Ex got engaged only 2 months after our break-up!!!

[ilovedhim]

Wow this story took a turn. And here you thought he had completely moved on. Obviously not. But the same goes for you. Do you think it's a good idea to continue with your current relationship?

 

 

Of course he hasn't moved on that's why i'm baffled by his engagement so quick. Tonight i'll tell new guy about this. He knows about the ex and why i can't rush things.

[stillafool]

IDK. Maybe he expected me to sit and have congratulatory drinks for his upcoming matrimonial ceremonies.

 

So what, he just went home and started sending you emails for no reason? The whole thing seems very odd. Are you saying you were out with your friends minding your own business and decided to leave when you saw him. Then he went over to your friends and started trash talking about you for no reason, then went home and emailed you the 3 messages you wrote about above for no reason at all? Is that how it went down?

[Dark Phoenix]

Beats me. I was baffled when I read it. He found out she was getting married and he wanted to contact for closure and an apology because he could not forgive her for the things she did to him. Too many years wasted focusing on the past.

 

He's so full of crap. You never listen to a bitter persons words. You look at their actions. He loves her and is angry that she's getting married. He wanted to chase her one last time before it happened.

 

The action of getting closure from another person is chasing one final time

Edited January 25, 2012 by Dark Phoenix

[ilovedhim]

So what, he just went home and started sending you emails for no reason? The whole thing seems very odd. Are you saying you were out with your friends minding your own business and decided to leave when you saw him. Then he went over to your friends and started trash talking about you for no reason, then went home and emailed you the 3 messages you wrote about above for no reason at all? Is that how it went down?

 

Yes, that's correct.

[geegirl]

Dont't blame him and totally relate. There can't be forgiveness if there's no remorse from the other person.

 

Forgiveness is not about waiting or expecting for remorse to show up but it is what YOU find within that sets YOU free from those that have wronged you. If you are going to wait for remorse in hopes of finding forgiveness, you will never be able to move on. That is why people stay stuck waiting for an apology to be released from their pain. You release yourself from your pain by letting go.

[xpaperxcutx]

So four pages in, and I'm getting the sense the both of you have unresolved feelings for each other, which in turn led you guys to seek out non-serious relationship - you with your current boyfriend, and him with a woman he barely knows for 2 months.

 

I get a sense that you're a very prideful person, very headstrong and if forced, resilient. Which is maybe why you're trying to find a " reason" to place blame on a guy who has hurt you branding him a liar and a cheater.

 

The both of you are currently acting out of spite and anger, the emails and the verbal attacks, and the posting on LS are evidences of that.

 

The question is, if you can look over the anger and see things from a more neutral perspective, do you believe you may still have lingering feelings for him? It sounds he still cares for you but he's acting out in a way, where being angry is the only way to get your attention.

 

My advice - the both of you need to act like adults. Either resolve the animosity peacefully or go completely ape***** on each other and completely cut ties.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I looked at some of your past threads to try to get a sense of this relationship. I didn't get one at all, because it seems like as recently as 6 months ago, you were still reeling from the breakup from a different ex. I noticed that you were also hoping for an apology from that guy.

 

So, if I have understood things right, you broke up with THIS ex 3 months ago, right?

 

It seems as if your relationship with him could not have been very well formed in such a short time (3 months). If he talked marriage so soon, and is now engaged already, it sounds like he is a person who jumps into things.

 

From reading your past threads, it seems like you really jump into things as well.

 

The drama and intensity around your relationships can't really be appropriate for the amount of time invested in them, IMO.

 

Let this go. You can do it. And I hope you will consider letting things build and grow at a MUCH more conservative pace next time you find yourself dating a guy that you really like.

[Dark Phoenix]

So four pages in, and I'm getting the sense the both of you have unresolved feelings for each other, which in turn led you guys to seek out non-serious relationship - you with your current boyfriend, and him with a woman he barely knows for 2 months.

