Author ilovedhim Posted January 24, 2012 Author Share Posted January 24, 2012 So you already have a new boyfriend but are worrying about the fact that he got engaged too fast? When your ex contacted you in a few days after your argument and you waited a few weeks to call him back that was playing games. Then when you contacted him you told him a lie that you were seeing someone else - another game. What did you expect? He has needs as well. You now have a boyfriend so you weren't too far from telling the truth. Were you cheating as well? If in fact your ex was abusive and wasn't treating you very nice, you should be glad he is out of your life but instead you want him back. It sounds like you are still playing games. Never. I would never, ever cheat on someone if we have an understanding of monogamy. And have zero tolerance for cheaters. The relationship ended relatively recently and I still go back and forth about whether I did the right thing. Hoever, if he was cheating this entire time it would immediately put an end to any desire left at reconciliation. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 24, 2012 Share Posted January 24, 2012 So what about your current boyfriend? You are willing to date him and still desire your ex and thinking about reconciliation with him even though he is engaged to another. Is that fair? Link to post Share on other sites
lalalandman Posted January 24, 2012 Share Posted January 24, 2012 lol you have no idea what you want Link to post Share on other sites
Author ilovedhim Posted January 24, 2012 Author Share Posted January 24, 2012 So what about your current boyfriend? You are willing to date him and still desire your ex and thinking about reconciliation with him even though he is engaged to another. Is that fair? No. My new BF and I aren't serious yet. I've stayed away from my ex and haven't contacted him and don't plan on contacting him. Only time will tell if I made the right choice. It looks like he moved on anyway. Or maybe he was just playing with me this entire time and my instincts were right to ignore him. lol you have no idea what you want Perhaps. But I know what I don't want. Link to post Share on other sites
lalalandman Posted January 24, 2012 Share Posted January 24, 2012 Yea we know. You already told him that so what is your issue lol Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 24, 2012 Share Posted January 24, 2012 How does the new non-serious boyfriend feel about marriage? I ask because part of life experience is learning from past experience and putting those lessons to work to make future experience healthy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ilovedhim Posted January 24, 2012 Author Share Posted January 24, 2012 How does the new non-serious boyfriend feel about marriage? I ask because part of life experience is learning from past experience and putting those lessons to work to make future experience healthy. We haven't gotten that far yet. If I bring it up he'll probably think I'm pushing too fast. When is a good time to talk about these things without scaring them away? Link to post Share on other sites
geegirl Posted January 24, 2012 Share Posted January 24, 2012 No. My new BF and I aren't serious yet. I've stayed away from my ex and haven't contacted him and don't plan on contacting him. Only time will tell if I made the right choice. It looks like he moved on anyway. Or maybe he was just playing with me this entire time and my instincts were right to ignore him. I think you need to stop focusing on what is transpiring with his life and analyzing his choices. The moment he realized his long term goals were not in line with yours, he made a choice to move on. Whatever transpired after your break-up has nothing to do with you. You are causing yourself injustice by focusing on how he's orchestrating his life rather than investing yourself fully in your own relationship. If someone came to me and presented such news about my ex, I wouldn't be moved. It's because I have no emotional attachment to him anymore and his past, present and future has no bearing on me. You should truly remove yourself from the attachment you have with your ex before you step into the life of someone else. You never want to shortchange someone who is coming to the table fully invested. Link to post Share on other sites
lalalandman Posted January 24, 2012 Share Posted January 24, 2012 (edited) If you think you'll be scaring them away then it's probably not a good time to bring it up. It's better to bring the issue up nonchalantly. What I mean is, don't direct marriage towards him. Just see how he feels on the issue in general. Edited January 24, 2012 by lalalandman Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 24, 2012 Share Posted January 24, 2012 We haven't gotten that far yet. If I bring it up he'll probably think I'm pushing too fast. When is a good time to talk about these things without scaring them away? The women I've dated since my divorce asked me that general question on the first date. I took no offense at all and answered them honestly. I have been married. IMO, you and these men are in your 30's. You're not teenagers. Communicate. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ilovedhim Posted January 24, 2012 Author Share Posted January 24, 2012 Guess the fact of the matter is i realized we couldn't continue and that is what i should take from all this and just move forward. Because t doesn't matter whether or not he was cheating, playing games, using me, lying to my face, or that he has no integrity. In the end the decision was made and i need to stick with it and forget about him. It just hurts that this person i was so close to i didn't even know the real him. Just thinking he was lying to me the entire time is so painful. Link to post Share on other sites
