that I want to get married, I am suppose just forget about what I want, what is important to me and just stay with them?

 

If I am with someone and I decided that I want to have kids, I am suppose just forget about what I want, what is important to me and just stay with them?

 

If I am with someone and they decide they want an open relationship, I am suppose just forget about what I want, what is important to me and just stay with them?

 

When I am dating / in a relationship / "courting" someone... I am not going to forget about me, what I want, what I need, what is important to me just to be with someone that no longer wants the same things as I do.

 

Regardless of him rebounding and marrying someone else in 2 months...

 

I wouldn't want to be with someone that wants to give up who they are, what's important to them, their goals, passions, desires, etc. to be with me and I wouldn't be with someone that expected that of me.

Edited January 24, 2012 by gibson

[ilovedhim]

Wait... What?

 

They wanted different things, they broke up and the OP already moved on and was dating someone else. What is he suppose to do? Stay single forever and wait around wishing, hoping and praying the OP breaks up with the new guy, decides she wants to marry and hope it's him?

 

Where did I say he should stay single forever? I'm not stupid enough to think that. The question in my head is how can he get engaged so fast. That's a life altering decision. He brought up marriage once, then moved on.

 

I see, you are one of those. Anyone the dumps you needs your permission or they are totally selfish because anyone that dates you it's "till death do us part" or until you want to dump them. You don't actually love or care about the person you are with, what they want and what makes them happy. It's about about you... You decide what is best, what is right, what is acceptable, what they should want, what makes them happy, etc.

 

If this were true he would dump me not want to marry me, correct?

 

If I am with someone and I decided that I want to get married, I am suppose just forget about what I want, what is important to me and just stay with them?

 

What about compromise? Isn't that what LTRs are about?

 

If I am with someone and I decided that I want to have kids, I am suppose just forget about what I want, what is important to me and just stay with them?

 

Again compromise. I was coming around to the kids thing. And now he's marrying someone who already has kids and is in her 40's!!!!!

 

If I am with someone and they decide they want an open relationship, I am suppose just forget about what I want, what is important to me and just stay with them?

 

No that is going backwards. Although that is between the couple to decide not us.

 

When I am dating / in a relationship / "courting" someone... I am not going to forget about me, what I want, what I need, what is important to me just to be with someone that no longer wants the same things as I do.

 

Regardless of him rebounding and marrying someone else in 2 months...

 

The essence of selfishness, no?

 

I wouldn't want to be with someone that wants to give up who they are, what's important to them, their goals, passions, desires, etc. to be with me and I wouldn't be with someone that expected that of me.

 

Come to think of it , he never told me to stop reaching for my goals, but often put me down for it. Since he was in a 'secure' job. And these things you mention are figured out in the first weeks of a relationship.

 

 

Responses in bold above.

[stillafool]

I told him I was seeing someone so he leaves me alone because he was starting to be very abusive. Then a friend of his saw me with my now boyfriend and probably told him. But throughout the relationship I was very honest about how I feel. HE was the one playing games, and might have been cheating this entire time.

 

 

So you already have a new boyfriend but are worrying about the fact that he got engaged too fast?

 

When your ex contacted you in a few days after your argument and you waited a few weeks to call him back that was playing games. Then when you contacted him you told him a lie that you were seeing someone else - another game. What did you expect? He has needs as well. You now have a boyfriend so you weren't too far from telling the truth. Were you cheating as well? If in fact your ex was abusive and wasn't treating you very nice, you should be glad he is out of your life but instead you want him back. It sounds like you are still playing games.