 

I get a sense that you're a very prideful person, very headstrong and if forced, resilient. Which is maybe why you're trying to find a " reason" to place blame on a guy who has hurt you branding him a liar and a cheater.

 

The both of you are currently acting out of spite and anger, the emails and the verbal attacks, and the posting on LS are evidences of that.

 

The question is, if you can look over the anger and see things from a more neutral perspective, do you believe you may still have lingering feelings for him? It sounds he still cares for you but he's acting out in a way, where being angry is the only way to get your attention.

 

My advice - the both of you need to act like adults. Either resolve the animosity peacefully or go completely ape***** on each other and completely cut ties.

 

This is a very good post. The only problem the damage is done for now, they both need space for those feelings to resurface

[Sugarkane]

But why is this guy so desperate to get married? It's usually the other way around. Guys usually run in the opposite direction if you even mention it. After 2 months you barely even know a person, it's still the honeymoon phase.

 

This reeks of desperation to me. It seems to have rebound all over it. I can't understand why a guy would be so desperate to marry for. That's very odd.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Was this a rebound relationship for you from the one you were getting over last May?

 

Is this the same guy who you said you knew was cheating on you in October? If it is, it's likely that it's the same girl … but I think you need to be detached. What he is or isn't doing needs to bee off of your radar and out of your head.

 

It seems like a very short relationship to have reached marriage talk, and even if you never want to marry it does sound like you get very intense in relationships in an extremely short time period. Also like you have relationships of equal intensity back to back. Is that right?

 

Your last boyfriend, too, ended things abruptly and you were hoping for an apology from him after it was over, right?

 

I am seeing a pattern and hope you see it too - I don't think it's a healthy one. I hope your next relationship does not start for a few months and when it does start, that it has a much more gradual trajectory.

 

Take care.

[ilovedhim]

Mme. This is the same guy. It's been an emotionally draining relationship. When i made the decision to not respond to him months ago, it wasn't to play games, it was because i was very tired.

 

Sugarkane Not sure he's desperate to get married, although he is in a rush. Some one told me men have a timer in them to get married when it goes off. Something like women have to bare children. But all the proof points to him being involved with her on some level while we were dating.

 

And xpaper i don't think he loves me. My friend said he had hate in his voice and his eyes are sinister. He hates me.

Edited January 26, 2012 by ilovedhim

[Sugarkane]

This just further confirms to me that dumpers don't learn/ grow as a person like the dumped does. Just as long as they have a warm body next to them, they're ok.

[shayla]

Sad but true. And the chance to grind it into someone elses face just makes it that much better for them. I think that they use that energy they suck out of the dumpee to bond to the other woman/man.

 

That was one of my ex's favorite games, that and the two of them showing up in all my hangouts. Pity I was never there for them to get that pleasure, and when they did see me, I was with a new man.

 

I just could not give them that joy.

[xpaperxcutx]

Sorry OP I was drawing my response from what I've read. I hadn't taken the time to reread your past posts. But after reading what Mme. had written...

 

Was this a rebound relationship for you from the one you were getting over last May?

 

Is this the same guy who you said you knew was cheating on you in October? If it is, it's likely that it's the same girl … but I think you need to be detached. What he is or isn't doing needs to bee off of your radar and out of your head.

 

It seems like a very short relationship to have reached marriage talk, and even if you never want to marry it does sound like you get very intense in relationships in an extremely short time period. Also like you have relationships of equal intensity back to back. Is that right?

 

Your last boyfriend, too, ended things abruptly and you were hoping for an apology from him after it was over, right?

 

I am seeing a pattern and hope you see it too - I don't think it's a healthy one. I hope your next relationship does not start for a few months and when it does start, that it has a much more gradual trajectory.

 

Take care.

 

 

Mme. This is the same guy. It's been an emotionally draining relationship. When i made the decision to not respond to him months ago, it wasn't to play games, it was because i was very tired.