Dark Phoenix Posted January 25, 2012 Share Posted January 25, 2012 God, I so understand his side of the story, I almost did the same thing when I went through my burnout. A couple things, its a phase, he will 180 back to normal within 2-3 years. He wont get married, he will actually self destruct that relationship before it comes to it. I got lucky and self destructed it before I jumped. The girl I was going to jump to was married in 5 months. My advice to you, you have to detach yourself from the past. The breakup had nothing to do with you (remember this) Nothing to do with you. You could not have stopped it even if you got married. It was unresolved issues from his past that caused him to self destruct and burn out. Whatever you choose to do now is up to you but you have to detach yourself from him in every means possible and move on. Good Luck Remember, he's not the same person you fell in love with right now. You knew the "REAL" him. Detach yourself from now him. Link to post Share on other sites
Kamila Posted January 25, 2012 Share Posted January 25, 2012 We haven't gotten that far yet. If I bring it up he'll probably think I'm pushing too fast. When is a good time to talk about these things without scaring them away? When is a good time to talk about these things without scaring them away? The sooner, the better. My ex-bf asked me that question on our first date. He was all marriage/kids/blabla, and I agreed. So I thought that was where we were going... but in the end we didn't. Because he didn't know what he wanted in life. He dated someone else and she also asked him that question on marriage and kids. Then he asked me why women are wanting those things. I told him, well, some women are just like that, they want security, a commitment, something to build upon. I don't know if he understood it. Why should it be taboo or scare people off ? It's just plain honesty. And why be with someone that is easily scared off ? Why be with someone who doesn't share the same long-term goals ? I would just ask him, to avoid any hurt in the future. And yes, communication is key here. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ilovedhim Posted January 25, 2012 Author Share Posted January 25, 2012 When is a good time to talk about these things without scaring them away? The sooner, the better. My ex-bf asked me that question on our first date. He was all marriage/kids/blabla, and I agreed. So I thought that was where we were going... but in the end we didn't. Because he didn't know what he wanted in life. He dated someone else and she also asked him that question on marriage and kids. Then he asked me why women are wanting those things. I told him, well, some women are just like that, they want security, a commitment, something to build upon. I don't know if he understood it. Why should it be taboo or scare people off ? It's just plain honesty. And why be with someone that is easily scared off ? Why be with someone who doesn't share the same long-term goals ? I would just ask him, to avoid any hurt in the future. And yes, communication is key here. Agreed, why should such questions scare people off. And why should answers scare people off if they are the honest truth. But how many people are truthful on their first date, especially when meeting for the first time? And like your story, who knows what will happen in the future? Well, I never said I didn't see him as a long-term BF, quite the opposite. I told him I can't imagine my life without him. People think all little girls dream of their wedding dress, blah blah blah. I NEVER did. And actually never thought about children until I met him. Communication between us sucked. We were making progress, or so I thought. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ilovedhim Posted January 25, 2012 Author Share Posted January 25, 2012 God, I so understand his side of the story, I almost did the same thing when I went through my burnout. A couple things, its a phase, he will 180 back to normal within 2-3 years. He wont get married, he will actually self destruct that relationship before it comes to it. I got lucky and self destructed it before I jumped. The girl I was going to jump to was married in 5 months. My advice to you, you have to detach yourself from the past. The breakup had nothing to do with you (remember this) Nothing to do with you. You could not have stopped it even if you got married. It was unresolved issues from his past that caused him to self destruct and burn out. Whatever you choose to do now is up to you but you have to detach yourself from him in every means possible and move on. Good Luck Remember, he's not the same person you fell in love with right now. You knew the "REAL" him. Detach yourself from now him. Oh, wow. You lucked out. He hasn't logged into any of his online dating profiles since before we met. So I assume he either knew her from before or met her one night at some bar. In this city all it takes for a ONS is to go out Detaching?indifference requires forgiveness and I refuse to forgive him since he hasn't even apologized for all the hurtful stuff he's done to me. His only response was you weren't an angel either. Huh? Link to post Share on other sites
geegirl Posted January 25, 2012 Share Posted January 25, 2012 Detaching?indifference requires forgiveness and I refuse to forgive him since he hasn't even apologized for all the hurtful stuff he's done to me. His only response was you weren't an angel either. Huh? This is why you will always be stuck, festering and bitter. Forgiveness is not about waiting for an apology. If it was, we'd all be counting the days, indefinitely. Forgiveness is about letting go. It doesn't come from his awareness to apologize. It comes from your awareness to accept and move on. There was a poster that came on here recently that was up in knots, unable to let go after 8 years. Wasted years. You can do that too but why not start to get the baggage of your shoulders and make room for what's ahead of you and that is this new guy who may just give you what you want and hope for. Let go. Get the poison out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ilovedhim Posted January 25, 2012 Author Share Posted January 25, 2012 Last night I was out having drinks with friends when my ex walked in. Still raw I didn't want to see or talk to him so I left but didn't know he had seen me. My friend told me he walked up to her and started yelling at her, she was scared. He said things like he would never stoop so low to approach me, that he moved on. She said she has no idea what he's talking about and her BF pushed him away from their table. Later last night I received a series of VERY long emails. I skimmed through them, haven't read everything because the content is so hurtful. To summarize: Email 1: Stop your nonsense ... will never intrude on your privacy Email 2: annoying ... I'm not that kind of person Email 3: he has a girlfriend (didn't call her fiance) .. don't need to involve friends ... enjoy your life with THAT significant other because I have moved on ... It is sad we ended it like this I responded very coldly asking him to stop contacting me, that he's harrassing me and I want him to stop. And I outlined how he hurt me and never apologized. And I want nothing to do with him. He sent another email not respecting my wishes to not contact, which I won't respond to: maybe one day we will become friends ... if you want to live thinking I wronged you and you were a complete angel then so be it Ukh. What a gem I let slip, eh? Even if I would have changed my mind and gotten married, this guy doesn't have what it takes for a LTR. He would probably bail at the first fight. Actually that's a fact considering his past behavior. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ilovedhim Posted January 25, 2012 Author Share Posted January 25, 2012 This is why you will always be stuck, festering and bitter. Forgiveness is not about waiting for an apology. If it was, we'd all be counting the days, indefinitely. Forgiveness is about letting go. It doesn't come from his awareness to apologize. It comes from your awareness to accept and move on. There was a poster that came on here recently that was up in knots, unable to let go after 8 years. Wasted years. You can do that too but why not start to get the baggage of your shoulders and make room for what's ahead of you and that is this new guy who may just give you what you want and hope for. Let go. Get the poison out. It's difficult. I have a list of quotes I read when I start thinking about him. Mostly I feel like an idiot for allowing this guy to take up a year of my life and just want acknowledgement for all the hurt he caused me. Looks like I'll never get it. Link to post Share on other sites
geegirl Posted January 25, 2012 Share Posted January 25, 2012 (edited) Maybe this will help you to finally close the door without looking back. It is truly what you need to help you let go. You will never get that apology. If you do, thank the gods for swinging it your way. You have to find the ability to forgive within and it will come in time when you slowly detach and move on. Edited January 25, 2012 by geegirl Link to post Share on other sites
lalalandman Posted January 25, 2012 Share Posted January 25, 2012 Wow this story took a turn. And here you thought he had completely moved on. Obviously not. But the same goes for you. Do you think it's a good idea to continue with your current relationship? GeeGirl...8 years and still bitter? How does that happen? Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 25, 2012 Share Posted January 25, 2012 Last night I was out having drinks with friends when my ex walked in. Still raw I didn't want to see or talk to him so I left but didn't know he had seen me. My friend told me he walked up to her and started yelling at her, she was scared. He said things like he would never stoop so low to approach me, that he moved on. She said she has no idea what he's talking about and her BF pushed him away from their table. Later last night I received a series of VERY long emails. I skimmed through them, haven't read everything because the content is so hurtful. To summarize: Email 1: Stop your nonsense ... will never intrude on your privacy Email 2: annoying ... I'm not that kind of person Email 3: he has a girlfriend (didn't call her fiance) .. don't need to involve friends ... enjoy your life with THAT significant other because I have moved on ... It is sad we ended it like this I responded very coldly asking him to stop contacting me, that he's harrassing me and I want him to stop. And I outlined how he hurt me and never apologized. And I want nothing to do with him. He sent another email not respecting my wishes to not contact, which I won't respond to: maybe one day we will become friends ... if you want to live thinking I wronged you and you were a complete angel then so be it Ukh. What a gem I let slip, eh? Even if I would have changed my mind and gotten married, this guy doesn't have what it takes for a LTR. He would probably bail at the first fight. Actually that's a fact considering his past behavior. So he just emailed you all those emails out of the blue for no reason at all? Link to post Share on other sites
geegirl Posted January 25, 2012 Share Posted January 25, 2012 GeeGirl...8 years and still bitter? How does that happen? Beats me. I was baffled when I read it. He found out she was getting married and he wanted to contact for closure and an apology because he could not forgive her for the things she did to him. Too many years wasted focusing on the past. Link to post Share on other sites
melenkurion Posted January 25, 2012 Share Posted January 25, 2012 GeeGirl...8 years and still bitter? How does that happen? The ex's ex (my immediate predecessor) was still hung up on the ex, seven years later. He'd contact him periodically. The initial contact was always quite polite, but it always turned hostile, demanding an apology. Ex's ex did deserve the apology, he was rather shabbily treated, but I hope he learns that what he is looking for he has to find within himself. He did get the apology, after a fashion, a few weeks before ex and I broke up. I suppose there was some kind of clearing of the decks going on. Maybe it helped. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ilovedhim Posted January 25, 2012 Author Share Posted January 25, 2012 Beats me. I was baffled when I read it. He found out she was getting married and he wanted to contact for closure and an apology because he could not forgive her for the things she did to him. Too many years wasted focusing on the past. Dont't blame him and totally relate. There can't be forgiveness if there's no remorse from the other person. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ilovedhim Posted January 25, 2012 Author Share Posted January 25, 2012 So he just emailed you all those emails out of the blue for no reason at all? IDK. Maybe he expected me to sit and have congratulatory drinks for his upcoming matrimonial ceremonies. Link to post Share on other sites
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