 

 

And xpaper i don't think he loves me. My friend said he had hate in his voice and his eyes are sinister. He hates me.

 

... I am aware that you are hurting... from a relationship where you still have feelings for him ( unresolved feelings on your part) but also from a beetrayal where your ex could've cheated on you.

 

I also notice that base on your past, you have a tendency to run into new relationships and avoiding the time to reflect and heal from the past. As I've said, you're very prideful, hence when a guy hurts you, you'd prefer to run from dealing with your emotions. I agree with Mme, you have a destructive behaviour that's causing you more harm than good.

 

This is not about your ex. This is about you facing your emotions and your feelings and understanding them.

[ilovedhim]

Shayla that is exactly why I kept my response to him about the bu and nc. Didn't want to give him that pleasure. Although it's killing me inside. I'm sticking with nc and staying away from anywhere remotely close to his work or home.

[ilovedhim]

Sorry OP I was drawing my response from what I've read. I hadn't taken the time to reread your past posts. But after reading what Mme. had written...

 

 

 

 

 

 

... I am aware that you are hurting... from a relationship where you still have feelings for him ( unresolved feelings on your part) but also from a beetrayal where your ex could've cheated on you.

 

I also notice that base on your past, you have a tendency to run into new relationships and avoiding the time to reflect and heal from the past. As I've said, you're very prideful, hence when a guy hurts you, you'd prefer to run from dealing with your emotions. I agree with Mme, you have a destructive behaviour that's causing you more harm than good.

 

This is not about your ex. This is about you facing your emotions and your feelings and understanding them.

 

True I don't like confrontation or drama. And there's only so much abuse I can take before leaving. It didn't seem to me like he wanted to work on our problems.

[xpaperxcutx]

True I don't like confrontation or drama. And there's only so much abuse I can take before leaving. It didn't seem to me like he wanted to work on our problems.

 

I'm not telling you to take his abuse, I'm telling you to learn to understand yourself a little better.

 

Like myself, when I break up with someone, be it they dump me or I, them, I always end up feeling miserable and upset. That's just me.

 

However, for you, you do not give yourself time to grieve. Instead you jump right into a rebound relationship where you grow attached to the other party almost immediately. You use others to fill your void.

 

It's good to be happy however you also need to understand that it's also good to hurt, learn and grow.

[shayla]

NC is the key to healing, it truly is. That and therapy for me....with time and work on yourself, you will get to the point that nothing he says or does will matter to you. But unfortunately, there is no short cut.

[Kamila]

The problem here is compatibilty. In this relationship it's a case of you both wanting more from the other and both not getting what you wanted. Classic sign of incompatability. It's likebanging your heads off a brick wall and getting nowhere, until someone says ENOUGH!..

 

Oh my, I said those exact words to my ex-bf the day we had the fight that lead to our break-up. I told him that talking to him felt like banging my head against a brick wall and him not breaking.

 

He wanted out of the commitment zone and I was pushing him further in. We were so incompatible. I understood that while thinking about it all night long. It was like I saw reality and the sadness of our situation. We are not alike, we are so different and want other things in life. The only thing holding us together is this thing we call(ed) love.

 

With much heartbreak, I cut the chord that was binding us, it was necessary. Someone had to be the bigger person here, someone had to make the decision and take the responsibility of not continuing this destructive relationship. It's hard to admit defeat, but in learning to let go, you set both of you free.

 

And it was not a question of not loving each other, because we really do. It's just because we were mature people that realised that love sometimes isn't enough. You need more for love to flourish into a durable and meaningful relationship. You need the soil to nurture it. All the elements. Sometimes one of those elements is the prospect of marriage and kids. Without those elements, the relationship dies, like with the lack of oxygen.

[ilovedhim]

I'm not telling you to take his abuse, I'm telling you to learn to understand yourself a little better.

 

Like myself, when I break up with someone, be it they dump me or I, them, I always end up feeling miserable and upset. That's just me.

 

However, for you, you do not give yourself time to grieve. Instead you jump right into a rebound relationship where you grow attached to the other party almost immediately. You use others to fill your void.

 

It's good to be happy however you also need to understand that it's also good to hurt, learn and grow.

 

You're right. I hate being alone. But don't get me wrong I really like my new BF and would never date someone just to fill a void and wouldn't use him like that.

[ilovedhim]

Can you be honest with us. Are you hoping your ex will break up with the new girl and see "the light"?. Your ex will never see the light, because for him there is no light to see. He is his own person, with his own agenda. He has a different thought process to you. If we were both compatible, you wouldn't have to keep forcing things. You wouldn't be constantly trying to get the other, to always see where the other is coming from. It would just be natural and it would just click.

 

Of course I don't want to see him with anyone. But I'm not sefish enough to hold on to him knowing we are just incompatible. We do/did have very strong feelings for eachother. The major problem I had with him was he was unmotivated, while I'm unapologetically ambitious. And he's not very social. Plus he smokes although he said he would quit. Maybe these are superficial things for some people, for me they're deal breakers. I gave him a year and he never changed. So I changed towards him. In one conversation we had he said I was available to everyone except him.

[ilovedhim]

Stop obsessing about a man you have no future with and never will.

 

I think this is what I need to focus on.

[ilovedhim]

And it was not a question of not loving each other, because we really do. It's just because we were mature people that realised that love sometimes isn't enough. You need more for love to flourish into a durable and meaningful relationship. You need the soil to nurture it. All the elements. Sometimes one of those elements is the prospect of marriage and kids. Without those elements, the relationship dies, like with the lack of oxygen.

 

So unless couples get married their relationship is meaningless and doomed to fail long term? I don't buy into this. Marriages fail too. Sorry I think two people can build a solid foundation without nuptials.

[Kamila]

So unless couples get married their relationship is meaningless and doomed to fail long term? I don't buy into this. Marriages fail too. Sorry I think two people can build a solid foundation without nuptials.

 

And it was not a question of not loving each other, because we really do. It's just because we were mature people that realised that love sometimes isn't enough. You need more for love to flourish into a durable and meaningful relationship. You need the soil to nurture it. All the elements. Sometimes one of those elements is the prospect of marriage and kids. Without those elements, the relationship dies, like with the lack of oxygen.

 

No, I said 'sometimes' one of those elements, for some people (like your ex and me), the concept of marriage is important to keep a relationship going.

 

For others, like you and my ex, it's less important. That's why the relationship didn't work out. For some, some elements are important and for some those elements are not necessary.

 

It's very sad, but that's how it is.

[lalalandman]

Listen, I'm not sure this is true in all cases. My ex went through early menopause at 22 years old. Devastated. She was never the same after that. I honestly didn't really care. Don't get me wrong, I felt horrible for her, and the pain is something I can never understand, but it wasn't a dealbreaker. I used to always tell her two things. 1. Miracles happen and 2. If I have to chose between a future unborn child and the love of my life, I chose the love of my life. As a matter of fact, even before that, I don't think she was even interested in ever having kids. But really, she kept pushing me away after that because she would always try and convince me that I wanted kids, and since I could never have them with her, that our relationship was dead. I always found this ridiculous, but I understood the emotional value of what she was saying. We actually had the marriage talk a few times a year. I would ask her if she saw herself marrying me, and she would say 'no, I don't see myself marrying anyone, ever'. I remember getting somewhat upset, but really, I always believed deep down that living life with my soulmate trumps marriage. Who gives a ****. I still feel the same way. Marriage doesn't mean all that much to me. But again, she was obsessed with this idea that I had to be married. I guess it didn't help that I had asked her to marry me, to which she replied yes, then said 'stop this isn't funny.' But what I really meant, and not sure if she understood, was that I wanted to spend my life with her, with or without a legal proceeding.

Edited January 26, 2012 by lalalandman